The Things You Learn When You're Finally Learning

I feel 30 pounds lighter.
Literally and figuratively.

The weight that has been removed from my body and my spirit just by being open, honest, real and raw is unbelievable.

Not having to hide and live two lives - the me that I tried to show to everyone every day and the me that was hiding and lying and thinking I had everything under control.

It was exhausting.

Draining.

Terrifying.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

And now, they're gone.

My "new" life is one that finds me with sponsors.

It finds me telling them about my bad choices right away and then moving forward.

It also finds me in deep sorrow as I finally recognize fully the hurt, angst, anxiety, despair, anger, fear, heartbreak that I have caused so many people.

My mom called last night and told me that she loved me. She didn't like me. But she loved me.

I understood.

I really understood.

I took Colton swimming yesterday.

He swam while I read the first of many books that I will be reading and studying.

This book is called, "Eat Pray Love."
I'm sure you have heard about it.

I am only on page 19.

But I'm only on page 19 because when Colton asked me to get in the pool, I actually got in.

When he asked me to play Scrabble with him again last night, I actually played again.

When he asked me to eat dinner with him, I actually did it.

Those are the best possible reasons to be only on page 19!

My favorite quotes from the book so far are:

To fight against the compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence.

I chopped the fantasy off in mid-word. This was not my moment to be seeking romance and to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment... You don't need to know the final answer right now... Because God loves you... Because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer... So that, when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is always coming, Dear One.