Normals

Change happens.

It sucks sometimes.

But, it happens.

P died.

Rock retired.

New manager.

The division split.

No more Monte.

Jaker retired.

A lot at work has changed in the last two years.

I had a stroke.

I have post-stroke days and endless appointments and four kids.

But, there are still normals.

Rock's GF, Chris, makes THE world's best zucchini bread.

She made ME a few mini loaves and sent Rock with instructions.

I had to share three of them with the office and the rest were for the boys and I.

I may or may not have eaten three loaves by my dang self so far.

Rock sat in my office with the smell of goodness from this bread.

I got a big Rock hug.

We gossiped.

We laughed.

We talked about Colton. (Uncle Ernie is his favorite!!!)

And it felt normal for a minute.

Field Trips

There were days when P would tell me that we were going on a field trip.

I'd hop into the truck.

He'd usually play a General Conference talk on his iPad and we'd drive.

We'd check on different projects that our crews were doing.

We would sometimes take the crews water.

We would sometimes go to Farr's to get ice cream (like once a year).

I pretty much lived for these field trips.

I always felt like it was a day off.

Apparently, today I was a bit off.

Okay, maybe the entire week I have been off.

Mr. Watkins came into my office and announced we were going on a field trip.

Heidi IN!

First, we went to Burger King. 

They may or may not have sat and watched me eat a double patty with cheese and bacon with no bun.

They may or may not have ripped all of the sharp edges off of my fries.

I was in Burger King bliss.

For real.

Then we went on the hunt for coolers.

The semi-annual softball/lunch is next Tuesday and we needed coolers.

We found the perfect ones! 

Thank you, Walmart.

Then we went to pick up a tap and oil.

I would describe these but I really have no idea what they are for... the mill??

Then we came back to the office.

I felt like a new person.

And, I felt like P was smiling down on us...

Especially his guys for taking care of Sis!

Tender Mercies from The Other Side

July 26, 2017 was a day that changed my life... and the lives of so many people. It's the day P went to the other side of the veil.

December 7th was his birthday and December 10th I had a stroke. I, and the doctors, did not believe that was just a coincidence.

July 24, 2018, P and his beautiful bride were honored at the Ogden Pioneer Days Rodeo. July 26th, my boys and I fixed breakfast for all of my guys because it's what P would have wanted. I needed it, too.

Yesterday, August 2nd, 2018, I was given a most tender of mercies.

Xavier had a lady at his window. I have an open window from my office out to his desk. I could see the lady standing there, looking at me. I didn't know her. X came in and told me that it was P's sister and that she wanted to talk to me. Again, I'd never met her. What could this be about? She came back, asked if I was Heidi and then hugged me. I invited her to sit down. She talked about how she couldn't believe she was in my office and that I was going to think that she was crazy and that she didn't want me to think she was crazy and that she had even pulled over on her way to my office and asked P if this was really necessary. I just sat, stunned. Then she proceeded to tell me that P had come to her every single night for two weeks in her dreams... telling her to come talk to me and telling her what to say. At that point, I began to weep. As did she. She told me that P wants me to know that he loves me and my boys. She told me that P said to tell me not to be sad anymore because he and Sarah are golden... doing so good. He told her to tell me that he knows I'm mad at him, but it's okay. Even if he wouldn't have gotten into that airplane that morning, he would have been taken. It was his time and it was okay and he was ready. Then, he told her to tell me that he can do SO much more for my boys and I from where he is than he could ever do for us while he was here. I just wept. I told her that the last part was what I needed to hear... I needed to hear him say that he can do so much more for us from where he is at than he could do here. That is what I have struggled with... feeling like I need him HERE and NOW. I thanked her. I told her I believed her and trusted her. She reminded me, through tears, that these were not at all her words, but his. She thanked me for being receptive. I thanked her for following her promptings. She told me that she just needs him to leave her alone!! I giggled at that. I told her how much I love him and how much I miss him. I told her that I have been mad, but that now I understand. I told her about how he was there, in the circle, when two of my boys were set apart to different levels of the Aaronic Priesthood last August. She told me that she knew because he had told her. I told her how much I miss him. She told me how much she misses him. We talked about his children and the tender mercies that are with them every single day. We cried some more. I asked her to stop in whenever she has a chance because she has his eyes and it was such a blessing for me to be able to look at his eyes for a half hour and know, because the Spirit bore an undoubtable witness to me, that it was all true.

As she left, she told me that the last thing he wants me to know is that he is ALWAYS with us. ALWAYS. He doesn't leave the boys and I, just like he never leaves his children or family members.

What a blessing to know... to really KNOW... that this life is not just to be born and die. There was life before this. There is life after this. There is purpose to all of it. The veil is so thin. SO thin. Heavenly Father blesses us with angels seen and unseen, heard and unheard. I have no doubt that there are angels who are preparing the way for my Jackson and his mission. There are angels who are meeting on each of our behalf's each and every morning. We are never alone. We are never without. We are so, immensely blessed.

One Year

One year ago today, at about this time, P came in to my office in shorts and a t-shirt. He was giddy. The rodeo was over and he and his bride, with their best friends, were on their way to Island Park for a few days. They were flying up to have some adult time. The kids were driving up to meet them on Friday. I asked him, again, not to get on the plane. I just knew something bad was going to happen. I didn't think they were going to die, I just didn't feel good about it. At all. He was being silly. He made a shirt out of a plastic bag and had me put it on. Then he got his iPad out to video record me. I flipped him off. I am pretty sure that this is the last image on that iPad. Whoops.

We joked around for a while... he, Monte, Bill and I. He was so stinking excited to have the rodeo over with and he was so looking forward to the week with Sarah. He loved that woman with every ounce of his soul. She was so perfect with him. There was not a person on this planet who did not love Sarah. Looking back, P had been taking care of everything... and I'm not sure that he even knew why. But, everything was "in order." He knew. He followed inspiration better than anyone I know. He had written letters to each of his four kids. They will live the rest of their lives on this Earth knowing that their dad loved them.

Before he left the office, he said, "Okay, Heidi Ray. See you Monday! Love ya!" And that was it. That was the last time I would see him on this Earth. Within 15 or 20 minutes, Monte called me and asked if I had heard about the plane crash. I told him that was not a funny joke. He told me he'd be right to me. I knew then. I knew then that my P was gone. It wasn't until about an hour and a half after the crash that the email was sent out to the city employees, but I knew. I don't remember anything after that. I have been told that I lost my mind. I screamed and screamed. I cried and could not be consoled. A plan was put in place to get me home. The freeway was closed. And the guys wanted me no where near the freeway. Ernie was assigned to come right to me. My door was closed and only certain people were allowed in. Jimi was here. Bill came in and out. Kay and X came in and out. I was not in my right mind, I am sure. When a plan was finally in place to get me home to my children, I was escorted out of my office and in the hallway on that day, in that moment was every single one of my guys. Wanting to hug me and comfort me and needing comfort and hugs themselves. It took hours and hours to get home. Hours. I thought to myself that day, "I guarantee that no one in these cars next to us has any idea what kind of moments we were having." And I promised myself that day that I would work hard on not judging others.

I got home. My boys came out and Kay and I told them that our P was gone. They each mourned in their own way. Some broke down right out front and dropped to their knees in tears. Kaydon went to be by himself. Colton asked a whole lot of questions that I could not answer. I asked them to not get on to any news sights and to be aware of social media comments, where trolls would be making ignorant comments about our P. We prayed together and tried to love a little more. The next week, or so, is a blur.

This morning, two of my boys and I got up early (EARLY) and met Mr. Watkins, Beyta, Kay and X at the shop to make breakfast for the guys. It's what P would have wanted. He always wanted to share. He always wanted to serve. He did it everyday without people having any idea. It was a beautiful way to honor him today. Lots of hugs today. Lots of tears today. Lots of smiles today, remembering this man who was bigger than life. For one year, Kay has saved the "disco ball" that hung in his office from his 40th birthday. Today, the three of us hung it in my office. It was emotional, but right. It will hang from the ceiling with the two pinatas he hung for my birthdays.

P, we did good.

The Rodeo's Riderless Horse

We headed to the Rodeo last night. My guys took great care of us! They had two parking spots all ready for us. They let us in the back gates so that we could love on Rock. He graduated from the City last night after his final Rodeo. 38 years! Then we headed to our amazing seats and waited in the HOT weather. We watched the bucking broncos (how do they not break their necks?), the steer wrestling MMA thing (how do they not break their necks?), the calf roping thing (no one could get them roped, thank goodness!), the mutten bustin (nothing on this planet cuter), and the riding on a horse while shooting balloons activity.

The skydivers were amazing and respectful. P always hated the skydiving part. He just always felt like there was way too much room for error.

The tribute to P was so beautiful and so hard. The announcer introduced the kids, P's parents and Sarah's parents, who were out in the arena. Pictures flashed up on the big screen while music played. Then, the announcer began to speak about the riderless horse. My sweet Braxton stood up and removed his hat. My other boys and I followed. Tears flowed freely. We all held hands and witnessed the riderless horse ride very slowly through the center of the arena. As I said, it was beautiful and very hard. At the end of the ceremony, everyone else in the sold-out arena joined my family of five and stood to honor our P.

I am so thankful to the Ogden City Pioneer Days Committee for a beautiful tribute. I am so thankful that his amazing kids were there. Caden is still on his mission, but was there in spirit for sure!

Dream Team

When P was alive, he was my protector. He was my human diary. He was my big brother. He was my guider and director and speak-straighter. He would put me in my place when I needed it and would allow me to do the same with him. When that airplane crashed, I lost far more than my boss.

He had trained the guys right, though. Everyone picked up their own "duty" when it came to me. For months, the guys would take turns following me home to make sure I got home safely in the stick shift. For months and months, Rock would text me every morning and every night. For months, the guys would take turns eating lunch with me to make sure I ate. They have always been very protective, but they each picked up the slack from P being gone.

In particular, Mr. Watkins took the reigns. He and P were very close and I have always trusted him. He has been my P since I lost my P. This morning, we had interviews to go do. The dream team. Mr. Watkins, Beyta and Heidi Ray. Afterwards, they took me to lunch. At 10:15 a.m. Better believe I had a FAT bacon cheeseburger and a full dose of fries. I've been nibbling on crackers ever since with a slight stomach ache... judgement free zone!

P, thank you for making sure I'd be taken care before you got in that airplane. You never missed a single detail. I miss you. Every single day.

Make a Difference Day

I woke up this morning and I cried.

I realized that today was Make a Difference Day. Each year up to now, this was me and Perry's day. We left the office at 8 am with the truck and trailer and headed out for the day. Our job was to support all of the activities going on around the City. We would take water and soda to all of the volunteers. We would take supplies to each activity. We would get out and mingle with volunteers and City employees. It was also the ONE day a year that he would buy me ice cream, tell me to shut up and stop asking for things, and then tell me that this one cup of ice cream was to cover every possible holiday for the rest of the year!

It would be different this year and it was hurting my heart. Sometimes, I'm not quite prepared for these emotions that pop up.

But, today ended up being a great day. I am exhausted. We weeded tree grates and the front of our building. We had a great lunch with the crews. I got into a big machine and moved two big boulders ALL BY MYSELF. I was SO big! I laughed and smiled and knew that he was close by and proud of us. I knew that it was okay to have a great day without him here because he was still close. I knew that I was still surrounded by all of these people who love us so much! We totally made a difference!

Happy Birthday, P!

As you know, birthdays are a pretty BIG deal with this girl! I LOVE birthdays... especially my own! P always spoiled me on my birthday, as you know. Today is P's earthly birthday. He'd be old. Very old.

I've been a bit worried and anxious about this day. I've been a bit emotional in anticipation of what today would bring. I've been more guarded and had a pep talk with myself this morning: "Keep your shiz together, Heidi Ray. Keep your shiz together, Heidi Ray." Monte came in this morning and asked me how I was. Probably don't do that!

Mr. Watkins came in right at 8 and told me to go get in his truck. He and Beyta and I went and got breakfast burritos from Heaven. For real! I don't need to need again until like Sunday night!

For lunch, X, KayKay, Abbs, Monte and I went to Farr's. That place holds a very special spot in my heart. Twice a year, P would take me to get ice cream. He'd always get licorice and fire stick. So gross! He'd eat it in two swallows and I'd make fun of him. We sat and laughed and laughed. It was perfect!

I love these people I work with. I love that they love him. I love that he loves them. I love that today is a good, good day. I love that we can still celebrate him in ways that make us smile. I love that I still feel him close by on days that are good and days that are hard.

Happy birthday, P! I hope you, Sarah, Lane, and Diana are having a Heavenly party with ice cream!!

Single Mom Gig - Life Happening

The weekend was really, really wonderful. Mostly, Randy and I talked. A lot. And cried. And laughed. But, mostly we talked and learned. He already knows most of my insecurities and is learning, and teaching me, why I have them. One is my dad. One is P. One is assumptions. One is perceptions. One is lack of trust. (obvious) One is fear. We talked about all of them. We talked about MacKenzie, Colton, Zack, Jackson, Braxton, Kaydon and Colton. We talked about Asher and Anson... and how one day I'll be their favorite again! We talked about growth, mistakes, regrets, and experiences.

On the way home, he asked me about my dad and our relationship. He asked me why he hadn't met my dad yet. I started to open up about my feelings, and then just kept going and going. I cried. He listened. In the end, I decided to write my dad a letter... which I did yesterday. I wrote it with no expectation of anything in return. I got a response ( a couple of them), but none of it hurt me. None of it shaped any form of opinion on my end. I decided on the way home from our weekend that I was going to love my dad, just as he is... not as he used to be. Not as I feel he should be (who am I to make that decision anyway!). Just as he is now. I felt so much comfort after doing that and am excited, even elated, to move forward with a new way of thinking and with no more sadness or hurt or confusion. Just love.

As we got to Bountiful, I looked up at one of the digital freeway signs. For some reason, all I saw was "I15" and "Perry." I lost my mind. I started to sob. I wept. I asked Randy what the other words said, concerned that they said something about an accident. He continued to tell me that they simply said, "Love you Sis. I'm right here, P." I still don't know what the other words said, but I know that I did not expect to react the way I did. Randy asked me if I had written P a letter. I read him the letters I had on my blog. I realized at that moment it wasn't enough.

Yesterday, I spent my lunch break with P and Sarah (at least their dead bodies) at he Cemetery. I talked. I prayed. I cried. I laughed. I read my scriptures. I just was there. I felt so much peace. I felt so much strength. I felt so much that I needed that and that it's all okay. They have such a beautiful burial spot for their bodies. The view is extraordinary, even if it is under a pine tree (he hated pine trees!).

Today, I got a surprise. They are exquisite. The picture does not do these flowers any justice! They are unbelievably stunning. Even X-man is like, "Damn!!!" I love my X-man!

I am so grateful that life is happening and that I am learning and growing. Both with counseling and with life itself. I made myself a word board. Each week, I focus on one of those words. This week is "assumptions." It's about not saying, "I know..." when it comes to someone else's feelings. It's about not assuming that I know anything about anyone else. It's about being willing to ask. It's about being willing to stop myself for a moment and simply assume the best and most out of everyone. It's about not judging. Others or myself. It's about being open to people and their stories. It's pretty wonderful, really.

I Needed It

I took Friday off. I needed it. I needed to clean my house, open the windows for fresh air, read the books my counselor recommended, and workout at my own pace. It turns out, Carrie needed some help with the babies and I needed them. I checked Kaydon and Colton out of school after lunch and we went to the babies. We loved on them. We went to Farmington Station again and watched the fountains. We walked around, got a Fiiz, and then headed back to put the babes down for naps. Their mama was home by then. I can't express in words how much I love those babies. And, those babies love their cousins so much. So much.

Saturday, I worked out and ran errands. Then, I watched as my boys left to go to the Lantern Festival. I was home. Alone. Usually, I love that. Saturday, it was tough. I cried... and let myself cry. Then, for the 20th time that day, got on my knees and pleaded for peace, comfort and contentment. I pleaded to have faith in my Heavenly Father's will for me. I watched the morning and afternoon session of conference, then made blankets for Ogden Regional's NICU. I got myself a shake and went to bed. Meanwhile, the boys sent P a message to heaven.

Sunday, we went to my mom and pop's house. The boys ate. A lot. We watched conference and just talked. I told my mom and pops about counseling. Then, Pops gave me a gift.

I love him so much. He is constantly telling me that I am enough, giving me pointers on how to stay strong emotionally and spiritually, and telling me that I'm loved. He listens so well. He has ADHD and sometimes I wonder if I am more than he can handle. But, when he is in "dad" mode or "grandpa" mode, he is completely focused on us and is able to really hear us and then listen to the Spirit and tell us just what we need to hear. And, he loves my mom more than anything in the world.

I needed that.

Fall Social

Today, we had our Fall Social. I missed my P. But, we had a lot of fun. I love my guys so much!