Single Mom Life - Real Freaking Furniture!

I've decided that once a week on this blog, I am going to highlight single mom life. People, let's be honest - life is not supposed to be this way, but for so many people it just is and that's ok! So, I will be highlighting the highs and the lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly, the tender mercies and the struggles. It's our life and it's a beautiful life.

Saturday, Brandon texted me that his assistant, Keeli, had a bedroom set. I jumped on the chance to get it! We literally have no real furniture. It's just not in the budget. Don't get me wrong, we have a couch. It was $50 on KSL six years ago. We all have mattresses. We have broken down, used dressers. But, not real furniture.

You guys!!! This is my new bedroom set:

The boys so gladly switched rooms for Braxton and I. They put together the furniture. They helped me put all of my clothes away. They helped me clean. They were so glad for me. They told me to lay down and see if it was comfortable enough for me.

Jackson and I ran an errand on Thursday night. Just me and him. He told me that he is so grateful for our challenges in our family of five. He told me that because of what we have been through, the boys don't take anything for granted. They know they have to work hard because they see me work hard. They know they are not entitled to anything. They know that life is hard. They know how to budget, how to prioritize, how to work hard, how to pay tithing, how to be so grateful for what we do have.

As he told me these things, I realized that indeed our trials and struggles and hardships are blessing in our lives.

This single-mom thing is not such a bad gig when I hear my boys speak of our blessings like that.

Just Some Thoughts

One year ago today, I posted about my feelings. They were so raw. I was in a lot of pain. I just could not see myself outside of the dark tunnel I was in. I could not see the big picture. I remember physically hurting. I remember going home, not telling anyone, hiding in my bed, and crying for hours. I remember P calling and calling, trying to find me. I remember the next day, driving with P for 8 hours. I cried a little, we talked a little, and then he gave me a blessing.

Today is so different from that day. I am outside of that dark tunnel. I am able to see much bigger pictures. My boys and I are good. We are well. We are not the perfect team of five, but we love, we laugh, we talk really loud, we eat a whole lot, and we carry on. We carry on and we choose joy.

Coming up in two days is our universary! Two boys will be at scout camp, one will be working, I will be eating lunch with my SLCC co-workers, and that night, we will celebrate! The five of us will celebrate how far we have come in one year.

I can't express in words how grateful I am for our family, for the birth of Asher, for the upcoming birth of Asher's baby brother, for my mom's ability to conquer cancer, for our visits with family and friends, for friends who have never let me be sad for more than one day, for our amazing ward, for my job, for co-workers who won't let me fall, for the Gospel and prayer. We are choosing joy!!

Still Choosing Joy - On Purpose

Wednesday night, I cried myself to sleep. It was for a few different reasons, but it happened and it was okay. Sweet Jackson, as he always does, came in to my dark room and sat on the floor until he could no longer hear me sniffling. He then kissed me on the forehead and left to go to his room. I am so, incredibly blessed to have my children. But, it breaks this mama heart that these sweet, innocent boys have felt the need to comfort their mama over and over and over again.

As he left, I told him that everything was going to be okay. I told him that I wanted him to pray. I told him that I don't know why these things happen to us, but that it's okay. My testimony doesn't change with our trials, you know? It doesn't. My choices tend to, though. I tend to choose to be further from my Heavenly Father after enormous trials, but in the end I know that I have to come back to Him to feel comfort and to feel joy. For me, it has to be an on-purpose choice. I have to decide that I am going to choose Him over what may seem like much more fun choices. It's always been this way for me and my hard head.

My trials remind me of this, which is probably why I continue to have such big ones.

On Monday, I was leaving the gym, contemplating the fact that I was pretty sure a certain "relationship" was coming to an end. I had those feelings of dread, sadness, heartache, already missing the person, etc. Then, OUT LOUD, I told myself, "There are so many alreadies." Huh? What the heck does that mean, Heidi Ray?

For me, it meant that I already have enough. I am already enough. I already have these four boys who are magical and amazing and so challenging. I already have four loving parents, siblings, and I am an auntie! I already have the Gospel. I already have the most incredibly generous, patient, funny, and thoughtful handful of friends one could ever ask for. I mean, seriously - I won the friend lottery! I already have health and strength. I already have a roof, food, and clothing. I already have a job. I already have the ability to find joy, and to choose it. There are already so many alreadies.

Thursday morning, I went to work and said, "P, it's time for another blessing!!" Think about that. I have the ability to walk in to my office and KNOW that my boss, who drives me so crazy sometimes that I want to scream, is always going to be worthy to administer the Priesthood to me. I have a boss who honors his Priesthood. Always. Already.

So, today I am choosing joy on purpose. Already.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Visit from Miss T and those baby girls
2. The birth of my nephew
3. Lunch date with my E
4. Date night with Kaydon for a haircut and ice cream
5. The matchbox passed safety and emissions and is registered!
6. Those papers are in the courts - 90 day wait, then done
7. The sight of vacuumed carpet
8. Hot baths
9. Talking to Logan
10. I got my Mama her b-day present and I CAN'T wait to give it to her!

11. No Facebook ( I had no idea how much I needed a break from it! )
12. I was able to make my children homemade, hot dinners every night this week
13. New blow dryer
14. My trials, so I can help others with theirs
15. My guys at work - they changed my tail light with a big smile. They take such good care of me!
16. Sunshine the whole week!
17. Sherlene (Colton's doctor)
18. My ability to be a mother, an auntie, a daughter. I can't imagine not having the maternal instincts that I have been blessed with.
19. Oatmeal
20. Protein shakes

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Mailed in divorce papers... again... for the umpteenth time...
2. Colton's genetic testing
3. Patient teachers
4. Diet Coke (just the one per day makes this mama happy)
5. Eric's surprise visit at work on Thursday. The girls were swooning. So cute!
6. Being able to talk to RRH
7. Being able to make dinner for kids four nights this week
8. My cute grandma
9. Mama is feeling so much better
10. Protein shakes

11. Kaydon's awesome Sacrament talk
12. 5,000 calendars to keep me straight
13. Date nights
14. Ability to pay bills
15. Ability to multi-task like a boss (even though I need to be on medication)
16. Quitting Facebook
17. Music
18. Kay's homemade protein balls
19. I get to see my Miss V on Tuesday
20. Ability to make a difference (we all have it)

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. My new Valentine's shoes
2. A little break to Wendover
3. Sharing Klondike bars with P
4. Braxton one-on-one time
5. KK coming in my room in the middle of the night for snuggles
6. Valentine's date with Jackson
7. Colton texting me the most awesome things during the day
8. Nana getting peach fuzz on her head again!
9. Crock pots
10. Purple/pink hair

11. Hats (see above photo) - Friday started off a little rough
12. Funny You Tube videos
13. Beds, pillows, blankets, hot water, appliances, carpet, heat, windows
14. The dang sun shining
15. Crystal Light, still
16. Laughter. I seriously love to freaking laugh.
17. Snuggles
18. Miss Birdie
19. The new Younique mascara - badass!!
20. Babies

Our Trial and Triumph - Week Full of Blessings

1. I finished the Book of Mormon
2. Rain
3. Ability to buy the boys some shirts
4. Ryan paying some child support
5. Braxton's doctor appointment
6. My first nephew is coming soooooon
7. My P
8. Shyanna
9. Bravery
10. Kaydon's humor

11. Portable heaters
12. New comforter set from my Mama Kathy
13. New pillows
14. One Diet Coke a day
15. Pooping!!!!!
16. Brandon's talent and abilities
17. Hot baths
18. Deodorant for teenage boys
19. Layton's State wrestling championship
20. We get to see Auntie!

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Mama's successful surgery
2. Date night with my boys
3. Four workouts this week
4. Crystal Light
5. Ability to pay bills and get groceries
6. Colton got invited to a birthday party!!
7. Kidneys are functioning!
8. Sassy Sara covering my Wednesday shift at Kohl's
9. Bishop Krum
10. Heating pad

11. New office chair
12. Kaydon's humor (it might be a little inappropriate, but it makes me snort)
13. Bert taking my boys to church
14. Washer and Dryer at our house (I can't imagine having to go to the Laundromat)
15. Maple and brown sugar oatmeal
16. Health insurance
17. Ability to voice my convictions (even if it comes across sassy or hard-headed, it's me)
18. Recognizing that I'm me, and that's enough
19. Pictures of my boys kissing their Nana
20. My minky blanket

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

As we do every week, we have had a week full of blessings and tender mercies!
1. I was able to pay rent and bills
2. Special delivery from Miss Sarah
3. Burt (Kaydon's home teaching companion who is full of love and grace and charity and kindness and everything good)
4. Hugs from my boys
5. Health
6. Insurance (health and car and renters and life and just insurance)
7. Notice that I'm going to be an auntie in February to a baby boy!
8. Scripture reading
9. Ability to kneel in prayer
10. Ability to sit out in the cut-down weeds for lunch

11. Leggings weather!
12. Hot baths
13. Laughing with Logan
14. Colton's eye glass warranty
15. Ryan
16. A week of peace and joy - no anger!
17. Pumpkin-scented candles
18. Recovering from the stupid important flu shot whose needle hit my bone
19. "Love Life and See Good Days," by Emily Freeman
20. A window in my office

My Break

Oh, how I needed a break. The boys had a scheduled break, thanks to the school system giving them one. I decided I must get on that and join them. So I did. And, we kept rather busy over the four days.

Grocery shopping, hair cuts for the crew, eye doctor for Colton, shoes for Braxton, adjustments from Uncle Brandon, a walk around Farmington Station on a beautiful day, workouts with Braxton, carving pumpkins, homemade caramel corn, a matinee movie (it's cheaper), family pictures (thanks to Pam!), a temple visit with Nana, coloring, movies on Netflix, cuddles and naps... It was just what I we needed.

Lacking in Grace

Yesterday as I was reading my scriptures and scrolling through positive quotes, I came upon a quote that stopped me in my tracks.

"In the end, only three things will matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." Buddha

Oh, Friends, how I have failed at this of late. I have not been gracefully letting go. I have been unkind and angry. I have sent several text messages to J that have expressed my feelings and emotions in a most unkind manner. I immediately asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness. I realized right away that being unkind and ungraceful is not me. It's not helping me. It's not allowing me to go on with my life in the way I need to either.

As I really force myself to go through the entire grieving process, I realize that I am feeling so many emotions that perhaps I haven't allowed myself to feel in the past. I am learning that it is a process. Sometimes, we get to what we think is another aspect of the grieving process, only to find that we have slipped back to one that we thought we were done with. It's very exhausting, but necessary.

I am ready to be more graceful in my attempt to get through this as a whole, better, more complete person. I am determined to do so.

And, thank you all for your patience with me as I work through this.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Flowers from Jackson
2. Jody getting Colton's ride situated
3. A new water heater
4. Pam offering to do family pictures again
5. Pictures of my Victoria all week (That child is perfection)
6. Package from Miss Sarah
7. Younique makeup!!
8. Scriptures
9. General Conference
10. Blankets

11. Scout leaders
12. Gray Cliff Lodge with my handsome boys
13. Clarity
14. Apostles
15. Tears
16. Strength when I am so weak
17. First Aid Kits
18. Health and Strength
19. Family on the other side of the veil
20. Autumn!!!

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. A day off to clean and re-group
2. Ability to pay bills and buy groceries
3. Our Secret Gift-Givers and their love for us
4. Miss T's text (I am SO excited!!!)
5. Miss Birdie's package full of love and laughter and goodness (I read the book to myself every morning)
6. Getting a hair cut!
7. My kids making me laugh so hard I pee a little
8. Blankets
9. Hot Chocolate
10. My amazing co-workers

11. The colors in my mountains
12. Gus hasn't had one accident in the house this week! (this is big, People)
13. Miss Kim's text on Sunday
14. Chris's zucchini bread (holy crap goodness!!!!)
15. Watermelon gum
16. All of the boys in our complex unloading my groceries
17. Space heaters
18. Netflix
19. Health insurance
20. Hoodies

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

Even when things are hard... like really hard... if you look, you will still find blessings that you cannot even begin to number. They are infinite. They are there for us all of the time. We need to live worthy to receive them, and we need to open our eyes to see them and our hearts to let them in.
1. Health insurance
2. Taking Braxton to the doctor & eating lunch with him

3. Jackson going to the gym with me because HE wants to
4. Kaydon reminding me that we NEED family prayers every morning
5. Lunch with Rock
6. Peaches
7. A raise at Kohl's
8. Being a store trainer
9. Aunt Carrie taking Colton for a blood draw (She might be traumatized)
10. Brandon giving me a blessing Monday night
11. Coloring
12. Frozen grapes
13. Crazy co-workers who make me laugh

14. Cooler mornings
15. The ability to take the three youngest to school every day
16. Work ethic
17. Music
18. The matchbox
19. Scriptures
20. The ability for the boys' dad and I to be friends now

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

I haven't don't this for a while. It's not because we are not blessed daily, that's for sure! I just got busy with activities and birthdays to blog about.
1. Hamburger from the bishop
2. Birthday candy bars from the bishop
3. Family traveling for Kaydon's ordination
4. Back-to-school blessings from Uncle Brandon
5. Messages from Logan!
6. Diet Coke surprise gift
7. Fairfield Junior High administration and staff!!
8. Card & gift from Miss LeAnne (I miss her!)
9. Gifts from Miss Sarah
10. Visit and gifts from Miss T!!!!!

11. My jobs
12. My boys talking to me about everything day and night
13. Clarity
14. My scriptures!
15. The Priesthood
16. Laughter
17. Ability to cry... then to carry on
18. Cooler nights
19. Ability to exercise again
20. Trials that lead to triumph

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Sara's hug
2. Becky's texts
3. Lunch with the guys
4. Free lunch with my boys
5. Braxton's chance to go to scout camp
6. Ryan's help
7. Holding babies
8. Music
9. Scripture Power
10. 3-day Weekends

11. Prayer
12. Easy commute
13. Medication
14. Ability to cook, clean, organize, and multi-task
15. Prophets
16. Slurpees
17. Younique's self tanner (Thanks Miss T!)
18. My senses
19. Diet Coke
20. Working appliances

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week of Blessings

1. Uncle Brandon spending time with KK
2. Ability to buy groceries
3. Ability to get car registered
4. Fresh fruit
5. Homemade bread and jam
6. My boys trusting me and talking to me
7. Snow cones!!!
8. Open minds and broken hearts that hear and feel
9. Getting better at driving a manual
10.Sacrament

11.Scripture reading
12.Ability to kneel to pray
13. Weekends off to play with my boys
14. Our new ward. Seriously.
15. My testimony
16. My strength
17. Laughter with my boys
18. Internet finally working
19. Friends.
20. My mama.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week of Blessings

1. We are moved in!
2. Humility
3. Little black boys who come to my front door and say, "Da big boys pus us on da sings. Peas!!"
4. Holding babies
5. The new ward's scout master coming to meet my boys
6. Snow cones
7. Miss B Beck (how did I get so lucky to have her as a friend?)
8. Loving on Aunt Lois
9. Grandpa Nef's hugs and kisses
10. People who take time with Colton to get to know him and love him

11. P and his boys
12. New pillows
13. Miss Tonya bringing dinner
14. Carrie bringing dinner
15. Hot water (trust me, it's WAAAY better than ice cold water)
16. Working AC
17. Ryan
18. Ability to pay bills and buy groceries
19. Sunshine
20. Movies in bed with my boys

Our Trials and Triumphs - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Finding a home
2. Jackson's visit at work
3. Having my boys kneel beside me in prayer
4. Priesthood blessings
5. My family's support
6. Scriptures
7. Visiting the Temple
8. Laughter
9. Grandma and Grandpa
10. Things that make me go hmm

11. Hymns
12. Carmel apples
13. Notes from my boys
14. Safety and protection
15. Ability to multi-task and work
16. Air conditioning
17. Gospel
18. Friends and co-workers
19. Experience, compassion, empathy
20. Pictures

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Grandma and Grandpa Nef
2. Kaydon's one-on-one with Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie
3. Eclairs!
4. Prayer and fasting and family
5. Priesthood
6. Water
7. Miss T, Miss B, Miss S, Miss H
8. Rock
9. Fresh Flowers
10. Ryan

11. Lunch with Jaker and P
12. Date nights!
13. Braxton's experience at EFY
14. Scriptures at night
15. Hugs
16. Cards
17. WP 1st Ward
18. Social networks
19. Laughter
20. Movie nights with boys