Lacking in Grace

Yesterday as I was reading my scriptures and scrolling through positive quotes, I came upon a quote that stopped me in my tracks.

"In the end, only three things will matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

Oh, Friends, how I have failed at this of late. I have not been gracefully letting go. I have been unkind and angry. I have sent several text messages to J that have expressed my feelings and emotions in a most unkind manner. I immediately asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness. I realized right away that being unkind and ungraceful is not me. It's not helping me. It's not allowing me to go on with my life in the way I need to either.

As I really force myself to go through the entire grieving process, I realize that I am feeling so many emotions that perhaps I haven't allowed myself to feel in the past. I am learning that it is a process. Sometimes, we get to what we think is another aspect of the grieving process, only to find that we have slipped back to one that we thought we were done with. It's very exhausting, but necessary.

I am ready to be more graceful in my attempt to get through this as a whole, better, more complete person. I am determined to do so.

And, thank you all for your patience with me as I work through this.

My Grief - The Stages

Dear Grief-

You suck! Like, you are literally sucking the life out of me! The last several months, I have cried daily. Almost every night, I cried myself to sleep. It was exhausting. Then, about two weeks ago I seemed to stop crying. I mean, don't get me wrong. I did still cry, but only like twice. I no longer had bad days, just bad moments. It was SO nice! I felt like I was healed! I felt like I had everything completely under control. Then Sunday night happened. Out of no where, I was furious, irate, completely pissed off. (I think that is the ugliest word of all time, but it is very appropriate to describe my feelings) My anger was visible, tangible, and boiling over. Yesterday it just kept right on rising up - and not the kind we shout for in our awesome-sauce family cheer! I could not keep it together for anything.

The hardest part for me, I think, is that it came out of no where. I was not expecting it or anticipating it. I had been doing so well. It just hit me like a semi truck traveling at 70 miles an hour down a lonely, dark highway. It was miserable. It was such a hard day for me. I didn't know how to pull it together! Ernie reminded me that it's part of the grieving process and that I really did need to go through it. I know he's right. It's just one of the stages and I need to let it happen.

In happier news, check out this sunset from my bedroom window! It is so beautiful!

Our Trial and Triumph - The Process

Grief is such a process. Wouldn't you agree? Yikes! Exhausting to say the least! I have been very, very blessed over the past several weeks in that I have not had any anger or hatred or frustration. I have been hurt and sad beyond words. My heart has been crushed. But no anger. That is until yesterday. Then - boom! I was PISSED! (That is such an ugly word, I know. But it's the only one to describe how I felt) I was loud and I was feisty. My sweet boss, who might need to be put on medication, felt like he was picking up the aftermath of my every step because EVERYONE knew where Heidi was all day. I was leaving a path of sassy-pants!

I have this great white flag that I throw out. It's called writing. When I feel like my emotions are about to boil over, I write. I write every single thought, every single word that is in my head down. I had a moment of that yesterday. I wrote everything that I was feeling, then I SENT IT to Josh. I usually don't send what I write, because let's face it - it's usually not very sweet. But I totally sent it. That's the second one I've sent him in a week. He handled it like a pro. I felt better, too.

It's funny - grief is. It's like one minute I feel like I'm doing great and I'm well on my way to bliss, and the next minute I'm a pile of tears in my office and I can't pull myself together to save my life. I suppose it's there to remind me that I've gone through hard things and that I'm still going through hard things and to be patient with myself. It also reminds me that I've done this. I have put one foot in front of the other for weeks now and I'm still here. I absolutely love the saying below. We ARE battle scarred. But we have hope. And that's all I can dream of right now!