Saturday, April 30, 2016
Dream Catcher
Colton made a faux stained glass dream catcher at school yesterday. He brought it home and gave it to me. It is beautiful. Actually, it's perfect. I hung it in my office. Colton loves Art. He loves to draw and create and be creative. It makes him happy and gives him confidence.
Friday, April 29, 2016
Date Night
I am pretty anti-all-you-can-eat buffets. Like, they kind of make me want to vomit. But, Braxton told me that the Chuck-A-Rama in Ogden is the best and that the Young Men went there after being at the Temple and that we had to go. So, date night was at Chuck-A-Rama. The boys were stoked. I was bracing myself.
They loaded up on salad, rolls, ham, roast, potatoes, mac and cheese, and stuffing. Then, they made themselves amazing rootbeer floats. We sat and talked about girls (like every other minute we are sitting and talking), school, bullies, seminary, and their goals. I love to sit and talk with my boys. They make me so happy. They really are a bowl full of joy... most of the time!
They loaded up on salad, rolls, ham, roast, potatoes, mac and cheese, and stuffing. Then, they made themselves amazing rootbeer floats. We sat and talked about girls (like every other minute we are sitting and talking), school, bullies, seminary, and their goals. I love to sit and talk with my boys. They make me so happy. They really are a bowl full of joy... most of the time!
Thursday, April 28, 2016
What Helps?
When going through something(s) like this hulla baloo I am experiencing, what helps?
1. Family love
- I cannot even begin to tell you how Logan and Skipper and Brandon and Carrie have been there for us. Just this morning, Brandon talked me off the ledge, or off the sledge hammer.
2. True friends
- I've never had many friends (like real friends). I can count them on my hands, and not even using all ten fingers. But the friends that I have are Heaven-sent, and I mean that literally. They have been hand-picked for me. The texts, the cards, the emails, the notes in the mail, the times they've listened to me cry, the food, the treats, the gift cards. The list goes on and on. But, I am blessed to have friends who love me despite the fact that I am not perfect.
3. My Babies
- The boys that I have been gifted with are extraordinary. I love them more than I can describe. They make it necessary for me to choose to get up every morning and stay up late at night to work hard. They make me laugh and they make me cry! They are my joy. Real joy comes from motherhood and I am so blessed.
4. Scriptures/Conference Talks/Messages from General Authorities
- How blessed are we that we can go onto our phones and pull up talks or scriptures or short videos from our Apostles and General Authorities. I love to do that during the day at work when I need a boost, and at night before I fall asleep. I love to feel the comfort and the direction that comes from their wisdom and experience.
5. Prayer - Personal and Family
- Family prayer has undoubtedly blessed our home and our family. Kneeling in personal prayer has strengthened me beyond words. The ability that we have to talk to our Heavenly Father is such a blessing.
6. The Temple
- Enough said. It is where I crave to go. It brings me comfort and peace that I cannot feel any place else. It is so needed.
7. Gratitude
- I write in my thankful book everyday. It reminds me of all that I have been blessed with - of tender mercies that occur every day. It really is true that when you begin to count your blessings, they are too numerous to count.
8. Sunshine
- Sitting outside in the sun, playing in the backyard with my boys while listening to the sound of the creek, going to Lagoon with my boys and being in the sun. Even laying in a tanning bed when the sun hasn't shown for a week. I need the sun and it helps me so much.
9. Ability to write
- I have been blessed with the ability to write and write and write my feelings down. Sometimes we just have to get them out of us and onto paper. Writing my feelings down is helping me process them, get them out, then put them away. It helps me so much.
10. Treats
- It's okay to treat myself. If I want a dipped ice cream cone, I am going to get it. And that's ok. If I feel like painting my nails, I am going to do it and that is ok. If I feel like taking a hot bath, I am going to do it and that's ok.
More than anything, my faith keeps me going and those who surround us with love and patience and kindness and warmth have kept me away from the ledge, literally. We got this!
1. Family love
- I cannot even begin to tell you how Logan and Skipper and Brandon and Carrie have been there for us. Just this morning, Brandon talked me off the ledge, or off the sledge hammer.
2. True friends
- I've never had many friends (like real friends). I can count them on my hands, and not even using all ten fingers. But the friends that I have are Heaven-sent, and I mean that literally. They have been hand-picked for me. The texts, the cards, the emails, the notes in the mail, the times they've listened to me cry, the food, the treats, the gift cards. The list goes on and on. But, I am blessed to have friends who love me despite the fact that I am not perfect.
3. My Babies
- The boys that I have been gifted with are extraordinary. I love them more than I can describe. They make it necessary for me to choose to get up every morning and stay up late at night to work hard. They make me laugh and they make me cry! They are my joy. Real joy comes from motherhood and I am so blessed.
4. Scriptures/Conference Talks/Messages from General Authorities
- How blessed are we that we can go onto our phones and pull up talks or scriptures or short videos from our Apostles and General Authorities. I love to do that during the day at work when I need a boost, and at night before I fall asleep. I love to feel the comfort and the direction that comes from their wisdom and experience.
5. Prayer - Personal and Family
- Family prayer has undoubtedly blessed our home and our family. Kneeling in personal prayer has strengthened me beyond words. The ability that we have to talk to our Heavenly Father is such a blessing.
6. The Temple
- Enough said. It is where I crave to go. It brings me comfort and peace that I cannot feel any place else. It is so needed.
7. Gratitude
- I write in my thankful book everyday. It reminds me of all that I have been blessed with - of tender mercies that occur every day. It really is true that when you begin to count your blessings, they are too numerous to count.
8. Sunshine
- Sitting outside in the sun, playing in the backyard with my boys while listening to the sound of the creek, going to Lagoon with my boys and being in the sun. Even laying in a tanning bed when the sun hasn't shown for a week. I need the sun and it helps me so much.
9. Ability to write
- I have been blessed with the ability to write and write and write my feelings down. Sometimes we just have to get them out of us and onto paper. Writing my feelings down is helping me process them, get them out, then put them away. It helps me so much.
10. Treats
- It's okay to treat myself. If I want a dipped ice cream cone, I am going to get it. And that's ok. If I feel like painting my nails, I am going to do it and that is ok. If I feel like taking a hot bath, I am going to do it and that's ok.
More than anything, my faith keeps me going and those who surround us with love and patience and kindness and warmth have kept me away from the ledge, literally. We got this!
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
BTW. FYI.
I have a strong testimony of my Heavenly Father. I have a strong testimony of His son, Jesus Christ. I have a strong testimony of prayer, of the Priesthood, of the Atonement, of Prophets. But I don't have a strong testimony of my ability to HEAR and to SEE and to DO. I have been struggling SO much the last few weeks. I cannot for the life of me figure out what I am supposed to be doing about my marriage. Josh is wanting to get back together, as if nothing happened. BTW, something(s) did happen. FYI. He is wanting to go to couple's counseling together. Although I haven't had a great feeling about it and I don't really ever have good feelings when I am around him, I can't figure out if I'm supposed to be doing those things. I have prayed my ever-living-guts out about this. I have sat in the Celestial Room, praying my ever-living-guts out about this. I have prayed day and night - rarely sleeping. I have told Heavenly Father that I will do whatever He wants me to do if He will just tell me what that is! Please!
I feel like it is so easy for others on the outside to tell me exactly what I should be doing. It's easy for them. Yes, I see that everyone who actually loves me only wants what is best for my children and I. I am so blessed to be loved. However, when they just go right on and tell me exactly what I am supposed to do, I wonder how it is that they feel so confident in what they are saying and I don't! It's MY trashed life, after all!
Monday, B.Beck texted me. I told her what I just wrote. She asked, "When you asked Josh to leave, did you feel guided to do so?" I responded with, "Absolutely." She replied with, "Heavenly Father was guiding you. He's pretty consistent." Oh. I suppose that's true. Actually, I know that's true. I thought about it all day yesterday, all night last night, and most of the day today. I talked to my sons about it last night in Family Home Evening. Heavenly Father has never said, "Whoopsie, I was actually not quite right about that." OR "Ooops a daisy. I messed up on that." He doesn't mess up. He doesn't waiver. He doesn't change His mind. He told me months ago that Josh did not belong in our home. I held firm and asked him to leave, before knowing he was having a baby in June with someone else. Just because he isn't happy with the outcome of his choices doesn't mean I have to pay the debt for him.
...
A beautiful woman that I work with at my part time job came to me a couple of weeks ago while we were working together. She asked me how I was really doing, as if I am faking it til I make it... BTW I am. I told her that I had never been better. She laughed. She told me that she had just completed a class that changed her life. She told me that she had experienced a horrible event with her husband cheating on her with her best friend ELEVEN years prior. Her daughters noticed that she was just "coasting" through life, but that the light in her was gone and that she wasn't really living. They asked her to please get help. She chose to go to this class. Then, she asked me a question that stuck like a brain-sized wad of gum in my head for a week: "What is YOUR responsibility in this, Heidi?" WTH! WTF! GTG! I was speechless. She walked away. I thought, "Ummmm, is she being serious right now? I have zero responsibility in the fact that my dishonest, cheating husband got someone else pregnant AND left his family!" FYI. A week later, she and I worked together again. She said, "Heidi, my responsibility in my situation was that my husband was always flirty with my friends and I never said anything to him. I never told him my feelings about it. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have cheated even if I had told him, but I didn't voice my concerns. I have learned that about myself and forgiven myself. But, knowing what my part in it was has helped me to heal." I thought, "Well good for you!"
That thought that was a brain-sized wad of gum was still in my head. I thought about that constantly and then it hit me! I have ALWAYS stayed in when I should have walked away. When I should have left, and had every single right to walk away, I stayed in. I have always believed that I could love people enough to change them. I have always thought that I could make people want to do the right things. I married someone who left marks on my long before we were married. He would stop. I would show him that he was safe and that he didn't need to hurt me, or our unborn children. I stayed in. I married someone who had cheated on his first wife. HELLO Heidi. I stayed in. I could certainly change him. I would love him better. I stayed in. I married someone who I knew was talking to other girls the entire time we were dating. I would show him that marriage and family were optimal and that this was better than random strange girls who didn't really care and who weren't supportive like I was. I stayed in.
I never needed to stay in! I was worth it. I still am. I had decided that I was someone else's used garbage before all of this, therefore I wasn't worthy of someone who actually honored his Priesthood, someone who actually didn't cheat or lie or hurt. I was worthy of someone who knew how to love and showed it everyday. I didn't need to stay and I don't need to now.
...
I have parents (four of them), brothers (five of them), sisters (three of them), grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins who have stayed in with me and I could not be more grateful. They must be exhausted. I have four boys who are - princes, warriors, earthly angels. They continue to stay in with their mama. There are times when we need to stay in, but I have no doubt that Heavenly Father does NOT expect us to stay in when we are being hurt, when we are being betrayed, when we are being lied to, when we are being treated like less than the children of God we are.
Heavenly Father only needs to answer us once, because He doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't change His mind.
BTW. FYI.
I feel like it is so easy for others on the outside to tell me exactly what I should be doing. It's easy for them. Yes, I see that everyone who actually loves me only wants what is best for my children and I. I am so blessed to be loved. However, when they just go right on and tell me exactly what I am supposed to do, I wonder how it is that they feel so confident in what they are saying and I don't! It's MY trashed life, after all!
Monday, B.Beck texted me. I told her what I just wrote. She asked, "When you asked Josh to leave, did you feel guided to do so?" I responded with, "Absolutely." She replied with, "Heavenly Father was guiding you. He's pretty consistent." Oh. I suppose that's true. Actually, I know that's true. I thought about it all day yesterday, all night last night, and most of the day today. I talked to my sons about it last night in Family Home Evening. Heavenly Father has never said, "Whoopsie, I was actually not quite right about that." OR "Ooops a daisy. I messed up on that." He doesn't mess up. He doesn't waiver. He doesn't change His mind. He told me months ago that Josh did not belong in our home. I held firm and asked him to leave, before knowing he was having a baby in June with someone else. Just because he isn't happy with the outcome of his choices doesn't mean I have to pay the debt for him.
...
A beautiful woman that I work with at my part time job came to me a couple of weeks ago while we were working together. She asked me how I was really doing, as if I am faking it til I make it... BTW I am. I told her that I had never been better. She laughed. She told me that she had just completed a class that changed her life. She told me that she had experienced a horrible event with her husband cheating on her with her best friend ELEVEN years prior. Her daughters noticed that she was just "coasting" through life, but that the light in her was gone and that she wasn't really living. They asked her to please get help. She chose to go to this class. Then, she asked me a question that stuck like a brain-sized wad of gum in my head for a week: "What is YOUR responsibility in this, Heidi?" WTH! WTF! GTG! I was speechless. She walked away. I thought, "Ummmm, is she being serious right now? I have zero responsibility in the fact that my dishonest, cheating husband got someone else pregnant AND left his family!" FYI. A week later, she and I worked together again. She said, "Heidi, my responsibility in my situation was that my husband was always flirty with my friends and I never said anything to him. I never told him my feelings about it. That doesn't mean he wouldn't have cheated even if I had told him, but I didn't voice my concerns. I have learned that about myself and forgiven myself. But, knowing what my part in it was has helped me to heal." I thought, "Well good for you!"
That thought that was a brain-sized wad of gum was still in my head. I thought about that constantly and then it hit me! I have ALWAYS stayed in when I should have walked away. When I should have left, and had every single right to walk away, I stayed in. I have always believed that I could love people enough to change them. I have always thought that I could make people want to do the right things. I married someone who left marks on my long before we were married. He would stop. I would show him that he was safe and that he didn't need to hurt me, or our unborn children. I stayed in. I married someone who had cheated on his first wife. HELLO Heidi. I stayed in. I could certainly change him. I would love him better. I stayed in. I married someone who I knew was talking to other girls the entire time we were dating. I would show him that marriage and family were optimal and that this was better than random strange girls who didn't really care and who weren't supportive like I was. I stayed in.
I never needed to stay in! I was worth it. I still am. I had decided that I was someone else's used garbage before all of this, therefore I wasn't worthy of someone who actually honored his Priesthood, someone who actually didn't cheat or lie or hurt. I was worthy of someone who knew how to love and showed it everyday. I didn't need to stay and I don't need to now.
...
I have parents (four of them), brothers (five of them), sisters (three of them), grandparents, aunties, uncles, and cousins who have stayed in with me and I could not be more grateful. They must be exhausted. I have four boys who are - princes, warriors, earthly angels. They continue to stay in with their mama. There are times when we need to stay in, but I have no doubt that Heavenly Father does NOT expect us to stay in when we are being hurt, when we are being betrayed, when we are being lied to, when we are being treated like less than the children of God we are.
Heavenly Father only needs to answer us once, because He doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't change His mind.
BTW. FYI.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Monday, April 25, 2016
Braxton's One-on-One
Braxton had his one-on-one with Grandma and Papa on Saturday morning. They ate an enormous breakfast and then went and got some running shoes.
Sometimes I have to stop and look at my Peanut and realize how lucky I am to have him around. Two months ago, I was told that he might not make it. He was oh, so sick. He was drowning in his own blood. I was terrified. I cannot imagine my life without this boy of mine. He is such a gentleman. He is a comedian. He is so genuine, and so sensitive. He is attitude with a flare. He is such a hardworker and such a great handyman!
Oh, how I love him. And his Grandma and Papa.
Sometimes I have to stop and look at my Peanut and realize how lucky I am to have him around. Two months ago, I was told that he might not make it. He was oh, so sick. He was drowning in his own blood. I was terrified. I cannot imagine my life without this boy of mine. He is such a gentleman. He is a comedian. He is so genuine, and so sensitive. He is attitude with a flare. He is such a hardworker and such a great handyman!
Oh, how I love him. And his Grandma and Papa.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Surprises
Stress has caused my hair to literally burn off and fall out and completely break off. It was not pretty. I was so self-conscious about it. So, back down the street to the hair girl I was sent. My boss was literally terrified that I was going to come back looking like Sinead. I was too. I asked the hair girl if she was going to have to buzz it. She said she didn't know yet. Then she started cutting. I actually love it. Like, a lot.
I got home from my jobs at 11 last night and found this note and a superhero cake from my 16 1/2 year old. I cried a little. Or a lot. I unloaded the dishwasher as quietly as I could, all the while thinking how blessed I am to be a mom to these four gems. I absolutely love them. I am so lucky!!
And, my weeds. They need to grow! I love sitting outside with them for lunch every day. I love the sun and the slight breeze. I love that people walk by and see me sitting there and just smile. I love my weeds!
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