Our Year of Trial and Triumph

January brought lots of change to our home. February, Braxton tried to die on us and we would not stand for that! March was Nana's birthday and we started our Temple fun with the Logan Temple. April was loaded with date nights and love. May was Mother's Day -- one of the best days of the year. June was my birthday month and my boys never disappoint. We moved to Layton and began our journey there. Lagoon season passes were just what we needed for good weekend breaks. July was the Nef Reunion. Auntie and Uncle were here and I found a baby! August was birthday month for my studs and the beginning of school - at a new school for the three youngest. Oh, they are so brave. September was Colton's first school dance. October was Halloween and lots of candy. November was Thanksgiving and Black Friday for this Mama. December has been Christmas and the beginning of counseling for my babes. In there were three moves for the boys and I, a cancer diagnosis for the Nana, new schools for the boys, doctor appointments for Braxton's recovery, lots of tears, lots of laughs, and more blessings than I can count.

2016 was a year full of trials. It was also a year full of triumphs. We are so blessed. I love my boys more than words can express. We are choosing joy on this journey, and because of you it is much easier to do so.

Meet P

Meet P. P is my boss at OC, although we can all agree on who the boss really is. In fact, all new hires get introduced to me as the "boss lady." They are also introduced to the manner of how Boss Lady is treated around these parts. One of our brand new guys was waiting by the door when I arrived one day last week. He held the door open for me. When I came in, I looked around the corner into the sewer office. Sure enough, the whole sewer crew was standing there smiling. They were teaching him well.

P had surgery on the 11th. He was gone for almost two weeks. I actually missed him - which is saying a lot since we usually bicker and tease and irritate one another. However, on Tuesday he was back to his old form. He would not stop shooting rubber bands at me. I was losing my patience quickly. I was trying to have a professional phone conversation and rubber bands kept flying by my head. He thought it was the best time ever. I did not.

Meet P.

Christmas Day

Christmas morning was perfect. The boys received everything they needed. They were full of smiles and joy. That made it perfect.

I took a four hour nap after I made some cinnamon rolls for the yahoos. When I woke up, we headed to Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie's in the snow. Jackson is such a great driver in the snow and I was so thankful! We played the saran wrap game and ate some yummy food. AND, we loved on the Nana which is my favorite activity of all time!

We were so blessed this year. So blessed. I am so thankful for this Christmas. It's the first time I've done Christmas by myself as a single mom. In the past, I've had my mom and dad or a partner. This was our first year just us and it was perfect.

Christmas Eve with Bert

Our sweet Bert invited us for Christmas Eve dinner. We walked to his house in the beautiful falling snow. It was so pretty! We met his son, his son's wife, and three of their children there. We ate a yummy dinner and Kaydon took us on a tour of his home. His home is full of antiques. It is something to behold! It's beautiful. We played a couple of games before Colton was more than ready to head home. The three older boys stayed for a few more hours while Colton and I walked home in the dark, amidst the falling snow. It was so beautiful.

I am so thankful for Bert. He has healed Kaydon's heart in so many ways. And I believe Kaydon has done the same for him. It was a perfect Christmas Eve. I feel like we didn't mind to any of our traditions. I forgot to get the boys their annual Christmas tree ornament. In the moves, we seem to have lost most of them anyways. I had pajama bottoms for them, but couldn't remember which present they were. So, they opened them Christmas morning. We didn't take any neighbor treats around. I felt like a failure for a moment. Then, I realized it's all going to be okay.

A Very Merry Christmas

These amazing warriors and I wish you a very Merry Christmas. I will be working at Kohl's on Friday and Monday. Saturday and Sunday will be me being a mama with the four loves of my life. What could be better? We will talk about our blessings, those who work as instruments in God's hands to bless us, those who we love, and what we will do better this upcoming year. I will tell them everything I love about each one of them. I will smile so big as I watch them open gifts that are from all of these people who carry us everyday. I will remind them that our greatest gift is the Gospel and each other.

Right in Front of Me

Rock says to me often to stop looking beyond what is right in front of me. I told him yesterday that I just can't seem to find peace, that I have this constant heavy chest and I feel the weight of the world crushing me. If I have any talents, my greatest talent is seeking out the storms. I am a pretty amazing storm-chaser. I just love seeking out the storms - the big ones - the ones that kill dreams and shatter hearts. Trophy, please!

Last night, I went to the gym and worked my trash off. Then I thanked Heavenly Father for a strong body. When I got home, Jackson had waited for me to take Brothers to get Subway with our gift cards. Braxton was with Blake and Cole, but the three boys and I went. I looked at them and realized that all I need is right in front of me. My babies. My family. My co-workers. My amazing friends. The Gospel. I have it all already. I don't need approval from anyone or anything. I already have it from my Father in Heaven.

Rock and B-money made this frame for Colton from his Santa breakfast. That smile, though. And, date night. Oh, how I love date nights with my boys. They are funny, kind, generous, a little wild, and my everything.

Chaos

Gosh, I am struggling. I feel so unsettled, so chaotic. I feel unstable. I feel it not only emotionally and mentally and spiritually, but I also feel it physically. It's a constant battle between my heart and my mind. I feel literal pain, literal discomfort. My mind and my heart are never settled. It's like a little war going on inside of me and both sides are putting forth all of their toughest men and women, all of their largest battle weapons, and all of their time and energy to win for their team. What they have forgotten is that they are all on the same team - Team Heidi. At least they ought to be. But they aren't seeing it that way.

And then there is my environment, my surroundings. J is putting forth a full-waged war. He is not giving up, although I believe that happened the day our "relationship" started. On Saturday night, he called me 41 times in one hour. Crippling. The papers have been sent in again. Although, it is still a process. It's been a debilitating process, one that has taken every ounce of water left in my well - physically and emotionally and spiritually. Why is this so necessary? Why must the hurt continue? Why must the instability dominate?

Rock reminds me often that I am in control, that I make the choices. It doesn't feel like that is the case, though. I don't feel strong enough to do that. I don't feel like my feet are planted firmly enough to do that. I feel completely off-balance.

This morning on my way to work after a long night at the other work, I thought about the fact that we haven't watched one Christmas movie together. We haven't driven to see lights. We haven't made any homemade caramel corn. We have not done any service projects. We have just gone through the motions of this life - working, school, cleaning the house. It's all mundane. It's all necessary. It's all hard.

I am in a realm that is so unnerving. Dating is so hard. I sabotage every possible opportunity. I am so positive that I am going to be hurt, so I make that known and get out. Even if I haven't yet been hurt. Even if everything appears fine. I treat them like yo-yo's. Perhaps because that's how I have always been treated. I am not sure. But it's hard.

Last night I laid in bed and cried. Not sure of the exact reason. Maybe I am tired. Maybe I am stressed. Maybe I feel stretched thin. Maybe I am not doing everything in my power to have the Spirit with me at all times. I am sure that one is positively true. I must do better today than I did yesterday.

My sweet boys are amazing. Have I told you that lately? They are incredible species. They are so full of everything wonderful in this world. Oh, how I love them. Oh, how I smile just thinking about them. They are beautiful, funny, creative creatures. I don't want to do wrong by them.

Are we blessed? No question. Are we loved? I know that we are. I desire foundation, stability, and peace. I so desire for this chest pain to go away forever. It is a constant reminder that things are in turmoil and I can't find my comfortable spot inside of my mind and my heart. I am ready for them to make peace one with the other. Maybe today.