We Are Finally Doing It

The boys and I left our home, and their father, when Colton was four months old.

That would make Kaydon 16 months old.

Braxton 28 months old.

Jackson 4.

It has been 15, almost 16, years of hard.

Not just hard in the single-mother realm of hard (which is HARD).

But, hard in the emotional feelings, dislike, arguing, and every other possible negative feeling you can imagine.

We have never done the co-parenting thing. The parent-time thing. The custody/visitation thing.

It's just not been the way it's been.

Both Ryan and I have had very real feeling about each other, and not one of them has been positive in any way.

Both of us have held and harbored ill feeling toward each other.

For YEARS.

Until now.

Ryan is an enormous reason why I am now in treatment.

It was him that I called on that July 24th and begged to come be with me.

It was him, who very kindly and very compassionately, told me what he saw from a distance.

To explain this miracle would be impossible.

Ryan and I don't talk.

We don't converse.

We haven't liked each other for a LONG time.

But, on that day, in my darkest of dark moments I called him.

It was not a mistake.

I know that now.

Since that day, we have begun to do the co-parenting thing.

Yes, we now have an almost 16 year old, an almost 17 year old, an almost 18 year old and an almost 20 year old.

But, that's not the point.

The point is that we are now going in the right direction.

We talk almost daily about the boys - about what they are doing and not doing, about our feelings and impressions about what they need and how we feel we should go about it, about our concerns for them, about our love for them.

He is trying so hard to get financially stable and trying so hard to get to a point where he can help me financially.

He was so sorry yesterday when I told him that I now have a part-time job outside of the home to try to get everything paid off and be financially self-reliant.

We talk spiritually about how we can help the boys and we discuss game-plans for them.

In the end, the last 15 years are not really what matters. 

The fact that we are finally doing it NOW is what matters.

And, I am thankful.