Wax Museum

Josh went and saw Colton do his wax museum yesterday. He said Colton was so nervous and wasn't able to do his speech. Poor little guy. I wish that accommodations would have been made to allow him to do it in another way. But, they weren't and so we go on! I am grateful that Josh was there and that this is in Colton's rear view mirror!

Misery - Check

Martha recently told me that when it rains, it pours, and we are in a hail storm. I try SO hard to be strong and to "fake it til I make it." I finally broke. I have been really sick since Friday, or so. I worked through the weekend, feeling worse and worse. Then, Saturday night I did something to this frail back of mine. I could barely walk on Monday as we walked through the hospital for Josh's surgery. After receiving some less than optimal news about Josh's knee, coming home and feeling like a wreck, I broke. And, I mean b.r.o.k.e.

Yesterday, I tried to go to work but I was so sick and barely able to walk. I left and went to Brandon's office. After he worked on me, I asked him for a blessing. It brought me comfort. I was able to go home and rest. Martha brought dinner last night. The Bishop called and we talked for a bit. I slept well last night. And I'm at work today.

This is what I know: Life is not easy, nor is it supposed to be. There are times when we feel like we are scraping the concrete with our faces and the skin is peeling off little by little. The feelings of being overwhelmed cannot even be described adequately. Physical pain, exhaustion and stress can take over. Our ability to see the big picture becomes clouded. But we just have to keep going. We have to push ourselves back to our feet and keep walking.

I am so grateful that Josh is healing. I am thankful that he is strong, physically and mentally. I am so thankful that our kids are doing their best everyday. I am thankful for their help and their constant, "What do you need me to do, Mom?" I am beyond grateful for Martha. I am thankful for the meals that have been brought in!!!!! The blessings that come from other people are comforting in a way that shows me on a regular basis that Heavenly Father's hand is in all good things. I am thankful for my co-workers who lift me up. I am thankful for the Priesthood in my life. I am thankful that I know that I am a daughter of God.

This 'N That & More

Oh, the chaos that is our lives. Do you ever feel like you are just doggy-paddling through life? Like you are in a fog and you are just barely, by the skin of your nose, keeping your head above water? Like you aren't good at anything because you aren't giving enough time and energy to anything at all? Everything is getting only a portion of me! But, in the end we are all just trying to put one foot in front of the other. We are all just doing our best, which is all we can do - AND it's all that we are asked to do!

Wednesday night, Jackson brought me a caramel apple from work. It was heavenly. I love my children. They are thoughtful, hardworking, independent, and diligent. They give everything they have and more. SO much more is expected of them than most children. Most nights, they do not have parents there to feed them dinner, make their lunches, help them with homework, and just talk to them. They are on their own to do all of that and more. They don't complain. They don't fight. They just do it. Sweet, sweet boys. I love them so.

The football season ended last night with Layton losing to Davis. In so many ways, I am sad yet grateful. Until November 9, when wrestling starts, Josh will be at home at night with his children. They need that desperately.

I love wrestling season. I love to watch my husband coach wrestling. He is in his element. He is oh, so good at what he does. I love to watch his children watch him coach. They love that their dad is the coach. They love to wrestle with him and work out with him. They love to be around the wrestlers. It reminds me of my childhood. I loved, more than anything, to watch my dad coach. I loved being around his players. I loved all of it (except the parents). It was a good life.

Monday, Josh will be getting his knee scoped and probably preparing for a knee replacement. His years playing football have now caught up with him. Neck surgery a couple of years ago and now the knees.

Today is the end of the term for the kiddos. They made it through one more term and I am so glad!

Can I Have Your Autograph?

I am SO big!!! I got my notary. I was a notary like 20 years ago when I worked for the bank. I had to take a test, and pass it :), then jump through lots of hoops to get this sucker. But I did it! I swear, I have had to take so many tests lately to be certified on this and "legit" on that. So what if I couldn't ever pass Math 1010?!?! I am a smartie pants anyways!

Hello, I'm Mom

On Friday, I took the day off from both jobs. I needed to reintroduce my children to their mom. We slept in. I got up and ate my favorite frosted shredded wheat, which I never get to eat anymore. Delicious! Then, Kaydon asked if I'd make cookies with him. Why, yes!! They were delicious. I made the family lunch, followed by warm homemade cookies. Yummo!

In the afternoon, we went to see Goosebumps. It scared the tarnation right out of me, but let's face it - EVERYTHING scares me! They children loved it. Josh said he could hear Kaydon laughing through the entire movie. We ate our extra buttered popcorn and laid back in the sweet recliners. Afterwards, we had Nielsen's Frozen Custard. Heaven!

It was SO nice to be able to spend time with my family for the day. I feel like I miss out on everything there is to miss out on. I loved having a day with all of us together to catch up, laugh, play, and just be together.

Mommy Martha & Anubis

Colton has his Egyptian wax museum and presentation coming up at school. He has chosen Anubis. Below is a picture of Anubis. Creepy if you asked me! You didn't, but I'm going to tell you anyways. Anywho, while talking to Colton about Anubis, Kaydon chimed in about what Egyptian figure he was at his sixth grade wax museum. I couldn't remember who he was because I wasn't there - see previous post. I asked Kaydon if he was sad that no one was there to see him at his wax museum. He said, "Mom! Heidi came, remember?! I wasn't alone. She was there!!" Then I started to weep and went to my room to put myself in timeout.

Heidi is Mommy Martha. Mommy Martha was there for my boy because his mommy couldn't be there. He wasn't alone because she was there. It wasn't weird to him that his real mommy wasn't there because all he cared about was that he wasn't alone. What would I do without Mommy Martha?!

We are never alone. God always answers prayers - not in the way we might want Him to - but He does answer them. He has put Mommy Martha in our lives because I need her, and so do my kids.

Love Notes

I love notes. I love to write my kids notes. I love to send them texts in the middle of the day to remind them that I love them. I love to write my Josh notes and remind him that he is better than he thinks and that I am grateful for him.

Brooklyn gave me this note/drawing that she made last week. She gave it to me after a 16-hour work day. I have a lot of those. I have them at least five days a week now. Her note says, "How is work?" and "I love you mom." I have it hanging next to my desk. It reminds me why I am here, why I am doing what I am doing.

I always pictured myself as a stay-at-home, full-time mom. It was my dream. I always thought of that as such a righteous desire. It is what is talked about in General Conference, in Sacrament Meeting talks, in Relief Society lessons. We, as women, are taught that our primary role is that of wife, mother, and homemaker. It is our responsibility to be those things and to be the very best at them as possible.

I am a wife and a mother. But, it's not my primary role. As much as I want it to be, it's not. My present boss, and my previous boss both talk about their wives, who are at home with their children every day. They talk about how they volunteer in their classrooms, they go to their school presentations, events, and parties, they take them to their doctor appointments, they are home with their children when they are sick, they are there when they get home to cook for them and help them with homework. They take them on field trips. They fix cookies for them and with them. They make sure they have their hair combed and their teeth brushed. They make their home clean - both physically and spiritually.

I can't do any of that. I can't attend my children's school events. I can't stay home with them when they are sick. I can't make sure their hair is combed and their teeth are brushed. I don't get to go on field trips. I am at work. My time - almost all of my time is spent at work, away from them, serving other people. I am not there to make their lunches for the next day. They make their own. I am not there to do their laundry. They do their own. I am not there to help with homework. They do it themselves. I am not there to welcome them home and comfort them when they've had an off day. I am not there to wipe their tears, fill there tummies with homemade cookies, hear all about their days. And. It. Kills. Me.

That has not been my walk through this life. Mine has been the need to work and to support my family. My prayer every day is the Heavenly Father makes up for what I cannot give to my children. I don't work two jobs to have nice cars, vacations, extras of any kind. I work two jobs to literally put food on the table for my children. I work two jobs to put gas in the car. I work two jobs to buy shoes for my kids. I do it out of necessity. I do it because I can't ask Heavenly Father to help me if I am not giving it all that I have. I am literally giving it all that I have. I have nothing left to give.

I pray that my children will know that Mommy loves them. I pray they will know that I missed them more than words can ever describe. I hate that all of the mothers are there for school events, but when they look out in the crowd, their mom is never there. It kills me. I hope they know I so wanted to be there. I hope they know that I wanted to be there when they left in the morning and when they got home at night. I hope they know that I wanted to come eat lunch with them now and then. I hope they know that my desires were righteous, but that it wasn't the plan for me.

I hope they know that they have all of my love.