Miss Sarah always says that all of us are still on training wheels... and we always will be. It's so true, but I like to think that I can be riding a two-wheeler with no hands by this afternoon. It's pretty much setting myself up for disappointment. I love lessons. I am beginning to be more open to lessons. I hope I can articulate some of those today in a way that really illustrates my feelings accurately.
As a single parent, I think that (at least for me) I feel like I need to be on two-wheels, riding without hands, right now because I'm all my kids have. I'm it. The buck starts and stops with me. If I don't have my crap together, then what will happen to my babes? I feel like it's all MY job. I feel like it's all MY responsibility and if I don't do it right the first time, we are all doomed. I have rarely been open to having other people tell me how I should do it different or better because in my heart, that's always actually meant that they are judging me and feel that I'm awful in every possible way. This is obviously just my perception and probably an inaccurate assumption. Nonetheless, it's been my thinking for 18 years.
So, opening my heart and my mind to people who love me and who love my kids and being willing to learn from their words and their actions has been a big step for me. And I have noticed that it's relieved some pressure and allowed me to take a deep breath. It's been freeing and loving and so important.
Some of the things I am going to say in this post are unimaginably personal. As I have thought about them, I have reminded myself that this is my journal. It's public. But, it's my journal. I ask that you be respectful of my children. This is not THEIR journal. It's mine.
Lessons Learning:
1- Discipline/punishment: I have four teenage boys, People. I don't spank them, although I do butt slap them now and then and shout, "Good Game!" I don't wash their mouths out with soap. But, I do take away privileges. I have never had an issue with them being late (probably because for every minute they are late is one hour grounded). But, they would be grounded. The three oldest are dealt with mostly by communication, by talking, by explaining, by telling them to "check themself before they wreck themself." Colton, however, is different. He functions at an age much younger than his physical age. A couple of weeks ago, there was an issue at school. It was brought to my attention via email. The email made it sound like it was horrible. So, I told them I would punish him at home for the actions. I spoke to Randy about it as he was asking how the boys' days were. He asked me to take a breath, clarify through email what happened, etc., then talk to Colton PRIOR to laying out punishment. Mind you, NO ONE tells me how to handle my children. But, I listened. It turned out that the teacher had a rough day and explained that Colton was struggling with the week since it was a short week and school and he was getting restless with the change of schedule. Had I not listened, I would have punished him for something that simply needed to be talked about.
Sunday, we were over at Randy's house. Colton got very frustrated with a game and threw a controller and yelled. I quickly stood up, grabbed his arm and dragged him up the stairs. He weighs twice as much as I do. I sat him on the guest room bed, told him that his behavior was unacceptable. I told him he would be in time out for 10 minutes then I left. As I was leaving, he asked how long then yelled, "RANDY!!!" I went in to the kitchen to talk to Jackson. I could hear conversation going on down the hall, but ignored it. Randy came out and quietly asked me what the purpose of the time out was. I told him that he was being punished and that he needed time to cool off. He asked me if it would be okay if he tried a different process. I wanted to tell him, "Hell no, it's not okay!!" But, I didn't. I told him I trusted him. I heard more discussion, then I heard Colton go downstairs. I remained in the kitchen. Randy came in later and I asked him what I should know... He said, "Rather than having him sit in a room and in a minute forget why he is in there, why don't we tell him that he needs to be responsible for his actions and put him back in the situation." Colton was great the rest of the night.
2- My Kaydon has a temper. When he's mad, he's MAD. He was MAD on Sunday. He punched Colton in the car on the way to Orem. I was livid. We got to the house and he promptly sat in the front room alone. I went in and told Randy that Kaydon was not a happy camper. I told him that we should just let him be. Then, I went in (totally against what I had just said) and told Kaydon we'd be eating then playing poker. At that point, Kaydon said (loudly), "I am NOT playing poker!" Okidoki. From that point on as I made the salad, Randy would peak in there and ask him what he was playing on his phone, etc. Then, Randy asked him to take a break and set the table. He jumped right up and did it! He didn't talk to either of us, but he did as he was asked. Then, he devoured dinner and then went back in to the front room. He was in the front room for 5 minutes, then came in and asked Randy to go play poker with him. That was that. Done. That is not how I would have handled it. Period.
3- Sweet Braxton has had a HARD year or so. Hard. He has been very depressed and has had bouts of feeling suicidal. We have prayed for him and fasted for him. He has been at the doctor weekly. I met with his school counselor yesterday. His grades are very low and he has been dark and down. (Please look at the picture above... that smile!!) He and I have had a few conversations the last couple of weeks where I have began to converse with him and he will stop me and say, "I just want to talk to Randy about this." WTH?!?! Ummm... I'm the mom. Why wouldn't you want to talk to me?? I'm the parent!! People, this is hard stuff for me. It's always been me. Yesterday, when I went to meet with his counselor, he asked me if Randy was coming. I said, "No! I didn't even know you were coming!" Prior to the meeting, Randy called me and he and I talked about objectives for the meeting, so I felt really prepared. But, Brax felt that he needed Randy there, so I got him on speaker phone. From that point forward, Braxton was self-advocating and speaking with confidence about his needs. I sat back and let them do their thing. My mama heart was softened and so thankful. At one point, the counselor mentioned testing for "disabilities." Braxton checked out. Randy (on speaker) said, "Heidi, take me off speaker and let me talk to Braxton." The counselor was still talking... (Awkward!!!) Then he said, "Nevermind. Hey, we don't need to talk about disabilities. The testing would be for data. Brax, nothing to worry about. No disabilities. Just data." That was all B needed. At another point, the counselor asked Braxton if he felt he could communicate with all of this teachers. Braxton was silent for a few seconds. Randy said, "Don't lie, bud." Braxton then expressed some troubles with two teachers and self-advocated for changes. I marveled at the "success" of this meeting. The "success" for me was in the fact that my boy smiled, spoke with passion, and was able to discuss his own needs and goals. After that meeting, the two of them talked on the phone, he hugged me and told me he loved me and went to class. Later that day, he texted me and told me he was thinking about trying out for baseball, but that he wanted to talk to Randy about it. Okay. Okay. It's all okay.
4- Jackson has always been the man of the house. He has always been selfless and has always worried about his brothers and his mama. Sunday, I brought up for the thousandth time that Randy and I wanted a list for Christmas. He just rolled his eyes. Randy jumped in and said, "Bud, what do you need?" Jackson then expressed that this was the hardest thing he had ever done. He was physically sick trying to think of things for himself. By the end of the night, we had three items and a smiling boy.
5- Heavenly Father is aware of us. I say this all the time. He knows us. He knows our needs. He has given each and every one of us the opportunity to be vessels and instruments for Him. He has also allowed us to be on training wheels and to have that be okay. I am learning to be humble and to be allowing. I am learning to allow love and help in to our lives (which is really hard! We don't have a great track record!!) I haven't allowed people in to my boys' lives for this reason. But, here we are. Doing. Believing. Trusting. Allowing.
