Colton & High School

Colton is about to embark on the 10th grade.

In our school district, this means attending the High School.

Colton's three big brothers have paved the way, but Colton is a weee bit different - completely awesome-sauce!

I mean, his brothers are awesome-sauce as well but Colton is awesome-sauce with sprinkles on top!

Junior High was rough.

When you have a child with disabilities, there are a boat-load (think Titanic in size) of hurdles and speed bumps and dips in the road that just about swallow you up.

There is paperwork that is redundant and meetings that are frustrating.

And in the middle of it all are children who are forgotten because of all of the legalities and people wanting to be "right" and rules that are made up on the fly and teachers and administrators who are not trained properly and certainly not paid enough.

In the middle of it all is my son.

Colton Walter.

For 16 years, I have had to be his advocate.

I have had to literally fight for properly trained doctors. 

I have had to fight for accommodations.

I have had to fight for proper testing, proper resources, proper teachers, proper aids, proper therapy, proper medication as to not be in excess and take away his amazing personality.

And when it comes to school, I have had to fight the very hardest.

And, to me - that is not acceptable.

I have always fought hard to make sure Colton is as independent as his brothers.

Thankfully, we have the GREATEST attending physician, who is not only a nurse practitioner but also a mom to an autistic son.

The resources she is able to gather for parents of autistic kiddos is extraordinary.

I want Colton to be successful. Period.

Whatever that looks like for him.

When I received his class schedule on Monday, I was aghast - like jaw on the floor, eyes rolling up into my head, fear and frustration set in FAST, and I went into Mama Bear mode.

I was ready for a fight.

I was ready for a fight because I have had to fight so often for him in so many different environments.

I sent an email.

Got a response.

Responded to that email.

Got another response.

Responded to that email.

Got another response and was told to talk to someone else.

Sent an email to that someone else.

Got another response from the initial email.

Sent out a family-wide email, asking for prayers for my Colton.

Got a response first thing Tuesday morning from the someone else.

Prayers answered.

Colton's schedule has been changed.

Quickly.

I took that moment to thank the someone else, then the opportunity to list everything that someone else has to look forward to with Colton:

He's been a runner in the past - like leaving the building - runner. 

He needs safe places to go during class if he needs a break.

Sensory helpers will be in his backpack.

Fidget spinners are especially fun for a classroom full of neuro-typical kids to listen to whilst trying to take notes from the teacher.

He doesn't take homework home because he doesn't retain.

He might say things that are deemed "inappropriate."  It happens all the time, in fact. No filter. No boundaries. He believes in no bad in the world at all. So to him, it's not actually inappropriate. It's just a question.

Expecting him to sit in a main-stream classroom with neuro-typical high school kids for 1 hour and 45 minutes per class four times a day is like asking to sit in Baskin Robbins for 1 hour and 45 minutes four times a day and not eat the goods.

Are you picking up what I'm putting down here, folks?!

They're in for a good time.

And this mama is terrified.

But hopeful.

And, let's face it ... the first incident with my kid and they will all be seeing the face of a mama who is ready for a fight because this boy of mine is worth the fight.

Colton's Sunsets

Sweet Colton takes the prettiest sunset pictures EVER!

I love this boy.

I love that he sees everything that I so often miss.

I love that he finds beauty in all things.

I love that he stops and takes the time to look and to take pictures in order to remember.

His mind is so vulnerable to all things - good an bad.

But, the good is so intensely amazing that I just count my blessings that I was chosen to be his mama.

Community & Villages

Soon after arriving at work yesterday, Colton fell asleep in the handy dandy camping chair in my office.

I was concerned that the meds might wear off early, so I gently woke him and got him to the truck

Side not: I drove the truck like a boss! 

My left leg was a freaking rock star and my brain totally remembered how to drive a manual!

Anywho... we made it to the dentist about 20 minutes early.

They saw how drowsy he was and got us right back.

He was still anxious enough that he wanted Danielle (Dental Hygienist) to hold one hand and me to hold the other. 

They put heavy head phones on him, turned on Black Panther and laid him back.

I thought for sure he would fight the laughing gas mask being put on his face... I was wrong.

He was drowsy enough that it didn't bother him.

The dentist was a genius with the needles!

Colton had NO idea that they were in his mouth or that he was putting them into his gums and into his BONES.

Brilliant!

Side note #2: I told the dentist that there should be a contest similar to the grocery bagging contest where baggers compete to see how fast and efficient they are at bagging... but for dentists to put needles in people's mouths fast and without them knowing! He'd win a lollipop for sure!

Anywho... he.was.out.

Out.

Like, snoring OUT.

The dentist was able to do his entire left side, which was like five cavities.

One of those was bad. There was a literal hole in the tooth. 

The dentist thought for sure he'd have to do a root canal.

But, again, he's a freaking genius and was able to get it fixed without doing a root canal.

When they were done, we had a hard time waking him up.

They turned straight oxygen on him. 

We took the head phone off.

I rubbed his chest a bit.

He just kept right on sleeping.

When he woke up, he was groggy, but good.

I got him an ice cream at Cold Stone.

We went home and both of us took a nap!

There is something to be said about community. About villages. About resources.

I have a child with different abilities. 

In order for him to live his best life, I am in constant search of people to add to our very tight-knit community.

I am looking for people who SEE Colton. Who HEAR Colton. Who LOVE Colton for being Colton.

Our dentist community is amazing. Like, AMAZING.

It's as if they were hand-picked for us.

They come together for my boy and take care of his needs.

Because his needs matter.

His thoughts matter.

His ability to vocalize what his needs are is important.

They validate that.

We love them.

It's Take Colton to Work Day

Today is Take Colton to Work Day.

Colton has seven cavities.

Today the dentist, and his amazing team, will begin filling those cavities.

Everyone knows he won't be able to do all of them in one day.

He is going to work on one side of his mouth today.

Autism, Pediatric Anxiety, ADHD

Those are Colton's challenges.

Add to that putting needles in his mouth...

It's going to be the best day ever!

We have given him some extra Clonidine this morning.

The doctor will have some meds on hand as well.

A perfect day will be the dentist being able to get the needles into his mouth to numb everything without being hit, kicked or bit.

Here's hoping for a perfect day!

Oh, and as I type this... he's asleep in the chair that you see him sitting in below.

Single Mom Life - All Families Look Different

I had the opportunity to have a conversation with a 14 year-old on Sunday. He lives in our complex and came to our door, asking to speak to me. I went out on the porch and he and I had a little chit-chat. This young man, who is a good kid, had been talking poorly about me and Jamari's mama in front of Colton and Jamari. He had been saying that I am a bad mom because I am at work everyday and I must not love my boys because I am at work all the time. "She must not even miss you," he noted to Colton.

It is important here, to remember that Colton's Autistic (and awesome) mind don't have the ability to divide fact from fiction, or truth from garbage, when things like this are said to him. So, in his mind, Mama must not want to be with him or brothers. His mama must not love him like moms who stay home love their kids. In his mind, other kids see that too and that is embarrassing and hurtful. In his mind, if I loved him, I would be home with them when they get home from school. In his mind, this is troubling and so hurtful.

I explained to this 14 year-old boy that I HAVE to work, that I am the support for my family, that while his mom is at home cleaning and taking care of children and cooking and running errands, his dad goes to work to support their family. I explained to him that in my home, there is only one parent. I have to do all of those things by myself. I told him that the fact that I go to work everyday and then come home and do all of the things that his mom has done all day proves that I love my boys more than anything on this planet. Then, I explained to him that all families look different:

This is our family:

Some families have two parents, a mom and a dad. Some families have two parents, a mom and a mom or a dad and a dad. Some families have one mom or have one dad or have grandparents. Some families just have brothers and sisters (like P's family). But, all of these are families.

Then, we talked about Autism. He told me that his parents have told him not to be around Colton because Colton is "special." They don't want him to "catch" what Colton "has." I explained to him that he needs to obey his parents, but that maybe I could educate them on Colton. I told him that we are blessed to learn from Colton every day. I agreed with him that Colton can be challenging, but no more challenging than a kid who talks badly about someone's mother. He told me that at school, he'll tell Colton to "not act a certain way," or to "not say certain things because kids will think he's weird." I told him that first of all, Colton is Colton. We teach him and train him and direct him, but Colton is NOT at a 14 year old level. He is at a seven year old level. Deal with it! Then, I told him that if he feels that he needs to change Colton, then Colton doesn't need him as a friend. Period.

Finally, we discussed "safe places." I told him that "this place" (the complex) is our home, and his home, and the home of everyone who lives in it. For that reason, it is also a safe place. I told him that I will not tolerate him or anyone else coming in to our complex and talking badly about any of us. I told him that when he has friends over at the complex and they begin talking poorly about anyone who lives here, that he should protect his complex and, thus his home.

All families look different. All families have different struggles. Do I wish I was a stay-at-home mom? It was my greatest desire my whole life. Does the fact that I work a lot of hours mean that I love my children any less? Hell no. And this mama bear will come out every single time I hear someone say it. I work my booty off for my boys. All families matter. All families are just as important, and matter just as much.

It's so important for me to teach my kids this message, and to help others understand it as well. We need to educate ourselves on people so that we can be less judgemental, more accepting, and more protective of our families. All of them.

Friday Night Concert

I had free tickets to a concert on Friday night at the Ogden City Amphitheater. It was a country music concert and I was a little worried about Colton. I stole some ear plugs from my guys and we headed there anyways. Jackson, Braxton, and Cam were good sports, as they are not big country music fans. But, as soon as Runaway June came out - Jackson was sold!!! Cute girls! Colton did awesome! We didn't make it to the last act - Drake White - but all in all, I think he did so good! It was a great night outside, listening to good music!

Friday Favorites - Friendship

Last night when I got home from the gym, I saw this. I finally bought Colton a rubber band/loom/bracelet kit. He can make these for hours. It's so good for him, his hand-eye coordination, his focus, and his creativity. Amia had laid a blanket out in front of our house and was helping to organize the colors and grouping things together. They were talking about the upcoming school year. Amia is a smarty-pants! She will be in 8th grade, but is already looking in to scholarships. She is oh, so good with Colton. She treats him just like she would treat anyone else. They are friends. I love that little family! I love their mama for raising them to be accepting and kind and patient and to focus on the hearts of people.

The Magic of Autism

On Monday, I got home from work and walked in to a full family room of boys. This is an identical visual most every night. Colton, Jamari, and Eric were playing games. As I headed up the stairs to change into my workout clothes, Jamari said, "Wait! Put your arm out." He then put these most beautiful, colorful bracelets on my bare arm. He had spent the day making me bracelets. Of course, Colton piped up and said, "Mama, I will make you some too!!!" And with that, I headed to the gym with my arm full of homemade bracelets.

When I got home from the gym, I loaded Jackson, Jamari, and Colton in the car and we headed to get ice cream cones. On the way home, Colton said, "Mama, Jamari thinks that spiders made us." I said, "Oh, Jamari. Tell me more." Mari said, "Well, Colton said Heavenly Father made us. So I asked Colton who made Heavenly Father and Colton said that Heavenly Father's father made Him. And Colton said that Heavenly Father made Jesus. But, what if spiders made us?" Colton said, "It's really not that hard. Heavenly Father made us. The end." And with that, the conversation switched to Colton telling me that he got Jamari in to the scouting program in our ward. He said that he talked to the "teachers" (leaders) and told them that Jamari needs to be doing scouting stuff and that he needs to be picked up from his house every Wednesday. Oh!! Ok. "Jamari, is that okay with your mom?" I asked. He said, "I guess!" And with that, we ate our ice cream.

I realized last night that Colton's world really is magical. Most of us are nervous to have religious conversations with our friends and neighbors. We don't want them to dislike us or to make things awkward. For Colton, that's not a concern. To him, this is all stuff that people should know. It's simple. It's so simple. Jamari wasn't in scouts, or going to church. To Colton, that needs to be fixed... so he fixed it. To Colton, the thought of people not knowing that Heavenly Father created us is not okay. So, he fixes it by telling them that it's pretty simple. In his world, this is all very obvious and simple. To the rest of us... what is OUR problem?!

I love this kid more each day.

Friday Favorites / Autism / Friends / Joy

Last night, I got home from work. I told Jamari to go ask his mom if he could go to Fizz with us and if he could ride in the back of the matchbox with Kaydon and Colton. He was VERY excited. His mom said, "yes." So, the three boys loaded up and we went to Fizz. Mari had never been there and was a bit overwhelmed with the choices. He selected a vanilla italian ice with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Jamari is quite a bit younger than Colton, but he is oh, so patient with Colton. They love to play video games, play outside, and just be boys. Wednesday, the three boys went swimming. Mari has slept over at our house the last two nights... boys asleep on the family room floor each morning I leave for work. I love that Mari is so good with Colton and sees him as just one of the boys. I love that Colton has a friend who sees him for him and accepts him. I love that Kaydon is an unbelievable brother who helps him along. I love that summer time is a time to relax and do things that we don't normally get to do. I love joy.

Love Notes

I have always loved writing notes to my boys. I feel like I am much more able to articulate my feelings in writing. Sometimes I am lucky enough to receive notes back from them. I love them so much.

Last night, this note was in my bathroom. It was from Colton.

Colton's friend, Jamari, is having a birthday this week and it is quite important to Colton that we get Jamari a gift. This note tells me that he would like to get Jamari a football movie that's a true story and some hi-chews (which happen to be Colton's favorite candy). He would also like Jamari to sleep over at our house tonight.

I will surely stop and pick up what he has requested for his friend. I believe I shall also get some balloons and possible cupcakes for the kids in the complex to enjoy while they celebrate Jamari's birthday and while I celebrate my boys' ability to show kindness and adoration for other people.

Rough Week

Without much understanding of why, Colton is really struggling as of late. He is having a very difficult time in school. He is yelling out, being disruptive and just leaving class. In fact, he's leaving the school on the wrestling bus and ending up at different schools around the valley. He is being disrespectful and is really struggling to keep focused.

I took him to his Autism check-up a couple of weeks ago. He has put on more weight, which is an issue when it comes to medication management. His doctor has changed one of the doses for him. However, until his body is used to it, it makes him very tired. Like, he sleeps most of the day. He was sick Monday and Tuesday and slept for the majority of those two days.

Last night, he was literally missing until 7:30. We had no clue where he was. He texted Jackson and said he was staying after school to do homework. Colton doesn't have homework. It's just been a really difficult situation for all of us.

Here's to hoping that we can help him find his center and find some consistency and "normal" again.

Autism - Details & Starfish

Colton and I went to his Autism check-up this morning with the irreplaceable Sherlene. Gosh, I don't know what we would do without her. We would be a shit show if it weren't for her! Well, we are now but a lot less than we would be without her!

We started genetic testing today. Colton was stuck on the fact that the dinosaurs in her office come to life and walk around during the night. He has continued to gain weight and his blood pressure was high. She should have checked mine!!! Yikes.

Last night, Jackson went to check something on Colton's phone. He found that Colton has followed 300 porn stars on Instagram. Oh! Told you it's a shit show! Colton does not connect the fact that this is NOT okay. To him, they are just friends. So, this is where this mama goes a bit crazy. People who develop, create, distribute porn - you are garbage. Just saying. There are people out there who have the easiest route to porn, who do not understand what is happening. For crying out loud, take your filth and shove it up your ass.

Anywho, Jackson wiped Colton's phone clean. Colton will be giving Brother his phone everyday after school now. But, back to our amazing Sherlene. She has starfish on her walls and throughout the clinic. It's what she believes to her core - we serve the one. We make a difference for the one. And, she does. She makes a difference for my one. My Colton is functioning because of her and her belief in him... and her belief in this single mama who sometimes wants to hide in a cave and not come out for a few days...

“Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said,

“It made a difference for that one.”

― The Star Thrower (1978), by Loren Eiseley

What's Important

Yesterday, I got this text from Colton... along with my response:

I mean every word I said to him. Autism is awesome. Colton is awesome. Colton with Autism is also awesome. And, I can name a mama and three brothers who adore him, so...

In other news, Jackson texted me yesterday and asked if I had lunch plans. Then, he drove up and we went to lunch on Valentine's Day (National Single's Awareness Day). It was the perfect date. It was the perfect Valentine's Day. I ate the biggest burger they had and I am pretty sure that a couple of my French fries actually had sharp edges on them and I did not have a panic attack. So...

You Know What's Funny?

I am sassy. I walked right into my Streets guys' office with my hands on my hips and told them that someone was parked in "my" parking spot. Greg, our Streets supervisor, looked at me and said, "You know what's funny?" Uhhh, that my hands are on my hips and I'm even saying anything about this??!! Then, I go out and see this:

They make me laugh.

You know what else is kind of funny? Colton has never been able to do jeans or button/zipper pants. It's a sensory issue. Well, this morning he decided that he could only wear shorts. It's like 10 degrees. I tried everything to get him to wear his joggers, but he insisted that they were all dirty. So, he wore MY joggers to school today and he was perfectly happy about it. He even said, "Mama, what if I fart in your joggers?" I reminded him that he needs to try to make it to the bathroom. He was just wanting to make sure that if he didn't, it was okay if he farted in my joggers.

And, that is why Autism is a blessing. In the midst of heartache and trials, his world is always bliss.

Colton's First Dance

The Junior High had a dance on yesterday. It was Colton's first dance. Kaydon made sure that he had a dollar to be able to get in. Kaydon is always looking out for Colton - making sure he has what he needs so he can participate.

Kaydon sent me this picture:

That is our sweet Lia. She is in our ward. She is part of an amazing family, who are loving, accepting, funny, and extremely talented. This picture makes me oh, so happy.

A Blanket and Some Legoes

As promised:

Last night when I got home from work, I saw Colton and some neighbor kids outside our front door on the grass. As always, he began to squeal with delight and yell, "Mama!" That is one of the gifts of autism... my 13 year old may never stop being excited to see his mama, with no shame in expressing it!

As I got closer, I noticed that he had pulled one of our blankets out to the grass along with the Legoes Uncle Ernie got him. He had then invited kids (his own age!!!!) to come sit on the blanket and play with him. AND THEY DID.

Do any of them look unhappy to you? Me either.

Last night, it was Autism, humanity, humility, and gratitude for the win.

Colton is 13!

This sweet boy turns 13 today!

Colton was born, via C-section, after this mama had been in labor for two weeks! He was 32 weeks gestation. He needed a little help with temperature and feeding, and was in the NICU for three weeks. I was so grateful to have him home!

Papa and Nana used to get up with him every night because I had Kaydon duty all of the time. I think that is partly why he is so close to Nana and Papa. Colton has always loved horses, Legos, stuffed animals, and movies. About six years ago, we began to notice that Colton had some real struggles. Initially he was diagnosed with ADD, then ADHD, then Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, and several learning disorders.

In our most recent appointment (this week), we were told that Colton is at about a five or six year old level, and will remain that way. His doctor said, "Isn't that wonderful?!" I love her attitude! Imagine how great it would be to be an innocent child throughout our lives. Colton still loves horses, stuffed animals, Legos, and movies. He also likes to play games on his Kindle, color, do puzzles, and be with Mama. He loves to swim and be in the water. It is super calming to him.

Colton is such a blessing. We love that we get to have him in our family. His doctor always says, "Structure for Success." That is what we are going to work harder to do!

Happy, happy birthday Sweet Boy! We love you so much!

Adventures in Autism - Food

Everyday is a new adventure when it comes to having a family member with Autism. The spectrum is so enormous. No two autistic people are the same. They may have some of the same tendencies, the same mannerisms, the same qualities, the same weaknesses, or they could have the complete opposite tendencies, mannerisms, qualities and weaknesses.

Colton is missing the cause and effect connection, along with many other connections. This one, though, is particularly challenging. Colton does not remember from minute to minute why he can't do certain things, what the consequence of a choice might be, what Mom told him to or not to do, etc. He also struggles greatly with situations. (he also has ADHD, Anxiety, and learning disabilities) Chaos, loud noises, textures, something out of his routine, busy places, and group activities among many other things can greatly impact his ability to deal with life.

Food is an interesting challenge all by itself. Colton has just about doubled his weight in one year. His blood pressure has risen to unhealthy, and dangerous, highs. Colton doesn't seem to have an "off" button. He has gotten up in the middle of the night several times (more than I even know) and eaten 36 string cheese sticks or four dozen cookies or two pounds of grapes or an entire ice cream cake. I am not exaggerating. I can't imagine how badly his stomach must hurt, but it doesn't detract him from doing it. He is literally clueless as to what he is doing. In talking to therapists and psychologists who deal with Colton quite a bit, they have suggested that I look into locking the fridge and the pantry and the cupboards and the freezer. I am trying every option before I do that. It is not a bad thing to do that and I am, in no way, judging those who do. I am just trying other options first.

We go grocery shopping on Thursday nights. When we get home, I spend the rest of my night cutting up fruit and vegetables and placing them into individual bags, then into larger ziplock bags, then into a bigger bag. I do the same with string cheese - one stick in a bag, in another bag, then all of them in a bigger bag. Obviously I can't do this with everything. But, doing this seems to be helping a lot. Because it takes him longer to get to the actual food, he runs out of focus and attention and gives up on it before he eats bag after bag after bag.

For now, this is helping. Things change all the time and I'm sure I'll have to come up with some other contraption to help soon.

Romeo and Juliet

I was running late this morning, so I hollered to Colton and asked him if he would make my lunch. I told him I would like yogurt, string cheese, and grapes. He was so excited to help with this. (Seriously) When I got downstairs, he had it all ready for me. He told me he packed two otter pops AND a freezer pack to keep them cold. (Autism is seriously awesome that way) Then he told me, "Red and blue stand for I love you."

How lucky am I?!?!

Yesterday was the sixth grade play. Colton had one line. He practiced it all week and Kaydon put together his costume. He was very, very nervous. But, he did AWESOME. He did his line like it was nothing! All of the other kids had multiple lines, and they ALL did so good! There were a couple of times during the play when something would fall and make a loud sound. He didn't shriek or yell, but he did run to pick them up right in the middle of the play. He is awesome that way. He didn't want anyone to be hurt or anyone to have to pick it up, so he just ran right in and took care of it!!

Colton's NeuroPsych

I have been avoiding this post because I feel like I am still trying to process it all in my own head. With everything else going on in our lives, this has hurt. This has stung. It's so weird how our emotions work. Things go on the back-burner when we are overwhelmed already. I can't push this back because I know it will come back and haunt me soon if I do.

About two weeks ago, I took Colton for his all-day neuropsych evaluation. Last Friday, I went and met with the doctor for the results. To say it was overwhelming is an understatement. It was heart wrenching. Sweet Colton's world is so hard to navigate. I can't imagine what his every single day must be like. We are able to do what we need to do to handle situations that come up every day - loud noises, taking notes, hygiene, self-control, understanding the conversations that take place around us, etc. He just isn't.

Colton has Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, and numerous learning disabilities. His issues are cognitive, not behavioral, which is a blessing in many ways. Colton does not do things to be oppositional or mean or cruel or intentional. His brain does not recognize cause and effect. He operates at a much younger age. He is very, very, very vulnerable. He requires Special Education, but has never been afforded that because the School District is so against his diagnosis. He needs someone to walk him through his day, every day.

Today, I will begin the process of applying for Medicare, then Disability, and Social Security. My Colton might never be self-sufficient, but he will always be mine. He will always love his mama. He will always love everyone. He will always try his hardest. He will always been loved in our home. He is a special boy, who was absolutely meant to be mine. I will do my best everyday to make his life what it is supposed to be.