Tender Mercies from The Other Side

July 26, 2017 was a day that changed my life... and the lives of so many people. It's the day P went to the other side of the veil.

December 7th was his birthday and December 10th I had a stroke. I, and the doctors, did not believe that was just a coincidence.

July 24, 2018, P and his beautiful bride were honored at the Ogden Pioneer Days Rodeo. July 26th, my boys and I fixed breakfast for all of my guys because it's what P would have wanted. I needed it, too.

Yesterday, August 2nd, 2018, I was given a most tender of mercies.

Xavier had a lady at his window. I have an open window from my office out to his desk. I could see the lady standing there, looking at me. I didn't know her. X came in and told me that it was P's sister and that she wanted to talk to me. Again, I'd never met her. What could this be about? She came back, asked if I was Heidi and then hugged me. I invited her to sit down. She talked about how she couldn't believe she was in my office and that I was going to think that she was crazy and that she didn't want me to think she was crazy and that she had even pulled over on her way to my office and asked P if this was really necessary. I just sat, stunned. Then she proceeded to tell me that P had come to her every single night for two weeks in her dreams... telling her to come talk to me and telling her what to say. At that point, I began to weep. As did she. She told me that P wants me to know that he loves me and my boys. She told me that P said to tell me not to be sad anymore because he and Sarah are golden... doing so good. He told her to tell me that he knows I'm mad at him, but it's okay. Even if he wouldn't have gotten into that airplane that morning, he would have been taken. It was his time and it was okay and he was ready. Then, he told her to tell me that he can do SO much more for my boys and I from where he is than he could ever do for us while he was here. I just wept. I told her that the last part was what I needed to hear... I needed to hear him say that he can do so much more for us from where he is at than he could do here. That is what I have struggled with... feeling like I need him HERE and NOW. I thanked her. I told her I believed her and trusted her. She reminded me, through tears, that these were not at all her words, but his. She thanked me for being receptive. I thanked her for following her promptings. She told me that she just needs him to leave her alone!! I giggled at that. I told her how much I love him and how much I miss him. I told her that I have been mad, but that now I understand. I told her about how he was there, in the circle, when two of my boys were set apart to different levels of the Aaronic Priesthood last August. She told me that she knew because he had told her. I told her how much I miss him. She told me how much she misses him. We talked about his children and the tender mercies that are with them every single day. We cried some more. I asked her to stop in whenever she has a chance because she has his eyes and it was such a blessing for me to be able to look at his eyes for a half hour and know, because the Spirit bore an undoubtable witness to me, that it was all true.

As she left, she told me that the last thing he wants me to know is that he is ALWAYS with us. ALWAYS. He doesn't leave the boys and I, just like he never leaves his children or family members.

What a blessing to know... to really KNOW... that this life is not just to be born and die. There was life before this. There is life after this. There is purpose to all of it. The veil is so thin. SO thin. Heavenly Father blesses us with angels seen and unseen, heard and unheard. I have no doubt that there are angels who are preparing the way for my Jackson and his mission. There are angels who are meeting on each of our behalf's each and every morning. We are never alone. We are never without. We are so, immensely blessed.

Impossible to Doubt

Wednesdays, at my full-time job, are supervisor staff meeting day. I usually fill myself up with Diet Coke before I head in there because I am constantly scolding my guys to speak my language and to stay on task. It never fails that there are lots of laughs, and usually lots of serious discussions. Sometimes the meetings can be awkward if there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Those are the moments when I put my head down and focus on writing minutes. If something is brought up that sounds like a fun thing for me to do (driving the bush master), then I pop in and say, "I can do that!" It never fails to draw shakes from the heads of every single one of the guys in the direction of, "NO you can't, Heidi!" Then I get discouraged and put my head down and continue writing minutes.

I almost always know about any surprises that P has for these meetings. So, at the end of the meeting when everyone is done and it's time to end and he looks right at me and says, "Heidi Ray, we love you," and hands me an envelope:

and continues on by saying, "We are so proud of you. School will be starting in a few weeks and the boys are going to need some supplies so here you go...," I can't quite catch my breath. I covered my face and he said, "Now, don't get mad and start yelling like you do... we want you to know that we are your family. We are here for you and we love you and those boys..." And then I start crying, which I do just about all the time... and I manage to get the words out, "Ernie has told me a few times, 'We will carry you until you can walk again on your own.' I could not do this without you guys. Thank you."

I sent my boys a text once I stopped crying and got back to my office. It said, "P and the guys just handed me an envelope. It has Subway gift cards for date night and cash for school supplies. Boys, don't ever doubt that Heavenly Father knows us, hears us, loves us, and takes care of us. He has always put people in our path who He knows we need. Mama loves you boys."

Friends, I am telling you that it is impossible to doubt that there is a loving Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, and elder Brother. They know who we are. They see us. They hear us. They love us. They answer our prayers, and the prayers of others who are talking to Him on our behalf.

I cannot even begin to tell you what it has meant to us when people have given us food (Mommy M, Bishop K, Papa & Grandma, Nana & Pops, Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie, some that we don't even know!!), clothing (B Beck, Sheffields, Laws, Uncle Logan and Uncle Skipper, Grandma N, and so many that we don't even know!!), makeup, coloring books, markers, fun posters, cards, and knick knacks (Miss Birdie, Miss T (Younique!!), B Beck, LeAnne, Auntie, Paula, so many others we don't even know), and money/gift cards (Uncle Logan and Uncle Skipper, B Beck, Nana & Pops, Papa & Grandma, Grandma and Grandpa N, my guys, and others we don't know). These things don't just happen. It's isn't just "lucky." It is people in our lives who are in-tune with our Heavenly Father, who bless us when we don't even know we need them right then.

I was told in a blessing about twelve years ago, given to me by B Beck's sweet dad, that Heavenly Father would make up the difference. I was told that He would bless us with Priesthood holders and people who would help us. Those same words have been repeated in several blessings since then. It is impossible to doubt that He is real and that He knows every single one of us SO much more than we can comprehend.

***On another note, it's always so touching to see my big guys get emotional. I think I've seen every one of them cry now.***

Shout it From the Rooftops!

Heavenly Father knows us. He hears us. He expects us to do all we can, then He fills in the holes. Shout if from the rooftops! One of my very favorite co-workers is off for the next couple of months after a Cancer diagnosis and an upcoming surgery. He popped in this morning to bring me my favorite treat that he made early, early this morning - pie crust with cinnamon sugar on it. Just because he wanted me to feel HIS love. Are you kidding me?

This morning as I was leaving my house for work, I opened an envelope addressed to me on the kitchen table. There was no return address on the envelope. It was a homemade card that simply said, "Merry Christmas! We love you and your family and hope you have a wonderful Christmas." It had two $100 bills in it. I cried all the way to work. I called Josh and told him. He simply said, "We are so blessed, Heidi. People really do love us."

I am just amazed at the love we have been shown, at the unselfishness of people who are so willing to give to us, at the kindness of good people. I SO wish I knew who this card was from!!! I need to hug them and tell them that we love them and that we are so thankful.

As I talked to Heavenly Father in the car this morning, which I do every morning, I told Him that I struggle so much doing it His way. Why can't I just win these contests I enter all the time? Why not just have back CS paid in full? Why can't I just get a fat raise at work? But, it's not up to me. I just need to keep giving it my all, and He will fill in the rest in HIS way and in HIS time.

I am so grateful. We are children of God. Literally. He knows us. Literally. That's a real thing. Shout it from the rooftops!

Overwhelming Gratitude

I almost feel silly writing this post. I feel like I am bragging about the people in my life. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Kaiper, was born in the Phillipines. She left a lasting impression on me. She used to drill into our little minds that bragging was quite possibly the worst character flaw of all. We should never, ever do it she would tell us. Therefore, any time I have felt that I might be crossing the line, my little seven year old mind reminds me that it is evil and I shouldn't do it. Today, I must give myself permission to brag about the people along our path who have brought such joy into my weary heart.

In previous days, I have logged blessings received from B. Beck, Miss Birdie, Martha, and angels unknown to me who have sent notes, helped with my children, and dropped off packages and boxes of food and goodies. Oh, how those have lifted my spirits to heights they haven't seen in some time. Last week, a co-worker of mine gave me a beautiful poinsettia plant. It sits on my office window sill and brings me color and brightness each day. It's glorious. Yesterday, another co-worker stopped into my office with a gift card to Smith's. When I asked him why, he replied that people helped him when
his teenage daughter was diagnosed with cancer. Cancer. I am working two jobs. His daughter had cancer. Big difference. But, he said to me that it's the small things that brought him comfort and joy and he needed me to feel that same comfort and joy. I cried, then hugged him. Ashley is a blessing to me.

This morning, our Streets supervisor and crew leader told me they had something to show me. Usually when they say that, it includes me being able to sit in a big tractor or tasting their new venison jerky. This morning, it was a large red envelope with a gorgeous Christmas card inside, signed by them and six of their crew members. The notes were to wish my family and I love this holiday season. It included cash and more gift cards to Smith's. I sobbed, then they sobbed as well. Grown men. Burly men. Blue collar men who work in the conditions everyday, who have families of their own. Our Streets supervisor is fighting a battle against cancer right now. They told me from the day I started, I was their family and that they loved me.

Then I marched myself into my boss's office and told him he was going to get it. I told him that he was the only one I shared personal information with, therefore I knew he was in on this somehow. He told me that from the day I started, I was family and that I was loved. I told him, through ridiculous sobs, that at times when I feel like I just can't go on, things like this happen. They always happen when I just feel like I need to be done.

Isn't prayer fascinating? I pray continually to know that my Father in Heaven loves me and that He is there and that He sees me and hears me. I also pray continually for financial blessings so that I can spend more time with my family. In my mind, the Publisher's Clearing House people are going to show up at my doorstep. You know, with red roses, balloons, and a big banner saying I've won $5,000 a week for life. If that's not possible, then just maybe back child support can be paid in full. Or, maybe I can get a raise. Maybe Josh can get a promotion. But, that's not what Heavenly Father has in mind obviously. (On a side note, do you think He shakes His head at me repeatedly???) He shows me, through people just like me, that I'm noticed, that my family is loved, that my long days and nights do not go unnoticed by Him, that He knows we are trying, that rain storms in all their fury create amazing rainbows. He shows me repeatedly, in His way and in His time, that faith and sacrifice will bring blessings. He shows me repeatedly that we are never, ever alone. We are known. We are heard. We are seen. We are loved. We need not give up. We need not quit. We need to keep walking. We need to keep trying. We need to keep our chin up because everything will be alright in the end.

Tonight, my children get to go to Papa and Grandma's house for their Christmas sleepovers. They will be taking a hay ride at Thanksgiving Point. Then tomorrow morning, they get to go to a movie and to see Santa. They get to make memories, as they do so often, with people who love them to the moon and back. A couple of weeks ago, they go to do that with Nana and Pops. Sometimes, they get to make memories with Papa Bruce, Grandma LeAnne, and Grandma and Grandpa Nef. Sometimes, they get to play with Uncle Brandon, Aunt Carrie, Uncle Logan, Uncle Skip, Uncle Matt and Aunt Jenn, Uncle Mike, Aunt Nichole, and Uncle Colton. They are loved and supported and cared for.

I've been able to look back on every moment of this earthly journey and see angels, seen and unseen, along my path. I have never had a time in my life when I walked this trail alone. Ever. There has always been room in someone's inn for me and my loved ones. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

We Are Queens

Just because I needed to be reminded of this today... and always.

My Gay Brothers

How is that for a title?! My dear friend, Miss Birdie, posted something on Facebook yesterday that caught my eye. She explained her belief in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and her religious affiliation - that of Mormonism. Then, she explained that she has many, many friends who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender and expressed her love for them in an unwaivering fashion. I thought how silly is what that she felt that she needed to do that. Let me explain further. I didn't think it was silly that she did it, I thought it was silly that she felt that she needed to defend both. Many people have said, read, and published words that pin the LDS Church against those people who have different sexual orientations. This is unfortunate, as the true Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches that we shall love one another. (If you didn't notice, I put a period at the end of that sentence). Meet Logan and Skip (Skipper). They are my brothers. Well, Logan is my biological brother and Skipper is my brother-in-law, but we drop the in-law in our family.

Logan is 4 1/2 years younger than me. I was protective of him from infancy. He was THE cutest baby. He smiled all of the time. His blonde hair and blue eyes were irresistable. They still are. He was a chick-magnet. He went on dates constantly. He was in choir and had good friends. When he was around 18, if I remember correctly, he came "out" as being gay. (If you didn't notice, I put a period at the end of that sentence).

Skip is older than I am. He he. Skip is tall and handsome. His smile is unbelievably beautiful. His hugs are warm and safe. His eyes sparkle. His laugh is contagious. He and Logan have been together for eight very happy years. They are good, good men. Oh, do they have hearts of gold. They have helped to financially support the boys and I on several occasions. They volunteer. They welcome people into their circle and nurture them and strengthen them and comfort them. They work hard. They play hard. They love one another in a way that you rarely witness. They are happy, happy people who generate an energy that is so powerful to be around.

My Grandpa Nef told me of a time that was difficult for him. My grandpa works in the Fresno LDS Temple. He was a bit perplexed about the relationship between Logan and Skip. He fell in love with Skip immediately. It's impossible not to! He loves Logan with a love that is unconditional. But, he felt that his religious beliefs must be contrary to the love that his grandson and partner had. He went to the temple president one day and told him of his confusion/dilemna. The temple president said to him that he should continue to love Logan and Skip with his whole heart and that we are very blessed because God knows all. He knows FAR more than we know. He is a just God and He is the one who will make judgements. We need not do that. Ever. Grandpa was so relieved! And, to watch Grandpa with my brothers is to watch true love in action. The moment Logan and Skip walk into a room, it literally lights up and Grandpa is always the first to hug and kiss them. Oh, how he loves them.

A couple of years ago, I explained to my boys that their Uncle Logan was gay and that Skipper was their uncle too. Colton, in his delicious autistic world, went to Skipper one day and said, "My mom said you are gay." Skipper said that his mama was correct. Colton said, "I love you anyways." Skipper smiled and hugged him.

Logan and Skipper, your big sister loves you with an eternal, unconditional love. I love you to the moon and back. I am HONORED to be your sister. I am HONORED that you are the uncles of my five children. My husband loves you. He would drop kick anyone who did anything that might even appear to be hurtful or disrespectful to you. Our children adore you. They learn from you, and I can't think of two better examples of empathy, strength, courage, service, and integrity than the two of you to learn from! I have a testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we are ALL children of our Heavenly Father. He knows us. He loves us. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that we have an elder brother, Jesus Christ, who loves us - enough to die for us. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that families are forever. My love for you and my testimony of the Gospel are not separate. They are not perpendicular. They are not in competition with one another. They go hand-in-hand. How grateful I am to be your sister and to have the privilege to love you everyday.

Tender Moments

Last Thursday, Josh received a call from his aunt. Josh's grandma was not well. He called me to relay the message and I got in the car and drove right over. Little Gram has a special place in my heart. She is feisty and sassy and funny. And, she loves me. :) I walked into her room. She was completely incoherent 98% of the time. She looks nothing like Gram any longer. Her spirit is in and out of her old and tattered body. It's mostly a shell at this point. I held her hand, laid by her, stroked her forehead and ran my fingers through her hair. I cried a little, too. I remember taking care of my Grandma Robb and my Grandpa Robb. I did much the same with them. They are so close to me every single day. I miss them terribly, but the closeness that I feel to them everyday reminds me that this earth life isn't the end at all. Gram Thomson is not a member of the church, nor is that entire side of the family. I talked to her a little bit about that as I sat with her. At one point, I told her I loved her. She opened her eyes slightly and mouthed that she loved me too. I cried a little more. When Josh showed up, she woke just a little bit, smiled, and mouthed that she loved him. I was so thankful for that. I hope that Gram goes quickly, and smoothly with no pain or anxiety. I also hope that she knows how loved she is.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Several years ago, when we were in our ward in West Jordan, a sweet, sweet lady brought us dinner every single Monday night... because she wanted to. My kids loved her. I loved her more. She was my solace, my safety, my calm in the storm. Every time I had surgery, she brought her homemade chicken noodle soup. It was like nothing I have ever had. It was perfect. It was amazing! I love to make homemade chicken noodle soup. My kids love to eat it. I do too. Last week, I was really sick. I asked my sweet friend, Martha (Heidi W.), to make me some of her homemade chicken noodle soup. She did and I haven't stopped eating it since. It is so yummy! There is something about chicken noodle soup that warms the body and the soul, at least mine. It seriously makes me feel loved. And, I love it right back!

This quote, which happens to be my very favorite, also makes me feel loved. And, I love it right back! I can always hear Elder Holland's voice saying it. It reminds me that this is such a small part of our immortality. We need not give up. We need not quit. We need not stop trying. There is always help and happiness ahead. Always.

How Do You View Yourself?

http://sfglobe.com/?id=13741&src=share_fb_new_13741 Please watch the video on the link above. It's magical! As women, we tend to forget that we ARE beautiful, that we ARE worth more than words, that we ARE needed and noticed. I forgot this for most of my life. I am grateful for the knowledge that I have that I am a daughter of God, that He knows me and loves me. I know this to be true.