I Love You, Too

I got this yesterday. Enough said.

Sunday, I asked each of my kids individually if they thought I was doing okay. Was I taking good enough care of them? Was I giving them what they need? They each answered, "Yes." Now, they could have been saying that because I had yet to make dinner, but I needed them to know that I was trying and that if they need anything to come to me.

My shoulders are weighed down at times with the responsibility that is mine - Mother, comforter, protector, teacher, punisher, rule-maker, cook, homemaker, bread winner, sole supporter, spiritual advisor, referee, taxi driver, errand-runner, shopper, fixer, doctor, cheerleader, appointment maker, budget maker, and the list goes on. But, my heart is full and I know that angels continue to surround us every hour of every day. For that reason, I am eternally grateful.

Romeo and Juliet

I was running late this morning, so I hollered to Colton and asked him if he would make my lunch. I told him I would like yogurt, string cheese, and grapes. He was so excited to help with this. (Seriously) When I got downstairs, he had it all ready for me. He told me he packed two otter pops AND a freezer pack to keep them cold. (Autism is seriously awesome that way) Then he told me, "Red and blue stand for I love you."

How lucky am I?!?!

Yesterday was the sixth grade play. Colton had one line. He practiced it all week and Kaydon put together his costume. He was very, very nervous. But, he did AWESOME. He did his line like it was nothing! All of the other kids had multiple lines, and they ALL did so good! There were a couple of times during the play when something would fall and make a loud sound. He didn't shriek or yell, but he did run to pick them up right in the middle of the play. He is awesome that way. He didn't want anyone to be hurt or anyone to have to pick it up, so he just ran right in and took care of it!!

When Being Strong Is All You Have Left

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left."

Texting

I just got this text from Kaydon. Seriously. He's 13. He just sent this to me. I am so blessed.

Hey mom your my happy thought today love you

Love Is In The Air Up Here!

Jackson has a girlfriend. Like, he asked her to "go out" with him, so apparently it's official. She is a wrestling manager for the team. I really like her. She's a cute girl. She seems very down-to-earth and not involved in the drama that I witness every single day with these junior high kids.

This morning, I was a few minutes late to work because Kaydon had woken up EXTRA early so he was up when I was leaving. I just had to spend a few minutes loving on this gem! Every single day, this boy tells me that I'm beautiful and he loves to get squeezes from his mama. I had to just eat him up for a few minutes!!!

Autism In Our Home - Teamwork

It takes a village to raise an autistic child! We are fortunate to have a pretty good team around us. Each week, I get at least one phone call from the principal a the elementary school, Mr. P. Bless his heart! Mr. P has such a tender spot for our Colton. Almost every phone call ends with him in tears. He tells me about whatever shenanigans took place that day, what he tried to teach Colton, and whatever conversation they might have had. He then always ends the phone call by telling me that he loves our Colton and that Colton holds a part of his heart. I believe him. He is a good man. * I have a dear friend, Heidi. She is in our ward. I adore her. She always looks out for Colton and Kaydon, makes sure they get home from school safely and that they know that she cares about them. Heidi is one of the people who Colton is allowed to hug whenever he wants to. Because of Colton's boundary issues, which are infinite, we are constantly reminding him that he has to ask people before he touches them or hugs them. Heidi has given him a free pass to hug her whenever he wants to. * Grandparents are so important for Colton. Grandma LeAnne is always sure to love on him and remind him that she loves him. She is so patient with him. Papa and Grandma are so kind and warm and soft with him. They are always wanting to learn and know how to reinforce rules and boundaries with him in the best way. Grandma laid and watched a movie with him the night of Jackson's dance... just her and Colton. * Colton will always have a soft spot for Nana. He loves her very, very much. They have a very special bond and they always will. * For Colton's siblings, it is a hard-trodden road. The patience wears thin, as it does for Josh and I. They become very frustrated with Colton. It is a tough thing to try to be patient, compassionate, and kind all of the time. But, there are moments of greatness with these kids. Yesterday in church (which is HARD), Colton sat in between Josh and Jackson. Josh was doing his best to keep something in Colton's hands to keep him busy and quiet. There were a few times, though, when nothing was working. I noticed that Jackson would put his arm around him and talk quietly to him to try to calm him. Grateful. Emotional. Blessed. * Heidi told me of something that happened last week. Zoe, her oldest who is in first grade, loves Colton. Every morning when Heidi drops her off, she goes and finds Colton and gives him a hug. Well, last week a few of the fifth grade boys asked Zoe if she was Colton's brother. "No, he's my friend." The boys asked why she hugs him. "Because he's my friend!" They pushed a little more about why she would hug him. (It's getting harder for Colton to not be bullied or picked on. The kids his age are noticing that he is different) "I told him that he is my friend!" Little Sassy Zoe has no idea what that means to me! Colton is completely "normal" to her. She loves him so she hugs him. End of story. She has no shame in doing it. She is proud to call Colton her friend and she isn't going to stop because a bunch of boys ask her 20 questions. Zoe for president! * Our sweet Primary president saw me in the hall after Sacrament meeting yesterday. Colton was trying to open every classroom door. He was not "with it." I was trying to re-focus him and get him to a good place so that I could take him to class. I also had Brooklyn hanging on my arms and was on my way to teach my own class. Josh was stuck talking with the Sunday School president. Natalie quickly, and calmly, came up and asked Colton if she could go to class with him. He lit up. She took him by the hand and off they went. Blessed. * It takes a village to raise an autistic child and we are blessed to be developing our village of loving, patient, non-judgmental people to love our child and help him to navigate a world that can be so very difficult for him.

My Gay Brothers

How is that for a title?! My dear friend, Miss Birdie, posted something on Facebook yesterday that caught my eye. She explained her belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and her religious affiliation - that of Mormonism. Then, she explained that she has many, many friends who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender and expressed her love for them in an unwaivering fashion. I thought how silly is what that she felt that she needed to do that. Let me explain further. I didn't think it was silly that she did it, I thought it was silly that she felt that she needed to defend both. Many people have said, read, and published words that pin the LDS Church against those people who have different sexual orientations. This is unfortunate, as the true Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches that we shall love one another. (If you didn't notice, I put a period at the end of that sentence). Meet Logan and Skip (Skipper). They are my brothers. Well, Logan is my biological brother and Skipper is my brother-in-law, but we drop the in-law in our family.

Logan is 4 1/2 years younger than me. I was protective of him from infancy. He was THE cutest baby. He smiled all of the time. His blonde hair and blue eyes were irresistable. They still are. He was a chick-magnet. He went on dates constantly. He was in choir and had good friends. When he was around 18, if I remember correctly, he came "out" as being gay. (If you didn't notice, I put a period at the end of that sentence).

Skip is older than I am. He he. Skip is tall and handsome. His smile is unbelievably beautiful. His hugs are warm and safe. His eyes sparkle. His laugh is contagious. He and Logan have been together for eight very happy years. They are good, good men. Oh, do they have hearts of gold. They have helped to financially support the boys and I on several occasions. They volunteer. They welcome people into their circle and nurture them and strengthen them and comfort them. They work hard. They play hard. They love one another in a way that you rarely witness. They are happy, happy people who generate an energy that is so powerful to be around.

My Grandpa Nef told me of a time that was difficult for him. My grandpa works in the Fresno LDS Temple. He was a bit perplexed about the relationship between Logan and Skip. He fell in love with Skip immediately. It's impossible not to! He loves Logan with a love that is unconditional. But, he felt that his religious beliefs must be contrary to the love that his grandson and partner had. He went to the temple president one day and told him of his confusion/dilemna. The temple president said to him that he should continue to love Logan and Skip with his whole heart and that we are very blessed because God knows all. He knows FAR more than we know. He is a just God and He is the one who will make judgements. We need not do that. Ever. Grandpa was so relieved! And, to watch Grandpa with my brothers is to watch true love in action. The moment Logan and Skip walk into a room, it literally lights up and Grandpa is always the first to hug and kiss them. Oh, how he loves them.

A couple of years ago, I explained to my boys that their Uncle Logan was gay and that Skipper was their uncle too. Colton, in his delicious autistic world, went to Skipper one day and said, "My mom said you are gay." Skipper said that his mama was correct. Colton said, "I love you anyways." Skipper smiled and hugged him.

Logan and Skipper, your big sister loves you with an eternal, unconditional love. I love you to the moon and back. I am HONORED to be your sister. I am HONORED that you are the uncles of my five children. My husband loves you. He would drop kick anyone who did anything that might even appear to be hurtful or disrespectful to you. Our children adore you. They learn from you, and I can't think of two better examples of empathy, strength, courage, service, and integrity than the two of you to learn from! I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are ALL children of our Heavenly Father. He knows us. He loves us. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that we have an elder brother, Jesus Christ, who loves us - enough to die for us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that families are forever. My love for you and my testimony of the Gospel are not separate. They are not perpendicular. They are not in competition with one another. They go hand-in-hand. How grateful I am to be your sister and to have the privilege to love you everyday.

Brothers

Those of you who have known us, stood by us, loved us, prayed for us, sent well wishes our way through all of our "stuff," to you I say thank you. My boys are resilient, and thank goodness for that because most of their lives, their mama has sucked it up big time! I seem to have a hard time choosing the right. I like to make the same mistake about 97.8 times BEFORE I decide to choose the right. Because of my lack of choosing the right on the first try, my boys have been dragged through it. Last night, I sat on the porch and watched my big boys play soccer with each other. My boys are hilarious. They are strong and healthy. They are smart. They are articulate. They are fun. They are good. I marveled for a moment at how they have become such good boys. It's certainly not because of me. I am certain that it is because of prayers, good primary and young men's teachers, good bishops, good friends, good grandparents, good uncles, good great-grandparents, a good auntie, good people (strangers), who along the way have smiled at them, have given them $1 for helping in their yard, have encouraged them, have taught them through example to be good, good young men. Yes, they beat each other up. Yes, they tell each other to shut up. Yes, they yell at each other. But, down deep they love each other. They have always had each other and they always will. They love their mama. They are good to me. They comfort me and protect me. They teach me. They train me. They direct me in their own ways. I am immensely, and eternally grateful for the friends of mine who have never left me, who have inspired me, wiped my tears, hugged me, loved me despite my flaws. To each of you, thank you. I owe you big! These boys have been carried by our Heavenly Father more than even I know. He has held them in the hollow of His hands daily. They have been surrounded by angels regularly. This I cannot doubt. I am so thankful for a Gospel that teaches us that we have a Father. That our Father hears us and answers our prayers. These boys have been my very greatest joy, my greatest inspiration, my biggest reason for carrying on when I certainly felt like giving up. I am eternally grateful to be their earthly mama, the one who gets to hug them and love them every day. I am so grateful.

Bring on the LOOOOOVE

Valentines is a tough holiday. You never know quite how to feel or quite what to say to people. For most of my life, I have hated Valentines Day... with a passion. I hated handing out Valentines in school, I hated that I never once got asked to a Valentines dance or prom, I hated that everyone seemed to get a Valentine... everyone but me... the list goes on and on. But, I LOVE getting Valentines from my kids and for my kids! Braxton woke me up today, wrapped his arms around me and said, "Happy Valentines Day Mama. I love you more than anything." Done. I'm sold. Is that not the best? It is. For those who are divorced, single, widowed, married but miserable, married but lonely, single and lonely, or just plain sad - remember that Valentines isn't just about being someone's Valentine. It's about love, and everyone is loved. Everyone. Remember to take a moment to ask Heavenly Father to be able to feel His love. It's there. I set up a Valentines gift for my kiddos this morning. They'll take their Valentines to school today and pass them out, and they'll come home all sugared up with lots of candy. Jackson will give his sweet "girlfriend" a ridiculously huge teddy bear with a candy bar. He'll have butterflies in his tummy. My sweet dad will give my sweet step-mom flowers. My mom's boyfriend will give her something special. The day will go on and then tomorrow it will be over. Just remember that YOU are loved just as much as the next person.

Twin Time

Have a look at these two beauties! Zac and Allie are getting so big... well Zac Attack is getting so big! Allie is a bit of a diva! She picks and chooses how much to eat! I got to love on these two little pieces of heaven yesterday. They are such good babies! They are growing up and doing so well!