I just got this text from Kaydon. Seriously. He's 13. He just sent this to me. I am so blessed.
Hey mom your my happy thought today love you
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
These Nuggets
I am so blessed to be their mommy. I love them more than they will ever know.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Ice Castle Magic
Saturday night, we ventured up to Midway to explore the Ice Castles. They were stunning. They were absolutely beautiful. Brooklyn loved them because it was just like "Frozen." The older boys loved them because there were cute girls there. Whatever. Colton loved the lights and the sounds.
On the way up, it began to snow and Kaydon leaned forward and quietly asked, "Should we say a prayer?" YES we should! And he did. On the way home, thankfully the kids all fell asleep. It was an absolute white-out all the way home and it was terrifying. I was in the back with the five kids, while Grandma Leanne was in the front with Josh. I prayed and prayed and prayed. You couldn't see anything at all. We finally made it home with one car-sick Mama and some tired kiddos. I was especially grateful that night that we were protected in every way.
Oh, and while we are speaking of ice and snow, Colton built a pretty rad "iceman." Love that kid!
On the way up, it began to snow and Kaydon leaned forward and quietly asked, "Should we say a prayer?" YES we should! And he did. On the way home, thankfully the kids all fell asleep. It was an absolute white-out all the way home and it was terrifying. I was in the back with the five kids, while Grandma Leanne was in the front with Josh. I prayed and prayed and prayed. You couldn't see anything at all. We finally made it home with one car-sick Mama and some tired kiddos. I was especially grateful that night that we were protected in every way.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Shine
Marianne Williamson said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you to not be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other."
For some reason, there is shame in being fabulous. There is shame in believing that simply because we are children of God, we are divine. There is shame in being grateful and confident with our bodies, our minds, and our hearts. Why is that? We can't possibly fulfill our roles on this earth - the ones God has entrusted us with - if we believe that we are anything less than divine. (Dear Me, Take note. I'm talking to you! Sincerely, Me) Because we are His children, and because we are divine, we CAN fulfill the purposes we are here to fulfill. We are fabulous, like really fabulous. We are beautiful, each of us in our own unique way. Our bodies are ours to help us fulfill our purposes. So, let's go do it. Let's shine.
I am done posting about my lessons learned from the incredible Holly Bowerman. She has inspired me. She spoke the words I have felt. She reminded me that we all live lives of hurt, frustration, fear, embarrassment, failure, and falls. But, we all have the opportunity (and responsibility) to get up and shine on. I have decided to write a book. I hope you will support me on this journey. Loves. XOXO
For some reason, there is shame in being fabulous. There is shame in believing that simply because we are children of God, we are divine. There is shame in being grateful and confident with our bodies, our minds, and our hearts. Why is that? We can't possibly fulfill our roles on this earth - the ones God has entrusted us with - if we believe that we are anything less than divine. (Dear Me, Take note. I'm talking to you! Sincerely, Me) Because we are His children, and because we are divine, we CAN fulfill the purposes we are here to fulfill. We are fabulous, like really fabulous. We are beautiful, each of us in our own unique way. Our bodies are ours to help us fulfill our purposes. So, let's go do it. Let's shine.
I am done posting about my lessons learned from the incredible Holly Bowerman. She has inspired me. She spoke the words I have felt. She reminded me that we all live lives of hurt, frustration, fear, embarrassment, failure, and falls. But, we all have the opportunity (and responsibility) to get up and shine on. I have decided to write a book. I hope you will support me on this journey. Loves. XOXO
Friday, January 22, 2016
Feel It
"You have to process your emotions and you have to feel them if you ever truly want to let them go," Holly Bowerman.
So often we try to make our feelings go away. It sucks to hurt. It sucks to be angry. It sucks to be embarrassed. Why would any of us want to feel those emotions for any longer than absolutely necessary, like 5.3 seconds?!?!I don't have a great answer for you, other than to say that it is important to feel them. It's important to honor those feelings. If you are angry, be angry. Then let it go. If you are scared, be scared. Then let it go. My mom used to tell us that if we needed to go in the backyard and break old dishes so that we could get our anger out - to do it. I was never too good at this. In my very recent past, if I had emotions that were hard to deal with, I would stop eating. Like, completely stop eating. It was something I had control over. When I was admitted to the hospital six years ago, I weighed 103 pounds. THAT is not okay.
Now, when I am sad I cry my eyes out. I cry and cry. Then, I might text Miss Birdie and tell her that I need a reminder. That is a "life vest" that I was told I had when I was inpatient. If I can't quite pull it together after I have felt then I throw out up my white flag and ask for a life vest. If I am angry, I let myself be angry. I write a letter to whomever or whatever I am angry at or with. I usually DON'T send that letter because it's NOT nice. But I write it down. I write it all down. I sign it, then I either put it away or I throw it away. That is how I deal with my anger. Usually if I'm embarrassed, I laugh about it. Because someday it WILL be funny even if it's not today.
It's so important to understand our emotions, to figure out where they are coming from and to honor them. Then, it's important to move forward. If we don't honor our emotions, then they will come back in a very ugly manner. Let yourself feel them, then say goodbye to them and move on.
So often we try to make our feelings go away. It sucks to hurt. It sucks to be angry. It sucks to be embarrassed. Why would any of us want to feel those emotions for any longer than absolutely necessary, like 5.3 seconds?!?!I don't have a great answer for you, other than to say that it is important to feel them. It's important to honor those feelings. If you are angry, be angry. Then let it go. If you are scared, be scared. Then let it go. My mom used to tell us that if we needed to go in the backyard and break old dishes so that we could get our anger out - to do it. I was never too good at this. In my very recent past, if I had emotions that were hard to deal with, I would stop eating. Like, completely stop eating. It was something I had control over. When I was admitted to the hospital six years ago, I weighed 103 pounds. THAT is not okay.
Now, when I am sad I cry my eyes out. I cry and cry. Then, I might text Miss Birdie and tell her that I need a reminder. That is a "life vest" that I was told I had when I was inpatient. If I can't quite pull it together after I have felt then I throw out up my white flag and ask for a life vest. If I am angry, I let myself be angry. I write a letter to whomever or whatever I am angry at or with. I usually DON'T send that letter because it's NOT nice. But I write it down. I write it all down. I sign it, then I either put it away or I throw it away. That is how I deal with my anger. Usually if I'm embarrassed, I laugh about it. Because someday it WILL be funny even if it's not today.
It's so important to understand our emotions, to figure out where they are coming from and to honor them. Then, it's important to move forward. If we don't honor our emotions, then they will come back in a very ugly manner. Let yourself feel them, then say goodbye to them and move on.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Why Do I Keep Doing Stupid Stuff?
Holly Bowerman talks about a voice in her head (which I've always heard in my own head) that says, "Have you not noticed that those don't work for you? Why do you think going back to that will give you a different result?" Isn't that a great question?!?! My head asks me that all the time, then I just tend to go right ahead and do it anyways. I totally know what the result is going to be. At least I've got that going for me!
So what do I need to do to knock this stuff off? Oh, maybe listen to the voice in my head that tells me I'm going back down the trail that led me to no good? That sounds like a great idea! One of the MANY great things I learned while being inpatient was that I have triggers. We all do. I didn't even know what a trigger was until I was inpatient. We have triggers, which means that if we know what they are we can do our best to avoid them. For instance, if coffee triggers an anxiety attack for me then I would want to avoid coffee. Or, if being in the sun for 30 minutes triggers a sun burn, I would want to avoid being in the sun for 30 minutes. It's actually pretty simple if you think about it. However, when life is a trigger it makes it a little harder to avoid life. But I can sure try.
I love the saying below. The past really is the past. We need to learn from it, then we need to let it go. When I was in counseling 12 years ago, or so, my therapist had me do an exercise. She had me right now everything I had been told by my ex-husband and everyone else who had kept me pretty much in the gutter with their words. I wrote it all down on three pieces of paper. Well, three notebooks of paper. I wrote it all and it was so painful. Then she had me put one in the garbage disposal at the counseling center. The second one I flushed down the toilet. The third one we lit on fire in the parking lot. Obviously the symbolism of these exercises was that they were gone. They were no longer there. My mind didn't need to go there anymore because there was no where to go. It was powerful, but unfortunately my mind didn't make the connection that they were gone. Perhaps my mind didn't make that connection because I didn't exercise it enough. I didn't do exercises that kept those things at bay. I LET them keep coming back and continued to seek after people or activities who fed me with the same garbage. I made choices that just intensified the feelings of no worth, of self harm, of hatred toward myself.
At some point, I have to stop doing stupid stuff. I'm getting there. I'm not quite there, but I'm trying. I'm aware and I'm trying.
So what do I need to do to knock this stuff off? Oh, maybe listen to the voice in my head that tells me I'm going back down the trail that led me to no good? That sounds like a great idea! One of the MANY great things I learned while being inpatient was that I have triggers. We all do. I didn't even know what a trigger was until I was inpatient. We have triggers, which means that if we know what they are we can do our best to avoid them. For instance, if coffee triggers an anxiety attack for me then I would want to avoid coffee. Or, if being in the sun for 30 minutes triggers a sun burn, I would want to avoid being in the sun for 30 minutes. It's actually pretty simple if you think about it. However, when life is a trigger it makes it a little harder to avoid life. But I can sure try.
I love the saying below. The past really is the past. We need to learn from it, then we need to let it go. When I was in counseling 12 years ago, or so, my therapist had me do an exercise. She had me right now everything I had been told by my ex-husband and everyone else who had kept me pretty much in the gutter with their words. I wrote it all down on three pieces of paper. Well, three notebooks of paper. I wrote it all and it was so painful. Then she had me put one in the garbage disposal at the counseling center. The second one I flushed down the toilet. The third one we lit on fire in the parking lot. Obviously the symbolism of these exercises was that they were gone. They were no longer there. My mind didn't need to go there anymore because there was no where to go. It was powerful, but unfortunately my mind didn't make the connection that they were gone. Perhaps my mind didn't make that connection because I didn't exercise it enough. I didn't do exercises that kept those things at bay. I LET them keep coming back and continued to seek after people or activities who fed me with the same garbage. I made choices that just intensified the feelings of no worth, of self harm, of hatred toward myself.
At some point, I have to stop doing stupid stuff. I'm getting there. I'm not quite there, but I'm trying. I'm aware and I'm trying.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Heaven In Hell
Holly Bowerman, in "Say What You Need To Say," said, "Life isn't so much finding heaven or hell, rather life is about finding heaven while in the middle of hell."
Guess what People? I've been in Hell. It isn't pretty. Funny story: when I was a Beehive in Young Women's we had a combined activity. That means all of the youth aged 12-18 participated. All of us received plane tickets (fake, obviously) and met at the church on a Wednesday night with our tickets. We all boarded a "plane," which was the area between the Chapel and the cultural hall (gym). It was partitioned off and it was set up like an airplane. We were all sitting there, pretending to take-off, listening to the fake pilot. Then the lights went on and off and there were horrible loud noises that I still remember almost 30 years later. We had "crashed."
We were all split up and escorted to different rooms. First, I went to the Telestial Kingdom room. It was one of the scariest places I have ever been in my life. Even though we were still in the church, it felt nothing like it. I, among everyone else in there, was crying and trying to get out. It was a horrible feeling. After they shook us up to the point of being hysterical, they informed us they had made a mistake and escorted us to a different room. The lights were out, but the dim light from outside was coming through the windows. There were tennis rackets on the walls. The people in there were dressed casually. There was some music playing, but not too loud. It was a far cry from the first room, which to me was absolute Hell. We were told that we couldn't go see our families, but that if they wanted, they could come see us. This was the Terrestial Kingdom Room. I seriously wanted to go home. Then, someone came in and told us that they made another mistake and told us to follow them. They escorted us to the Chapel, which was fully lit. There were gorgeous white flowers. Hymns were being played on the organ. And, every single one of our parents or grandparents who were temple recommend holders were there, in their temple clothes. It was the most amazing feeling. Everyone was crying. We had made it to the Celestial Kingdom. I never wanted to be anywhere else.
Life is so similar! I have found myself in Hell on far more occasions than I wish to admit. Sometimes, we have to find glimpses of Heaven while we feel like we are in a living hell. We have to find the strength to look for tender mercies. We have to find the strength to find light in the midst of utter darkness.
"We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." It's true. Once the pain of staying in something or with someone or at some place becomes too great, we finally decide to change. What if that change took place before the pain had such a lasting impact? That's something I'm still working on.
Guess what People? I've been in Hell. It isn't pretty. Funny story: when I was a Beehive in Young Women's we had a combined activity. That means all of the youth aged 12-18 participated. All of us received plane tickets (fake, obviously) and met at the church on a Wednesday night with our tickets. We all boarded a "plane," which was the area between the Chapel and the cultural hall (gym). It was partitioned off and it was set up like an airplane. We were all sitting there, pretending to take-off, listening to the fake pilot. Then the lights went on and off and there were horrible loud noises that I still remember almost 30 years later. We had "crashed."
We were all split up and escorted to different rooms. First, I went to the Telestial Kingdom room. It was one of the scariest places I have ever been in my life. Even though we were still in the church, it felt nothing like it. I, among everyone else in there, was crying and trying to get out. It was a horrible feeling. After they shook us up to the point of being hysterical, they informed us they had made a mistake and escorted us to a different room. The lights were out, but the dim light from outside was coming through the windows. There were tennis rackets on the walls. The people in there were dressed casually. There was some music playing, but not too loud. It was a far cry from the first room, which to me was absolute Hell. We were told that we couldn't go see our families, but that if they wanted, they could come see us. This was the Terrestial Kingdom Room. I seriously wanted to go home. Then, someone came in and told us that they made another mistake and told us to follow them. They escorted us to the Chapel, which was fully lit. There were gorgeous white flowers. Hymns were being played on the organ. And, every single one of our parents or grandparents who were temple recommend holders were there, in their temple clothes. It was the most amazing feeling. Everyone was crying. We had made it to the Celestial Kingdom. I never wanted to be anywhere else.
Life is so similar! I have found myself in Hell on far more occasions than I wish to admit. Sometimes, we have to find glimpses of Heaven while we feel like we are in a living hell. We have to find the strength to look for tender mercies. We have to find the strength to find light in the midst of utter darkness.
"We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing." It's true. Once the pain of staying in something or with someone or at some place becomes too great, we finally decide to change. What if that change took place before the pain had such a lasting impact? That's something I'm still working on.
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