Thursday, February 28, 2019

Hard Confirmations

The last couple of weeks have been tough for me.
I have felt like I am truly failing at momming, homemaking, cooking, paying bills, my job(s), my health.
I am fully and completely aware that I am different since the stroke.
My brain is broken and will never be what it once was.
I know this to be true. 
And that can be hard.

Sometimes I feel that this is a bit more obvious than at other times.
The last couple of weeks I feel like this truth has been like a spotlight on my fragile self and it's made me feel like I am crumbling under the pressure I put on myself to be unflawed, detail-oriented, multi-task expert, perfect mama, perfect housekeeper, perfect budgeter, perfect cook, perfect friend, perfect employee.

There once was a time when I was considered the best at what I do at my job.
That is not the case anymore.
This stings so much that it is now a dull ache at all times.
When I get worked up about it, symptoms occur and I have to go home and sleep.
Then I worry about going home to sleep.
I worry that I am no longer reliable.
I worry that I am no longer needed.
I worry that I am no longer wanted.
I worry that I will never be any of those things again.
Ever.

And then I crumble.
And I have begun the action of crumbling.

This morning I had a performance evaluation (quarterly).
All of my fears were confirmed.
I am not doing well with detail.
I am not doing well at all with detail.
Without me knowing, responsibilities have been taken away from me.
I can't be relied on in some areas.
This is heart-breaking to me. In so many ways. Heart-breaking.
I feel SO guilty.
I feel SO bad.
I feel SO different than I used to in my abilities at my job. And at home. And everywhere.

I recognize how far I've come since this day.
I know I have.
I wanted so badly to be better that same day.
To be back at work the next day.
To be back to "normal" immediately.

Everything has taken time and I am now recognizing that there is a new normal that is so hard to embrace.
It's Heidi 2.0. 
It has to be good enough.
I have to be okay with it.
And today I'm not.

I won't give up or give in.
But I must find acceptance in some of it so that I can move forward, onward and upward.
And I will.

I am SO grateful for my village who lift me up when I cannot stand, literally.
Who love me just the way I am. And that's a big deal.
Who give me space to throw myself an epic pity party, but expect me to keep them short and sweet.
Who root for my rise, sometimes literally.

We can do hard things.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

A Little Chat

Monday at around 12:30 p.m. our time, I got a Hangouts request from a Jackson Jorgensen.
I thought that I would be able to text him. 
Xavier thought that maybe I'd be able to hear his voice.
We were both wrong.
I got to see his face.
Hear his voice.
Cry with him.

As soon as I saw his face, I let my weeping face fall into my hands.
When I looked up, he was wiping tears.
Oh, to see my boy.

Xavier spoke some crazy Spanish with him.
Xavier said that his Spanish is crazy-good.
Spanish is Xavier's first language and he said that he almost thinks Jackson speaks it better than him.

He is doing SO well.
He is happy.
The children love him.
They always want to touch his hair and look at his eyes.
They are thrilled at how tall he is.
And he's white.
And his hair is blonde.

There are 300 members in his ward.
Only 50 are active.
He said that the ward's only job is to retain and they "suck at it, Mom."
He said that six families that they are teaching showed up to church on Sunday and he gave a 20 minute talk about the Spirit.
Then he told me that he was "able to pass the Sacrament."
I was especially touched at how he was thrilled by passing the Sacrament.
I have never taken for granted watching my four boys take care of the Sacrament duties each week. 

In other ways, though, I was quite grateful that he can only contact us twice every six week cycle. 
I felt out of sorts the rest of the day.
I felt so dang happy, yet a bit sad.
I found that I almost missed him more.

He is where he is supposed to be and I couldn't be more thankful and more proud.
But, man I miss that kid!

Tuesday, February 26, 2019

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos dias!

This week has been so awesome for us! We had everybody we are teaching attend the church yesterday, so it was a little crazy. I also helped pass the sacrament and gave a 15 minute talk so needless to say it was a little hectic.

I´m doing really well. I´ve gotten the hang of spanish for the most part and am also in the process of learning Creol and portugese. My brain hurts and english is almost impossible after a study session of another language. The people continue to be super kind all the time and really like to feed us all that they can. I have gained 5 pounds this week and everyone calls me the blonde giant.

I hope that you are all doing well! It sounds like everyone survived another week!

P.S. Elder Rubio and I decided we are the blue and red power rangers and we had some really awesome cake for a birthday down here.



Monday, February 25, 2019

Two Years of Asher

Two years ago, this sweet and perfect baby boy was born.
His birth mom and dad lovingly gave him to our family for time and all eternity.
I remember being so excited to be have him home so that I could bond with him.
I remember spending nights with Asher Dean so that his mommy and daddy could get some rest. 
His mommy was pregnant with his little brother and having a newborn when you're seven - nine months pregnant is exhausting!
Asher, Auntie loved you from the moment I found out about you.
You have healed hearts.
You have brought so much laughter and giddiness to this family.
Your cousins love you more than life itself.
You have such a cool bond with Kaydon.
Auntie is enamored by you.
Your brown eyes.
Your funny faces.
Your window seal sitting.
Your toilet plunger playing.
Your movie loving.
Your laugh.
Your running up and down the hallway.
Your playful bath time.
Your adventurous, not afraid of anything self.
I love you to the moon and back and am so thankful for every single second with you.
Happy birthday, Sweet Baby.














Friday, February 22, 2019

Two!

This baby boy turns TWO on Monday.
Make it stop!!!!!
Asher Dean is the most independent, creative, imaginative little boy I have ever known.
He is funny, silly, feisty, and so smart.
We love him with every ounce of our souls!

He loves to sit in the window seal, watch Smurf's, swim, play with the toilet plunger, make silly faces and laugh... he loves his daddy and his mommy.
I LOVE that they live so close and we get to see them often!
I miss him being a little infant, and I LOVE watching him grow and develop.
We love you Ashabash!!!











Wednesday, February 20, 2019

Layton High Valentine's Dance 2019

Hailey asked Braxton to Layton High's Valentine's Dance.
They had a lot of fun.
Notice her corsage.
My boys is UBER talented.
Like, majorly talented.

And handsome.
And tall.
And a gentleman.
And my peanut forever and always.








Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos días! Como están?? I hope you are all doing well! I don´t have a whole lot to report on this week but I have a spirtual experience to share. ALSO we are now able to call home on our p days. We can call twice every 6 weeks so we will have to coordinate that.

Bueno, earlier this week Elder Rubio had a really rough night. We woke up and everything was fine but he wasn´t talking to me during planning and I kept on asking what was wrong but he refused to answer. He then went into our bedroom closed the door and stayed there. During this time I had the impression to read my patriarchal blessing and say a little prayer for him. At almost the exact time I finished reading he came out of the room and apologized.

He then started to cry, being the baby that I am I cried too. He then went on to explain that he had a dream that he was going to return home 2 months for he ended his misson. If the dream is correct that would mean he would be leaving in about a week. I then asked if he would like a blessing. He agreed. I then took 5 minutes to prepare myself spirtually and mentally. I then gave him the blessing. For the rest of the day I thought about that and what if I wasn´t ready in that time of need. But I was ready and I was worthy to give that when he needed it. I just thought that was a cool experience.

I hope you are all doing well! I´m so grateful for your emails every week. I get a lot of them so I try my best to answer as many as I can. Please be patient with me if I´m not able to write a whole lot back if I do reply. I love you all and I´m grateful for all of you!

Con mucho amor, 
Elder Jorgensen



Friday, February 15, 2019

Keep Showing Up

I went to the gym Tuesday morning. 
As I do.
As I was finishing up my Yoga, I noticed commotion.
A sweet elderly man who is at the gym every morning had vomited and passed out.
He was conscious again, but he and every single surface around him was covered in vomit.
Never in my life have I seen so much vomit.
Ever.
My mama instincts kicked in and I went to the janitor's closet and got rags and water and a mop.
I desperately wanted to clean him up before the paramedics got there.
But they were fast.

I spent a bit of time helping to clean up the area with the gym employees, then I headed home to get ready for work quickly.
My morning was going as normal until about 11 am when my brain got very, very fuzzy and I became confused and dizzy.
Numbness started in my left hand and was moving up.
Ugh.

I would be unable to drive.
 Barely able to walk.
Kyle came and picked me up and got me in bed where I went to Dreamland for several hours.
When I awoke, I was still tired but the fuzz and dizziness had stayed in Dreamland.

I didn't go to the gym Wednesday or Thursday, which puts me off my routine.
Going to the gym is my time.
It's my time to be strong.
It's my time to reward my body for being so awesome-sauce.
It's my time to listen to whatever music I want to listen to and to work hard.
For me.
Not going puts me in a bit of a funk.

Then yesterday, I got an email from my attending physician at IMC.
It was completed FMLA paperwork for 2109.
I always struggle a bit to read the wording.
'Neurological Disorder' 
'Periods of extreme cognitive fatigue'
'Periods of dizziness, fuzziness, numbness, forgetfulness, inability to perform duties of any kind'

Those can sting a little.
But then I realize that I am SO BLESSED.
I have more good days than bad days.
I am working.
Yes, a few times a month I must leave work early to go home and just sleep.
But it's okay.

And today, I was back at the gym and feeling more like myself!


And, these two.
These were my Valentine's pictures.
These boys have my heart.
I remember holding them for the first time after I couldn't hold them for a while.
It was Heaven.
And everyday since then has been Heaven as well.



Thursday, February 14, 2019

Love 2019

Happy Love Day, Everyone!
Today is a great day for lovers.
Today can be a hard day for singles and those in relationships that are not good.
I know. 
I've been there.
Most of my life!
Therefore I've learned that today is a great day to love yourself!
I mean it!
It's not selfish to love yourself!
Learn about yourself and love yourself.
Once you do, you will attract those who love you - like for real.
And, you will have more love to give.
And that's what brings us joy!!

I was welcomed to work by the most beautiful yellow dozen roses.
Oh my goodness.
They are the most majestic I have EVER seen!
And they are mine.
And a card, candy, Diet Coke, rock, blanket and necklace.
Beautiful morning.

Before I even left the house this morning, Braxton came into my room with this.
I cried.
He hugged me and told me he loved me.
My boys have always been my Valentines.
They are everything that my heart searches for!
They are my whole heart!
I love them so, so much!!

Being a mama and being an auntie is truly the greatest blessing ever.
The love I feel for these humans is infinite and eternal.


Missing this one today.
Missing this one everyday.
So grateful that I know that he is surrounded by a love that can only be given from our Heavenly Father.
He is where he is supposed to be and I love him so big!