Swimming & Babies & Fear

It was a busy, busy weekend - 

Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Friday night, I was able to eat and visit with two of my favorites - Becky and Mo.

We sat outside and talked about EVERYthing possible for three hours while eating Cafe Rio.

Oh, how I love them!

Saturday, I got up early and went to the gym.

My body worked hard and my mind was able to focus on this body of mine that is functional and strong and brave.

Sassy begs almost everyday for Mama Heidi to take her swimming.

I loaded up Colton, Amia and Sass and we went to the pool.

Amia and I sat in our chairs and read our books.

Sassy and Colton swam for three hours - blissfully, unreluctantly, happily, excitedly...

Then, we posed for a picture.

I didn't cover up my body.

I stood right up and wrapped my mama arms around my chidlens.

My children see strength and beauty and Mom.

They don't see imperfections or cellulite or scars or bumps.

They see Mom at the pool, reading a book, smiling and drinking Diet Coke.

And now, so do I.

Later that night, I made all of the kiddos tacos, took Kaydon some dinner and then colored with Sassy.

Sunday was a day that I had been both looking forward to and scared to death of.

We went to church.

Both meetings.

Then I headed to the gym.

Sundays at the gym are like an extension of church for me, and I don't mean that in a blasphemous way at all!

I am usually one of five people there and I can work out and my brain is at ease.

After my workout, I went into the large classroom - where large aerobics classes are held.

I turned out the lights and went into the corner with two mats below my body.

I did my yoga, then I meditated.

In silence.

Focusing on my breath and focusing on LISTENING.

This is the part of meditation that I am most working on now.

Listening.

Then I went and met with my bishop for our weekly visit.

Afterwards, I drove to my mom's where I met Kaydon and Colton and these babes.

Oh, the joy they bring!
For real!
Being an auntie is like the world's greatest gift!

In the early evening, I left my mom's and headed home to attend my first 12 step group meeting.

I was terrified.

I tried to come up with every single reason why I should not attend, then I remembered that I am in treatment. I am an addict. I am no longer hiding or lying.

I am showing up.

To all of it.

For me.

For my boys.

When I got home to grab my notebook, Matt had left all of my belongings from Idaho in a garbage bag.

I was shattered.

Literally shattered.

I have always defined myself as someone else's used garbage - thus addiction - thus treatment.

This was a physical picture of that definition that I am working so hard to release.

I cried and cried.

I prayed.

I got in my car and I drove to the group.

I sat in my car and called my T.

Bawling.

Sad.

Hurt.

Anguished.

Pissed.

(I hate that word)

She did exactly what you would expect a best friend (soul sister) to do...

She talked with me as if she had angels sitting right next to her telling her exactly what to say in that exact moment.

I don't even think she realized it.

Then, I walked in and sat down.

In a 12 step program.

"How did I get to this point?" I asked myself.

Then, hope.

Love.

A tangible Spirit.

My Heavenly Father's love for me and every other person in that room.

Gratitude.

Rest.

The latest reading from my book:

This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.