Letter to ME

Dear Heidi Ray-

Heeeeyyyy!!! You had a follow-up doctor's appointment yesterday. Dr. E is proud of you! And, I am proud of you too!! You have had a chaotic few weeks in your personal life and guess what?!?! You made good choices and you did the right thing for you and for your boys! Good job, Sis!! But, we do have some work to do. When red flags come up, look at them... notice them... and RUN! You are a runner, afterall!

Tomorrow, your oldest boy is graduating from high school. You are emotional, which is FINE! It's okay to be worried and sad and anxious. It's also okay to be so damn proud of that boy! You have done a great job, Heidi Ray. Your boy is smart, kind, hard-working, funny, respectful, honorable and just the greatest oldest son of all time. He is going places! So, it's okay if you heart bursts tomorrow and tears flow freely. It's ok!

Today, we had another barbecue. Beyta and Mr. Watkins grilled and you served. RJ is retiring. You were a little emotional. Sometimes it's hard when people are leaving... especially after P left. It always feels like he ought to be here... he is would give a humiliating speech and would choke up a bit. He would have everyone laughing, including you. But, to watch how the other guys have stepped up to take care of you is awe-inspiring. They each have their role, it appears. Nothing will ever happen to you... because of them.

Tomorrow starts your birthday month... another first without P. He will be close by, for sure! It will be the happiest, most celebrated month ever! You and the boys are doing just fine, thank you very much!

Memorial Day

Yes, our Memorial Day and weekend involved more than just these two definitions of perfection. But...

Last Step!

Jackson had his wisdom teeth out on Friday.

Four is easier than seven (Braxton)!

Jackson was in and out in 20 minutes. My favorite part was when his doctor walked in wearing basketball shorts, a cutoff Nike hoodie and his running shoes. It made me giggle. My second favorite part was when Jackson refused the ice pack I got for him because he wanted a "turbin." He was not about to settle for anything less than a dang "turbin."

What do they give these people when they have their wisdom teeth out?! I need to get me some!

This is the last step before he finishes up his interviews and puts his mission papers in!

Friday Favorites - This Family

Brandon and Carrie have made THE most beautiful family - full of love, laughter, organization, beauty, hard work, team work, lots of diapers, lots of naked babies running around because they don't want a diaper put on them, lots of crockpot meals, lots of sleepiness, lots of toys everywhere... And I could not be more grateful to be a part of it! I love these four to the moon and back!

Spring Softball

We pulled off another lunch and softball tournament on Monday.

I love doing this for my guys, and the entire department. But, it is one of the most stressful days of the year for me. It's feeding over 100 people. It's making sure everything is where it needs to be when it needs to be there. It's making sure that my "helpers" are ready to roll. It's making sure restrooms are open and working, softball equipment is ready to go, there is plenty of drinks for old guys playing softball. It's making sure I keep my emotions in check because I'm missing P. It's making sure I just enjoy the smiles on everyone's faces and realizing that this is all worth it.

When I got to work on Monday, I stopped by Vince's office. I told him that this was a day when I am maybe slightly more high-strung and on edge. Billiam poked his head in and told Vince and he, Mr. Watkins, and Ernie would help him out with my looks... lol... you know, when I give "the look" it's time for people to jump in to action. That was always P's job. Now, it falls on everyone else. Just getting out of the grocery store with eight carts packed full is a trip... then loading them into the truck without anything spilling out is another adventure. Making everything on-site and not losing my mind... you get the picture.

Rock's crew was already grilling when we arrived. The canopies and tables were already set up. Restrooms were open and stocked. There was a cold Diet Coke waiting for me. I made salads while Vince and Billiam loaded coolers with ice, soda, water, and my salad dressings and yogurts that needed to stay cold. Cookies, rolls, salads, fruit trays, and steak sauce was set out on tables. I ate about two entire steaks in "tastes." Those guys know just how to make this girl happy! I don't think I even needed to give any looks the whole day! The weather could not have been better. The three softball games were fun and competitive and so entertaining. Sit this girl at a ball game and I am at my HAPPIEST.

P, I miss you everyday. Doing things without you that we always did together doesn't seem to be getting easier. But these guys. Oh, you trained them so well. They know exactly what I need and when I need it. I can't wait to see you play softball again with your guys. I can't wait to hear you heckle the guys at home plate. We miss you!

Anson Turns ONE

Anson James turned ONE yesterday. This beautiful baby is the sweetest, most smiley, most lovey baby of all time. He loves to sit up and be big! He loves to stand and jump jump jump. He loves to watch Big Brother do everything and sometimes gets very jealous when he can't participate! He steals the hearts of everyone immediately! We love this baby to the moon and back!

Temple Day

Saturday morning, Jackson and Kaydon met Nana and Pops at the Bountiful Temple. Pops had 40 family names for them to do. They got through 28.

For the first time, Jackson was able to perform all of the baptisms. He described it as very emotional and something that he wishes he could do every single day.

They told me of a long wait, not knowing why it was so long. They told me that the lady at the desk stood to tell them that the wait was due to a father, dying from cancer. His son had just turned 12. The father wanted to participate in baptisms for the dead with his worthy son before he passed through the veil. Jackson asked that they take as long as needed. Jackson said it was very emotional to hear her tell them of something so sacred and so important between a dying father and his 12 year old son.

Jackson is ready. He is ready to be a worthy and honorable Melchezidek Priesthood holder. He is ready to serve a full-time mission to wherever he is called. He is ready.

Kaydon is beyond excited to be ready. He is following in his brother's footsteps and is the greatest example to our family of worthiness, consistency and honoring the Priesthood which he holds.

Friday Favorites - Belief

Some weeks, it just seems like it's harder to make it to Friday. Then, once we do - it's a sh*t show mess!

That has been this week. Work has been crazy. The boys are SO done with school. Jackson is having his wisdom teeth out next Friday. Then graduation. Colton is done and done with school this year. Braxton is struggling with life. Kaydon is just Kaydon. I have been struggling with my left hand this week... everything is totally fine, but I have come to understand that my left hand is just not as strong as it used to be and certainly not as strong as my right hand. I try not to think about it, but when I do I cry. Then I pick myself back up and keep going. It's just nothing but a thing!

Braxton sat on my bed this week and asked, "What's the point? We are all just here to die anyways!!" Yeah, this mama didn't take lightly to that. I explained to him that we are here for so much more than to just die. I told him that as I laid in the hospital after being told I had just experienced a stroke and I was paralyzed, I thought of all of the things I may not be able to do again. I sobbed as I thought about how I'd never be able to take care of my children again, the house again, my work again. I thought about how I would never be a multi-tasker again. I thought about how I'd never be able to pull my hair back again or curl my hair again or color again. I thought about everything that I "couldn't" or "wouldn't" again. Then I shut myself right up and decided it was time to battle. I told myself every night that in the morning, I would walk. The next morning I woke up. I couldn't walk, but I could talk. Did that make that day a failure? Nope. The next morning, I didn't walk, but I could move my thumb to my index finger. Was that day a failure? Nope. The next morning, I still couldn't walk, but I could swallow. So, was that day a failure? Nope. I could have seen them as failures because I wasn't walking, but instead I saw them as HUGE victories, as big successes, as enormous tender mercies. I saw them as coulds and woulds and dids.

When we believe that who we are and where we are and what we are and why we are is enough, then it becomes enough. It becomes more than enough. When we see our lives as abundant, no matter what our situation is, then it is abundant. And good. And enough. So, today I choose to get through my Friday in abundance and joy and coulds and woulds and dos and dids. Today, I choose to believe in good.

Mother's Day 2018

I had a really delightful weekend.

Friday night, Phil took the boy and I to dinner and then to the Avenger's movie. I have no idea what the movie is about. What I do know is that Thor and Captain America are in it. For that reason, and really that reason alone, I give that movie five stars! Oh, and Phil got me popcorn. Win win.

Saturday morning, I made cookies. I love to make cookies. All kinds of cookies. They are delicious and always made with love and gratitude because there was a time when I couldn't make them by myself. Now I can and I knock it out of the park! Then Phil and I drove to Brandon and Carrie's. They weren't home, but the babies were and they were there with two babysitters. The babes were pretty sad. So each of us took one, soothed them and put them down for naps. My heart broke a little when they were crying! I love those babes to the moon and back. Afterwards, we headed down to Sandy and took Mom and Pops to a late lunch/early dinner at Cafe Rio. Pops and Phil are like best buds... they totally get each other and they make me laugh out loud... loudly! Then, Phil took me to Draper. Have you been to Last Course?? Go! It's so quaint and delicious. It's such a fun place to get dessert! We went home and we played games.

Sunday morning, I woke up with a numb left hand and unable to make a fist. My face also drooped for several hours. I didn't feel sick or dizzy, so I laid down for eight hours. I missed my Jackson speaking and my boys singing in Sacrament Meeting. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Jackson did read me his talk last night, but it was a moment I will never get back and I felt so sad. My boys spoiled me rotten. Jackson got me ice cream cupcakes and an ice cream cake. Colton got me a card that EVERYONE had to sign! Kaydon got me caffeine free Diet Coke and the most thoughtful card. Braxton took out garbage and made sure I was okay all day long. Phil brought be beautiful yellow roses and baby's breath. They are gorgeous. He also brought me a few Diet Cokes. The boys brought home a plant from church as well.

I am immensely grateful to be a mama. In particular, a mama to these children. Oh, the blessings they are in my life!