Nana Update

Nana had her second round, of three, of chemo yesterday. She is so amazing! Her bone pain and neuropathy have been rough, but she remains so courageous and so happy despite the challenges that are monumental! She is so eager to go back to work soon. May 1st is the goal date for her to go back to her job.

Pops continues to be such an amazing partner to Nana. He is so good to her. He always makes sure she is comfortable and laughing. Any chance he gets, he makes sure she is laughing. He continues to go and teach Nursery every Sunday, while she rests. She hasn't missed any of her appointments and just takes such good care of her!

We love her so much!! We are so proud of her!!

Nana's Having a Birthday

Nana is having a birthday tomorrow! She is going to be 61! How cute is that head of hair of hers?!?!

I knew that I had to get her a Vera Bradley bag. I love the one that B Beck gave me SO much that I haven't used anything else since I got it. Mama loved it and so I got her one that looks almost just like mine. When I showed it to her, she was SO excited. It made my whole week!

We had dinner, Jackson bought a cake, and we loved on her. She is perfection. Seriously. She is perfection!!

Happy birthday to this mama of mine and nana of my boys!!!!!

Kicking Cancer's Arce

Yesterday was the day that the surgeon went in and took out the rest of that cancer. Miracles happen. Know why? The only thing the surgeon had to take out was that ovary. No bowel. No other organs. That bowel had cancer in it. Not now. Nana has four holes in her tummy. Nothing but a thing that is. The boys and I drove down yesterday and loved on that Nana. She won't remember it, but we don't care. We have pictures. Pops was right... we should have audio recorded what she was saying because it was priceless. She LOVED cranberry juice yesterday. Colton is a good boy. Who is Eric? How are P and Rock? Who is Jackson's new girlfriend? Kaydon is handsome. Pops has great ideas. It's weird that Braxton isn't the one in the hospital. She is tired of the bed. She wants a shake, except she throws them up so not today.

Oh, how we love this badass?!!!!!!!

Ninjas

Yesterday morning, I was SUPER excited. We were going to active shooter training and I was stoked. I was so prepared to be a ninja and I could not contain my excitement. Fast forward four hours and we arrived at the building. I immediately wanted to go home. I did NOT want to be there. P was there. Rock was there. X-man was there. I had my guys who would never let anything bad happen to me but I wanted OUT. It was intense. It was a four hour ordeal. We went through classroom training. Then we went through four different situations. The first was the "fight" part. If the offender is within 21 feet of you - you need to prepare to engage. I didn't like this part. I mean, I love kicking people and punching and kneeing. But, the thought of engaging someone with a knife or a gun who is intent on killing you was not my idea of fun. Then, we went to the negotiate part - the talk the person down part. Screw that! I'm not going to talk to someone nicely who wants to kill me!! Then, we went to the active shooter (and they used guns - with blanks - but guns!) part. It was an office building set up. They had us walking through and then they shot that damn gun. I was out! I mean like - run Forest run - OUT. I ran and didn't stop. Others barricaded themselves in. Some hid. I just ran like a bat-crap-crazy woman! Finally, we assessed the day and went home. I was traumatized. I am not a ninja. I am a runner.

You know who is a ninja, though? This beauty right here:

Thankful! - A Little Break to Cry

First of all, this may be a depressing post to some. For that, I am sorry. Please remember that this is my journal. I hope to look back one day at trials and tribulations and exhaustion and hurt and heartache to see that Heavenly Father was really just paving new roads for me and my boys.

I will begin by saying how thankful I am for phones and text messaging. Sweet Colton texted this to me this morning:

I love that I can text my boys throughout the day and tell them how much I love them.


As you know, Nana was diagnosed with cancer little over a week ago. I have to back up a little to tell my entire story accurately. The week prior to Nana being diagnosed, I had been talking to and spending some time with a guy at work (the part-time job). After I had told him that I was planning to become a Mormon nun and never wanted to date ever again - he somehow began to heal my heart. He was so nice to me. He made me smile. He made me feel sort of alive again. He made me feel a little more complete. He was with me Sunday when Pops texted to say that we wouldn't be having family dinner because Nana was in the hospital. Then on Sunday, I sort of (like big time) flipped the flip. I decided that this was just a joke and that he, too, must be a fraud and a phony and I let him know that. Needless to say, we didn't talk a whole lot for a couple of days. After I realized what I had done (automatically assuming that every guy is going to do what J did and subconsciously blaming them for it), I tried desperately to apologize, but to no avail. I felt so sad. I cried and cried. I felt like I had ruined everything. Working together has been so awkward, to say the least. Finally, last night after talking to Nana and knowing the plan and the intensity of what is going on in her little body, I told him that I felt it would be best to just not talk anymore and that I would unfriend him on social media and that I was so thankful for the time we did spend together and I thanked him for everything and then I cried about that and Nana and everything. I made Braxton watch Pitch Perfect with me last night and it was just rough.

The last two mornings, I have gone into Kohl's at 5 am until 7:30 am, then headed to Ogden. This morning, he was there and blatantly ignored me. I said his name to have him help with some merchandise and he turned and said, "Did someone say my name?" I walked away and cried some more. But, as Rock always tells me - what did we learn? From this, I learned that no relationship is ever wasted. We can always learn from it and grow from it. I learned that not everyone is J and not everyone is going to do what he did. I learned that I need to stop building walls so tall that I can't see what is right in front of me. And, I learned that I'm tired and lonely and spent.

Now to the cancer. Nana has stage three cancer and it is very fast-moving and aggressive. She starts a very strong chemo on Monday. She will lose her hair immediately. She will be sick and tired. Now, I know she is going to read this. When I talk to her and I am with her I am strong. When I'm alone, I am not strong. So, Nana when you read this - just know it's my feelings and emotions right now - but we are going to fight like hell. My mom is the only person who has never left me. Ever. I can't lose my mom. Period. She is the one who has picked me up and cupped my face in her hands and told me it's all going to be okay. And, it has been. Now, it's time to show her that everything is going to be okay.

What I know: my mom has the most amazing husband. As I drove from Kohl's to Ogden this morning in tears, I thanked Heavenly Father that my family members are not alone. My mom has a wonderful husband. My dad has a wonderful wife. Both of my brothers have wonderful spouses. Pops is taking great care of Nana and I am so thankful. My mom is a fighter. I get my feisty and tenacious personality from her. She will not quit. She will fight and we will all fight with her. My mom is beautiful. One of my earliest thoughts of my mother is that I always found her to be absolutely stunning. Hair or no hair, my mom will always be beautiful. We will carry her for as long as she cannot walk on her own. We are going to fight like hell.

What else do I know? I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm really lonely. My boys and I have been through a lot and I have done everything in my power for the last year, three years, ten years, 17 years to be strong, to pick myself up and move forward, to have hope and faith. This was sort of the last straw for me, in a way. I am struggling right now to find strength. I am weak today. I am tired today. I am scared today. I am sad today. I feel really lonely. The loneliness is not like I am alone - I am constantly surrounded with love and friends and family and co-workers who lift me up with their love and their faith and their joy. I just feel sad that I don't have companionship. That's all. The end.

My Sweet Becca

Please meet my Becca. Becca worked with eLearning for years, then she had this crazy desire to be a mommy. :) She is mommy to Evan, Bradley, Leah Grace, and Ezekiel. Evan is 3, Bradley is 2, Leah Grace is in God's arms right now, and Ezekiel is two weeks old! Two weeks ago, Becca was 29 weeks pregnant with Zeke when she was taken to the emergency room by her husband. Becca had fainted four times in three days and had been showing some signs of forgetfulness and lacking emotion. After tests, it was discovered that Becca had an enormous brain tumor. Zeke was taken by c-section, and portions of the cancer were removed from her brain concurrently. The amount of cancer that was taken from her brain is about the size of her husband's fist. It is an aggressive cancer. At that time, Becca was given 12-18 months to live. That prognosis has been upgraded, thankfully, since then, however Becca will still die from this cancer. Zeke is doing amazing. If you don't believe in miracles, you will now. Zeke is on room air. He has an NG tube, currently, but the next three weeks he will be taught to suck, then suck and swallow. His brain is clear of brain bleeds, and his natural heart murmur is expected to close on its own. Zeke has no chance of having had the cancer spread to him, as the cancer is considered intrinsic,or contained to one area. Becca is home. She is never alone. Her husband is on leave until at least the middle of April. Grandparents are helping with Evan and Bradley. She is taken to be with Zeke every morning. Becca will begin chemo and radiation concurrently in two weeks. This will be a one year process. This buys Becca more time, and hopefully keeps the cancer at bay for a while. My Becca is beautiful, smart, fun, kind, compassionate, infectious with her happiness and faith. She is upbeat always. She believes that she is a daughter of God. I do as well. She believes in miracles, and is completely aware that she is witnessing them in her own life. I do as well. If you have a few extra prayers, send them her way. She has quite a difficult path ahead of her, as do her family members. I love you, my sweet Becca.