Years & Years

Counseling was yesterday.

It was amazing.

She is amazing.

I am amazing.

We are all pretty darn amazing.

We talked about the difference between worth and self-esteem.

Worth is unchangeable. It is there no matter what we do. And, everyone's worth is the same.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with self-acceptance, personal development and the direction we are going.

It is ever-changing. It is a path.

This portion of our feelings can cause divine discontent.

Oh, the divine discontent.

What a powerful thing!

But, that comes from God.

Shame comes from Satan.

I have to re-program my brain now, after 35 years of image distortion. 

I have to continue to tell myself out-loud that I have worth regardless of the choices I make and that I am on the right track - going the right direction.

However:

I am pretty badass!

We all are. 

I am on the right track.

That feels so good!

It's a journey.

It's my journey.

The way things happened were the exact way they needed to happen.

My homework for this week is to delve into my weaknesses, write them down and start to go through that closet where I've been shoving stuff for 35 years!

Oh, fun.

Frisbee & Flowers & Meditation

Monday night, after the gym and while boiling eggs for the week, I took Doby out to work on digging his tunnel to China... which he does nightly... as if he's in Shawshank Redemption and is planning his prison escape. Poor tortoise.

Anyhow, when I took him out to work on his digging skills, these two were playing frisbee.

I love watching them.

They're pretty good at the whole throw and catch part of frisbee.

I tend to run away from the flying saucer as not to get hit in the nose with it. Safety first!

For about two weeks each year, this is my view from the bedroom window.

The rest of the however many weeks there are in the year, I just keep my blinds closed because the view can tend to be depressing.

However, these two weeks of the year, I have the window wide open and the blinds wide open and as I lay in bed at night, meditating, I look at these small wonders in the world and offer up gratitude.

I have changed up my meditation practice a bit over the last few days.

I am practicing being silent and LISTENING.

I have always been that girl who hurries through my morning and nighttime prayers and then hurries off to bed or to my car with the radio full blast to work. 

It's weird, isn't it, how I never feel that I receive personal revelations?!

So, I have really focused on being silent and listening.

After my nighttime prayers, I stay on the floor, close my eyes and focus on my breath for five minutes. Five minutes seems like way too short of a time, but I'm just getting started, People. Baby steps!

As I was doing this on Sunday, it came to my mind (weird how silence brought answers to my prayers) that I should drive to and from work with the radio turned off. No sound. Just me and my thoughts and breathing.

I can't report that I have had visions or heard voices, YET... but I can report that I am being faithful in this practice and that I know I will be blessed for doing it.

From my current book:

In our real lives, we are constantly hopping around to adjust ourselves around discomfort - physical, emotional and psychological - in order to evade the reality of grief and nuisance. Grief and nuisance are inevitable in this life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomfortable and lovely) does eventually pass... instead of slapping and griping, what if I sat through the discomfort, just for one hour of my long life?

Swimming & Babies & Fear

It was a busy, busy weekend - 

Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Friday night, I was able to eat and visit with two of my favorites - Becky and Mo.

We sat outside and talked about EVERYthing possible for three hours while eating Cafe Rio.

Oh, how I love them!

Saturday, I got up early and went to the gym.

My body worked hard and my mind was able to focus on this body of mine that is functional and strong and brave.

Sassy begs almost everyday for Mama Heidi to take her swimming.

I loaded up Colton, Amia and Sass and we went to the pool.

Amia and I sat in our chairs and read our books.

Sassy and Colton swam for three hours - blissfully, unreluctantly, happily, excitedly...

Then, we posed for a picture.

I didn't cover up my body.

I stood right up and wrapped my mama arms around my chidlens.

My children see strength and beauty and Mom.

They don't see imperfections or cellulite or scars or bumps.

They see Mom at the pool, reading a book, smiling and drinking Diet Coke.

And now, so do I.

Later that night, I made all of the kiddos tacos, took Kaydon some dinner and then colored with Sassy.

Sunday was a day that I had been both looking forward to and scared to death of.

We went to church.

Both meetings.

Then I headed to the gym.

Sundays at the gym are like an extension of church for me, and I don't mean that in a blasphemous way at all!

I am usually one of five people there and I can work out and my brain is at ease.

After my workout, I went into the large classroom - where large aerobics classes are held.

I turned out the lights and went into the corner with two mats below my body.

I did my yoga, then I meditated.

In silence.

Focusing on my breath and focusing on LISTENING.

This is the part of meditation that I am most working on now.

Listening.

Then I went and met with my bishop for our weekly visit.

Afterwards, I drove to my mom's where I met Kaydon and Colton and these babes.

Oh, the joy they bring!
For real!
Being an auntie is like the world's greatest gift!

In the early evening, I left my mom's and headed home to attend my first 12 step group meeting.

I was terrified.

I tried to come up with every single reason why I should not attend, then I remembered that I am in treatment. I am an addict. I am no longer hiding or lying.

I am showing up.

To all of it.

For me.

For my boys.

When I got home to grab my notebook, Matt had left all of my belongings from Idaho in a garbage bag.

I was shattered.

Literally shattered.

I have always defined myself as someone else's used garbage - thus addiction - thus treatment.

This was a physical picture of that definition that I am working so hard to release.

I cried and cried.

I prayed.

I got in my car and I drove to the group.

I sat in my car and called my T.

Bawling.

Sad.

Hurt.

Anguished.

Pissed.

(I hate that word)

She did exactly what you would expect a best friend (soul sister) to do...

She talked with me as if she had angels sitting right next to her telling her exactly what to say in that exact moment.

I don't even think she realized it.

Then, I walked in and sat down.

In a 12 step program.

"How did I get to this point?" I asked myself.

Then, hope.

Love.

A tangible Spirit.

My Heavenly Father's love for me and every other person in that room.

Gratitude.

Rest.

The latest reading from my book:

This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

Just Sit With It

Yesterday was a rough one for me, Guys.

I woke up late, because I got to sleep in!

I immediately felt my chest in the throws of anxiety and depression.

It's a familiar feeling... one that I have had far too many times in the past.

My go-to was always to message a dude... for real.

If I could talk to a dude, then I was positive those feelings would go away.

I'm an addict, remember?!

Well, I didn't message a dude.

I sat with it.

I made breakfast.

I cleaned the kitchen.

Then, I went and took a nap.

I woke up with the same feeling.

Those familiar associates of mine - Depression and Anxiety - were lingering still.

I made lunch and went outside to read my book.

I took Doby with me.

I read and I sat in the wind and the rain.

Lila brought dinner over.

I ate.

Then I messaged my sponsors and told them where I was at and what I was feeling.

I was learning to sit with it.

Because these are NORMAL human feelings! NORMAL humans have these feelings all the time!

It's okay to sit with them and feel them and just be.

It's okay!!

I did my laundry and took some medicine and laid down in my bed, with my window open while I watched and listened to the huge rainstorm. 

I did three guided meditations.

I tried to protect my brain from the fireworks.

It didn't work so well.

But, I survived.

I survived it all!

All the normal-ness of those two associates who decided to stay for the entire day.

I wasn't defeated. I wasn't broken. I just was.

Kaydon sent me this picture of a baby rattler while on his hike.

Heidi OUT!

From my reading yesterday in "Eat Love Pray":

In Venice in the Middle Ages there was once a profession for a man called a codega - a fellow you hired to walk in front of you at night with a lit lantern, showing you the way, scaring off thieves and demons, bringing you confidence and protection through the dark streets..."

I think we have a Codega in the form of a Savior that walks in front of us at all times.

Mars & KK & Rand, Oh My!!

First of all...

Mars is home! 

He got home Monday night.

He has an entire summer of rehab and therapy and rest ahead of him.

But, it feels good to have the village back together.

Second, this handsome boy of mine stopped by Tuesday. 

He went to the Ogden Temple to do baptisms.

The Bountiful Temple is closed for cleaning and such.

He said it was packed... like there was a three hour wait.

He was able to baptize three groups and loved it.

He inspires me and amazes me with his faith and courage and strength.

Rand drove up from Orem on Tuesday to take me to lunch.

Most of you know Rand from the stroke.

He and I were dating when I had the stroke.

We had been dating for just a couple of months.

He was then a full-time resident of the IMC 12th Floor with me until I was discharged.

He was there when I took my first steps. He was there when I ate my first meal by myself.

But before those miracles, he bathed me, did my hair, brushed my teeth, got me to and from the bathroom, fed me, rolled me over, did all physical and occupational therapy with me, took me for strolls in the wheelchair, played music for me, decorated the room, read to me day and night, cheered me on in every single aspect of my recovery... all the while running a business and caring for my boys.

I was discharged to his guardianship until I was cleared to go home to my children.

We then broke up, but he has remained a constant, supportive fixture in my children's lives and in mine.

We have a bond that is pretty special.

We are dear friends who support one another and who are brutally honest, in the most Heidi and Rand way possible, with each other.

We had a great lunch, full of laughter, real talk and support for one another.

I am so grateful that he is part of our village.

My boys love him and he loves them.

He is 100% supportive of my treatment and recovery and I am always 100% supportive of Rand doing Rand.

Each time we see each other, he talks a little more about his feelings from the stroke and how it all affected him.

Yesterday, he said that he wanted so badly to talk about issues in our relationship... but I was still learning how to talk again. 

In the past, he has told me that his mind was so chaotic as he was told I would probably die by the doctors initially. He could only think of advocating for my comfort care and figuring out how to adopt my boys and move them to Orem and get them into school and get them situated while burying their mom.

My heart breaks for those who have been affected greatly by things in my life.

I will never forget the first time I took my first steps. He began to cry loudly (a rejoicing cry that you only read about in scripture). Then he ran from his spot where he was sitting, watching, to the walkway I was practicing on and lifted me up into the air, crying for joy with pride and gratitude.

That made the therapists cry.

We were all crying. 

As Sweet Michael was sitting in his wheelchair, never to walk again, clapping loudly for me.

It was a moment that is cemented in my memory.

My quote from my current book, "Eat Pray Love:"

To fight against that compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence...

Be loneyly... learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never use again another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

Re-habbing...

Re-habbing.

That's a word, right?

It should be the name of a television show on Court TV, or whatever it is called now that it's switched hands at least four or five times since I watched the entire Jodi Arias trial on that channel...

I've always ALWAYS been a bit of an addict to real-life hot mess television: 

Intervention, 48 Hours, Forensic Files

Just the other day, as I was sitting on the toilet contemplating the purpose of life and why it was so dang hard to push out whatever I had eaten, I thought about the irony in the fact that I am an addict to the show "Intervention."

 I'm an addict. Addicted to watching other addicts and their hot mess of a life... all the while ignoring the fact that I've been an addict for a good 20+ years... my mom told me Saturday it's been a good 27 years or so... and my life is a hot mess of a life!

I always felt so much empathy for the characters on that show. 

I never could understand why they just wouldn't stop huffing canned air or drinking vodka ALL day long or selling their bodies in order to find their next hit of heroine. I never could understand how they would just allow their children to be taken from them because they couldn't, or wouldn't in my mind, just stop whatever it was they were doing.

I mean, what did they NOT see?

The rest of us are watching that show, thinking:

How could you do that to your kids?

How could you just let your kids be raised by other people?

Aren't your kids worth you going to rehab and getting better?

And all the while, I was an addict and didn't even recognize it.

Pathetic.

Shameful.

Embarrassing.

And now, enlightening.

And now, breathtakingly sad.

I have been sent books over the last week.

If you know me, you know I'm not a reader unless I want to be!

Right now, I can't get enough of it on my lunch breaks and on the treadmill!!

Current book: Eat Pray Love

Today, while sitting in the weeds and no longer judging the house across the street because they are literally ME in so many ways, I read this:

...Almost two solid decades I have been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping in the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity... I have boundary issues with men... I disappear into the person I "love." I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have EVERYTHING. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. 

And, as I read this I could only picture one thing:

Me.

I am exhausted and depleted.

I am ready to break this crazy cycle that is me and my life.

The other thing I thought was relief.

Like, the deepest tummy breath I have ever taken was taken outside, under the slight shade of a dying tree on the side of our building.

Why?
Because I'm NOT ALONE.

Since reading some addiction testimonials at the end of last week, I was so sure that I was the only human being on the face of the earth with this addiction. Not a good feeling, Peeps.

But now, I feel a little less alone. 

A little less scared.

And I have the words that my mind and my heart have been feeling for decades.

Decades.

The Things You Learn When You're Finally Learning

I feel 30 pounds lighter.
Literally and figuratively.

The weight that has been removed from my body and my spirit just by being open, honest, real and raw is unbelievable.

Not having to hide and live two lives - the me that I tried to show to everyone every day and the me that was hiding and lying and thinking I had everything under control.

It was exhausting.

Draining.

Terrifying.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

And now, they're gone.

My "new" life is one that finds me with sponsors.

It finds me telling them about my bad choices right away and then moving forward.

It also finds me in deep sorrow as I finally recognize fully the hurt, angst, anxiety, despair, anger, fear, heartbreak that I have caused so many people.

My mom called last night and told me that she loved me. She didn't like me. But she loved me.

I understood.

I really understood.

I took Colton swimming yesterday.

He swam while I read the first of many books that I will be reading and studying.

This book is called, "Eat Pray Love."
I'm sure you have heard about it.

I am only on page 19.

But I'm only on page 19 because when Colton asked me to get in the pool, I actually got in.

When he asked me to play Scrabble with him again last night, I actually played again.

When he asked me to eat dinner with him, I actually did it.

Those are the best possible reasons to be only on page 19!

My favorite quotes from the book so far are:

To fight against the compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence.

I chopped the fantasy off in mid-word. This was not my moment to be seeking romance and to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment... You don't need to know the final answer right now... Because God loves you... Because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer... So that, when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is always coming, Dear One. 

Pre-Recovery

Dear Ones,

I am blogging about my recover, my life, my challenges, my ups and downs (because every recovering addict will have them). I am being raw, open, honest, humble, and real.  For once. Real.

This journey may not be one you want to follow.

But, it's my journal and it's my journey.

I NEED to be 100% real and raw throughout this journey.

No more hiding behind a smile that is fake.

Me.

All me.

I am awaiting a phone call from Family Services to begin my recovery process, my treatment program.

Until then, I have started my pre-recovery.

I made a list of five categories that I will concentrate on every single day.

The next day, I "report" or journal each category. I write about what I did do, what I didn't do and what I struggled with. Honestly. Openly.

Then, I send a picture of that report to my three sponsors. 

This is me being accountable.

It also helps me because I know that as I go through my day and I am struggling, I have agreed to and promised to be accountable to me and to my sponsors honestly.

It also helps me to stay in the present.

Yesterday is gone. I don't yet have to worry about tomorrow.

I'm in today and today matters.

Last night, after meeting with my bishop, I took Colton to get a snow cone.

The boys and I used to do this constantly when they were younger.

It felt SO good to be doing it again.

Sitting outside with my youngest.

Watching him be so excited about the rainbow of colors in his snow cone.

Not checking my phone at all.

Just being in the moment.

This Girl Won't Stop

This is the cover of the journal which I am keeping daily progress/set-backs in.

My Stephanie sent it to me.

It's perfect.

I want to thank every single person who has forgiven me, encouraged me and loved me... and especially those who continue to do so.

June 24, 2019 is really like a birthday to me.

It's the day that I decided to define my addiction, and determined to never fall back into it.

I have written a list of five items and they are then broken out into what I will do to accomplish each one daily.

Then, the next day I write about what I did or didn't do on that particular item.

Then, I send a picture of the entry to my "sponsors," who include my dad, my brother and my T.

I am ashamed and embarrassed. 

I am confused as to how I got to this point and how I could have possibly stayed in this addiction for 20 years, thinking all along that I had it under control.

I am also SO grateful for those who are praying for me and who are in-tune with the Spirit and telling me exactly what Heavenly Father would want me to know. B Beck, Miss Birdie, My Mr. and Mrs. Watkins - who I am positive P is whispering in their ears exactly what to say because I swear they are his words, my Tina, my Jody and so many more.

My Miss Birdie said this to me last night:

You are hard wired for love and belonging and connection.

There is NO shame in that.

I truly believe some of us remember the amazing love we felt

from our Heavenly Parents and spend a lifetime

trying to recreate it unsuccessfully.

You are grasping at anything that will help you recreate the love

that your mind and heart remember.

Satan is using that against you.

It's not defective. The veil could not erase off of the love

you knew because it was so much a part of you as a spirit.

You are NOT hopeless. You have been misguided

on where to find love. You can relearn who will fill your heart with the love

you crave, the love your Spirit remembers.

I cannot describe the peace this brought to my heart.