Wreaths & Such

These creations right down here are made with love and care by my boy!

Braxton is massively talented.

Look at these!!

Saturday morning, Kaydon asked if I was going grocery shopping after the gym.

I had certainly planned on it.

Well, he went and did it himself with the grocery list I had created. 

He told me my card didn't work.

The truth: he didn't even try it. He used his own card to buy groceries.

These boys of mine, though!

Annnnnnnnd.... one more things, People!

Yesterday, was the 15 month anniversary of the stroke. And guess what I did?

Just 50 pound biceps curls for days!!!!

Annnnd, check out this comparison!

15 years as a team of five!!!

Keep Showing Up

I went to the gym Tuesday morning. 

As I do.

As I was finishing up my Yoga, I noticed commotion.

A sweet elderly man who is at the gym every morning had vomited and passed out.

He was conscious again, but he and every single surface around him was covered in vomit.

Never in my life have I seen so much vomit.

Ever.

My mama instincts kicked in and I went to the janitor's closet and got rags and water and a mop.

I desperately wanted to clean him up before the paramedics got there.

But they were fast.

I spent a bit of time helping to clean up the area with the gym employees, then I headed home to get ready for work quickly.

My morning was going as normal until about 11 am when my brain got very, very fuzzy and I became confused and dizzy.

Numbness started in my left hand and was moving up.

Ugh.

I would be unable to drive.

 Barely able to walk.

Kyle came and picked me up and got me in bed where I went to Dreamland for several hours.

When I awoke, I was still tired but the fuzz and dizziness had stayed in Dreamland.

I didn't go to the gym Wednesday or Thursday, which puts me off my routine.

Going to the gym is my time.

It's my time to be strong.

It's my time to reward my body for being so awesome-sauce.

It's my time to listen to whatever music I want to listen to and to work hard.

For me.

Not going puts me in a bit of a funk.

Then yesterday, I got an email from my attending physician at IMC.

It was completed FMLA paperwork for 2109.

I always struggle a bit to read the wording.

'Neurological Disorder' 

'Periods of extreme cognitive fatigue'

'Periods of dizziness, fuzziness, numbness, forgetfulness, inability to perform duties of any kind'

Those can sting a little.

But then I realize that I am SO BLESSED.

I have more good days than bad days.

I am working.

Yes, a few times a month I must leave work early to go home and just sleep.

But it's okay.

And today, I was back at the gym and feeling more like myself!

And, these two.

These were my Valentine's pictures.

These boys have my heart.

I remember holding them for the first time after I couldn't hold them for a while.

It was Heaven.

And everyday since then has been Heaven as well.

A Dance & A Trial

Kaydon went to his first school dance on Saturday.

Friday night, they had their "day date." 

I swear, dances are a crazy big even now a days!

These pictures are from Friday night.

As soon as I have dance pictures, I will post about them.

I can't wait!

He is so dang social all of a sudden.

This kid hated people a wee months ago!

Tonight, he will be answering a different girl to a different dance at a different school.

So fun!

 Thursday morning, Jackson took me to a our family doctor.

He's great.

I told him I had a crazy bad headache since Tuesday.

Also, my left eye was not functioning right.

He did some tests and found that my left side was very weak.

Jackson explained that this wasn't as scary as it seemed.

My left side is now constantly weaker than my right.

But the doctor was worried.

He sent us to McKay Dee for a CT scan.

I wanted to just jump off a ledge instead.

When I had my first conversion stroke, I was out of it.

I didn't know what was happening.

 I was more aware on Thursday and I was done and done.

The CT was smooth.

We were sent back to the doctor's office, where the nurse was waiting with a handful of shots.

I didn't even care.

She told me to bend over and drop my pants.

I didn't even flinch.

No brain bleeds.

Another small conversion, though.

I slept Thursday and Friday.

D "babysat" me on Saturday and Sunday.

I am back to work this morning - half days this week.

It's a new normal.

I am still not a patient patient.

You know?
I still believe I can do everything without a problem!

I can't.

Randy called last night and made sure I was aware of that. :)

I get it. I get it.

And, I'm on my feet and trying again today.

Strokes 'R Us

The stroke that I had in December had an effect on all of us.

The recovery and the new norm has an effect on all of us.

After Jackson, Braxton and I had our flu shots yesterday, we had some lunch.

They took me back to work.

Within 45 minutes, I had a headache that caused me to not be able to hold my head up.

My  left eye has tapped out.

I was not in a good place.

Braxton came back and got me, gave me medicine and put me to bed.

The boys alternated checking on me every 20 minutes.

Their lives have been changed drastically.

Later in the afternoon, once I was up and downstairs, Braxton took Colton to the store and got him two pumpkins.

One for him and one for Je'Mari.

They carved away and had a great time.

That was a job for a mama to do. 

But there are many things that Mama doesn't do anymore.

My boys, without being asked, always step right in. 

They know what needs to be done and they do it.

I am so, so thankful.

World Mental Health Day & 10 Months

October 10th (yesterday) was World Mental Health Day.

That's a pretty big deal.

I am positive that we all know someone who has mental health issues.

I am one of those people.

I have two children who have depression and anxiety.

I have a child with Autism, anxiety, ADHD and learning disabilities.

I remember when my little brother, Logan, was a newborn. 

I was 4 1/2 years old.

I remember him crying in his crib and, as a four year old, going in while my dad fixed dinner and getting him out of his crib and soothing him.

I remember neighbors, ward members and family members coming for weeks to take care of my brothers and I while my dad worked.

My mom never came out of her room.

Obviously, she had post partem depression.

At the time, it was called a nervous breakdown.

But there was no help for her.

She was isolated in a dark bedroom.

Most likely feeling shame and guilt and sadness and hurt and fatigue and confusion and anger...

But it wasn't a thing then.

It was something that anyone talked about.

We've come a LONG ways.

And, I am grateful.

I am a huge proponent for medication.

The right medication.

Thankfully, the medication that I am on is super helpful.

I am a huge proponent of meditation and yoga.
I wasn't until my stroke... but I sure am now!
I am a huge proponent of working out, eating well, and having a kitchen cabinet with at least two people who root for my rise.

I am a huge proponent of having a support system. 

I am a huge proponent of talking about these things.

They aren't weird.

They aren't shameful.

They aren't embarrassing.

Our value is not based on our mental health.

Mental health issues are real.

They are wide-spread and all-encompassing.

They don't come to certain ethnicities or certain demographics. They don't come to certain ages or races. They don't come to certain religions, genders, financial backgrounds.

They come to everyone. No matter what.

No more hiding!

In other news, which is kind of rad - World Mental Health Day is also my 10 month anniversary since the stroke.

And, guess what?

I'm rocking it!

I work out.

I do makeup and skin care.

I raise four boys.

I work three jobs.

I watch my nephews.

I laugh.

I cry.

I sing.

I dance.

I am strong.

I am brave.

I am sassy.

I am a survivor and WE are pretty rad!

Be Believing

One week ago, I sat at IMC while my T was in surgery.

That was on the second floor of the surgery center.

I gathered my courage and walked over to the elevator and rode up to the 12th floor.

I'm not sure why I was so anxious, but the anxiety increased as I got off of the elevator and saw some familiar sites.

I first walked to MY room.

My haven.

My safe place.

T1225.

The door was cracked and I saw a young lady in MY bed.

She was surrounded my loved ones.

I looked away quickly and walked further down the hall.

I don't know her story and no one knew mine.

I wanted to tell her so many things.

I wanted to tell her that it WILL be alright in the end.

I wanted to tell her that there is no better place on earth for her to be than right there.

I wanted to tell her that she is in a sacred place.

I wanted to tell her to believe.

I wanted to tell her that the view at night is the very best. 

I wanted to tell her that I believe. I wanted to tell her to hold on. 

I wanted to tell her that this was me just eight short months ago:

And this was me just seven short months ago:

Tyler had just ran to get Randy so that he could see the miracle that Tyler (the PT) was about to witness... me taking my first steps. 

My legs moving.

My legs working.

My legs doing what they knew how to do.

One foot in front of the other.

I wanted to tell her that it's possible.

Miracles happen.

As she laid in the bed in this room, I wanted to tell her that she is never alone. Ever.

Angels surround us. They meet on our behalves. They are closer than we realize.

I wanted to tell her that this is me now.

Working.

Drinking one Diet Coke a day.

Washing my own body.

Doing my own hair.

Brushing my own teeth.

Putting my makeup on. Putting my earrings in.

Dressing myself.

Driving.

Feeding myself.

Typing.

Reading.

Coloring.

Lifting weights.

Squatting.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Climbing.

Surviving.

LIVING.

I am living. 

I wanted to tell her that she will, too.

She will live and love and find abundant gratitude in the most mundane things.

She will! 

And I will, too!

Sacred Halls & Sleeping Beauty

Yesterday while T was in surgery, I took the elevator upstairs.

I got off on the 12th floor and immediately felt a rush of emotion.

I haven't been back since December.

My room is the first room you come to.

T1225.

It is a sacred room, where sacred things took place.

Last night, I texted Randy to thank him for making it so.

That is where we prayed, read scriptures, did therapy homework, laughed, learned to color again, learned to read again, spoke of spiritual things.

That is where I healed.

I walked the halls.

I went to the rehab gym.

This is the mat where I learned to roll over and sit up.

This is the mat where I cried and cried when I couldn't figure out how to roll to my right side.

This is the mat where I learned yoga.

This is the mat where miracles happened.

I was able to hug therapists, doctors and nurses.

The common comment was, "You don't even look like the same person anymore."

I had no idea how much I'd changed.

Afterall, I was walking. I was talking. I was chewing gum.

I suppose I am different.

Even the cleaner came and gave me a big squeeze.

I love those people.
They are a part of me.

Lots of tears. Lots of smiles. Lots of love.

I was even able to hug some patients and encourage them in their journey.

It will be okay in the end.

This morning as I was leaving, I peaked into Jackson and Kaydon's room.

This is what I saw.

Only a few more months and I won't be able to see this anymore.

I had to snap a picture of this sleeping beauty.

I love my boys so much.

I am so thankful that I am home and healthy with them.

V for Victory!

Yesterday morning, Kaydon opened my bedroom door - where I still lay in bed - and asked me to go hike Adam's Canyon with him. I told him that Jackson had to work and we wouldn't have a car. The truth was that Jackson didn't have to be to work for four hours and I was just scared to do something that I haven't done since the stroke. So, I got out of bed and told him that I would drink my protein shake, see if we could get out of the complex (parade) and go. And we did.

Kaydon is my boy who RUNS up the switch backs and then runs up the high peaks. I told him that I would be much slower than usual and that I needed to pace myself and listen to my body. (note: second stroke on Father's Day) I figured it was driving him nuts when I had to stop and catch my breath after every two to three switch backs. He told me it was just fine! And, up we went. All the way up to the top. I was overjoyed! I was SO happy that I did it and that I felt great! It was so beautiful... it always is! The views are incredible. The sound of the stream is so soothing. There were about 10,000 other people up there, too, but I didn't even care!

I am SO full of gratitude for a body that works well enough to take care of my daily needs. I am so thankful for my children who push me and support me. I am so thankful for freedom, flags, and the most beautiful place to live. I am so thankful for hard things and for victories - big and small!

Friday Favorites - Belief

Some weeks, it just seems like it's harder to make it to Friday. Then, once we do - it's a sh*t show mess!

That has been this week. Work has been crazy. The boys are SO done with school. Jackson is having his wisdom teeth out next Friday. Then graduation. Colton is done and done with school this year. Braxton is struggling with life. Kaydon is just Kaydon. I have been struggling with my left hand this week... everything is totally fine, but I have come to understand that my left hand is just not as strong as it used to be and certainly not as strong as my right hand. I try not to think about it, but when I do I cry. Then I pick myself back up and keep going. It's just nothing but a thing!

Braxton sat on my bed this week and asked, "What's the point? We are all just here to die anyways!!" Yeah, this mama didn't take lightly to that. I explained to him that we are here for so much more than to just die. I told him that as I laid in the hospital after being told I had just experienced a stroke and I was paralyzed, I thought of all of the things I may not be able to do again. I sobbed as I thought about how I'd never be able to take care of my children again, the house again, my work again. I thought about how I would never be a multi-tasker again. I thought about how I'd never be able to pull my hair back again or curl my hair again or color again. I thought about everything that I "couldn't" or "wouldn't" again. Then I shut myself right up and decided it was time to battle. I told myself every night that in the morning, I would walk. The next morning I woke up. I couldn't walk, but I could talk. Did that make that day a failure? Nope. The next morning, I didn't walk, but I could move my thumb to my index finger. Was that day a failure? Nope. The next morning, I still couldn't walk, but I could swallow. So, was that day a failure? Nope. I could have seen them as failures because I wasn't walking, but instead I saw them as HUGE victories, as big successes, as enormous tender mercies. I saw them as coulds and woulds and dids.

When we believe that who we are and where we are and what we are and why we are is enough, then it becomes enough. It becomes more than enough. When we see our lives as abundant, no matter what our situation is, then it is abundant. And good. And enough. So, today I choose to get through my Friday in abundance and joy and coulds and woulds and dos and dids. Today, I choose to believe in good.

Five Months!!

The first picture was taken December 10, 2017. I had already lost consciousness.

The last picture is today. No filter. Five months later.

We can do hard things. You. Me. All of us. We can do hard things.

Happy five months post-stroke to all of us!

Good Luck and Thanks

I have been useless this week. My children hardly have a mother right now. As soon as I get home, I am literally in bed. Last night, I stopped long enough to do a 15 minute live, then to bed I went.

Annoying.

Necessary.

Guilt-ridden.

So exhausted.

On Monday, my beloved visiting teacher/ministerer brought dinner. It was devoured.

Tuesday night, T sent pizza. A lot of pizza. Like, an excessive amount of pizza. Last night there were left overs before the children headed to mutual and I went to dreamland.

In other news, I took this picture while Braxton was trying on prom clothes several weeks ago. Yesterday, I ordered Jackson's graduation announcements.

Both events caused me to sob. Like, ugly cry.

Sincerely,

The Hot Mess

I Can Do Hard Things

Today is the day that has given me anxiety for over a week now. I am back at work full-time.

I couldn't sleep all night. I worried and worried about how things would go and how I would handle it all. Worry is such an unhealthy thought to have. It serves us no real purpose. It is simply a story that we tell ourselves about how things could go wrong, when in fact they may go just right!

Jackson, Kaydon, and Colton knelt by my bed last night and Jackson offered a prayer on my behalf, and theirs. I have decided that I will simply do my best. I will take breaks when I feel I need them. I brought my yoga mat to stretch when I need to. I'll have my calming meditation music on when needed. I will turn off my office light for most of the day. I will breathe in and breathe out. I will take walks when I need to. I can only do my best and my best isn't what I did on December 9th. My best is what I can do right now. And that's okay.

This week, I am focusing on shadow palettes and cream shadow for my business. I hope you will join me in my Facebook group for tricks and tips and pictures of me trying new looks each day!