Single Mom Gig - Multi-tasking Boss

Yesterday I was at work. I am at work five days a week. 50 hours. Jackson and Braxton were working. I would need to pick Jackson up from work on my way home because we have a lot of drivers and two cars - each with almost 200,000 miles on them. I would get home and clean out the dishwasher, load the dishwasher and make my children a warm dinner. I would then put my laundry away, work my business, prepare my clothes and such for the next day and tuck myself into bed after saying personal and family prayers.

While I am at work, Colton is usually home alone. Kaydon spends time with Bert when he isn't home. Colton has done really well this summer, but he is lonely and gets bored. He has done chores like a champ. He takes baths. He goes and cleans up the complex for me. He watches movies and plays games. Yesterday, though... yesterday was a struggle and he was the only one home. He texted me and called me often... while I was at work, mind you. Where I am a supervisor and have people in and out and calling and on the radio and writing contracts and paying bills and dealing with issues... Finally, he called me wanting to make from-scratch brownies. Okay, I thought. Let's do this.

I talked him through the whole thing over the phone. I giggled. I cringed every time he said, "Owie!" I smiled. I shook my head. I listened as he went through the motions of melting the chocolate slowly over the stove, while mixing the other ingredients in a separate bowl. I talked him through mistakes and do-overs. He followed the directions super well, but at times got a bit distracted. He tried to "mix" the batter with an electric gravy stirrer. I heard a few things fall and I heard him burn himself on the oven rack. But, I was at work. And, as a single mom who has three jobs and four teenage boys, one with disabilities, and I am trying to keep it all together so I don't have another stroke and I am constantly juggling in my mind what needs to happen now and next and after that... I do my best to balance it all.

Colton sent me this text:

I got home to a messy kitchen that smelled delightful and where a pan with homemade brownies laid, covered in a clean dish towel, made by my autistic son who just needed his mom for 20 minutes. Somehow, I was able to be there for him, from a distance.

I do it all. And, I'm so thankful.

Three Out of Four

Kaydon finally got his driver's permit. Seventh try was a charm!

I texted this picture to Randy on Saturday. He said, "Yikes." I said, "Rand! He really IS terrifying to drive with!" He responded with, "See above text!!"

Jackson and Braxton were driving when they were 14. We lived out in West Point and they would drive on the country roads and I never thought anything of it. Jackson is an excellent driver... like a 10/10. Braxton is not a 10/10. He is fast and adventurous and fast... really fast. He is like a 6/10. Kaydon is just plain scary. I'll leave it at that. Scary!

Three out of four boys are now driving in our house. And, August is on Wednesday which means it's the boys' birthday month. Colton is first up on Saturday!!

Friday Favorites - Braxton's Art

Braxton has been drawing again for a few months. I love when he draws. It's his thing. He excels at it. I love that he has his very own style. It's totally him. He always draws with a purpose. He is so talented. Drawing and creating makes him happy. It helps him to express himself. I think he's pretty awesome... but knowing that he thinks he's pretty awesome at something in this very hard world... is pretty awesome.

One Year

One year ago today, at about this time, P came in to my office in shorts and a t-shirt. He was giddy. The rodeo was over and he and his bride, with their best friends, were on their way to Island Park for a few days. They were flying up to have some adult time. The kids were driving up to meet them on Friday. I asked him, again, not to get on the plane. I just knew something bad was going to happen. I didn't think they were going to die, I just didn't feel good about it. At all. He was being silly. He made a shirt out of a plastic bag and had me put it on. Then he got his iPad out to video record me. I flipped him off. I am pretty sure that this is the last image on that iPad. Whoops.

We joked around for a while... he, Monte, Bill and I. He was so stinking excited to have the rodeo over with and he was so looking forward to the week with Sarah. He loved that woman with every ounce of his soul. She was so perfect with him. There was not a person on this planet who did not love Sarah. Looking back, P had been taking care of everything... and I'm not sure that he even knew why. But, everything was "in order." He knew. He followed inspiration better than anyone I know. He had written letters to each of his four kids. They will live the rest of their lives on this Earth knowing that their dad loved them.

Before he left the office, he said, "Okay, Heidi Ray. See you Monday! Love ya!" And that was it. That was the last time I would see him on this Earth. Within 15 or 20 minutes, Monte called me and asked if I had heard about the plane crash. I told him that was not a funny joke. He told me he'd be right to me. I knew then. I knew then that my P was gone. It wasn't until about an hour and a half after the crash that the email was sent out to the city employees, but I knew. I don't remember anything after that. I have been told that I lost my mind. I screamed and screamed. I cried and could not be consoled. A plan was put in place to get me home. The freeway was closed. And the guys wanted me no where near the freeway. Ernie was assigned to come right to me. My door was closed and only certain people were allowed in. Jimi was here. Bill came in and out. Kay and X came in and out. I was not in my right mind, I am sure. When a plan was finally in place to get me home to my children, I was escorted out of my office and in the hallway on that day, in that moment was every single one of my guys. Wanting to hug me and comfort me and needing comfort and hugs themselves. It took hours and hours to get home. Hours. I thought to myself that day, "I guarantee that no one in these cars next to us has any idea what kind of moments we were having." And I promised myself that day that I would work hard on not judging others.

I got home. My boys came out and Kay and I told them that our P was gone. They each mourned in their own way. Some broke down right out front and dropped to their knees in tears. Kaydon went to be by himself. Colton asked a whole lot of questions that I could not answer. I asked them to not get on to any news sights and to be aware of social media comments, where trolls would be making ignorant comments about our P. We prayed together and tried to love a little more. The next week, or so, is a blur.

This morning, two of my boys and I got up early (EARLY) and met Mr. Watkins, Beyta, Kay and X at the shop to make breakfast for the guys. It's what P would have wanted. He always wanted to share. He always wanted to serve. He did it everyday without people having any idea. It was a beautiful way to honor him today. Lots of hugs today. Lots of tears today. Lots of smiles today, remembering this man who was bigger than life. For one year, Kay has saved the "disco ball" that hung in his office from his 40th birthday. Today, the three of us hung it in my office. It was emotional, but right. It will hang from the ceiling with the two pinatas he hung for my birthdays.

P, we did good.

The Rodeo's Riderless Horse

We headed to the Rodeo last night. My guys took great care of us! They had two parking spots all ready for us. They let us in the back gates so that we could love on Rock. He graduated from the City last night after his final Rodeo. 38 years! Then we headed to our amazing seats and waited in the HOT weather. We watched the bucking broncos (how do they not break their necks?), the steer wrestling MMA thing (how do they not break their necks?), the calf roping thing (no one could get them roped, thank goodness!), the mutten bustin (nothing on this planet cuter), and the riding on a horse while shooting balloons activity.

The skydivers were amazing and respectful. P always hated the skydiving part. He just always felt like there was way too much room for error.

The tribute to P was so beautiful and so hard. The announcer introduced the kids, P's parents and Sarah's parents, who were out in the arena. Pictures flashed up on the big screen while music played. Then, the announcer began to speak about the riderless horse. My sweet Braxton stood up and removed his hat. My other boys and I followed. Tears flowed freely. We all held hands and witnessed the riderless horse ride very slowly through the center of the arena. As I said, it was beautiful and very hard. At the end of the ceremony, everyone else in the sold-out arena joined my family of five and stood to honor our P.

I am so thankful to the Ogden City Pioneer Days Committee for a beautiful tribute. I am so thankful that his amazing kids were there. Caden is still on his mission, but was there in spirit for sure!

Pretty Dang Good Weekend With My Loves!!

Brandon texted me on Friday, asking if I'd watch the babies on Saturday. Silly question!! Then, he sent me these text messages!

Friday, my Randy surprised me and stopped by my work. I was so freaking excited to see his face that I forgot to take a picture. But, he was there and I was grinning from ear to ear! It is always so good to see him and get a Rand hug.

Friday night, Colton and I went on a date. Colton has been the lone ranger at home for most of the summer. Jackson and Braxton are working full-time hours and Kaydon has been at scout camps. Colton just wanted some mommy time and he got it!

Then, Saturday morning Colton and I went and spent a few hours with the babes. Oh my goodness, they are getting SO big! They both wanted A LOT of Auntie attention. I wish I could download the videos that Colton took. It was a rough go there for a minute or 10! I would shove food in Anson's face, then pick up Asher (who was crawling on me) and spin him around, then run back and shove food in Anson's face and repeat and repeat and repeat. Auntie was TIRED!

Kaydon got home from scout camp safely. No mission call yet, but we are praying for patience! I took a lot of naps this weekend, one of which went right through church. Ooooops!

Friday - I Made It!

Some weeks, Fridays seem much harder to get to. Like, I cannot see the end of a long and tough week in sight. And then, before I know it - Friday is here and I feel a weight lifted off of my shoulders! I feel like I can do nine more hours and get myself to the weekend in order to refresh and rejuvenate. I went to the gym this morning, as I do every morning. I felt like my body was tired. I struggled on my last 5-8 squats on each set. It wasn't my legs that were struggling as much as my mind. So, I gave myself a pep talk and drove right through the remaining. Then came leg presses. My body didn't want to complete like the last 10 of every set! Another pep talk and I completed them. I made it through every rep of every set and then I went home. I did it.

As chaotic and crazy and mind-boggling as my days can be, Carrie will send me these pictures of the babies and my heart is full. I take a deep, cleansing breath and remember the love that we are constantly surrounded by. They are seriously pure freaking joy!

My Kaydon will be home today or tomorrow. I can't wait to hear about his adventures!

We are still waiting on Jackson's mission call. He is very anxious to receive it, but we talked last night and we are grateful it hasn't come while Randy and Kaydon are gone. I know this for a fact - he will be called to the exact place and people that have been prepared for him. And, he will be nothing short of incredible.

Braxton washed my hair last night with vinegar. Yup! He set up a camping stool in the bathtub. I sat on it in my G's. He climbed in there with me and washed my hair with charcoal, then vinegar. It worked, Guys! It was totally worth the craziness and possible accident-waiting-to-happen!

Colton sleeps through my loud blending of my protein shakes every morning! I don't know how he does it, but he does! That boy is always full of hugs and kisses for his mama. Last night, Ja'Mari took his turn and gave Mama Heidi hugs, too.

We are so blessed. Helllllooooo, Friday! I made it!

These Summer Time Boys

These two boys. Colton and Ja'Mari. Ja'Mari is two years younger than Colton, but has an understanding and patience for Colton that I wish everyone had! Colton has been home by himself a lot this summer. Jackson and Braxton work almost everyday. I, of course, work everyday. Kaydon has spent time with Bert and has been at scout camp all week. Colton doesn't complain, other than asking me if I can stay home to hang out with him. The stroke took all of my vacation and sick leave hours. I so wish I could stay home with him for a day... but I just can't.

These two are in the house almost everyday when I get home. They do chores around the house and then patiently wait for me to get home to make dinner. Last night it was French Toast. Even Sariah had a piece! That sweet girl comes to my car door everyday when I get home and also asks me if I can take the next day off so that we can all go swimming. I love my people.

People, it takes a freaking village and I am so grateful for mine!

Self Love

I am slowly, but very surely learning the value and necessity of self love. In a world where we are constantly seeing the very best of everyone's lives and comparing our worst to their best; in a world where nothing we ever do is good enough or worthy of love; in a world where we are constantly judged by others and ourselves; in a world where we consider ourselves very last on a list of things and people that are worthy of our love; in a world where people are cruel and the most cruel are usually ourselves... I am practicing self love. I have to remind myself to do it every hour of every day. But, I know that I am worth it. Not because of me, but because I am His daughter and my worth was set in stone before my mama pushed me out of her vagina!

Younique has forced me, literally, to post pictures of my dang self... to do Lives every single day, even on my very worst days when I don't want to show my face to anyone... to fill my well every day so that I CAN fill other peoples' wells also. We can't help others to see their worth if we don't value our own.

I LOVE that Younique has the ability, at least with me, to empower, validate and inspire. I am teaching myself these lessons every day. And, it might not seem like I'm doing a great job when you see all of the drama in my life with men who are cookoo for cocoa puffs... but what you don't see is me setting boundaries and saying, "No." "Not today, Scooter." Just because they are posting outrageous stories and Lives does not mean I have any communication with them. I don't. I am so dang proud of myself for learning that I am worth it and saying, "no."

I hope to be able to continue to inspire myself and love myself... especially because we can't count on the world to do it for us!

Always Known

I love, love, love this!

It has been a rough few weeks... actually a rough few months... okay, it's been a rough SEVERAL years! For all of us, really. Classrooms to go through. Lessons to learn. Courage to practice. Heart break. Fear. Frustration. We all have these feelings and emotions. We all have things in our lives that are hard! Like, really hard! We also ALL have Christ. He knows us perfectly. He hears us. He loves us so dang much. More than we can comprehend.

And, when we look and listen we all have really great weeks and months and years. There are always, always joys along the journey. Always.

Joys like Jackson bringing me home ice cream.

Joys like making my children dinner every night.

Joys like hugs from Colton.

Joys like knowing that Kaydon is learning and growing at scout camp this week.

Joys like exercising my body each day because I can.

Joys like walking in on Jackson and Braxton talking to Lila about possibly baptizing Ja'Mari and ordaining him to the Aaronic Priesthood.

Joys like people offering to help support Jackson on his mission.

Joys like having a job that is good and stable.

Joys like smiles and hugs and positive affirmations.

So much joy!

Happy Freaking Weekend!!

Oh my goodness! I am so dang thankful for this weekend to be here! I have felt so much peace and so much comfort and love for the last two days... since my boy gave me a blessing.

I get to go down to Utah County tomorrow and have some girl time with my T, Melissa and Lakeita to celebrate my T's birthday! Oh, how I love her so big.

I have a fantastic sale going on today on my group site. I will be having Friday Dealios... I love that I can share the goodness with people who have been so supportive!

Still no mission call! The computer shows it is "in progress." Awwww!!! We are excited and anxious. We will be having the call-opening at Layton Park on the evening that he receives it. R goes out of town next Wednesday, so we will FaceTime him in if he is out of town. We will also FaceTime in Logan and Skipper and Grandma and Grandpa Nef and whomever else we can! This boy of mine is so ready and so prepared. I just love him!

Happy weekend!

Where's My Sign?!

I must have a sign on my body somewhere in BIG neon letters that says, "Please! If you have mental illness that you refuse to get treated, pick me!"

For real... I just haven't found the sign yet. I'll keep looking for future safety!

My T. Oh, my T. This girl knows everything about me and still loves me. She is strong and courageous and full of her very own trials, but never ceases to love me. She sent me this quote yesterday:

When I got home last night, my Jackson gave me a Priesthood blessing. My son. My baby boy. He put his hands on my head and gave the most beautiful, pure, powerful Priesthood blessing. Then he went back to the bishop's house with Braxton to plan for future Priest activities because Jackson has been released as, and Braxton called as, the Priest Quorum First Assistant.

These boys continue to amaze me and make me so proud every single day. I love them so big!

I Did It!

I am seriously thrilled at my accomplishments!

I am so grateful for the rewards that I received from Younique Corporate for meeting my personal goals. I am so grateful for every single person who supports me and my business by liking, sharing, watching my hot-mess Facebook lives, purchasing, etc. I am so thankful for this opportunity to get my boys and I out of debt and spread some self-love!