Colton Living His Best Life

Colton is in Sandy this week with Nana and Pops.

He is living his best life!

He read a 300 page book in ONE day.

He went hiking with Pops on Monday.

He gets to work at the Church farm tonight.

He gets to hang out with his friend, Aiden, this week.

He is just the happiest boy!

But, his mama misses him BIG!!!

Single Mom Gig - The Real Deal

Although I try to be positive, patient, hopeful, prayerful, and faithful, this single mom gig is a struggle. It is lonely. It is exhausting. It is scary. It is not what I envisioned when I thought of my future. Sometimes I cry. A lot. Sometimes I wonder why such a righteous desire of being loved and having a worthy, honorable eternal companion is seemingly unattainable. I texted my pops on Saturday, asking him to give me a blessing on Sunday when the boys and I would be down for dinner. He, of course, obliged. Then, Kaydon came in and asked me what was the matter. I had been off all day. I had been quiet, tired, teary, and a bit lethargic. I told him how I was feeling. He told me to rest, then he told me to text Becky Beck and ask her what to pray for. Isn't that sweet that my boys knows who I need to go to for specific answers?! So, I listened to him and I did just that.

B Beck told me that one of my spiritual gifts was that I love, with my whole heart, unconditionally. She told me that I am lovable. She told me that while I am praying for companionship of a loving, adoring, honorable priesthood holder who can take me to the Temple, I can be praying for other things in the meantime. She then told me of a friend of hers. Her friend dated a lot years ago, similar to what I have been doing for the last year and a half. She then decided to begin praying for contentment as a single mother. She prayed that her need of intimacy and companionship would go away until the day when Heavenly Father was ready for her to find her companion. I needed to hear that. And, I promised her that I would do that with as much faith as I could muster. I then watched the Women's General Session and heard words that were comforting to me in many ways.

Sunday, the boys and I drove down to Sandy. I had been prayerful for about 24 hours that my pops would be able to speak for my Heavenly Father and tell me exactly what I needed to know. Shortly after arriving, I asked Pops if he could give me the blessing. I was so eager! He, my mom, Jackson and Kaydon and I sat in the living room. He began by asking me what was going on. I explained to him how I was feeling. He then told me that he would be back. He went upstairs and prayed. Do you know I know that he loves me? You just read it. He listened, then went upstairs to listen to the Father so that he could talk to me for Him.

My pops gave me the most beautiful father's blessing. He paused repeatedly, and for long periods of time, as he listened specifically to the Spirit. At one point, he said out loud, "I'm not sure I understand how to tell her that." My heart about burst. He cried through most of it. Well, we all did. When he was done, he sat in front of me and we talked about the feelings and impressions he had during the blessing. This is what I learned:
1. I have to forgive myself. My past is my past. What is done is done. It's over. Heavenly Father has forgiven me. He is waiting for me to forgive myself. I'm not sure how to do that. But, I will learn and I will do.
2. I have to learn to love myself. I have always felt extremely unlovable. This is obviously not okay. I need to work on ways to learn to love myself, to know that I am enough. I love others with everything I have. I love other unconditionally. But, I don't love myself. This is a necessary step in my progress.
3. I have the most amazing children. When I told Kaydon that I pray constantly that I will just be loved, he said, "That prayer has already been answered, Mom. You have us." He's right. I need to stop looking for prayers to only be answered in the way I envision, and start looking at all of the answers that have already been given.
4. The Lord will not let me down. He's not going to let me down as long as I am doing my best. And, I am.

Waiting means hoping, anticipating, and trusting. In the meantime, it requires me to have faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, endurance, and diligence. I have been asked to keep the commandments, standfast, press forward, and rely on Christ. I need to not cast away my confidence in my Savior. I need to work WITH Him together for my good.

After my blessing and dinner, Kaydon and Pops made a fire and then the boys played games with Nana and Pops while I watched football.

These are the real feelings of being single. It's not always fun and games. It's not always glitter and unicorns... well it's NEVER glitter and unicorns. It's hard. It can be lonely. It can feel defeating and tiring. But, it's my path right now and so I will try hard to forgive myself and love this sassy pants self of mine.

Pops, The Interrogator

Oh, Pops. Last week, I stopped by to check on the Nana. I had someone with me who I wanted her to meet. It just so happened that Pops was there too! Lucky B!!! Pops asked the following questions:
* Are you gay?
* Do you plan on having children with anyone that is not Heidi?
* Do you hit women and children?
* How do you feel about going to the car wash on the first date?
* Can you handle her???? She's sassy!

Cute B just laughed. He and Pops hit it off great. He answered all of the questions with the correct answers! Pops said, "She is my daughter, so I have to make sure to do my job!" I loved that so much! He was getting right in there, being protective! He and Nana are so funny and always make each other and everyone else laugh.

We sure do love them so much!!!!

Thankful! - A Little Break to Cry

First of all, this may be a depressing post to some. For that, I am sorry. Please remember that this is my journal. I hope to look back one day at trials and tribulations and exhaustion and hurt and heartache to see that Heavenly Father was really just paving new roads for me and my boys.

I will begin by saying how thankful I am for phones and text messaging. Sweet Colton texted this to me this morning:

I love that I can text my boys throughout the day and tell them how much I love them.


As you know, Nana was diagnosed with cancer little over a week ago. I have to back up a little to tell my entire story accurately. The week prior to Nana being diagnosed, I had been talking to and spending some time with a guy at work (the part-time job). After I had told him that I was planning to become a Mormon nun and never wanted to date ever again - he somehow began to heal my heart. He was so nice to me. He made me smile. He made me feel sort of alive again. He made me feel a little more complete. He was with me Sunday when Pops texted to say that we wouldn't be having family dinner because Nana was in the hospital. Then on Sunday, I sort of (like big time) flipped the flip. I decided that this was just a joke and that he, too, must be a fraud and a phony and I let him know that. Needless to say, we didn't talk a whole lot for a couple of days. After I realized what I had done (automatically assuming that every guy is going to do what J did and subconsciously blaming them for it), I tried desperately to apologize, but to no avail. I felt so sad. I cried and cried. I felt like I had ruined everything. Working together has been so awkward, to say the least. Finally, last night after talking to Nana and knowing the plan and the intensity of what is going on in her little body, I told him that I felt it would be best to just not talk anymore and that I would unfriend him on social media and that I was so thankful for the time we did spend together and I thanked him for everything and then I cried about that and Nana and everything. I made Braxton watch Pitch Perfect with me last night and it was just rough.

The last two mornings, I have gone into Kohl's at 5 am until 7:30 am, then headed to Ogden. This morning, he was there and blatantly ignored me. I said his name to have him help with some merchandise and he turned and said, "Did someone say my name?" I walked away and cried some more. But, as Rock always tells me - what did we learn? From this, I learned that no relationship is ever wasted. We can always learn from it and grow from it. I learned that not everyone is J and not everyone is going to do what he did. I learned that I need to stop building walls so tall that I can't see what is right in front of me. And, I learned that I'm tired and lonely and spent.

Now to the cancer. Nana has stage three cancer and it is very fast-moving and aggressive. She starts a very strong chemo on Monday. She will lose her hair immediately. She will be sick and tired. Now, I know she is going to read this. When I talk to her and I am with her I am strong. When I'm alone, I am not strong. So, Nana when you read this - just know it's my feelings and emotions right now - but we are going to fight like hell. My mom is the only person who has never left me. Ever. I can't lose my mom. Period. She is the one who has picked me up and cupped my face in her hands and told me it's all going to be okay. And, it has been. Now, it's time to show her that everything is going to be okay.

What I know: my mom has the most amazing husband. As I drove from Kohl's to Ogden this morning in tears, I thanked Heavenly Father that my family members are not alone. My mom has a wonderful husband. My dad has a wonderful wife. Both of my brothers have wonderful spouses. Pops is taking great care of Nana and I am so thankful. My mom is a fighter. I get my feisty and tenacious personality from her. She will not quit. She will fight and we will all fight with her. My mom is beautiful. One of my earliest thoughts of my mother is that I always found her to be absolutely stunning. Hair or no hair, my mom will always be beautiful. We will carry her for as long as she cannot walk on her own. We are going to fight like hell.

What else do I know? I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm really lonely. My boys and I have been through a lot and I have done everything in my power for the last year, three years, ten years, 17 years to be strong, to pick myself up and move forward, to have hope and faith. This was sort of the last straw for me, in a way. I am struggling right now to find strength. I am weak today. I am tired today. I am scared today. I am sad today. I feel really lonely. The loneliness is not like I am alone - I am constantly surrounded with love and friends and family and co-workers who lift me up with their love and their faith and their joy. I just feel sad that I don't have companionship. That's all. The end.

Thankful! - My Mama

It's fitting that today I am thankful for my mama. Last night, we found out that she has ovarian cancer that has at least spread to her bowels. She begins chemo next week. The eight sessions will allow the cancer to shrink so that the doctors are fully aware of everything they need to surgically take out. It was as if we had been throat punched. And, throat punching sucks.

I am thankful for my mama. We haven't always been close. I was always a daddy's girl. I wanted to be at the ball field with him. I wanted to work in the yard. I wanted to watch football games with him. But, I look back and realize that while I was doing that my mama was at home doing her best to keep everything together.

My mom is beautiful. She is organized. She is smart. She is clean. She is sensitive. She is loving. She is talented. She is mine.

I am so thankful for my pops, who loves my mom like no love I have ever seen. He takes care of her everyday. He makes her feel loved and appreciated, and he works so hard to do everything he can do for her. He makes her laugh. He makes everyone laugh. He supports her in everything she does. We will all make it through this.

Like Magic

When we went to Nana and Pops' house on Sunday, there was a new, beautifully framed picture above the piano. It was the picture of their sealing day at the Bountiful Temple. Pops is SO proud of this picture. Know why? It took him a lot of painstaking time to take someone out of the picture and make it look like he was never there. It's a beautiful picture. My mom is especially glad that Miss Brooklyn is in it. And, she should be. Brooklyn will always be part of us, even if we don't see her anymore. We love her so.

Also on Sunday night, I sent someone a text message. My children thought that is was, perhaps, a bit harsh. My parents didn't. They said that I said exactly what they were thinking. The text message read: "Hi J. I'm mailing the divorce papers tomorrow morning. I have to be honest and say that I'm disgusted that I am paying for a divorce you caused. Not to mention the last year of trying to put me and my kids' lives back together because of your lies, cheating, and complete dishonor. I would like to plead with you to stop ruining lives. You've hurt so many more people than you know. Unfortunately all that you care about is you. Stop teaching your children to lie and to be like you. The fact that you're teaching your daughter to lie about who she is with is heartbreaking. You're teaching her to lie just like her dad. I have no doubt that you have plenty of mistresses that you are living a fantasy life with. Your addiction to women, attention, and your own wants is something I'll never understand. I used to believe that the fact I paid your bills, paid for everything actually, loved your children like my own, worked two jobs so you could coach, took care of everything made me special. News alert: I'm special and worth it just by being me. If you have any shred of honor at all, you'll step up and figure stuff out. You'll pay be back for this divorce so I can buy groceries. How lucky are you that you can choose to not work at a second job? Living with your dad, behaving like your sister. Some of us single parents have to work two jobs because no one else is going to step in and pay rent, utilities, and give me a car to drive. I'm relatively certain no one will ever love your children the way I did. But you don't care. It's all about you, not them. Goodbye."

I want to focus on the part about my definition of "special." I'll blog about that tomorrow.