Friday Favorites - 21 Days Closer

B Beck sent me a book. This book:

It is a book that challenges us for 21 days to be closer to Christ. I have decided to do 21 WEEKS of being closer to Christ. I am using it personally, where I set my own goal for the week ahead. I am also using it for our Family Home Evenings. Each Monday night, the boys gather 'round my bed and I read to them the next week's message and goal. We then pray about what we can do for the next week to accomplish the goal that we set.

It's an easy way for this very busy mama to insert goals, and more importantly spiritual goals, in to my family's lives.

Friday Favorites - SOCKS!

You know B Beck? Of course you do! She has eight children. One of them is Dakota (Bones). Dakota has his own business. He makes socks. And, they are super rad!

Dakota made my mama some socks when she was diagnosed with cancer. Dakota also made my boys and I Ogden Temple socks, and his mama sent the most amazing cards with them. Oh, we are blessed.

Kota can pretty much put anything on a pair of socks for you! He answered a girl to a dance with socks. SO cute!

You can email sluffinitsocks@gmail.com with orders or questions.

Thankful! - Miss Becky

From the moment I saw her, I remember thinking how gorgeous she was. I hadn't even gotten to know her heart and gorgeous is not an adequate word to describe her heart. This woman is one of the greatest examples I have ever had. She is a homemaker to a tee. She is a mother to a tee. She does everything right... I'm pretty sure. She loves our Savior and follows His path, no matter what.

She is a survivor. She lost her eighth baby just a few years ago and never once doubted her testimony or her plan on Earth. She is a wonderful mommy to seven kiddos and very soon will be a grandma. She will be the best, I have no doubt.

She is a woman of character, integrity, dignity, and love. Her little cards that she sends to me bring tears to my eyes each time. She is always in tune with the Spirit. I am so blessed to be her friend. So blessed to be her friend.

BTW. FYI.

I have a strong testimony of my Heavenly Father. I have a strong testimony of His son, Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony of prayer, of the Priesthood, of the Atonement, of Prophets. But I don't have a strong testimony of my ability to HEAR and to SEE and to DO. I have been struggling SO much the last few weeks. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am supposed to be doing about my marriage. Josh is wanting to get back together, as if nothing happened. BTW, something(s) did happen. FYI. He is wanting to go to couple's counseling together. Although I haven't had a great feeling about it and I don't really ever have good feelings when I am around him, I can't figure out if I'm supposed to be doing those things. I have prayed my ever-living-guts out about this. I have sat in the Celestial Room, praying my ever-living-guts out about this. I have prayed day and night - rarely sleeping. I have told Heavenly Father that I will do whatever He wants me to do if He will just tell me what that is! Please!

I feel like it is so easy for others on the outside to tell me exactly what I should be doing. It's easy for them. Yes, I see that everyone who actually loves me only wants what is best for my children and I. I am so blessed to be loved. However, when they just go right on and tell me exactly what I am supposed to do, I wonder how it is that they feel so confident in what they are saying and I don't! It's MY trashed life, after all!

Monday, B.Beck texted me. I told her what I just wrote. She asked, "When you asked Josh to leave, did you feel guided to do so?" I responded with, "Absolutely." She replied with, "Heavenly Father was guiding you. He's pretty consistent." Oh. I suppose that's true. Actually, I know that's true. I thought about it all day yesterday, all night last night, and most of the day today. I talked to my sons about it last night in Family Home Evening. Heavenly Father has never said, "Whoopsie, I was actually not quite right about that." OR "Ooops a daisy. I messed up on that." He doesn't mess up. He doesn't waiver. He doesn't change His mind. He told me months ago that Josh did not belong in our home. I held firm and asked him to leave, before knowing he was having a baby in June with someone else. Just because he isn't happy with the outcome of his choices doesn't mean I have to pay the debt for him.

...

A beautiful woman that I work with at my part time job came to me a couple of weeks ago while we were working together. She asked me how I was really doing, as if I am faking it til I make it... BTW I am. I told her that I had never been better. She laughed. She told me that she had just completed a class that changed her life. She told me that she had experienced a horrible event with her husband cheating on her with her best friend ELEVEN years prior. Her daughters noticed that she was just "coasting" through life, but that the light in her was gone and that she wasn't really living. They asked her to please get help. She chose to go to this class. Then, she asked me a question that stuck like a brain-sized wad of gum in my head for a week: "What is YOUR responsibility in this, Heidi?" WTH! WTF! GTG! I was speechless. She walked away. I thought, "Ummmm, is she being serious right now? I have zero responsibility in the fact that my dishonest, cheating husband got someone else pregnant AND left his family!" FYI. A week later, she and I worked together again. She said, "Heidi, my responsibility in my situation was that my husband was always flirty with my friends and I never said anything to him. I never told him my feelings about it. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have cheated even if I had told him, but I didn't voice my concerns. I have learned that about myself and forgiven myself. But, knowing what my part in it was has helped me to heal." I thought, "Well good for you!"

That thought that was a brain-sized wad of gum was still in my head. I thought about that constantly and then it hit me! I have ALWAYS stayed in when I should have walked away. When I should have left, and had every single right to walk away, I stayed in. I have always believed that I could love people enough to change them. I have always thought that I could make people want to do the right things. I married someone who left marks on my long before we were married. He would stop. I would show him that he was safe and that he didn't need to hurt me, or our unborn children. I stayed in. I married someone who had cheated on his first wife. HELLO Heidi. I stayed in. I could certainly change him. I would love him better. I stayed in. I married someone who I knew was talking to other girls the entire time we were dating. I would show him that marriage and family were optimal and that this was better than random strange girls who didn't really care and who weren't supportive like I was. I stayed in.

I never needed to stay in! I was worth it. I still am. I had decided that I was someone else's used garbage before all of this, therefore I wasn't worthy of someone who actually honored his Priesthood, someone who actually didn't cheat or lie or hurt. I was worthy of someone who knew how to love and showed it everyday. I didn't need to stay and I don't need to now.

...

I have parents (four of them), brothers (five of them), sisters (three of them), grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins who have stayed in with me and I could not be more grateful. They must be exhausted. I have four boys who are - princes, warriors, earthly angels. They continue to stay in with their mama. There are times when we need to stay in, but I have no doubt that Heavenly Father does NOT expect us to stay in when we are being hurt, when we are being betrayed, when we are being lied to, when we are being treated like less than the children of God we are.

Heavenly Father only needs to answer us once, because He doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't change His mind.

BTW. FYI.

Instruments in His Hands

Saturday, I had planned to be at the Layton Invitational Tournament all day. Plans changed when each of the kids was asking for Mom time. I obliged. We decorated the house for Christmas, cleaned, did laundry, played games, and laughed. Meanwhile, B. Beck dropped off a basket of love to Josh at Layton High for me. He brought it home for me and I cried.

B. Beck is the closest to perfect of anyone (besides my Grandma Robb) I have ever known. She is so in-tune with the Spirit, and she acts on those things. B. has been through hard times with me, dating back 15 years. She has never left me. She has loved me, prayed with me, wiped my tears, held my children, and reminded me often that I am strong.

I have said this before, but I am surrounded by angels. I always have been. Heavenly Father has blessed me with people who have done what I think He would do if He were here. And, these people have acted on those promptings. B. Beck gifted me with so many surprises. A couple of weeks ago, Miss Birdie sent me a note and a gratitude journal. Last night, Josh and I came home late from working at Kohls to find boxes of food and detergent on our front porch. Martha gets Colton home from school safely everyday, makes us homemade chicken noodle soup, and makes me laugh when I feel like crying. Family members love us and support us and care for us.

We are so blessed. And, we are so grateful.

Lunch Date

I got to have lunch with B. Beck and the girlies today! Oh, these girls are getting so big and so beautiful! Janie is in kindergarten and loves it! Lilly is three now, going on about 28! She is a crack up! She wanted me to read her books and I was SO happy to do that! Of course, B. Beck made an amazing lunch. She is pretty much amazing at everything she does! Lilly reminded me that Heavenly Father loves me. She was just what I needed!

My B Beck

I totally stole this picture off of B Beck's blog. I didn't even ask if I could use it! It was a real-life robbery! Guilty as charged! Anywho, onto my post. As I have said many times on my blog, I have never, ever doubted that I am a daughter of God. But, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let Satan do a little more than bruise my heel. Sometimes I let him make me forget that I am a daughter of God, and that He loves me and hears my cries. B Beck is one of those angels that we are taught about... one of those angels who walks beside us, here on earth. I believe that Heavenly Father send angels from the other side to help us and guide us, to walk beside us and comfort us. But, I know that Heavenly Father also gives each of us people, here on earth, to walk beside us, to remind us who we are, to say to us just what Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ would say to us if they were right here beside us. B Beck is one of those angels for me. B Beck and I have known each other for 13 years. She and my Mo were my visiting teachers. They were so much more than visiting teachers, though. B Beck was very instrumental in getting me and my four boys out of our home and safely into my parents' home. Although I can't ever remember B Beck and Mo coming to my house and reading a lesson from an Ensign to me, we went out to lunch or dinner every month and we talked about things of the spiritual nature, i.e. tithing, trials, prayer, the Priesthood. As the years have gone on and the three of us have all endured our fair share of trials, heartbreak, loss, blessings, triumph, and love, we have continued to meet two or three times a year for lunch where we catch up, and talk about things of the spiritual nature, i.e. tithing, trials, prayer, and the Priesthood. We laugh, we cry, we comfort each other, and we even push each other to do better... at least B Beck pushes Mo and I to do better. You see, B Beck really doesn't have anything that she needs to be better at. Seriously. Nothing. I remember a couple of experiences with B Beck that have never left me: 1) She offered to have her dad give me a blessing about 11 years ago. Her dad is awesome. Right after the blessing, he said to us, "Heavenly Father loves his girls. He isn't always so fond of his boys, but he loves his girls." It made us both laugh. 2) I talked to her about how frustrated I was with the situation with the boys' father. She told me that I was quite possibly praying for all the wrong things. She admonished me to change my approach with my Father in Heaven, and to pray for forgiveness, even love for their father, and to ask Father in Heaven for the ability to have what the boys and I needed regardless of what their father provided. My whole way of thinking changed that very day. So much of the anger and frustration and inpatience that I had been weighed down with went away that day. 3) B Beck knew that I needed a little pick-me-up this week. She listened to my frustrations concerning a situation in our lives right now. Then, she told me that Satan was winning by getting me down about this. She told me to get a blessing, and to remember that sometimes I have to let things go, give them to Heavenly Father and let go. *** I am so grateful that Heavenly Father knows us. He knows just who we need in this life to make it through with some degree of sanity. I am so grateful for my B Beck and my Mo. I am so grateful that she has always loved me, despite myself. She has never given up on me, just like Heavenly Father will never give up on me. Love my B Beck!