A Mom & Her Boys: June 2019

Friday, June 28, 2019

The Things You Learn When You're Finally Learning

I feel 30 pounds lighter.
Literally and figuratively.

The weight that has been removed from my body and my spirit just by being open, honest, real and raw is unbelievable.

Not having to hide and live two lives - the me that I tried to show to everyone every day and the me that was hiding and lying and thinking I had everything under control.

It was exhausting.

Draining.

Terrifying.

Confusing.

Embarrassing.

And now, they're gone.

My "new" life is one that finds me with sponsors.

It finds me telling them about my bad choices right away and then moving forward.

It also finds me in deep sorrow as I finally recognize fully the hurt, angst, anxiety, despair, anger, fear, heartbreak that I have caused so many people.

My mom called last night and told me that she loved me. She didn't like me. But she loved me.

I understood.

I really understood.

I took Colton swimming yesterday.

He swam while I read the first of many books that I will be reading and studying.

This book is called, "Eat Pray Love."
I'm sure you have heard about it.

I am only on page 19.

But I'm only on page 19 because when Colton asked me to get in the pool, I actually got in.

When he asked me to play Scrabble with him again last night, I actually played again.

When he asked me to eat dinner with him, I actually did it.

Those are the best possible reasons to be only on page 19!

My favorite quotes from the book so far are:

To fight against the compression is to open up your life, to create possibility where once there was nothing but pressure.

Opening up space for ourselves is a life-affirming act, a sacred act. I believe we must all be allowed to affirm and open our own lives, in celebration of the miracle of our existence.

I chopped the fantasy off in mid-word. This was not my moment to be seeking romance and to further complicate my already knotty life. This was my moment to look for the kind of healing and peace that can only come from solitude.

True wisdom gives the only possible answer at any given moment... You don't need to know the final answer right now... Because God loves you... Because the only thing you need to do for now is get some rest and take good care of yourself until you do know the answer... So that, when the tempest comes, you'll be strong enough to deal with it. And the tempest is always coming, Dear One.

Thursday, June 27, 2019

Pre-Recovery

Dear Ones,

I am blogging about my recover, my life, my challenges, my ups and downs (because every recovering addict will have them). I am being raw, open, honest, humble, and real. For once. Real.

This journey may not be one you want to follow.

But, it's my journal and it's my journey.

I NEED to be 100% real and raw throughout this journey.

No more hiding behind a smile that is fake.

Me.

All me.

I am awaiting a phone call from Family Services to begin my recovery process, my treatment program.

Until then, I have started my pre-recovery.

I made a list of five categories that I will concentrate on every single day.

The next day, I "report" or journal each category. I write about what I did do, what I didn't do and what I struggled with. Honestly. Openly.

Then, I send a picture of that report to my three sponsors.

This is me being accountable.

It also helps me because I know that as I go through my day and I am struggling, I have agreed to and promised to be accountable to me and to my sponsors honestly.

It also helps me to stay in the present.

Yesterday is gone. I don't yet have to worry about tomorrow.

I'm in today and today matters.

Last night, after meeting with my bishop, I took Colton to get a snow cone.

The boys and I used to do this constantly when they were younger.

It felt SO good to be doing it again.

Sitting outside with my youngest.

Watching him be so excited about the rainbow of colors in his snow cone.

Not checking my phone at all.

Just being in the moment.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

This Girl Won't Stop

This is the cover of the journal which I am keeping daily progress/set-backs in.

My Stephanie sent it to me.

It's perfect.

I want to thank every single person who has forgiven me, encouraged me and loved me... and especially those who continue to do so.

June 24, 2019 is really like a birthday to me.

It's the day that I decided to define my addiction, and determined to never fall back into it.

I have written a list of five items and they are then broken out into what I will do to accomplish each one daily.

Then, the next day I write about what I did or didn't do on that particular item.

Then, I send a picture of the entry to my "sponsors," who include my dad, my brother and my T.

I am ashamed and embarrassed.

I am confused as to how I got to this point and how I could have possibly stayed in this addiction for 20 years, thinking all along that I had it under control.

I am also SO grateful for those who are praying for me and who are in-tune with the Spirit and telling me exactly what Heavenly Father would want me to know. B Beck, Miss Birdie, My Mr. and Mrs. Watkins - who I am positive P is whispering in their ears exactly what to say because I swear they are his words, my Tina, my Jody and so many more.

My Miss Birdie said this to me last night:

You are hard wired for love and belonging and connection.

There is NO shame in that.

I truly believe some of us remember the amazing love we felt

from our Heavenly Parents and spend a lifetime

trying to recreate it unsuccessfully.

You are grasping at anything that will help you recreate the love

that your mind and heart remember.

Satan is using that against you.

It's not defective. The veil could not erase off of the love

you knew because it was so much a part of you as a spirit.

You are NOT hopeless. You have been misguided

on where to find love. You can relearn who will fill your heart with the love

you crave, the love your Spirit remembers.

I cannot describe the peace this brought to my heart.

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Happy New Day

I am not going to go into detail here.

I don't feel it's necessary at this point, and I am trying to be a bit more private right this minute.

I am broken.

I have an addiction.

I have had an addition for 20+ years.

I am ready to get intense, professional help.

For me. For my boys. For our family.

I am scared - terrified really.

I am hopeful.

My heart is literally broken and my spirit is contrite.

I am ready.

I know that this is going to be the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I've done some hard things.

But, I am ready.

To my family and my T:

Thank you for standing beside me and behind me and in front of me.

To my boys:

Mama is ready to be mended, treated, and the very best mama that I can possibly be! The mama you deserve. The mama that I've always wanted to be.

To everyone else:

I will probably be a bit radio silent for a while. You can still purchase Younique from my website and Green Horizen from my website. But, I am not going to be going full-blast for a while. I need to mend myself and my family.

Much love.

Monday, June 24, 2019

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

I added pictures I found on the mission blog.

Buenos dias de nuevo!

This past week was crazy ladies and gents. We made some dumb decisions and we made some really good decisions. So the first thing that happened on monday was we were on our way to our weekly district meeting but we were in another city so we needed to take a bus to get to where we were going. We were only on the bus for about 10 minutes and the bus hit another car and the person in the car busted the drivers side mirror then the driver got out and it was all history from there. What happened to me you ask? I just laughed because this is my life for 2 years and it was like front row seats to a UFC fight but they were both featherweights fighting like heavyweights. Funny stuff!

The drunk guy or Alex is his name was a guy we met as we are out contacting. Yeah long story short, he thinks hes 5,000 years old and knows the mysteries of the unvierse.. ummm yeah and he told us all this while his friend was trying to sell him drugs. I have never been more entertained! Then when we were leaving he gave me a hug and then kissed me on the neck and the empanada that he was eating slid down my neck and I have never been so close to throwing up in my life. Fun times here in chile.

I love you all and hope you have a good week!

Elder Jorgensen

Friday, June 21, 2019

Braids & Such

Oh, these braids.

It's a love/hate relationship.

I love them. They are easy and fun and sassy and spunky.

They are seriously SO fun!

The guys at the gym just get a kick out of them!

I hate that my head is itchy and heavy.

I wash my hair 3-4 times a week.

I discovered today that putting conditioner directly on my scalp is a must!
AND Rose Water!

I love it, really I do.

In fact, I will probably have Lila do it again when she has to take them out.

Thursday, June 20, 2019

Dolly Buttons Arthur

Meet Dolly Buttons Arthur.

She/He (we really have no idea if it's a boy or girl) is a Russian Tortoise.

I only know that because of my dear, sweet Miss Birdie.

Dolly is our newest family member.

Dolly now has an aquarium of her/his own.

Dolly loves to eat kale and carrots and roam the grass and the house.

Dolly also poops a lot, according to Colton.

Dolly is a pretty sweet thing.

Like, I'm in love.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Father's Day Weekend - Let's Not Have A Repeat

Father's Day weekend was a bit rough around the edges.

Saturday was the day that had been scheduled for Matt's ex-wife to move her belongings out of the house and off of the property. Matt had been moving items out and into the garage for days to speed up the process.

It didn't seem to help.

I had such high expectations that it would go smoothly and that the four of us (Matt, Me, Her, and the man that she cheated on Matt with) would be able to have a cordial relationship and be able to handle the move like adults.

In the end, I was exceptionally thankful the kids were not there.

It was ugly, start to finish.

It was emotionally exhausting.

It made me sad.

I am grateful, so grateful, that Matt has sole custody of C-man.

I am grateful that it is done.

I am grateful that we don't have to do that again. Ever.

We took a walk down to the creek on the property to get some energy out and to calm down a bit.

For some reason, it was my first time walking down there.

It was beautiful and peaceful and just what we needed.

The dogs thought so, too.

Sunday brought more adventure.

While trying to catch and halter horses, Matt got into a bit of a rodeo with Fritz, who was spooked by Teddy.

Matt lost the rodeo.

Matt has a concussion and had 11 stitches put in his head for a hole that was 1 1/2 inches deep.

It was not good.

At all.

We'd rather not have a repeat of Father's Day weekend.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenas tardes!

Sorry for the late email everybody but it has been a very hectic day. We are being poured on with the rain and so it made it a little harder to do all that we wanted to do. Thus, I am running late on the email. But everything is all good here! The training life is dope, no problems there. I am still trying to prank my companion so if anyone wants to help, that would be great!

With the subject title, the story is that I ended up in an arm wrestle with my companion and then ended up starting a competition with all the elders in my zone. I ended up beating everyone and they said my biceps look like captain americas. So everyone calls me "cap" now and I dont mind going along with that! LOL

The weather here has been a little crazy. Cold and wet but that is the winter here which I am fine with. The members keep on trying to give us their coats but they dont have other coats so we always deny and explain that we have our own and if we need to we can change. The humility of these people is just amazing and I am super grateful to be with them here in Chile.

That is just about all for today! Love you all and have a great week!

Elder Jorgensen