Having a Hard Time

Dear God-

Monday night, I brought my boys together (who were emotional, angry, sad, scared, tired, confused, broken) and I offered a prayer. I told you that we were having a hard time, that we were tired, that we were broken. I also told you that we were thankful - for each other, for our love for each other, for the people who love us and support us, for the fact that we have somewhere to go and won't need to go to the Women's Shelter. I asked you to comfort my children, to give us the energy we need to move again, to give us the motivation to get this done and to get it done timely. I asked you to protect us, to help us to sleep at night. Then, the boys all crawled in to bed with me. Kaydon said, "Mom, we are so rich in some ways." I told him that indeed we are. Our lives have been turned upside down over and over and over and over again, but we have always had each other - the five of us. We have just what we need.

We moved to Layton yesterday. It's our new home, our new normal. We will plant seeds here, as we have every place we have been. We will try our best every day, just as we have every day.

Please be with us, Father. Please help us to feel you there with us. Please surround us with angels. Please bless us with what we need.

Love,

Heidi

Silly Nights at Work

After 40+ work hours at my full-time job, then 20+ hours at my part-time job, silliness becomes a necessity! I am so blessed to have the best co-workers at both jobs. These two are some of my favorites! Kelsey and Sara were being silly with go-backs on Sunday night. I just love them! They always make me laugh!

Uncle Brandon & Aunt Carrie Temple Night

Friday night, while Colton and I hung out at the ER, Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie took Bubba, Peanut, and Buddha to the Bountiful Temple to do baptisms. Uncle Brandon baptized and confirmed each of them. They then got to go to Nielsen's for frozen custard. JEALOUS!

I am so grateful that my boys have such great examples and such loving aunts and uncles.

Colton's ER Visit

After we got home from the ER on Friday night, Colton got to watch the Lego Movie for the umpteenth time in Mama's room.

Friday, Jackson called me with Colton SCREAMING in the background. Braxton had just jammed a toothpick into Colton's thigh to "pop a thing" that was on his thigh. Jackson was squeezing the infection out. Mama headed home to take care of the aftermath. When I arrived, Colton was throwing up and it was clear that I needed to take him to the ER. When you have an autistic child who also has ADHD, anxiety, and learning disabilities, the ER is not some where you wish to go to. He didn't want shoes on so we went without. The staff was incredibly awesome.

While the doctor did an ultrasound on his thigh, they gave him a wash rag to take apart. He was so brave. Turns out, he has Staff. Most of his left thigh is infected. Jackson was able to get all but 8 mm of the puss out. The doctor was incredibly impressed that he was able to do that and that Colton was able to take it. The doctor explained that abscesses are so painful.

They sent us home with a very strong antibiotic, Zofran for vomiting and instructions to take four baths a day - which Colton loves!

I am so done with hospitals.

Heidi Rae Christensen

Heidi "Rae" Christensen.

You are 39 years old. Remember, your birthday was a few weeks ago and your birthday is like a national holiday around these parts. You have very gray hair, but you color it so it's nothing but a thing.

You have four beautiful baby boys. All but one of them is taller than you, but they will always be your babies. You are a mom, a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, an auntie to some pretty cute puppers and two boys and a girl, a co-worker, a friend, and a neighbor. You have a few nicknames: "Rae," "Rae Rae," "Mama," "Sassy Pants," "Feisty Pants," "Spunk," "Sis," "Tweetheart," and "Dear." Grandma calls you Dear. It's cute. You also have a few different jobs: Mama, Ogden City, Kohl's, and eBay seller.

You are a survivor, a fighter, a lover, a truster, a giver, a worker, a talker, a laugher, a bosser arounder, a Diet Coke drinker, a snow cone eater, a cleaner, an organizer, a bad singer, an even worse dancer, a baseball watcher, a yard work doer, a multi-tasker, a crier (duh), a stick-shift getting better atter, a got have music onner, a faith inner, a daughter of God.

You have been through it. We all have! You have come out the other side of it. You are still in it.

You have THE most amazing group of friends, who never ever give up on you. You have THE most amazing co-workers, who won't ever let you fall. You have THE most incredibly unconditionally loving family who will never stop loving you. You have THE most amazing stories to tell because of the experiences you have had. You have learned compassion and empathy. You have learned to walk by faith. You have seen only one set of footprints when looking back on most of your life. You pray because you know you're heard. You read your scriptures because you know they will answer you. You go to the Temple because you are WORTHY and because you feel peace and comfort there. You try and try because you know you'll eventually make it.

You laugh at the dumbest things. You cry at everything. You love hugs. You REALLY love hugs. You love to be loved. You crave it, in fact. You are doing better than you think you are.

Our Trials and Triumphs - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Finding a home
2. Jackson's visit at work
3. Having my boys kneel beside me in prayer
4. Priesthood blessings
5. My family's support
6. Scriptures
7. Visiting the Temple
8. Laughter
9. Grandma and Grandpa
10. Things that make me go hmm

11. Hymns
12. Carmel apples
13. Notes from my boys
14. Safety and protection
15. Ability to multi-task and work
16. Air conditioning
17. Gospel
18. Friends and co-workers
19. Experience, compassion, empathy
20. Pictures

Dear Sis

Dear Sis,

Today I miss you. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how tall you're getting, how long your hair is, or if your finger nails are painted. I wonder if you're singing new songs, drawing new pictures, watching new movies. I wonder if you're handwriting has changed and what numbers you are adding and subtracting. I wonder who you are eating lunch with and who you are playing with at recess.

Sis, I helped raise you for six years. I was your other mom for six years. You were my girl for six years. Then, just like that you weren't. I don't see you. I don't talk to you. I have no contact with you and it hurts. It makes me sad. I know that you have a great mom and great dads. I know that you are loved infinitely. But, today hurts.

The boys often say how they miss you as well. You were a part of us. You were our family. You were our daughter and our sister. Great Grandma Nef texted me last night and asked if it would be okay for her to send you a birthday card this year. I told her that it was of course be fine. We all miss you. Nana and Pops, Papa and Grandma, Aunts and Uncles. We love you. We always will. Part of my heart is gone. It's the part of my heart that you filled so perfectly.

Someday, I wonder if we can get a pedicure again, watch a movie together again, play a game together, read a book together, or just have me hold you and rock you again. I wonder if I can ever braid your hair again, watch you tie your shoes again. I wonder if I can ever have you "massage my shoulders" again. I wonder if I'll ever hold you again.

Until then, I'll love you forever and for eternity Sis.

Alphabet Soup

Seriously, though. Can we extend the letters in the alphabet so that I have a few more to work with??

2016 has, so far, been a year I'd like to chalk up to growth and lessons in humility and absolute broken hearts and contrite spirits. It is also, though, a year I'd really like to never have to live again. I have been broken down to the very depths of my soul. I have felt completely overwhelmed and drained and exhausted. I have watched my children cry until they have no more tears. I have also watched them as they have gathered themselves to kneel in prayer and plead with their Father for help. I have watched my family members cry for us, and for themselves, for the losses we have experienced - the loss of a husband, father, son, and grandson and the loss of a daughter, sister and granddaughter. I have also watched as they have rallied around my children and I with utter faith and unconditional love. I have watched my co-workers and boss react to me as I react to my circumstances and my situation with, at times, the least of kindness and patience. I have also watched them text me every morning and night, sit with me as I cry for long periods of time, hug me when I can barely stand, and give me Priesthood blessings. I have watched my friends, my dearest and closest friends not know what to say, not know what to do, not know what I need. Yet, I have also watched these friends send me cards, send me Facebook messages, send me unexpected gifts, text me just because, take me to the DI, send me scriptures to read, music to listen to, talks to read.

I have, at times, questioned whether God can hear me, whether He does hear me, whether He knows me and knows that I'm having a hard time. Then, within minutes, I remind myself of the unquestionable answers that have come to my prayers constantly. I have continued to do what is right, what is asked of us, and I have remembered the words of an old bishop who said to me that when I am doing what is right I have the RIGHT to pray and to EXPECT answers to those prayers because He has bound himself to us when we do what is right. I have paid my tithing, with an unwavering faith that if I do so - my children and I will be blessed. We have attended the Temple, with an unwavering faith that we will feel the Spirit of comfort and peace there. We have prayed together and separately with an unwavering faith that He WILL hear us and that He will bless us in the way He sees fit. I have read my scriptures every night, with unwavering faith that answers will come to my prayers.

Plan A went by the wayside years and years and years ago. Plan B came and went. Plan C was like "C ya later." Plan D probably had a bad word associated with it. And through each letter I've gone. But, that's what this life is about. It's about trying, failing, then trying again.

We have found a town home in Layton. We will be moving there next Wednesday. We will have a one year lease. We will learn more and experience more and probably fail more, and we will also try more. We will be more. We will do more. We will love more. We will laugh more. We will pray more. We will play more. We will work more. We will be more.

An Apple A Day

Jackson left this sack on the counter for me on Monday. It was a delectable caramel apple! On Tuesday, he left one for me and one for Xavier (my adorable co-worker). He also left a note that said, "An apple a day won't keep the wackos away!" I laughed and laughed and laughed.

I love my boys. They are so faithful, so brave, so protective. I love those babies of mine!

Braxton's EFY 2016 Week

Braxton was gone all of last week at EFY with his buddy, Sam. Sam raised the money for Braxton to be able to go while Braxton was fighting for his life in the ICU. I am so thankful that Sam did that.

I finally had time to catch up with Braxton on Sunday, to hear all about his week. He talked about his counselors, the food, the activities, and he told me, "Mom, my testimony really grew. I don't know if it did for everyone, but it did for me." That's all that matters, Peanut. That's all that matters.

Saturday at the Temple

Saturday morning, I woke up and went to the Temple while the boys went with their dad. I haven't been on a Saturday morning in I can't remember how long. I usually go on a week night. Now I remember why. It was packed. Lots of weddings, lots of couples, lots of families - lots of exactly what you should find in the Temple.

There is a certain portion of the temple "program" that talks about chastity. It gets me every time. Now, I just pull out my tissue before it comes so that I'm prepared for the ugly cry that I do. As I sit there, alone, and listen to the words about chastity and husbands and wives, I just can't quite get through it without breaking down. I sat in the Celestial Room and prayed and prayed. I am grateful for my recommend that allows me to go and feel close to my Heavenly Father and Savior and gain some peace.

One day I'll be able to get through a session without sobbing my eyes out.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Grandma and Grandpa Nef
2. Kaydon's one-on-one with Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie
3. Eclairs!
4. Prayer and fasting and family
5. Priesthood
6. Water
7. Miss T, Miss B, Miss S, Miss H
8. Rock
9. Fresh Flowers
10. Ryan

11. Lunch with Jaker and P
12. Date nights!
13. Braxton's experience at EFY
14. Scriptures at night
15. Hugs
16. Cards
17. WP 1st Ward
18. Social networks
19. Laughter
20. Movie nights with boys

Braxton Dean Jorgensen

Braxton Dean Jorgensen.

Braxton, you are 14 1/2 years old. You are 6'2" and have always had a slim build. You have eyes that never cease to amaze me. Your brothers call you "t-rex" because of the size of your hands. They ARE abnormally large!

Mom calls you Peanut. You were the best baby. You loved your binkie upside down in your mouth, your blankie that you dragged around like Liunus, and your one eyebrow was always arched like you were a little terror in an adorable body! I used to squeeze your little cheeks for days. So cute! You were very busy and loved Jackson from day one.

You are passionate, creative, super hard-working, self-starting, and emotional. Girls love you. You like girls. You can fix things like a boss. Whenever I need something fixed or taken care of, I holler your name and you come running. If you boys are ever meeting me somewhere, you come out to the car and make sure all doors are opened for me. You treat me like a queen.

You tried to die on me six months ago. It scared the tar out of me. But, you are better now. You will do great things. Mommy is proud of you. I am proud of all of you. Mommy loves you all so much. I am so honored to be your mommy. I am so grateful that I am sealed to the four of you for eternity.

Date Night Minus Peanut

Jackson has to work tonight, so we decided to do date night one night early. Braxton has been at EFY all week and couldn't join us last night or tonight, so we had to do it without him, which was very sad! The boys got some kong cones from Macey's. Perfect date night on a summer night, if you asked me!

Kaydon's One-On-One

Last night, I dropped Kaydon off at Uncle Brandon's office in Layton. Kaydon had his bag packed and was prepared for a sleepover. Kaydon gets some one-on-one time today with Uncle Brandon and Aunt Carrie. Uncle Brandon is working on his shed in the backyard and KK gets to help.

I am so grateful for my family, who loves us and supports us. My kids have been through so, so, so much. It's so good for them to have some one-on-one time with uncles and aunts and grandparents, where they feel loved and can forget about their struggles for a bit. Although, I have to admit that I HATE when my kids are away from home. It's a big problem!

Well Then

I had a great birthday weekend. It was great right up until I had a major episode with my heart, passed out, and then received a call from the owners of the home we are living in - telling us that we needed to be out immediately. Then it wasn't great anymore. I told Jackson and Braxton, who both walked out of the room and outside where they cried in separate spots. I pulled Kaydon and Colton in and told them. They started to cry also and Kaydon went outside to vent. I sat on the couch and cried alone, in complete disbelief that this was happening.

I get that we need to go through trials. I get that trials bring us closer to our Heavenly Father, who knows us and loves us. I get that trials are the reason we are on this Earth. But, I would be lying if I said I am not all trialed out right now. I crumbled. I texted my family. I called my kids' dad. I texted my boss and told him to be patient with me because I was once again broken. Then I thought I'd cry a little more because that's what I do.

Then, Jackson walked in. He told everyone to get on our knees and he offered a beautiful family prayer. Then he called two of his Young Men's leaders from our old ward and asked them to come administer to each of us. They did and the Spirit filled our family. I have networked as much as I know how to do. Every free minute I get, I am searching the internet. I am taking a different route home every night, in search of rentals. I am doing everything that I know to do. I work three jobs. I pay a full tithe and fast offering. I feel like I am doing my part, and now I am pleading with my Father in Heaven to do the rest.

I really do believe that things happen for a reason. The hard part is watching my children, who have no solidity in their lives, no constant. It is always changing for them. They don't feel like they can let their guard down ever. I take that so personally. I just want them to feel like it's all going to be okay, like they can calm down and feel at peace, like we are going to be alright. Then something else seems to come up.

I know we can do hard things. I know we can because we are doing them. And I know that I am completely out of line asking for just one easy day, because there are plenty of people who don't ever get easy days. But, sometimes I just want one day that is peaceful without the worries of the world on my shoulders.

Birthday Weekend

My birthday weekend began on Thursday with treats from Xavier. Friday, Kaydon and Colton and I went to Lagoon for the day. It was so nice! The boys swam and swam while I tanned and tanned. Saturday morning, my mom took me to get our traditional birthday pedicures and then Saturday night, the boys and I met up with Brandon and Carrie for dinner in Farmington Station.

I love my birthdays. I love my boys more!

Kaydon Trask Jorgensen

Kaydon Trask Jorgensen.

You were born 13 1/2 years ago. You were six weeks early and you thought it'd be fun to turn around at 7 centimeters dilated and stick your foot down the birth canal, resulting in a C-section. Grandma Robb, who had passed away three years prior, handed you to me when the doctor pulled you out. Papa was there. He was singing to me. He saw Grandma. So did the nurse. It was a very, very special experience.

You tried to die quite.a.few.times for the first three and a half years of your life. It was not awesome. But we grew a very strong bond. You'd never know now that your body could not thrive for years. You are healthy and happy and strong and well. You are extremely creative. You have taught yourself ninja skills, that are pretty dang impressive. You learned to sew this year, and sewed an Easter Egg for Mama. You love to be outside. It's your element. It's where you get your frustrations out. In fact, when I asked you what drew you to learning ninja moves, you told me that you think about the kids at school who bully you and you take all of that anger and let it out in your moves. Impressive, Kaydon.

Even though you are the one who spends the most time with Colton, you have a real gift with him. More than you think you have. You make sure that he has what he needs, that he has activities to do, that he is played with. Last week, you said to me, "Mom, Jackson is going to be a great dad one day." I love that you find the good in your brothers and in me.

I love you, KK. You are the Buddha and I am the mom.

Our Trial and Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Camp for the boys
2. Lunch with Dad and the boys
3. Sandals
4. Scriptures
5. Treats
6. Upcoming pedicure with Mom
7. Card from LeAnne
8. Younique's 3D mascara!!
9. My birthday weekend
10. My brothers

11. Music
12. Ability
13. Senses
14. Happiness, joy, cheer, peace
15. Ensign
16. Braxton's gifts
17. Healthy, happy boys
18. Jobs
19. Friends (the kind I always want to keep)
20. Trials and triumphs

MY DAY

I pretty much feel that I should have a birthday like every day. I am quite fond of my birthday. It's June 11. I repeat that line about 1,296 times the week before June 11. "My birthday is June 11." People at work KNOW when my birthday is. In fact, they joke that they forget their own birthdays because my birthday is engrained in their minds. I see nothing wrong with that!

At my awesome full-time job, we get the day off for our birthday. Isn't that great?! So, Friday I will be off since June 11 (my birthday) is on a Saturday. I'll fill my time with Kaydon and Colton since Jackson and Braxton are at camp. But, this morning Xavier brought Kneaders goodies for everyone. We are on a serious sugar high and I could not be happier!

Early Birthday Lunch

Papa drove up, picked up Kaydon and Colton, and came to get me for lunch yesterday. It was a perfect hour. We went to the Olive Garden, watched Papa eat like a bird (lettuce and tomato soup) while Kaydon and Colton scarfed down some fettucine alfredo with extra cheese! It was a lovely time, one that I won't soon forget. I love my dad and I love my boys.

First Snow Cones of the Snow Cone Season!

Monday night it was QUITE necessary for us to go get our first snow cones of this snow cone season! This mama could live on snow cones - seriously. They make me so happy. So do my four boys. So, it was a pretty happy night with our first snow cones of the snow cone season!

Braxton's Gifts

Braxton is super talented. He loves to make things. He also loves to take things apart and put them back together. He's done this since he was a wee little tike. Sometimes it turned into a problem, but now-a-days, I love his creations!

He made me two creations in shop class this year. I love them so much! He makes me feel special all the time. Love that he uses his talent to make his Mama happy!

Date Night at Home

Friday night, I chose what we were going to do for date night. I stopped on my way home and picked up some hot dogs and s'mores ingredients. The boys carried the picnic table out and started the fire in the fire pit. We roasted hot dogs and made s'mores. We finished off the night with a couple of movies. It was perfect! I'm so grateful for these Friday nights when it's just the boys and I re-connecting after hectic weeks.

Colton Walter Jorgensen

Colton Walter Jorgensen.

You are 12 1/2 years old. You are the shortest, which makes your brothers happy. You are about 5'3". You are diagnosed with, buy not defined by, Autism, ADHD, Anxiety, and some learning disabilities. Sometimes navigating this very busy world is hard for you. But, you love people. You find the good in everyone. You believe that everyone you meet is your "friend." You worry about everyone and are very compassionate. You like to lift people up and make them feel good about themselves.

You are very curious. You love animals, especially horses. You always have. You love to read and to color. You love to be outside. You love to ride bikes, or anything else that moves. You love to eat and you love all food. You have never been picky. You love games and puzzles, movies and funny shows. You love music and love to sing in the middle of the night.

Thursday night, you found a blindfold and walked around the house for a good half hour with the blindfold on - making your way through all of the "obstacles." You talked to your imaginary friends as you did it. You were quite content just walking around in the dark.

In a few months, you begin junior high. You're going to be just fine. Brothers will be there and I will always be praying for you and cheering you on. You are a light, and a very important piece to our family puzzle. We love you and are so grateful to have your smile in our family.

Our Trial & Triumph - A Week Full of Blessings

1. Lunch with Jackson and Kaydon
2. Colton's graduation
3. Mommy Martha
4. Teresa's messages
5. Lunch with Rock, P, and the guys
6. Braxton's comedy
7. Coloring on the deck
8. A yard to work in
9. Date night with my boys
10. Ability to pay rent

11. Music
12. Laughter - like snorting laughter
13. The end of the school year and everyone is moving to the next grade!
14. My jobs
15. My view every morning & on my drive to work
16. Diet Freaking Coke
17. Campfires
18. My boys "I love yous"
19. Prayer
20. Prophets