Hard to Be

Jackson attended Youth Conference at the end of last week. He came home Saturday, sat on our bed, and cried. He is such a sweet, sensitive, emotional boy. He is a good boy. Right now, it is hard. He is going to be 16 years old in two months. He starts 10th grade this year. He expressed that he doesn't have any friends in West Point, that he simply follows kids around. He expressed that he misses his friends in Sandy so much. He expressed that it's just hard right now.

As he cried, I cried. My heart broke. I fully understand that my choices have led to multiple schools and lots of changes for these kids of mine. None of that is easy. In fact, it is super hard!

He said that kids think he is weird. He said that kids prefer to hang around kids who swear, and who are disrespectful and rude. He said that he just can't be that person. Josh tried to lift him up, telling him that things will change this year, with a driver's license and a part-time job. I just kept right on crying.

Here's the thing - I had zero friends growing up. None. I was always a loner, and considered to be a loser. I was a home-body, and that ended up being okay with me. I am now aware of what social and emotional damage that did to me growing up. It lingered into adulthood. The words that people said to me stuck to me like stickers put on Wemmicks. The fact that I went to one dance stunk. Feeling like I didn't belong, like I wasn't good enough, like everyone must be right about me... it created who I became... until six years ago when I learned a different way.

My dearest Jackson - and all other kiddos who feel like this is REALLY crappy - this is but a small moment of eternity. This is a little black pen mark on a piece of string stretched between your house and the neighbor's. This is a time that is meant to be hard, but that is also meant to be full of joy. Keep on keeping on. Really! Do something everyday that makes you smile, even if it is sticking a lemon peel in your mouth, or killing a fly, or singing a silly song. Remember who you are and the infinite worth that you have. And, please do NOT ever forget to pray. Pray for good friends. Pray for strength to stay on the path that you have worked so hard to walk on to this point. Pray for courage to be who you are everyday. Don't let the stickers stick to you. Remember Lucia? She just let them fall right off. Think of Lucia when things are hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be, and that's okay. It's good to be you!

Temple Terror & Triumph

I took my endowment out almost twenty years ago. It was a lovely day. A couple of months later, I went to the St. George Temple to do a session. It was an utter and complete failure. I vowed never to go back. Ever. Without disclosing too much, the helper at the veil was much less than helpful. In fact, she would not help me at all and I was stuck at the veil for a very long time. It was a nightmare. After this experience, my mom drove down to St. George and took me to the Temple. She spoke with the Matron of the Temple, told her of my experience, and pleaded with her for help. The sweet Matron then gave my mom and I a private room in the Temple so that my mom could practice the veil portion with me. I have had it memorized ever since and repeat it to myself quietly almost every day.

I knew that I needed to go to the Temple on Saturday. I just knew I needed to be there. I drove up there and presented my recommend at the front desk. I was then told that the name in the system did not match the name on my recommend. I was asked to take a seat in the lobby while the recorder was called to the desk. Terror swept over me. There I was, alone, again, and feeling like I was not going to be allowed in the Temple on the day I knew I needed to be there. The recorder came out, took my recommend and disappeared. I sat there. Alone. All alone. Several minutes later, the recorder returned and called me to go back with him. I cried. He told me that everything was fine, that it was simply my maiden name in the system and apologized that the front desk made such a big deal out of it. I told him that I felt like I was not going to be allowed to enter. He explained to me that he was the previous bishop in my ward and asked where we lived. He was kind and compassionate. I was grateful. I pulled myself together and went to dress.

I received the name of the sweet girl I was going through for. She only had a first name. No last name. Yet, I knew that she was known to our Heavenly Father. It was a very small session, in fact just enough couples to fill the prayer circle. When I made it to the veil, I was ready as I always am. Then, I realized that my helper at the veil was training. It was her first day. She was so nervous. She couldn't get any of her part right. I was so willing to stand there as long as needed so that she could feel comfortable and get it right! I had my part down. She just needed to get her feet under her and feel confident in her part. Either way, I wanted her to take her time.

Together, we triumphed. When I got to the other side, I hugged the man standing there. I'm pretty sure that threw him off. It's okay! I was reminded that we are imperfect people trying to live as part of a perfect gospel. We are all in this together. We need to be patient with one another. We need to be kind. Heavenly Father knows us perfectly. I love to see the Temple!

Strength

My co-workers gave me some cash for my birthday. What did I do?!?! I bought new running pants! One of the pairs has the word "strength" down the side. I think about that word while I run. Colton told me last night that I am "strong." That's right, buddy! Your mama IS strong! We are ALL strong! We all do things that are hard. One of my favorite running quotes is, "It doesn't get easier, but you get stronger!"

I really am loving running. I think about it all day and then I go and do it and I wonder why I wanted to do it! But, when I'm done with my run, I feel STRONG. That is what it is all about. It's about accomplishing things that are good, that make us feel good, that make us stronger.

All Aboard!

I put Jackson on Frontrunner this morning - headed to Sandy. Then, I went into my car and cried. Before he got on, I told him about stranger danger and to remember the ninja moves I have taught him over the years. I reminded him over and over that I love him and that it was going to be okay. The entire time, he was actually telling me that it was going to be okay! He is headed to Sandy to spend a week with friends. He is growing up and he is such a great kid. I'm so proud of him and the choices he is making. It's just crazy to think that he will be 16 in two months!

Swimming

On Saturday, Josh was at the U all day for football and the two older boys were with friends. I knew I needed to get the three younger ones out of the house so I took them swimming. It was a win for everyone! They swam their hearts out while I sat in the sun. Perfection!

I Run With New Shoes!

My brothers, Logan and Skip, sent me a gift card. What did I do with it? I got running shoes - real running shoes. They are my first pair of running shoes. I literally tried on every single pair that they had at the store. Josh was so patient with me. He just kept opening boxes and helping me try them on. These are SO good. They have the memory foam in the bottom, which really helps my back. And, they are so cute which is a bonus! I had my first run with them Saturday night and I think we are going to be friends for lots of miles to come!

KK Graduates

Kaydon graduated from the sixth grade today! When he saw me sitting in the audience, he said, "Mama, it made my whole year that you are here!" Mine too, KK. Mine too.

I run!

A few weeks ago, Josh and I were asked to participate in the Ogden City Marathon by going to the VIP tent, eating breakfast with important people, and cheering on the runners as they crossed the finish line. It was DUMPING rain. It was cold. I hate running. It was early. I was not exactly excited, but we went anyways. I can't tell you how many times I cried as people crossed that finish line. I was so inspired by those who clearly weren't classified as "runners." These people had a goal. It was to run. It was to finish. They did both. I left there and told Josh that I was going to run the Ogden City half next year. Last Monday, I started my "training."

Now, it's important to understand that up until last Monday, I would literally rather chew on broken glass than run. I always joked that I only ran if someone was chasing me, and even then I was going to question the importance of actually running. The thought of running made me unhappy.

I told my boys what my goal was. On Monday, they did it with me. We walked a mile, then jogged a mile. I did that same thing six days last week. Today, I start with a 1/2 mile walk, then I'll jog 1 1/2 miles. Next week, I'll go to 2 miles, and so on. I am running six days a week. We are signing up to do the Dirty Dash in September. It's a 5k. Before that, we are going to sign up to do the Syracuse 5k. It's August 1. I am determined to do it!

I could easily walk faster than I run, but that's not the point. The point is that I am doing it and I'm not quitting. I don't stop to walk one step. I jog the entire way. I think about how my family believes in me. I think about the text message Braxton sent me on Tuesday that read, "Keep going. You got this." I think about my amazing body, that is missing the three bottom disks in my spine, and that has had heart surgery. It's doing it! I pray the entire time I am out, pleading with my Father to bless me with hope, courage, confidence, and the ability to quiet the voice in my head that tells me I'm a quitter, that I can't do it, that I'll never accomplish anything.

I remind myself that I'm not in competition with anyone else. I am only in competition with myself. I am on my own portion of this journey. Others are on theirs. Some can run 26 miles, some can run 13, some can run 5, and I can run 1. One is a great starting point. Here is to six days of 1 1/2 miles jogging... because I'm good enough to achieve goals that I set!