The Views, Though

Some days, I forget to look behind me. I am so focused on my computer that my world becomes a tunnel. I forget to look up and around and out.

When I take half a second to turn my chair around, I see this:

How can I possibly forget to turn around all the time to see that?!?!

When I get home everyday from work, I go right to the kitchen and clean up and fix dinner for my children. I am so focused on the stove and the empty fridge and the dishes in the sink that I forget to look up at my children. And, look UP is what I have to do. They're tall! I forget to look them in the eyes and tell them that I am so grateful for them. I love them so much. Ask them how their day has been. What adventure Lila has taken Colton and Mari and Sassy on that day.

When I am done cleaning up, I go to my room where I ready my bed for nighttime. I am so tired, so drained... still recovering. I sometimes forget to open my phone to my scriptures. I seem to have no problem opening my phone to social media or to games... How can I forget to open the one app that will bring me actual peace?? When I do, I am reminded that I am a daughter of God... a princess in training... a mom... a daughter... an auntie.

I am reminded that all I have to do is look up to see the views I'm looking for.

What Makes Me Special?

So, let's be honest - the gang conference is traumatizing every year I go. It's absolutely terrifying the world that our children live in. The second class on the second day was a huge eye-opener for me. It was taught by a department director of a gang unit in Salt Lake County. She taught for two hours on girls in gangs. In fact, this is one of the pictures that was shown:

She taught about the different roles that they play in the gangs, how they get into gangs, what they do once they are in there, and why they join gangs. Something that she said hit me so hard. She said that even though the male gang members treat them like crap, use them, abuse them, rape them, sometimes kill them - those things make them feel "special." As soon as she said that, I looked at Rock and said, "That's me, isn't it?" He nodded his head.

If a guy "let" me pay his bills or "let" me buy him the things they wanted or "let" me take care of them or "let" me be the one they would call only when they needed something, then that meant that I was "special." That meant I was needed and wanted. That meant that I was good enough for them. How sad is that?!?! That is how I have been living my life. So what if they hurt me. So what if they never returned the favor, if it was only a give and give relationship on my part - never a give and take relationship. So what if I gave everything I had, literally, with no promise of any return. Because I was "allowed" to do that for them, I was special to someone.

It was a huge eye-opener for me. I was sad for a moment to realize that this is what I had become. But then it was enormously empowering! I realized what I had been doing and I was ready to shout from the rooftops that I am special just the way I am! I am worth it just the way I am. I don't have to live like that any longer. I am free to just be Heidi - who already has worth.

Be's

Some days are not joyful. Some days are hard...like really hard. Yesterday, I received an email from a teacher. She has two of my children in her class. She informed me that they cheated on a quiz. This mama does not deal with cheating very well. (Read over the last year of blog posts) I immediately called the children, who were at home. I informed them that this was completely unacceptable and that we would talk further when I arrived home. I don't think they were very excited for me to come home.

I prepared dinner, set the table and called the children in. I informed them that as they ate, I would speak and they would listen without interruption. And that is exactly what happened. I spoke to them about cheating, honesty and integrity. I reminded them that failing a class is acceptable as long as they hand in all of their work and do their best. What I will not ever tolerate is cheating and dishonesty. Afterwards, I read an article from President Hinckley from 1972, where he speaks directly to the Aaronic Priesthood. He reminds boys to be clean, be obedient, be prayerful, and be honest. He reminds them that they have the ministering of angels through the Aaronic Priesthood. I reminded them of the importance to be honorable.

As we were finishing up, someone knocked at the door. That usually irritates the heck out of me because the cute kids in the complex never stop knocking on the door. But this time it was the cute missionaries. They had a bag with root beer and ice cream and a card. If you know me AT ALL, you know that I DO NOT like surprises. AT ALL. Like, I still open my Christmas presents secretly early because I don't like surprises. I began to threaten the Elders to tell me who this was from. They wouldn't budge. Jackson started to tell me that I could be arrested for threatening. Whatever. I have no idea who this bag is from, but the gratitude that flowed through my heart was immense.

We are oh, so blessed. And, as President Hinckley promised decades ago, if we do what we are supposed to do, Heavenly Father will not forget us.

Right Now & Words

Right now is my happily ever after. It really is. I am learning and growing and falling and then getting back up. Isn't that what we all do everyday? Fall and then get back up. When we fall, we normally scrape our knee or our hands. They are sore and we have to clean them and sometimes put medicine on them. Then, we sort of ignore them as they heal. It might take a few days, but it heals. That's the same as our spirits and our souls. They get scraped up and sometimes bleed. They might even get infected. But, we take care of them and then they heal.

I went to dinner with a friend last night. It was a great hour, or so. We laughed a lot. I realized in that moment that my heart continues to heal. There are still days (obviously) where it gets scraped up BIG TIME. But, I take care of it and it heals.

Another thing, and this might offend some people. Sorry in advance. We all use words and rarely think about them and their meaning to others around us. I have done it my whole life, not giving much thought to it. But, to some they are hurtful and offensive and we need to be careful with what we say. Obviously, the word "retarded" is super offensive to me. Colton has been called that time and time again. It is infuriating to me when I hear it. People use it so freely, as if it's a comedy. It's not.

Last night I heard, "That's called stage 4 stupid." I laughed for a minute because I had never heard that term and I thought it was hilarious. Then, I stopped and wondered who might have heard it and if cancer is a real thing to them right now and if that just broke their hearts to hear it. Then it wasn't funny anymore.

I also hear a lot of people use the term "single mom" really loosely. If their spouse works long hours, they say that they are a "single mom." If their spouse is on vacation or is traveling for work, they use the term "single mom." This is pretty rough for me to hear right now. If your spouse is working long hours in order to support the family, you are not a single parent. If your spouse comes home to you and your family, you are not a single parent. If your spouse attends school events for your children ever, or helps to fix things around the house, or fix meals, or shop, or pay the bills, or comfort children, or talks to you about couple-things - you are not a single parent. Single moms, like me, do it all. We work to pay the bills, we raise our children alone, attend to meetings, appointments, school events, homework, doctor appointments, church events, stay up late with sick kids, stay up late with sad kids, comfort, soothe, fix, clean, cook, shop, take care of all yard work, do laundry, provide the spiritual support, teach, train, direct, and try to find time to sleep somewhere in between working multiple jobs just to make sure the children have hot water, electricity, pillows, blankets, food, shoes, socks, underwear, school supplies, insurance, hair cuts, and medication. That is what a single mom does.

So, I have learned that I need to be super careful with the words that I speak everyday because I have no idea if they will be hurtful or offensive to those around me. I'm grateful I've learned this lesson and SO hope that I do better. :)