Like Magic

When we went to Nana and Pops' house on Sunday, there was a new, beautifully framed picture above the piano. It was the picture of their sealing day at the Bountiful Temple. Pops is SO proud of this picture. Know why? It took him a lot of painstaking time to take someone out of the picture and make it look like he was never there. It's a beautiful picture. My mom is especially glad that Miss Brooklyn is in it. And, she should be. Brooklyn will always be part of us, even if we don't see her anymore. We love her so.

Also on Sunday night, I sent someone a text message. My children thought that is was, perhaps, a bit harsh. My parents didn't. They said that I said exactly what they were thinking. The text message read: "Hi J. I'm mailing the divorce papers tomorrow morning. I have to be honest and say that I'm disgusted that I am paying for a divorce you caused. Not to mention the last year of trying to put me and my kids' lives back together because of your lies, cheating, and complete dishonor. I would like to plead with you to stop ruining lives. You've hurt so many more people than you know. Unfortunately all that you care about is you. Stop teaching your children to lie and to be like you. The fact that you're teaching your daughter to lie about who she is with is heartbreaking. You're teaching her to lie just like her dad. I have no doubt that you have plenty of mistresses that you are living a fantasy life with. Your addiction to women, attention, and your own wants is something I'll never understand. I used to believe that the fact I paid your bills, paid for everything actually, loved your children like my own, worked two jobs so you could coach, took care of everything made me special. News alert: I'm special and worth it just by being me. If you have any shred of honor at all, you'll step up and figure stuff out. You'll pay be back for this divorce so I can buy groceries. How lucky are you that you can choose to not work at a second job? Living with your dad, behaving like your sister. Some of us single parents have to work two jobs because no one else is going to step in and pay rent, utilities, and give me a car to drive. I'm relatively certain no one will ever love your children the way I did. But you don't care. It's all about you, not them. Goodbye."

I want to focus on the part about my definition of "special." I'll blog about that tomorrow.

Welcome Back, Ray!

I have been off the hook for a few days. By that I mean that I have been like a phone, dangling by a cord with that beep beep beep beep sound. Yesterday when I got off work, the boys and I drove down to Nana and Pops house. I needed my mama. I needed to have my mama love on me. I also needed a blessing from Pops. And, it was the most beautiful blessing I have ever had. It was word for word what I have been praying for. It was beautiful. I felt better when I left to go home.

Last week consisted of Colton getting a black eye and then lying to me about how he got it. It consisted of Jackson flooding the kitchen because he put hand soap in the dishwasher. It consisted for two days at the gang conference, which is always emotionally draining. It consisted of a lot of work. It consisted of days when I just didn't want to fight anymore.

It also consisted of trips to the gym. It consisted of hugs and loves from the boys. It consisted of making dinner for my boys. It consisted of coloring, movies, and smoothies from Kneaders. It consisted of blessings. Weeks always consist of blessings.

Colton's First Dance

The Junior High had a dance on yesterday. It was Colton's first dance. Kaydon made sure that he had a dollar to be able to get in. Kaydon is always looking out for Colton - making sure he has what he needs so he can participate.

Kaydon sent me this picture:

That is our sweet Lia. She is in our ward. She is part of an amazing family, who are loving, accepting, funny, and extremely talented. This picture makes me oh, so happy.

You Never Know

Saturday was a Heidi Day. I went to the gym, then went to the movies in my gym clothes. I bought myself a large bucket of extra buttered popcorn and found my seat. I had been wanting to see "Sully," with Tom Hanks. I remember the news clips about the "Miracle on the Hudson." So, that was the movie I chose. I was completely shocked by what actually happened.

In my ignorance, I had no idea that Chesley Sullenger was accused of doing anything but saving 155 lives. I had no idea that he had to stay in New York until decisions were made on his future as a pilot, and on whether or not he would be held responsible for the airplane landing in the Hudson River. I, like many people, had always believed that he was a skilled, experienced hero - one who did everything he could to save every single life on that plane on that freezing-cold day.

I was fascinated by the interrogations of Pilot Sully. I was fascinated by the questions they asked him and the accusations that the panel made. Further, I learned some powerful lessons by listening to his responses to the questions and accusations. You see, Sully asked the panel to consider the "human factor" when making determinations. He asked the panel how many tries that pilots in the simulations had prior to making a safe landing on a freeway runway. (the answer was 17) In total, the pilots aboard that plane on that day had 208 seconds to act, react, and determine what they were going to do. That is less than four minutes to determine what to do with a fully loaded airplane in an enormously populated city that had lost both engines. Once the human factor was added in (by giving the pilots in the simulations 35 seconds less time to react), there was no where for them to go but in to several populated buildings in the city.

I thought a lot about that all weekend. The human factor. I have had several (more than I care to count) people tell me for a long time what I should have done. I have also had multiple (more than I care to count) times when I thought to myself what other people should have done different. The reality is that it is so easy for us to say what should have happened, what should have been done, what shouldn't have been done. In reality, I think that most of us do the best we can with what we have. We make the best decisions we can make in the time allotted. We do what we think is best in the moment. And, no one else has the right to make assumptions or judgments based on those choices.

Now, unfortunately our choices have the real possibility of hurting others. Mine have. Those are regrets I carry with me always. But, that was never my intention when making poor choices.

The reality of the situation on the Hudson River that day was that all 155 people aboard that plane survived and none were critically injured. Not one. Mr. Sullenger did everything in his power to ensure that would be the case. Not everyone liked the choice (mostly the insurance company), but no one can argue the fact that had he not done what he did in the way he did it on that day, lives would have been lost and damage would have been done. And that's a great story.

So Close

Meet my Ashabash (Ashley). Ashley is one of my boys at work. I have 86 of them who are full-time and several more who are seasonal. Also, I have nicknames for everyone I meet, so Ash is Ashabash.

Friday, there was an accident. Ashabash was at a location to haul wood off once my Forestry crew cut down a tree. Ash was about 30 feet away when a large log fell, demolished the caribeaner, and a metal piece (the size of a candy bar) flew into my Ashabash's face. One inch higher, it would have killed him. One inch lower, it would have killed him. The doctors spent a lot of time getting pieces of his cheek bone out of his face, then sewed up an enormous hole (the size of his entire cheek) back up from the bone out. He has four layers of stitches.

Our guys do dangerous things - pave roads, work in trenches on sewer lines, climb poles and trees, work with heavy equipment, work with sharp equipment, work with the public... the list goes on and on. But, today I am so thankful that my Ash is okay. He's alive. He is swollen and black and blue and purple and sore. But, he's alive. I loved on him and loved on him this morning when I saw him.

So close.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Flowers from Jackson
2. Jody getting Colton's ride situated
3. A new water heater
4. Pam offering to do family pictures again
5. Pictures of my Victoria all week (That child is perfection)
6. Package from Miss Sarah
7. Younique makeup!!
8. Scriptures
9. General Conference
10. Blankets

11. Scout leaders
12. Gray Cliff Lodge with my handsome boys
13. Clarity
14. Apostles
15. Tears
16. Strength when I am so weak
17. First Aid Kits
18. Health and Strength
19. Family on the other side of the veil
20. Autumn!!!

They'll Always Love Their Mama

Thursday, I had a bit of attitude. Strange, I know. I finally walked over to my boss's office and plopped down on my chair. I informed him that I was only in their for counseling. (He's totally used to this, by the way!) I told him I was angry. I was angry that I was paying for the divorce. I was angry that there is not going to be any discipline given by the Church. I was angry that life was just going to go on for him, while my children and I continue to try to recover from the last six years. He stopped me and said that he was sending me this article.

Then he said, "Heidi, why do you think he wants you back?" I answered that it was probably so that I could just continue to take care of everything. He said, "He wants what you have. Your boys are never, ever going to love him again. But they will always love their mama. So, when you feel like you don't want to go to the grocery store, or the park, or the post office, or the high school football game, or McDonalds because you're afraid he'll be there - you just remember that you'll always have the love of your boys. He'll never again have what you have." Somehow, that made me feel all better. Well, that combined with the article he sent me.

So, I put my big girl pants on and went on with my day. The anger went away. The bitterness went away. The frustration went away. And, I trekked on.