Just Sit With It

Yesterday was a rough one for me, Guys.

I woke up late, because I got to sleep in!

I immediately felt my chest in the throws of anxiety and depression.

It's a familiar feeling... one that I have had far too many times in the past.

My go-to was always to message a dude... for real.

If I could talk to a dude, then I was positive those feelings would go away.

I'm an addict, remember?!

Well, I didn't message a dude.

I sat with it.

I made breakfast.

I cleaned the kitchen.

Then, I went and took a nap.

I woke up with the same feeling.

Those familiar associates of mine - Depression and Anxiety - were lingering still.

I made lunch and went outside to read my book.

I took Doby with me.

I read and I sat in the wind and the rain.

Lila brought dinner over.

I ate.

Then I messaged my sponsors and told them where I was at and what I was feeling.

I was learning to sit with it.

Because these are NORMAL human feelings! NORMAL humans have these feelings all the time!

It's okay to sit with them and feel them and just be.

It's okay!!

I did my laundry and took some medicine and laid down in my bed, with my window open while I watched and listened to the huge rainstorm. 

I did three guided meditations.

I tried to protect my brain from the fireworks.

It didn't work so well.

But, I survived.

I survived it all!

All the normal-ness of those two associates who decided to stay for the entire day.

I wasn't defeated. I wasn't broken. I just was.

Kaydon sent me this picture of a baby rattler while on his hike.

Heidi OUT!

From my reading yesterday in "Eat Love Pray":

In Venice in the Middle Ages there was once a profession for a man called a codega - a fellow you hired to walk in front of you at night with a lit lantern, showing you the way, scaring off thieves and demons, bringing you confidence and protection through the dark streets..."

I think we have a Codega in the form of a Savior that walks in front of us at all times.

Mars & KK & Rand, Oh My!!

First of all...

Mars is home! 

He got home Monday night.

He has an entire summer of rehab and therapy and rest ahead of him.

But, it feels good to have the village back together.

Second, this handsome boy of mine stopped by Tuesday. 

He went to the Ogden Temple to do baptisms.

The Bountiful Temple is closed for cleaning and such.

He said it was packed... like there was a three hour wait.

He was able to baptize three groups and loved it.

He inspires me and amazes me with his faith and courage and strength.

Rand drove up from Orem on Tuesday to take me to lunch.

Most of you know Rand from the stroke.

He and I were dating when I had the stroke.

We had been dating for just a couple of months.

He was then a full-time resident of the IMC 12th Floor with me until I was discharged.

He was there when I took my first steps. He was there when I ate my first meal by myself.

But before those miracles, he bathed me, did my hair, brushed my teeth, got me to and from the bathroom, fed me, rolled me over, did all physical and occupational therapy with me, took me for strolls in the wheelchair, played music for me, decorated the room, read to me day and night, cheered me on in every single aspect of my recovery... all the while running a business and caring for my boys.

I was discharged to his guardianship until I was cleared to go home to my children.

We then broke up, but he has remained a constant, supportive fixture in my children's lives and in mine.

We have a bond that is pretty special.

We are dear friends who support one another and who are brutally honest, in the most Heidi and Rand way possible, with each other.

We had a great lunch, full of laughter, real talk and support for one another.

I am so grateful that he is part of our village.

My boys love him and he loves them.

He is 100% supportive of my treatment and recovery and I am always 100% supportive of Rand doing Rand.

Each time we see each other, he talks a little more about his feelings from the stroke and how it all affected him.

Yesterday, he said that he wanted so badly to talk about issues in our relationship... but I was still learning how to talk again. 

In the past, he has told me that his mind was so chaotic as he was told I would probably die by the doctors initially. He could only think of advocating for my comfort care and figuring out how to adopt my boys and move them to Orem and get them into school and get them situated while burying their mom.

My heart breaks for those who have been affected greatly by things in my life.

I will never forget the first time I took my first steps. He began to cry loudly (a rejoicing cry that you only read about in scripture). Then he ran from his spot where he was sitting, watching, to the walkway I was practicing on and lifted me up into the air, crying for joy with pride and gratitude.

That made the therapists cry.

We were all crying. 

As Sweet Michael was sitting in his wheelchair, never to walk again, clapping loudly for me.

It was a moment that is cemented in my memory.

My quote from my current book, "Eat Pray Love:"

To fight against that compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence...

Be loneyly... learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never use again another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.

This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

Re-habbing...

Re-habbing.

That's a word, right?

It should be the name of a television show on Court TV, or whatever it is called now that it's switched hands at least four or five times since I watched the entire Jodi Arias trial on that channel...

I've always ALWAYS been a bit of an addict to real-life hot mess television: 

Intervention, 48 Hours, Forensic Files

Just the other day, as I was sitting on the toilet contemplating the purpose of life and why it was so dang hard to push out whatever I had eaten, I thought about the irony in the fact that I am an addict to the show "Intervention."

 I'm an addict. Addicted to watching other addicts and their hot mess of a life... all the while ignoring the fact that I've been an addict for a good 20+ years... my mom told me Saturday it's been a good 27 years or so... and my life is a hot mess of a life!

I always felt so much empathy for the characters on that show. 

I never could understand why they just wouldn't stop huffing canned air or drinking vodka ALL day long or selling their bodies in order to find their next hit of heroine. I never could understand how they would just allow their children to be taken from them because they couldn't, or wouldn't in my mind, just stop whatever it was they were doing.

I mean, what did they NOT see?

The rest of us are watching that show, thinking:

How could you do that to your kids?

How could you just let your kids be raised by other people?

Aren't your kids worth you going to rehab and getting better?

And all the while, I was an addict and didn't even recognize it.

Pathetic.

Shameful.

Embarrassing.

And now, enlightening.

And now, breathtakingly sad.

I have been sent books over the last week.

If you know me, you know I'm not a reader unless I want to be!

Right now, I can't get enough of it on my lunch breaks and on the treadmill!!

Current book: Eat Pray Love

Today, while sitting in the weeds and no longer judging the house across the street because they are literally ME in so many ways, I read this:

...Almost two solid decades I have been entwined in some kind of drama with some kind of guy. Each overlapping in the next, with never so much as a week's breather in between. And I can't help but think that's been something of a liability on my path to maturity... I have boundary issues with men... I disappear into the person I "love." I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have EVERYTHING. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else. 

And, as I read this I could only picture one thing:

Me.

I am exhausted and depleted.

I am ready to break this crazy cycle that is me and my life.

The other thing I thought was relief.

Like, the deepest tummy breath I have ever taken was taken outside, under the slight shade of a dying tree on the side of our building.

Why?
Because I'm NOT ALONE.

Since reading some addiction testimonials at the end of last week, I was so sure that I was the only human being on the face of the earth with this addiction. Not a good feeling, Peeps.

But now, I feel a little less alone. 

A little less scared.

And I have the words that my mind and my heart have been feeling for decades.

Decades.

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Note: My kid is not great at sending pictures!


Buenos días a todos! 

How is everyone doing today?? I hope you are all doing well. I have just had the craziest week but it is always the "craziest week" so I guess that isnt anything new. I continue to learn a lot of lessons and improve every day. We saw a lot of miracles this week too. Prayers have been answered for sure!

The miracle that I want to share with you guys is about service. We were working like normal and it was getting a little late so we decided to take a quick break in the church and head out after. And we entered the church and the youth were there doing their activity and all of a sudden my companion grabs my arm and we turn around and there is a young girl from Haiti sitting on the bench closest to the door to walk into the church. And we went over and talked to her. I tried using the little bit of french and creole that I know to communicate a little bit easier with her and it worked until I ran out of phrases. But the main point is she ended up coming to the church because she was freezing. Her body was trembling and she didnt have a heavy coat or very good shoes.

She was alone, she didnt come to Chile with family or friends and lives alone. She doesnt have a job and she doesnt have much to live off of. So I did what I could have done in this moment. I gave her my scarf, my gloves, and a beanie we had found in the church and then we fed her. We made some quick quesadillas and some juice and she finally showed a smile. That was what I was waiting for and my companion and I knew what we did was worth it and it was small but big.

That is about all for this week boys and girls, tune in next week for the adventures of Elder J and Elder C here in Chile!

Elder Jorgensen

Finishing Up June

The weekend was crazy-busy!

I am sad that I didn't take pictures of all of it.

It was a great couple of days!

Yesterday, we had family dinner at Brandon and Carrie's.

The babies are just the greatest people to have ever been born.

I'm seriously in love with their smiles and sounds and loves and hugs and silliness.

Anson sat next to me on the stairs while I talked to Delilah on the phone for a good 20 minutes.

I tickled his back and he just sat right next to me... almost like my little angel. No coincidences.

Yesterday was Day 5 in a row of going to the gym again.

My body is strong.

My mind is stronger.

My spirit is even stronger.

Colton and I went to Sandy on Saturday.

We went to Papa and Grandma's first.

We HAD to meet Max.

Max is the newest member of the family and he is SO loved already!

He is cute, but naughty!

Just the way I like him!!

Aunt Tif was there, too. She was working.

Colton is Aunt Tif's biggest fan. For real.

My boys love their aunt and uncle.

She made Colton a necklace and he is in Heaven!

I got a pedicure with my mom.

It's our birthday tradition.

So fun!

And, I had the opportunity to apologize to both sets of parents in person.

This is a HUGE part of repentance.

For the first time in about six months, I was at church.

With Kaydon and Colton.

For the first time in about eighteen months, I went to all classes.

I felt my Savior's love.

"No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, God will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character to do so... He will always stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them."

The Things You Learn When You're Finally Learning

I feel 30 pounds lighter.
Literally and figuratively.

The weight that has been removed from my body and my spirit just by being open, honest, real and raw is unbelievable.

Not having to hide and live two lives - the me that I tried to show to everyone every day and the me that was hiding and lying and thinking I had everything under control.

It was exhausting.

Draining.

Terrifying.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

And now, they're gone.

My "new" life is one that finds me with sponsors.

It finds me telling them about my bad choices right away and then moving forward.

It also finds me in deep sorrow as I finally recognize fully the hurt, angst, anxiety, despair, anger, fear, heartbreak that I have caused so many people.

My mom called last night and told me that she loved me. She didn't like me. But she loved me.

I understood.

I really understood.

I took Colton swimming yesterday.

He swam while I read the first of many books that I will be reading and studying.

This book is called, "Eat Pray Love."
I'm sure you have heard about it.

I am only on page 19.

But I'm only on page 19 because when Colton asked me to get in the pool, I actually got in.

When he asked me to play Scrabble with him again last night, I actually played again.

When he asked me to eat dinner with him, I actually did it.

Those are the best possible reasons to be only on page 19!

My favorite quotes from the book so far are:

To fight against the compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence.

I chopped the fantasy off in mid-word. This was not my moment to be seeking romance and to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment... You don't need to know the final answer right now... Because God loves you... Because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer... So that, when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is always coming, Dear One. 

Pre-Recovery

Dear Ones,

I am blogging about my recover, my life, my challenges, my ups and downs (because every recovering addict will have them). I am being raw, open, honest, humble, and real.  For once. Real.

This journey may not be one you want to follow.

But, it's my journal and it's my journey.

I NEED to be 100% real and raw throughout this journey.

No more hiding behind a smile that is fake.

Me.

All me.

I am awaiting a phone call from Family Services to begin my recovery process, my treatment program.

Until then, I have started my pre-recovery.

I made a list of five categories that I will concentrate on every single day.

The next day, I "report" or journal each category. I write about what I did do, what I didn't do and what I struggled with. Honestly. Openly.

Then, I send a picture of that report to my three sponsors. 

This is me being accountable.

It also helps me because I know that as I go through my day and I am struggling, I have agreed to and promised to be accountable to me and to my sponsors honestly.

It also helps me to stay in the present.

Yesterday is gone. I don't yet have to worry about tomorrow.

I'm in today and today matters.

Last night, after meeting with my bishop, I took Colton to get a snow cone.

The boys and I used to do this constantly when they were younger.

It felt SO good to be doing it again.

Sitting outside with my youngest.

Watching him be so excited about the rainbow of colors in his snow cone.

Not checking my phone at all.

Just being in the moment.