How Do You View Yourself?

http://sfglobe.com/?id=13741&src=share_fb_new_13741 Please watch the video on the link above. It's magical! As women, we tend to forget that we ARE beautiful, that we ARE worth more than words, that we ARE needed and noticed. I forgot this for most of my life. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that I am a daughter of God, that He knows me and loves me. I know this to be true.

Failure... Almost

I swear if you saw our first attempt at a garden, you would either hug us and tell us how sorry you are that we suck, or you would just shake your head and walk away. It's bad! Like, really, really bad. However, in the midst of what we thought was a complete failure, we have five pumpkins. Do you know how many kids we have? FIVE! We have a pumpkin for each kid. Miracle. Then, on Saturday, I was in the kitchen cleaning and I looked out at our aforementioned garden and noticed that the peach tree that I thought we also killed had produced a boat load of peaches. I sent the children out with large bowls to collect the goodness. The brought in bowl after bowl. I started researching how to freeze these suckers, how to make peach cobbler, how to do anything to preserve all of this goodness. They are delicious. They smell so good. They are such a blessing! This week, I will get them frozen and dried. I will also join my family in continuing to eat them fresh. They are delicious.

I was reminded that in the midst of what we think are epic failures, we can find success and triumph. We can find things that bring us hope for something better. We can find blossoms amongst the thorns. We are so blessed to have this fruit for my family to eat. #grateful

My B Beck

I totally stole this picture off of B Beck's blog. I didn't even ask if I could use it! It was a real-life robbery! Guilty as charged! Anywho, onto my post. As I have said many times on my blog, I have never, ever doubted that I am a daughter of God. But, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let Satan do a little more than bruise my heel. Sometimes I let him make me forget that I am a daughter of God, and that He loves me and hears my cries. B Beck is one of those angels that we are taught about... one of those angels who walks beside us, here on earth. I believe that Heavenly Father send angels from the other side to help us and guide us, to walk beside us and comfort us. But, I know that Heavenly Father also gives each of us people, here on earth, to walk beside us, to remind us who we are, to say to us just what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would say to us if they were right here beside us. B Beck is one of those angels for me. B Beck and I have known each other for 13 years. She and my Mo were my visiting teachers. They were so much more than visiting teachers, though. B Beck was very instrumental in getting me and my four boys out of our home and safely into my parents' home. Although I can't ever remember B Beck and Mo coming to my house and reading a lesson from an Ensign to me, we went out to lunch or dinner every month and we talked about things of the spiritual nature, i.e. tithing, trials, prayer, the Priesthood. As the years have gone on and the three of us have all endured our fair share of trials, heartbreak, loss, blessings, triumph, and love, we have continued to meet two or three times a year for lunch where we catch up, and talk about things of the spiritual nature, i.e. tithing, trials, prayer, and the Priesthood. We laugh, we cry, we comfort each other, and we even push each other to do better... at least B Beck pushes Mo and I to do better. You see, B Beck really doesn't have anything that she needs to be better at. Seriously. Nothing. I remember a couple of experiences with B Beck that have never left me: 1) She offered to have her dad give me a blessing about 11 years ago. Her dad is awesome. Right after the blessing, he said to us, "Heavenly Father loves his girls. He isn't always so fond of his boys, but he loves his girls." It made us both laugh. 2) I talked to her about how frustrated I was with the situation with the boys' father. She told me that I was quite possibly praying for all the wrong things. She admonished me to change my approach with my Father in Heaven, and to pray for forgiveness, even love for their father, and to ask Father in Heaven for the ability to have what the boys and I needed regardless of what their father provided. My whole way of thinking changed that very day. So much of the anger and frustration and inpatience that I had been weighed down with went away that day. 3) B Beck knew that I needed a little pick-me-up this week. She listened to my frustrations concerning a situation in our lives right now. Then, she told me that Satan was winning by getting me down about this. She told me to get a blessing, and to remember that sometimes I have to let things go, give them to Heavenly Father and let go. *** I am so grateful that Heavenly Father knows us. He knows just who we need in this life to make it through with some degree of sanity. I am so grateful for my B Beck and my Mo. I am so grateful that she has always loved me, despite myself. She has never given up on me, just like Heavenly Father will never give up on me. Love my B Beck!

Driving me Crazy!

This boy has started driving with Mom and Dad. I am taking him to get his learner's permit on Friday. He is a hoot! He is pretty dang nervous about driving, which I think is a good thing! He is extra careful. It's one of the many benefits of living in the country! He has much less traffic, and more open spaces to practice in. His brothers are ruthless, though! They cannot shut their mouths about it and Jackson gets a wee bit frustrated... like he about explodes. I, personally, cannot wait to have another driver in the house!

Secrets

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqqqV50zaAc&feature=player_detailpage&list=PLoB26vWzg9s7B1ze7WMwhUFD9iWKEoS0_ Seriously, copy and paste this link into your browser and listen to what she is saying! I love Mary Lambert. A lot. I was listening to this song on my long drive home last night and it made me think... What are my secrets? What do I keep hidden because I am so stinking afraid that people will find out who I really am?! I absolutely love that she dispels the idea that having secrets is necessary. She gave me a wee bit of courage, too, you know? SO, lucky audience members... you get to hear what MY secrets are. Right now. I am literally going to tell you what my secrets are, and in the future when my five kiddos read this blog they, too, will know that mommy didn't have to keep secrets, that I finally believe that I AM good enough... just the way God made me! Secret #1: I am so ashamed and sometimes lost in my cellulite. It is my most embarrassing physical feature. My legs are covered in cellulite and I am humiliated and disgusted by it. I try to hide it in any way I can. When I wear maxis, I wear Spanx. Well, I did until a couple of months ago when my husband told me to knock it off. But, I have cellulite People! It's part of who I am, part of what makes my body my body, and it aint going away anytime soon! Secret #2: I am really terrified of crowds. I don't like them. I avoid ward parties and big work things. I feel awkward and out of sorts when I am in big crowds. I actually DON'T want people to approach me because I am so afraid of it. I am afraid of EVERYTHING, and Josh knows this, but I don't think he has any idea how afraid of crowds I am. Secret #3: I consider myself an enormous failure. I actually have defined myself, personally, as a failure. I feel that I have failed as a parent, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as an administrative assistant, as a calling-holder in the Church. It bothers me that I don't feel that I have succeeded at anything. Sometimes I think that I still hear the little voices in my head from my past and I let them get to me and define me. Secret #4: This is not a secret to some of you. I was in-patient in a psych ward for over a week. I was 103 pounds. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, which I had probably had for years. I have depression and anxiety. I wanted to die. I sincerely wanted to die, and tried to do that. Although to say that being in a psych ward (only four years ago) is humiliating, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I finally learned about who I am, what triggers me, what I can do to avoid it, or to cope with it, and I learned that I have a voice. When I was admitted, I was full of rage. I thought, "what right do these people have in telling me that I can't die?" "Why would Miss Birdie put me here?" "Why can't I just die?" But, in the end there was no better place for me to be for one week of my life. Secret #5: I enter every radio station contest there is! I do it online, and I've even won a couple! Secret #6: I love my freckles. I love my ears. I love my belly button. I love my toes. I bite my finger nails until they bleed, but when I don't bite them, I am so proud of myself! Secret #7: I wish that my brothers and I were close. I wish that we talked all the time and hung out. Secret #8: I regret not serving a mission. I also regret not going to Arizona with Doug the night before my wedding to RJ. I regret those decisions a lot. Secret #9: I drank alcohol for about six weeks of my life. It was so stupid. It was disgusting. It was gross. It is a sure-fire way to live your life, while having zero control over yourself. It is stupid. It is so, so dumb. There is zero things that are cool about it. For some reason, I just HAD to try it, then I just kept doing it. Six weeks of just pure grossness. Secret #10: I don't fear dying. At all. It, along with speaking in public, might be the only two things that I am not afraid of! What are your secrets?

S'mores!

Josh has coach's meetings every Sunday night. We haven't made s'mores for SO long and Kaydon asked for them every week, so I decided it was time! I asked Braxton to go ahead and start the fire. LOL!!!! It was rough, People! Eventually, we had a good fire going, but it was quite the adventure. He tried to start a charcoal fire at first. It was an epic failure. So, he got a PLASTIC container to put the HOT CHARCOAL BISQUITS in. NOT A GOOD IDEA! It melted. Duh. So, Kaydon thought he needed to morp into a fire-fighter. Water EVERYWHERE! Then, Brooklyn's marshmallow started on fire, like a BIG fire. She was NOT happy. She ran with it to the side of the yard and stepped on about 17 stickers. NOT happy. Colton ate about 18 s'mores during the chaos. He had taken his nighttime medication and was pretty much unaware of the absolute genius comedy taking place around him. Jackson was laughing. Not helping. Laughing. I was snapping pictures. In the end, no one was injured seriously. Nothing of great importance burned down. The s'mores were delicious! The sunset, as always, was unbelievable over the lake. Kids went to bed happy. So did their mommy.