Single Mom Gig - Life Happening

The weekend was really, really wonderful. Mostly, Randy and I talked. A lot. And cried. And laughed. But, mostly we talked and learned. He already knows most of my insecurities and is learning, and teaching me, why I have them. One is my dad. One is P. One is assumptions. One is perceptions. One is lack of trust. (obvious) One is fear. We talked about all of them. We talked about MacKenzie, Colton, Zack, Jackson, Braxton, Kaydon and Colton. We talked about Asher and Anson... and how one day I'll be their favorite again! We talked about growth, mistakes, regrets, and experiences.

On the way home, he asked me about my dad and our relationship. He asked me why he hadn't met my dad yet. I started to open up about my feelings, and then just kept going and going. I cried. He listened. In the end, I decided to write my dad a letter... which I did yesterday. I wrote it with no expectation of anything in return. I got a response ( a couple of them), but none of it hurt me. None of it shaped any form of opinion on my end. I decided on the way home from our weekend that I was going to love my dad, just as he is... not as he used to be. Not as I feel he should be (who am I to make that decision anyway!). Just as he is now. I felt so much comfort after doing that and am excited, even elated, to move forward with a new way of thinking and with no more sadness or hurt or confusion. Just love.

As we got to Bountiful, I looked up at one of the digital freeway signs. For some reason, all I saw was "I15" and "Perry." I lost my mind. I started to sob. I wept. I asked Randy what the other words said, concerned that they said something about an accident. He continued to tell me that they simply said, "Love you Sis. I'm right here, P." I still don't know what the other words said, but I know that I did not expect to react the way I did. Randy asked me if I had written P a letter. I read him the letters I had on my blog. I realized at that moment it wasn't enough.

Yesterday, I spent my lunch break with P and Sarah (at least their dead bodies) at he Cemetery. I talked. I prayed. I cried. I laughed. I read my scriptures. I just was there. I felt so much peace. I felt so much strength. I felt so much that I needed that and that it's all okay. They have such a beautiful burial spot for their bodies. The view is extraordinary, even if it is under a pine tree (he hated pine trees!).

Today, I got a surprise. They are exquisite. The picture does not do these flowers any justice! They are unbelievably stunning. Even X-man is like, "Damn!!!" I love my X-man!

I am so grateful that life is happening and that I am learning and growing. Both with counseling and with life itself. I made myself a word board. Each week, I focus on one of those words. This week is "assumptions." It's about not saying, "I know..." when it comes to someone else's feelings. It's about not assuming that I know anything about anyone else. It's about being willing to ask. It's about being willing to stop myself for a moment and simply assume the best and most out of everyone. It's about not judging. Others or myself. It's about being open to people and their stories. It's pretty wonderful, really.

Growth

Looking back, I have always felt that one thing, and one thing only, would bring me happiness - a man. A husband. Heavenly Father has shown me otherwise over the past few weeks. I was sitting at Lagoon with my boys and I suddenly thought to myself, "I am SO happy. I feel so much joy." I felt real joy. Perhaps joy I have never felt. I felt content with my life and with my circumstances. When I was at Layton Days with my boys, I had that same feeling come upon me. "I am SO happy. I feel so much joy."

As I have gone through each divorce, I have felt negative emotions. This one has been the very hardest, in a real painful, sad way. Josh was my love. He was who I truly felt I would spend eternity with. He was my best friend. This hurt. In the past, I would look at other families, other couples, and feel such pain and such sadness. I would quietly wonder why I couldn't have that. I don't feel that way anymore. I look at my family and think about how blessed I am. I feel successfully independent. I feel strong. I feel joy. Yes, I feel exhaustion at a whole new level. I feel stressed out to the max about how things are going to work out each month financially. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to raising my boys to be stalwart young men, full of integrity. But, I feel so much joy. I feel so much happiness. I feel content. I feel so blessed. And, I feel proud of myself (but not in a prideful way).

I see this picture of myself from last week, and I see that I am growing. I am finding strength and joy. Heavenly Father is teaching me and I am finally listening and allowing myself to be teachable. Finally.

Today, I choose joy.