Shift Leader

This hunk of burnin' love was promoted to shift leader Tuesday at his job. I am so stinking proud of his hard work and efforts! He works so hard and tries so hard to be good at everything! I love him so much!!

Our Trial and Triumph - Angels in Action

I am so thankful for our Bishop, his counselors, and especially for my boys' young men's leaders. They are amazing. We have been so blessed to always have Priesthood holders in our midst who could provide blessings, comfort and counsel.

Years ago, Becky's sweet dad gave me a blessing. In it, he told me that my boys would have what they needed, that they would be blessed with Priesthood holders who would guide them and direct them. He blessed me that Heavenly Father would make up the difference for my sweet boys. And He always has. My boys have always had fantastic, honorable Priesthood holders in their lives who have been great examples of faithful, good men.

We continue to be so blessed!

Our Trial and Triumph - My Survival Tools

I would be lying if I said that I am doing just fine. I mean, I am doing okay. I'm still here. I still get up every morning, besides this past Sunday but more on that later, I still fix my kids dinner every night, I still go to work and get there on time, I still work two jobs, I still clean my house and do laundry. I still think about exercising and then don't do it. But, things are not all roses and petunias. You know? Not everything is smooth right now. In fact, this morning I decided to double my happy pill dose. (The doctor said that was reasonable considering...)

There are things that help me to get through my days/weeks/hours/minutes/sometimes seconds:
1. Sarah's links every morning. It reminds me that someone is thinking about me and praying for me. Sweet Nathaniel once prayed that I would know of my worth. They are such a blessing.
2. Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi. It really doesn't matter. Just make sure I have one of them each day.
3. Once a week Venti whipped creams with a little hot chocolate!

4. Coloring
5. Naps
6. Music
7. Flowers
8. Crushed Ice
9. Prayer
10. More prayer

Our Weekend

Last week was rough. Perhaps it was just a culminating effect type thing. But, on Friday while driving back and forth, to and from Colton's neuro-psych testing, I realized I needed to throw up a white flag. I called my mom and asked if the boys could spend the weekend with them. She said, "Of course." I knew that if I didn't take some deep breaths for a day or two, I might just lose it. I needed to cry. I needed to scream. I needed to let myself be frustrated - without my boys there to witness it. I needed to get things in order, in my head. I slept until 3 pm on Sunday, completely missing church. I took Gus for a quick walk, then went back to my bed.

My babies got home late Sunday afternoon and they were bearing gifts for their Mama. My heart was full again. My home was full again. I was so happy to see them. This week, while they are on Spring Break, I know that they are in a warm home with food and each other. I am so thankful.

Our Trial and Triumph - Week of Blessings

1. Attending the Temple Dedication (Provo City Center Temple)
2. Visiting Nana for her 60th birthday
3. Our flowers blooming (in between the snow storms)
4. Movie gift card from B. Beck
5. Finding a house!
6. Jamie Jones
7. Patient boss
8. Crock pots
9. Music
10. Family prayer

11. My babies
12. New office décor
13. Mutual
14. Appliances that work
15. Laughter
16. Tears
17. Easter Sunday
18. Finger nail polish
19. Testimony
20. Choice

Significance

Yesterday, Colton and I got to spend time with the principal and the police officer at the school. Today, we will be spending the day at Matt's Place, getting Colton's neuro-psych testing done. It's a full day of intense testing. It'll be a long day for Colton, physically and emotionally exhausting. It will also be a long day for Mom.

These are hard days. Sweet Colton not only has disabilities to deal with, but some recent trauma on top of that. He is doing his best, but sometimes it just isn't enough for those looking in. I always want my children to know that they are significant. They are amazing. They are worth it, no matter what the world might tell them.

We are doing hard things. We are DOING hard things. We are doing them every day, just like everyone else on this earth. We are doing hard things and we are significant.

Work Family Picture

Today, we all wore the same color so I announced that we would be having family pictures. They were thrilled! Perry refused to put his water bottle down because he felt like it matched. Whatever. I love this family of mine!!

Our Trial & Triumph - Angels in Action

Meet Rock. That's not actually his name, but it is what I call him because that is what he has been for the last two months. This is Ernie. I work with Ernie. Ernie has been on leave since December with a knee replacement. Ernie has not missed a day texting me morning and night, reminding me that I am in control of my situation and I can do hard things. He tells me everyday that what I am feeling is okay. He tells me everyday that it's okay to be sad or mad or hurt or furious, but that it can only last a few minutes, then I have to remind myself that I am in charge of how I feel and I can do hard things.

Last night, he reminded me that I'm checking things off my list by finding a house. I thanked him, like I do everyday. He said, "You don't have to thank me. You've done it everyday. You are stronger than you think you are, you just needed to see that for yourself."

I adore my Ernie! He has been my Rock and I am so thankful that he is back at work now!

Road Trip to Sandy - Nana's Birthday

On Sunday, the boys and I went on a little road trip to Sandy to take Nana an ice cream cake for her 60th birthday.

Jackson's best friend for years, Dalton, found out that we were just down the street for a couple of hours and came RUNNING to the house to see us. I love that boy. They were so stinking excited to see each other.

We sang to Nana and then headed back home to a beautiful sunset.

Happy birthday, Nana! We love you!!

My Weekend - Ditched and Ticked

Friday night, my boys ditched me. They were there one minute and gone the next. I guess friends are a little more important some days! So, I went and got myself a Swig and went to Joann's and got a new coloring book and a little craft project to hang pictures in my office. So there, boys!!

Saturday, I worked all day and got home around 8:30 that night. When I was pulling up into the driveway, I noticed a whole flock of teenage boys on my roof. Then, I saw them scatter like geese. They knew they were in trouble. Apparently the look on my face said it all!

Honestly, though, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love being a mama of these boys and all of their friends!

Our Trial and Triumph - Week of Blessings

Our week of blessings included:
1. Meeting with the Bishop. He's hilarious.
2. Heidi making me laugh during RS.
3. The sunsets. Oh, they are divine.
4. Having a few things fixed in my house.
5. Freedom.
6. Ernie coming in to see me right before I launched myself off of a cliff. (Not really, but close)
7. Miss Sarah not ever letting me down.
8. Being back at Kohls. I love them.
9. Stupid, funny videos that my boss shows me that are not very appropriate.
10. My B Beck.

11. Braxton laying with me in bed just because.
12. My Logan and Skipper. What would I do without them?!?!
13. My flowers blooming in the front yard.
14. Fresh flowers.
15. Hugs. I love hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
16. Tracey. Tracey. Tracey.
17. Heated blanket
18. Post-it notes!
19. My family
20. My babies.

Date Night

I met my four hunks at Sam's Club after work yesterday. We grocery shopped, then I fed them. It was pretty much a dream come true for them, I'm sure. Who wouldn't want to go on a date with their mom to Sam's Club?!?!

Seriously, though, these boys are my whole world. I love them so much and I love that they love being with me still.

Our Trial and Triumph - Angels in Action

My co-workers have been nothing short of on point, all the time. I have the biggest work family and they have been so good to me. My boss is getting SO good at listening to me cry and knowing when this girlie needs a blessing. The 84 guys who look gruff and rough are my protectors! They make sure that I am happy and comfortable and laughing and eating. I feel sorry for anyone who ever wants to take me on a date. They'll have to pick me up from here and go through a reception line of 84 men who will not allow anything bad to happen to me or my kids!

My sweet Ernie still texts me every morning and every night. He has been out for a couple of months because of surgery but he has found a way to come in twice just to hug his Spunky. He constantly reminds me that I am doing this every day and I am doing great.

Tracey and X-man make me laugh everyday. They make me laugh. They keep me entertained. I am beyond blessed to work in a place where I am loved, safe, and happy!

Ba-Bye

Oh, hi. You know, not everyday can be roses and warm fuzzies. And the last couple of days haven't been, but we are still here and we are still doing. Miss Sarah sent this to me:

She has a funny way of letting me know that I need to put on my big girl panties and carry on! I love her for that.

Tracey and I have decided to have a word of the week every week. We are pretty awesome like that. Last week it was "Ba-Bye!" It's pretty much carried over into this week. We actually think that we are hilarious. Like, we crack ourselves up.

Carry on.

My Grief - The Stages

Dear Grief-

You suck! Like, you are literally sucking the life out of me! The last several months, I have cried daily. Almost every night, I cried myself to sleep. It was exhausting. Then, about two weeks ago I seemed to stop crying. I mean, don't get me wrong. I did still cry, but only like twice. I no longer had bad days, just bad moments. It was SO nice! I felt like I was healed! I felt like I had everything completely under control. Then Sunday night happened. Out of no where, I was furious, irate, completely pissed off. (I think that is the ugliest word of all time, but it is very appropriate to describe my feelings) My anger was visible, tangible, and boiling over. Yesterday it just kept right on rising up - and not the kind we shout for in our awesome-sauce family cheer! I could not keep it together for anything.

The hardest part for me, I think, is that it came out of no where. I was not expecting it or anticipating it. I had been doing so well. It just hit me like a semi truck traveling at 70 miles an hour down a lonely, dark highway. It was miserable. It was such a hard day for me. I didn't know how to pull it together! Ernie reminded me that it's part of the grieving process and that I really did need to go through it. I know he's right. It's just one of the stages and I need to let it happen.

In happier news, check out this sunset from my bedroom window! It is so beautiful!

Our Temple Tour - Stop One

A couple of weeks ago, I told the boys that we were going to go to every single temple in Utah. We started on Saturday! I decided we would start at the northern-most temple. Logan would be our first stop. I want to incorporate something about each place when we go, so I googled the best restaurants and came across the Firehouse Pizzeria. That was our first stop once in Logan. It was well worth it - DELICIOUS!!

Then, to the temple we went. It's a beautiful temple. The baptistery is old, authentic, and filled with character. I watched as each of my four boys was baptized for five people, each, who have passed away. I'm pretty sure it was the best moment so far!

Then, we headed for Aggie ice cream, because... duh!!

Our Trial and Triumph - Independent

Thursday night, I went to Lowes on my way home. I had a list of stuff I had to get for repair-making. I had to buy two more packages of tiles. That project will get done in a couple of weeks. I bought two new switches for the kitchen. We haven't been able to get the lights to turn off. I also got a new fixture for the upstairs hallway and a new handle for the sliding glass door. The boys and I busted out some projects! Yes, I had Mike on the phone to help me know which switches to get and I had Ernie on the phone to help me with the fixture. But, we busted it out! I am so proud of us!

Our Trial and Triumph - Week of Blessings

1. My mother's ring arriving
2. Camille Hansen's hug
3. Fresh flowers
4. Deb's email
5. Hot showers!
6. Crock pots!
7. Going tanning
8. Samuel earning money for Braxton
9. My bishop
10. Painting my finger nails

11. The smell of manure
12. The sound of geese behind our house
13. Heidi's texts
14. Sarah's links
15. Sunsets
16. Longer days ahead!
17. My nicknames that make me laugh: "Spunk," "Spunky," "Spunkmeister," "Rae," "Rae Rae"
18. Terri's big hug
19. Playing with and holding babies
20. Agency!

Our Trial and Triumph - Crocodile Tooth

My sweet friend, Jude, sent me the sweetest note with a necklace. Her words were, "I know all too well you pain at this moment, so please trust me when I say that there are huge gifts as you move through this transition. I'm so very sorry for the way these gifts are coming into your life - I know when it happened to me I felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. I lost all my air and couldn't breathe for almost four years... Crocodile symbols: strength, bravery, resilience, honor, indestructability."

Thank you, Jude. I wish that other people didn't have to experience this pain, but how grateful I am that they are able to have real empathy and compassion for me. I am so grateful that they are willing to share with me what they have learned and how they got through the toughest things in their lives.