Honesty

Last Saturday, I had the honor of sitting with my sweet friend, Kristin, at a wrestling tournament. I needed her terribly badly that day. As we talked, she introduced me to a website and a book, "Say What You Need to Say," by Holly Bowerman. I STRONGLY recommend this book. If you'd like to borrow my copy, let me know! I'll send it right over! It's worth the read, and worth the lessons that can be learned from it.

Today, I want to blog about what she said about honesty.

"There is no truth I can't handle, but dishonesty destroys and hurts like nothing else I have ever experienced."

There have been so many times in my life when I felt like I was living a lie. Some of those have been because of my own choices and others were because of others' choices. My first committed relationship - after 10 months, I learned that this person was not at all the person he had told everyone he was. Awesome. So, in my mind, my life was a complete lie for 10 months. I didn't know how to recover from that. My first marriage, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I had marks on my body long before I said, "I do." I just didn't think I deserved any better. (I hate the word deserved) I defined myself as someone else's used garbage. I had to take what I could get. The marriage was exactly what I knew it would be, except that my children were being hurt too. My second marriage, I fully believed I was making the right decision. I went through months of therapy and I was "good." Hardly. I had done everything to hurt myself. I had given my body to anyone who wanted it. I drank away my fears, anger, sadness, depression, feelings of failure. I was living my own lie. So, when I got married and later realized that he had been sleeping with my "best friend" for the entire relationship, I once again realized that the entire time frame was a lie. He wasn't at all what he was supposed to be. I was living a life that I thought was one thing, yet it was none of that. So, why not get married a third time?!?! There have been huge hurdles in my current marriage, some that have seemed insurmountable and like there was no way to survive. We are still working at it, but honesty has to be paramount. I finally believe that I CAN handle the truth. I WANT the truth. Tell me exactly what is happening so that I am not living a lie. Nothing destroys or hurts like lies. I can handle it. Give me the option of making decisions based on facts. Let me make educated decisions for myself and my children.

I am stronger than you think I am.

Krista Nicole

Last night, Josh and I were at InstaCare until about 10:30. He has been having some health issues that needed to be checked. We went to a different InstaCare than we would normally go to. We were told to go to this location just in case they needed to do a CT or ultrasound - which they did. We arrived at about 8 pm. Just behind us was a young girl, her young husband, and a very sweet service dog. I knew exactly why she was there, even before she told the receptionist her reason for needing to see a doctor. My heart broke for her.

As Josh and I sat and waited, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I watched as she cried uncontrollably. Her sweet husband rubbed her back as she cupped her tear-soaked face in her hands. Her service dog kissed her every chance he got. Finally, I couldn't sit still any longer. I took my coat off, walked up to where they were sitting, cleared off the chair next to her and sat down. She didn't see me. Her face was covered by her hands. I whispered, "Hi." She responded with a tearful "hi." I said, "My name is Heidi, what is your name?" She responded, "Krista." I said, "Hi Krista." Then I said, "I don't know what brought you here tonight, but I know what it's like to be where you are. I was hospitalized a few years ago. I know you're scared and embarrassed and sad and frustrated. I also know that everything will be okay in the end. And, I am so proud of you for coming here on your own. I had to be threatened with police to show up." She sobbed out loud. I asked her if she wanted a hug. She nodded her head, then fell into my arms and cried uncontrollably. I just held her.

I asked her if she had ever been hospitalized. She said she had, about a year ago. I asked her if she thought she needed to go back. She didn't know. All she could do was cry and shake and cry some more. I asked her if she had taken her medicine. She said she had missed a few days. I asked her what medication she was on and she wasn't even able to remember. Her sweet husband pulled it up on her phone. Turns out she has cystic fibrosis on top of her psychological issues. Fun. I asked her to try to remember when she took her medication last. She thought it might have been a week ago - she just kept forgetting to take it.

As it was obvious that she was in a constant panic attack, I asked her if she had been taught what to do while she was in the hospital. She said they hadn't and she didn't know what to do to pull out of it. So, together, in the lobby of InstaCare we did our four on - four off breathing. Then we did our body relaxation together. Then we did our visualization. Then we did our breathing again. She was not calm. I asked her if she wanted to lay down. She did, so I laid her down. It was at that time that Josh and I got called back. I promised I would be back to check on her. We got busy with Josh's exam and I wasn't able to get away.

A nurse walked in after we'd been in our room for a while and said there was a girl at the front desk who wanted to see me. I went out and saw my Krista Nicole. She had been given medication and was feeling a little better - stable at least. She told me she had been praying for me and that I was her angel. I told her to go home and make herself a note to remind her to take her medication this morning. I told her how proud I was of her for getting help. I told her that she was stronger than she thinks she is. I told her she was loved. I reminded her that everything would be okay in the end.

I saw myself in Krista Nicole. I remember so vividly how sick and wounded I was. Krista had me. I had Miss Birdie. I still have Miss Birdie. I was so grateful last night for my time in the hospital, for my compassion for her. I was so grateful that I was well enough last night to lift her and carry her through her trauma. I was so grateful that she let me. I was so grateful for the undeniable truth that we are children of God.

Her sweet husband whispered thank you to me, then "God bless you," as he walked her and their sweet dog out. I winked at him and told him he was doing just fine.

Specialist Appointment

Peanut is so over going to doctors! So is his mama. Yesterday, he and I went to the Urologist. Good times. Poor kid. Good news, though. The infection is gone and surgery is not needed right now. That just might be the best news we have had on anything in a VERY LONG TIME.

Got Teeth?

The boys had dentist appointments on Saturday morning. After eye appointments for Jackson and Colton on Friday, I was not looking forward to this! Colton struggles with appointments. But, the dental hygienist is AMAZING sauce at our dentist office! Her name is Danielle and she is SO good with all of my kids. She hugs him and talks him through everything. She lets him hold the tools. She is so kind and so accommodating. I feel SO lucky and so blessed when I go there. I even let them do my teeth! I hate the dentist, and everything about the dentist. Pretty sure this is the first time in my life when I've gone twice in six months!!

Mommy Martha Time

We usually go to Mommy Martha's for haircuts. We did that last night. Well, Jackson and I did. I took Jackson for a haircut. While I held and kissed Baby Brooklyn, he talked to Mommy Martha about life and girls and dumb girls. She asked him about school and everything else. They talked and I loved on the baby. When they were done, he went in the other room and laid on her couch and looked at his phone. I asked him if he was ready to go and he said, "Not yet." So, I put the baby on the air hockey table and loved on her some more. Then he was ready to go. He just needed Mommy Martha time, I realized. And, I did too.

Hump Daaaaayyyyyy

This morning, Braxton and Kaydon came with me to drop Jackson off at school. Then, we had some time before their eye appointments so we went to Einstein Bagels so they could try the amazing strawberry banana smoothies. They are SO good, but you must request whipped cream. Why wouldn't you?? Anywho, then it was off to the eye doctor - which we couldn't find. We literally drove in circles for almost 30 minutes. I'm not very bright.

Once there, we signed in then my 13 and 14 year old boys proceeded to go into the little door and play with the Legos. I was not at all surprised. The others in the waiting room may or may not have been... I love my boys. Anywho, Braxton has great eye sight. Kaydon, not so much. Glasses are on their way. Hopefully he won't break this pair.

I informed the doctors and nurses we would be back on Friday. They may or may not have seemed excited about that. One down, one to go... then to the specialist for Braxton on Monday. Good times!

Sweet Braxton

Sometimes I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes it's harder to remember that than others.

Saturday morning, Braxton woke me up and told me that he had a lump and pain in this groin area. He said he needed to see a doctor. Josh was at wrestling practice, so I got ready and we headed to InstaCare. Once there, and having waited for a half hour or so, they came out and told us that we needed to go to the emergency room. I called Josh, who was just pulling in to InstaCare, and told him we needed to head to the hospital. Off we went to Davis Hospital. The ER was relatively slow, or at least it seemed that way. The doctors and nurses came in and looked at Braxton (with Mom out of the room) and then did some ultra sounds. It was found that he has an infection, and some other problems that must be looked at by a Urologist.

Braxton had some issues when he was an infant. He has had two operations for these issues. We thought everything was taken care of, and under control. Poor kid isn't quite done with trials. We will be getting into a Urologist as soon as possible. Unfortunately, or fortunately, this doesn't have anything to do with his other health problems. Those also need to be resolved as soon as possible.

Prayers for my Peanut.