Strokes 'R Us

The stroke that I had in December had an effect on all of us.

The recovery and the new norm has an effect on all of us.

After Jackson, Braxton and I had our flu shots yesterday, we had some lunch.

They took me back to work.

Within 45 minutes, I had a headache that caused me to not be able to hold my head up.

My  left eye has tapped out.

I was not in a good place.

Braxton came back and got me, gave me medicine and put me to bed.

The boys alternated checking on me every 20 minutes.

Their lives have been changed drastically.

Later in the afternoon, once I was up and downstairs, Braxton took Colton to the store and got him two pumpkins.

One for him and one for Je'Mari.

They carved away and had a great time.

That was a job for a mama to do. 

But there are many things that Mama doesn't do anymore.

My boys, without being asked, always step right in. 

They know what needs to be done and they do it.

I am so, so thankful.

Move Night

Pops does a movie night every so often.

Scary movies.

Movies that I would never, ever want to see.

So, the boys (minus Braxton who was working) drove down to Nana and Pops' to watch the scary movie that I would never, ever want to see.

They loved it.

I wouldn't have loved it.

The end.

My Weekend

Friday was a rough day for this mama.

Bad headache.

Not much movement.

Tired.

Slept until afternoon.

Fever.

Some days I am reminded of my new normal. Of my mortal state. Of my weak body, but strong spirit. Some days I am reminded that I no longer have much choice when it comes to pressing on through fatigue of my sort. I have to stop and rest. And so I do.

I did go pick Jackson up from work that night.

I am going to miss this boy.

He is one of my favorite people on the Planet Earth.

He is so good in every way.

Gosh, I love him.

I also snapped this sunset.

We live in the most beautiful place.

From Highway 89 or from Fort Lane or Fairfield, near Highway 193, the views are surreal.

Lovely.

This guy was sick all last week.

I cooked and cleaned and cared for him as I could.

The tables turned on the weekend.

He cooked while I slept.

Apparently, I slept a lot.

He watched football and baseball and would gently wake me to tell me scores that he knew I would want to hear.

Then I would wake up for a while to watch them with him.

We did go on a real date.

To a fancy restaurant.

After an hour of being there, it was back home we went to watch baseball.

T says we are like two old people!

And what?!?!

Dancin' Fool

Kaydon is a dancing fool, it appears.

He was asked by three different girls to the Harvest Dance (I think that's what it's called).

He said "Yes" to the one who "officially" asked him.

Last night, there was another doorbell ditch.

I heard it in my groggy sleep.

One of the girls that asked him to the Harvest Dance already asked him to the Christmas dance at Davis High School.

Get it, Girl!

She's on it like a bonnet!

This kid really is enjoying high school so far and it's so fun to see his brothers razzing him!

Prop 2

How do I feel about Prop 2?

Last night, I took one of my boys to a store in Kaysville.

I had talked to my soul sister, Miss Birdie, about it prior.

I have done my research.

A lot of research.

Too much research.

My boy has struggled greatly with anxiety and depression.

He also struggles mightily with headaches that are debilitating. 

He throws up. 

He can't sleep.

He has days where he can't go to school.

No matter how hard all of us try.

He has been in counseling, with multiple counselors.

He has been on various different kinds of prescription medication.

We have tried everything I know to try.

Now we are trying CBD.

He has drops that he puts under his tongue morning and night.

He also has a sucker that he can put in his mouth if he starts to get a terrible headache while at school or work.

I am a mother of children who have had 29 operations.

I am a mother of children who have seen the worst in people, who are survivors of abuse.

I am a mother of children who have seen their brother on hospice.

I am a mother of children who have had to grow up much quicker than many.

I am a mother who will fight for my children's well-being until my dying moments.

My child is on CBD.

I am telling you this for this reason:

Prop 2 is important.

There are people who have tried everything else.

Nothing else works for some people.

As a mother, I need options.

I need viable options for my children and their well-being.

My child is on CBD.

If you have a problem with this, please keep it to yourself.

In particular, don't say a word to him.

Or... Mama Bear might just come out.

I say that nicely... kind of.

My child is on CBD.

I will be voting YES on Prop 2.

I hope that you will do your research and made an educated decision on it as well.

My child is on CBD.

I love my child.

Lunch Dates

These two handsome boys came and had lunch with me yesterday.

Colton was sick when I left yesterday morning.

He stayed home and rested.

Jackson drove them to get me, then to have lunch at Warren's. 

Less than two months and this boy is off to Chile.

Jackson's Temple Trip

Friday, Jackson went through the Bountiful Temple.

Rest assured, I have zero pictures of him.

When we got there (while the sun was in the middle of the sky and lighting was perfect for pictures), he exclaimed that he didn't want pictures until after.

I should have fought that!

When we left the Temple, it was dark.

Very, very dark.

The only pictures taken: T and I. 

Seems fitting!

The Temple was beautiful.

It was my first time doing a session there.

But, fun fact: this is the Temple where Jackson was sealed to his father and I.

Papa, Pops, Nana, Uncle Brandon, Aunt Carrie, Randy, T, Bishop Krum, Sister Krum and BJ Redford were all in attendance.

It was more beautiful than I could have imagined.

My boy is a stud.

Afterwards - Randy, Jackson and I went to R&R for dinner.

I didn't get any pictures there either.

I was too busy eating!!

He's Going There Today

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has a Primary song that I LOVE.

I often sing it to myself when I'm struggling emotionally.

"I love to see the Temple. I'm going there someday. To feel the Holy Spirit, to listen and obey. For the Temple is a House of God, a place of love and beauty. I'll prepare myself while I am young. This is my sacred duty."

Well today, Jackson is going there.

He is going there to make promises with God. And himself.

He is going there to clothe himself in the holy garments.

I have been taught that the garments protect us.

I testify that they do.

Physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Our dearest friends, Kelly and Corissa, took Jackson to get his garments and Temple clothing on Tuesday night.

Last night, he and I packed his Temple bag.

Today, he and I will drive to the Temple.

We will meet loved ones there:

Papa, Nana, Pops, Uncle Brandon, Aunt Carrie, T, Randy, and other loved ones who choose to come.

I will be wearing extra setting powder to keep the makeup on my face as I will surely be crying.

These will be tears of joy and peace and pride.

A good kind of pride.

I look forward to being in the sacred halls of the Temple with my oldest boy, who I love so much.

Night Time With the Babes

Doesn't Anson look SO grown up?

This baby is a little love bug! 

He runs and runs and runs.

He giggles.

He is ticklish.

He snuggles.

He puts his head between your knees when he wants to be held.

And, when he's tired... he looks a weeee bit milk drunk!!

Asher is SO on the dang go.

He is climbing on furniture.

He is running very fast laps around the kitchen table.

He is emptying out kitchen cupboards and kitchen drawers with lightening-fast speed.

He is VERY busy.

All the time.

He LOVES his blankie.

It reminds me of Braxton and his blankie!

These boys are THE greatest blessings!

And Just Like That... I'm Back

And just like that...

the 10 day fast from social media has come to an end.

It was very hard the first day.

It was so super easy by the last day that I didn't even think about social media anymore.

I am so proud of myself for setting this goal and accomplishing it!

I learned so much.

I worked hard on my business.

I am ready to succeed!

And, after an amazing guys' trip... this bestie of mine is home!

He had a blast at the Cowboys vs. Jacksonville game.

He had the best time with his college buddies.

These guys have been best friends for over 30 years.

They are hilarious with each other.

He said he never stopped laughing.

I believe it!

Babies, 10 Days & Rockers

These boys' mama sent me a text this morning:
"Auntie, can you babysit us tomorrow evening after work?"

Ummm... YESSSSS!

Look at them.

Just look at them.

Auntie can't wait for snuggles and giggles tomorrow!

Today is the last day of my social media fast!

It's been such a great experience.

It's been so wonderful to take more time to listen and to ponder, rather than to scroll and sort of lose myself in other people's lives. 

I'll be back doing my Lives tomorrow morning & I'm excited and ready!

This morning on the way to work, Jackson and I were listening to the radio.

We like to listen to Frankie and Jess.

They were reading a text from a guy that said something to the effect of:

I woke up to my girlfriend screaming. She said she saw a three year old boy rocking in the rocking chair in the corner of the room...

Jackson immediately was like, "NOPE! Divorce. I am taking the dog and leaving. Good luck with life. I'm out. You can keep the kids. I'm not coming back here. Get counseling for your trauma. I'm out."

That's so my Jackson!

He does not do ghosts, nuns or ghost children rocking in rocking chairs in the corner of the room.

He is literally hilarious about it.

I was like, "Jackson, slow your flow. It's just a ghost."

He was not having any of it!

I could not stop laughing.

Word to the wise:

Don't bring up dead people, nuns, or children rocking in full-size rocking chairs whilst around my son.

He will not stick around.

Laundry & One Week Down

What a boring, lazy, perfect weekend I had!

All but Jackson went to the Layton game on Friday night.

Jackson took me to get an ice cream.

All of the boys were gone on Saturday.

I literally watched a Lock Up marathon on Netflix, colored and made cookies.

I didn't even shower!

All day long!

Sunday was the Primary Program.

I kind of REALLY miss having my little ones up there, waving at me and blowing me kisses.

Those dang kiddos are so stinking cute.

And there are so many new Primary songs. They are beautiful.

The boys' dad drove up to take them to dinner.

While they were gone, I finished Jackson's laundry for him.

Once you turn 10 at my house, you do your own laundry.

Period.

It's been five years since I've done anyone's laundry by my own!

Last night, I thought I would finish his for him.

I literally wept while I folded it.

I realized that there are only two more months before he leaves.

He's ready.

He's prepared.

He's worthy.

I'm a mess.

It's been a whole week since I've been on social media.

An entire week.

I don't even feel the temptation anymore to be on there.

I don't feel tempted to even go peek.

It's been a wonderful break.

I am up-to-date on my Book of Mormon reading as well.

Reading it this quickly has actually been pretty cool.

I feel like I'm getting out of it different things than I have when I've gone much, much slower.

Wednesday, I go back to my daily Facebook Lives and posts for my business.

I feel like I'll be ready.

I pray that I will see blessing in my business for my obedience.

My Breakfast Date & One Week Down!

This was my breakfast date yesterday.

We had a lovely morning at court.

The word lovely is actually a lie.

It was terrifying and I had so much anxiety built up.

But we were blessed with mercy and all was well.

For now. 

I know that there won't be too many more of these one-on-one dates with my bubba.

I am going to miss him so much.

He is a man, now, and that is SO weird for this mama of boys.

I am a lucky, lucky mama.

It's been almost a week since I started my goals:

1. NO social media for ten days

2. Read the Book of Mormon between last Monday and December 31st.

I am having a 100% success rate so far!

I have no doubt that my boys and I are being blessed for my obedience.

I am looking forward to getting back to work on social media next Wednesday, but for now I am loving the break and the blessings from doing what we have been asked to do.

And this guy.

This is how I feel daily about working out. But when I look at him, I giggle and carry on!

He's in Dallas for several days with his college buddies to see Jacksonville play the Cowboys. They are so stinking excited. 

Wednesday night, we saw a man get hit by a truck. A big truck. 

He was 71. His name is Tony. My heart broke for him.

He refused medical care, which was a BAD idea. At one point, he told the responders that if I went with him, he would go. But by the time they finished their notes, he changed his mind again.

I haven't stopped thinking about him!

Happy weekend!

I hope it is full of joy and laughter and the ability to recharge!

World Mental Health Day & 10 Months

October 10th (yesterday) was World Mental Health Day.

That's a pretty big deal.

I am positive that we all know someone who has mental health issues.

I am one of those people.

I have two children who have depression and anxiety.

I have a child with Autism, anxiety, ADHD and learning disabilities.

I remember when my little brother, Logan, was a newborn. 

I was 4 1/2 years old.

I remember him crying in his crib and, as a four year old, going in while my dad fixed dinner and getting him out of his crib and soothing him.

I remember neighbors, ward members and family members coming for weeks to take care of my brothers and I while my dad worked.

My mom never came out of her room.

Obviously, she had post partem depression.

At the time, it was called a nervous breakdown.

But there was no help for her.

She was isolated in a dark bedroom.

Most likely feeling shame and guilt and sadness and hurt and fatigue and confusion and anger...

But it wasn't a thing then.

It was something that anyone talked about.

We've come a LONG ways.

And, I am grateful.

I am a huge proponent for medication.

The right medication.

Thankfully, the medication that I am on is super helpful.

I am a huge proponent of meditation and yoga.
I wasn't until my stroke... but I sure am now!
I am a huge proponent of working out, eating well, and having a kitchen cabinet with at least two people who root for my rise.

I am a huge proponent of having a support system. 

I am a huge proponent of talking about these things.

They aren't weird.

They aren't shameful.

They aren't embarrassing.

Our value is not based on our mental health.

Mental health issues are real.

They are wide-spread and all-encompassing.

They don't come to certain ethnicities or certain demographics. They don't come to certain ages or races. They don't come to certain religions, genders, financial backgrounds.

They come to everyone. No matter what.

No more hiding!

In other news, which is kind of rad - World Mental Health Day is also my 10 month anniversary since the stroke.

And, guess what?

I'm rocking it!

I work out.

I do makeup and skin care.

I raise four boys.

I work three jobs.

I watch my nephews.

I laugh.

I cry.

I sing.

I dance.

I am strong.

I am brave.

I am sassy.

I am a survivor and WE are pretty rad!

Day Two - Unhooked & A Star is Born

Last night, D took me to see A Star is Born.

It wasn't what I expected.

Don't get me wrong... I cried big alligator tears.

I laughed.

I swooned over the way Bradley Cooper spoke to Gaga.

It was a beautiful love story.

And it was a heartbreaking life story, I suppose.

D texted me this morning and said, "I have to admit that movie has me depressed."

I texted back, "Ditto."

I have never been a huge fan of Gaga.

Until now.

Now I am a huge fan of Gaga.

She's lovely. She seems very genuine and very sincere. She is beautiful. Her voice is stunning.

Oh, and I had popcorn.

So this girl was happy.

Day two was another successful day with my two goals!

I did not get on social media & I stuck to my reading schedule.

What I learned on day two of being unhooked:

- It's harder than I thought it would be to unhook from social media

- Heavenly Father will make it possible for us to do things that He has commanded when we are doing our best to make it happen

- Not going Live every morning means that I get ready much faster! Probably because I'm not jabbering on and on and on. I've never been accused of being quiet!

- When we are holding ourselves accountable with someone else, it's helpful. T is my teammate in this and it's helpful to know that I will report to her at the end of the night.

- My mind and heart are so much more open to what I can and will do for my business

Day One - Off the Hook

What I learned on day one "off the hook."

I am learning how often I click on Facebook or Instagram mindlessly.

Without even knowing what I'm doing.

And just scroll.

And just look.

ALL the time!

I found myself going to click on the little icon and then stopping myself.

And, I successfully stopped myself every single time.

It felt so good!

I spent my time really listening to every single idea that came to my mind regarding my business... the still small voice was loud yesterday!

I listened, then I did.

I plan to continue to do that throughout the 10 days.

I know that I will be blessed.

The other part of President Nelson's talk admonished us to read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year.

Below is the schedule to accomplish that.

T and I are doing it.

I had no idea that this is the exact same time frame in which the Prophet Joseph Smith Jr. translated the Book of Mormon. 

I had no clue!

A Dance, Some Obedience & Sacrifices

What a great weekend we had.

On Saturday morning, Kaydon enlisted his two younger brothers - Colton and Ja'Mari - to answer the girl who, in the most darling way, asked him to the Harvest dance.

The tricky part was that this darling girl lives at the end of a very long cul-de-sac. So, I had to park on the outside of the cul-de-sac and the two boys had to be sneaky. Apparently I was laughing so hard that the boys could hear me clear down at the end of the street. 

It was hysterical.

Neither of them was wearing shoes.

Kaydon instructed them to set it all up just perfectly.

They ran to the side of the house, and were hiding, as the next door neighbor came home and wondered what they were doing.

Ja'Mari kept creeping by the big garage door to peak to see if they had picked it up off of the porch.

Once they had, these two charms booked it down the cul-de-sac and into the warmth of the car.

I about wet myself laughing.

Saturday afternoon, we headed down to Nana and Pops' house.

Nana and I watched the Women's Conference.

Our Prophet is just so sincere.

I loved most when he looked at the girls, young women, mature women - all of the women - and simply said, "I love you."

I felt that and I needed that.

President Nelson asked all females in the Church to take a 10 day break from social media. 

My business is marketed only through social media.

I thought about his words all night and into Sunday.

I talked to D about it, who is not a member of our faith.

I talked to T about it.

I talked to Jackson about it.

Jackson feels that running a business is different than surfing social media for hours a day.

I agree with him.

However, I continued to feel strongly that I would be blessed if I followed our Prophet.

And so this morning, I did a FB Live.

I explained that I would be taking a 10 day break from social media.

I explained that this is scary and worrisome for me because my business relies on social media.

However, I feel that the sacrifice will bring blessings.

I will be scheduling FB posts on my group page for the next 10 days.

And then, I will not log into FB or Instagram.

I don't have any other social media.

I will continue to blog, and to share my perspectives, challenges, lessons learned and blessings with you over the next several day. I know that there will be at least one of each of those.

I pray that my business will not fail, but will increase due to my obedience.

I pray that I will learn those things I am meant to learn.

I will be Live again next Wednesday.