Make a Difference Day

I woke up this morning and I cried.

I realized that today was Make a Difference Day. Each year up to now, this was me and Perry's day. We left the office at 8 am with the truck and trailer and headed out for the day. Our job was to support all of the activities going on around the City. We would take water and soda to all of the volunteers. We would take supplies to each activity. We would get out and mingle with volunteers and City employees. It was also the ONE day a year that he would buy me ice cream, tell me to shut up and stop asking for things, and then tell me that this one cup of ice cream was to cover every possible holiday for the rest of the year!

It would be different this year and it was hurting my heart. Sometimes, I'm not quite prepared for these emotions that pop up.

But, today ended up being a great day. I am exhausted. We weeded tree grates and the front of our building. We had a great lunch with the crews. I got into a big machine and moved two big boulders ALL BY MYSELF. I was SO big! I laughed and smiled and knew that he was close by and proud of us. I knew that it was okay to have a great day without him here because he was still close. I knew that I was still surrounded by all of these people who love us so much! We totally made a difference!

14 Months & 11 Months

Oh, these babies!

Asher is 14 months old. He is naughty. He is oh-so mobile. Carrie brought them in to my office a couple of weeks ago and he just walked all over the dang place! Mr. Watkins tried to give him a bite of a peanut butter cup, but he spit it out. LOL!

Anson is 11 months old. He is so sweet and so tender. He gets nervous about new places and new environments. He has the sweetest smile.

These boys... I am telling you. They have my whole heart.

My mom and Kaydon watched them on Saturday. I rested all day. But I missed being with them so much. I can't wait to get Auntie loves again!

Single Mom Gig - Can't Make This Stuff Up!

Last night, Braxton texted me from work: "Ma, can you meet me at Instacare?"

People, this is a regular occurance at my home. Boys. Teenage boys. Really, it has never mattered what age they were. Boys. Wild and crazy boys.

Anywho, Braxton was moving a helium machine and the cap popped off and hit him in the right side of the jaw. He saw stars. He has a mild concussion. He also has quite a bit of soft tissue damage on the left side of his face (jaw area).

The doctors always have, and still do, look at me and say, "You really can't make this stuff up!"

Oh, I know.

Trust me, I know.

Friday Favorites - A Few of My Favorite Things

I am about two months into my Younique journey. I have not put a time frame on my Younique journey. I am all-in.

I am determined to be successful, and to come always from a place of abundance.

I am determined to have a second job which is successful so that I can support my family.

I am determined to continue to increase my own self love and to increase others' as best as I can... not by wearing a lot of makeup... not by putting a mask on every night... but by really realizing our worth and that we are good enough today, at this moment, right now.

I am really having a blast trying new creative looks. I believe it's the increase in self love which allows me to feel more creative, more daring, and more okay with being me... whatever that is.

I am so thankful for the support of those who love me... my family, MY BOYS, my T, my Jakki, my Caroline, Tami, Joy, Dave, Eddie, my mama, my Heidi, my Becca, and my Logan!!! Thank you to everyone who watches my hot-mess Lives, to everyone who comments and shares. Thank you for all that you are all doing to support us!

Running Out of Time

Moments like these are running out.

Jackson, coming and sitting in my room just to chat and hang and shoot the breeze (or whatever it is teenagers say nowadays)...

Mostly, he talks about his mission and being prepared and getting appointments made and getting money set...

He also talks about me and making sure I'm okay and making sure brothers will be okay...

He doesn't talk much about girls anymore...

Or music...

Or dumb things he and his friends have been up to...

He doesn't talk much about things he wants to buy or do anymore...

He just talks about his mission and college and his career and his future...

I feel like I've worked so hard to raise my boys to be independent, responsible, compassionate, and full of integrity and now I'm seeing that all come to pass. He is wise FAR beyond his years. He is responsible beyond anything I have ever taught him. He is kind, compassionate, patient, level-headed, and full of the Spirit. He is my bubba. He is going to do amazing things.

Oh, the places you'll go, Jacks. I love you more than words.

Single Mom Gig - A Little Civility

I attended a really phenomenal training last week. It was about so many things, including civility. The teacher, an administrator from Weber State University, taught so many powerful insights.

She began the class by asking each of us to introduce ourselves in this way:
* State your name
* State your identity
* What pronoun(s) do you prefer?

I introduced myself in this way:
* My name is Heidi
* I am a single mom, a daughter, an auntie, a sister, a friend, a survivor, a yogi, and an ice cream lover
* I prefer she, her, hers, they, theirs, we, us

She spoke of the "one story" that each of us has in our minds of others and their situations. How often do we work so hard to be understood, rather than to understand?

She challenged us to a civility challenge. We each got a packet of 25 civility cards.

The boys and I will be working through these cards. We will be talking about the stories we have in our heads. We will be talking about our own identities and respecting the identities of others. We will speak of understanding, rather than fighting so hard to be understood.

Shadows

So much of me just wants to unload about all of the really, really hard things happening in our lives right now. Why? Because they're hard! And hard is hard! Damnit!!

I literally did not get out of bed for 36 hours. The boys fed me. They brought me medications. They adjusted my position and blankets. They rubbed my neck. They ate the food that our ward dropped off. I laid there, unable to get my body to work for my brain. Exhaustion. Drastic increase in cognitive fatigue. Decline in cognitive function. After just one week of full-time work.

This morning, I got up and got ready. I put one foot in front of the other. I did today, not really wanting to do today. I did it anyways.

I went for a walk. I was reminded by my shadow that I am upright, walking, talking, eating, wiping my own ass. I am doing the best I can possibly do and it's enough. Maybe not for everyone.. maybe not for those within my employment who feel I am not doing enough. But, it's enough for me.

So, let's all keep going. Let's all keep searching for our shadows. Let's all keep smiling and loving and waving our middle fingers at the world that wants to be cruel and judgemental and difficult. Let's do us.

Good Luck and Thanks

I have been useless this week. My children hardly have a mother right now. As soon as I get home, I am literally in bed. Last night, I stopped long enough to do a 15 minute live, then to bed I went.

Annoying.

Necessary.

Guilt-ridden.

So exhausted.

On Monday, my beloved visiting teacher/ministerer brought dinner. It was devoured.

Tuesday night, T sent pizza. A lot of pizza. Like, an excessive amount of pizza. Last night there were left overs before the children headed to mutual and I went to dreamland.

In other news, I took this picture while Braxton was trying on prom clothes several weeks ago. Yesterday, I ordered Jackson's graduation announcements.

Both events caused me to sob. Like, ugly cry.

Sincerely,

The Hot Mess

All Kinds of Official

These beauties arrived yesterday.

I feel all kinds of official.

I feel all kinds of feelings, really.

Tired.

Exhausted.

Drained.

Anxious (in a peaceful way)

Comforted.

Guided.

Proud.

Confident.

Hopeful.

Faithful.

Driven.

Motivated.

Loved.

Oh, so loved. Like, unbelievably loved. Like, eternally and unconditionally loved.

Single Mom Gig - Oh, the Moments

I so wish I had taken a picture of my experience last night. I was laying in my bed at 6 pm because I was exhausted from my first full-time day. As I laid in my bed, I could hear Jackson gathering the boys to my room for a prayer. They knelt beside my bed and Jackson asked Kaydon to pray. I don't know where my children learned to talk to our Father, but these prayers are impossible to deny having the Spirit. He prayed diligently for me and for my ability to heal and to rest and to do hard things. He prayed for Braxton, who considers to struggle emotionally. He prayed for each of the boys, that they would be able to help me in whatever capacity they could. He prayed that we would be strong and taken care of. He prayed with faith and with hope. His brothers, with their heads bowed echoed that faith and hope with their reverence and with their "amen." I did as well.

How I love these boys. How I am so grateful for their faith when mine is low. How I am so grateful for their testimonies of a God and a Savior, who know us and love us. How I am so grateful that they love me and I love them. How I am so grateful for our ability to do hard things and for these moments that remind us that we are never alone.

And, today is the four month anniversary of my stroke. Four months of growth.

I Can Do Hard Things

Today is the day that has given me anxiety for over a week now. I am back at work full-time.

I couldn't sleep all night. I worried and worried about how things would go and how I would handle it all. Worry is such an unhealthy thought to have. It serves us no real purpose. It is simply a story that we tell ourselves about how things could go wrong, when in fact they may go just right!

Jackson, Kaydon, and Colton knelt by my bed last night and Jackson offered a prayer on my behalf, and theirs. I have decided that I will simply do my best. I will take breaks when I feel I need them. I brought my yoga mat to stretch when I need to. I'll have my calming meditation music on when needed. I will turn off my office light for most of the day. I will breathe in and breathe out. I will take walks when I need to. I can only do my best and my best isn't what I did on December 9th. My best is what I can do right now. And that's okay.

This week, I am focusing on shadow palettes and cream shadow for my business. I hope you will join me in my Facebook group for tricks and tips and pictures of me trying new looks each day!

Friday Favorites - Confidence

Dear Friends,

Confidence is a tough word for me.

Since the stroke I have learned so much about myself, my childhood, my triggers, my hold-ups, the whys, the hows, and the tricky goal of becoming Heidi 2.0.

I have learned in the last couple of months that part of the reason why I always saw myself in such a negative light was due to something my second grade teacher used to instill in us repeatedly... like every single day. She was one of my favorite teachers. I wanted so badly to make her proud, to make her like me, to have her praise me. I just wanted to be praised. She was older (in her 60's or 70's) and was from the Phillipines. I thought she was so beautiful and so wise. Her accent was dazzling to me in my little 8 year-old mind. Daily, she told us that we should never "brag" or speak well of ourselves. She explained that by doing this, people would never like us, in fact they would dislike us very much. This was discussed daily. I'm not sure that any other young child took it to the extreme like I did. But, heaven knows I took it to the extreme. In my little head, I determined that NOT liking myself at all would make people like me. I was determined to be humble, to the extreme - like to the most unhealthy extreme. So, any feelings, any emotions, any thoughts I had about myself went into the figurative closet so that I would not have to deal with them. This equaled a stroke on December 10, 2017. But, it equaled so much more. It equaled an eating disorder, unbelievably unhealthy relationships, the inability to see myself as worth it or good enough, and the fear of failure... again, to the extreme. Everything went to the extreme. And, in the unhealthy relationships I believed whole-heartedly that I deserved was I was getting and that I would never deserve anything better. Afterall, liking myself at all was unacceptable.

Fast-forward to December 11, 2017.

I determined I was going to change. I determined that this life I had been living for FORTY years was unacceptable. Not liking myself was unacceptable. Not feeling that I was worth it or good enough was unacceptable. Constantly feeling that I needed to fear every single mistake in life was not acceptable. We are ALL worth it. We are ALL good enough. And, Heidi- bragging is much different than loving yourself enough to be kind to yourself! FYI.

I have now been a Younique presenter and seller for a little over one month. And, I have put my face on Facebook lives and on selfies. I have talked about my passions. I have done my makeup in front of everyone who wants to watch. I have decided that I am confident in who I have because I am a daughter of God. I am His. He created me. I didn't create myself! He created me. He loves me, regardless of the stupid things I do. My value, and yours, is not up for discussion.

It took me a while - okay, WAY too long - to figure this out, but here I am. Here we are.

13 Months & 10 Months

Asher is 13 months old... and a couple of weeks.

He is still so stinking handsome. He walks every where. He doesn't really want to be picked up and held... unless he does and in that case, he'll let you know. He is such a big boy! He eats so well and is now off of formula and on regular milk in his bottles. He has taken to sucking his thumb. It's the sweetest thing ever. He also loves to get his swaddle suit that he is zipped up in for nap time and bed time and carry it around as his blankie. He reminds me so much of Braxton when he was Asher's age. Braxton did that exact same thing. He LOVES book time at bed time. I think Kaydon read every single book he has to him last night. Changing his diaper or his clothes is a complete and total nightmare. It took Kaydon and I like 20 minutes last night to get him to stop playing peek-a-boo naked under his crib and get a diaper on him. I continue to be in love with this boy.

Anson is 10 months old... and a couple of weeks.

He has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life. He does an army crawl and gets wherever he needs to go. He also stands up along things and thinks he is very big! He wants to be able to do what big brother does so badly! He is still so chill and relaxed. He goes with the flow so well. He is also the best eater. Feeding them is actually comical. They both just hold their mouths wide open until food goes in. They swallow and then hold them wide open again. He is the sweetest bath baby. He is also not to fond of laying still to have his diaper or clothes changed. He loves his movies and only HIS movies. He is a picky movie watcher!

We love these boys to the moon. They are such a blessing in our family. They bring so much light and joy and excitement to our family. Being an auntie is THE best!

Single Mom Gig - Abundance

As you know, I am a working, single mother of four boys. I have them 100% of the time... not that they are scheduled commodities, but I am the only parent in their lives. Period. It's on me. I don't get breaks from parenting. Not that I would want them. And the older they get and make plans to move out and become real-life adults and do real-life adult things, the more I never want to get a break from parenting... ever. Like in the history or future of ever. If a talk needs to take place, it's me. If they are needing to be talked to about things (bathing, slowing the F down when they are driving, dating, homework, chores, cleaning their rats nest of a bedroom, brushing their teeth at least once a dang day, respecting women, respecting everyone who is worthy of respect, eating slow enough to actually taste their food, using their earned money on needs before wants, etc. etc. etc.) If they need to talk, they come to me... not because I'm the best option but because I am all there is. Poor kids!

I have to tell you what one of my very favorite things is about this situation! We are a team. What one of us sucks at, one of the other four can pick up the slack. My new business is a whole new learning process for me. I hate sales. With a passion. I am not a sales person. But, I AM passionate about supporting my kids, paying my medical bills so that my credit isn't even worse than it already is, and sharing my personal experiences and stories about becoming whole after being so broken over and over and over again. Because I am passionate about those things, I am giving myself two years to make this business successful. By successful, I mean paying bills and inspiring and encouraging others to be whole and happy and at peace.

Because it is my goal to do this and to LEARN to be successful at it, my boys have jumped on board and are being unbelievably supportive. Remember, they are TEENAGE BOYS. Most teenage boys could care less about their mom selling makeup and skin care and taking selfies and doing Lives. In fact, most teenage boys would rather not know anything about any of it. Not my boys. No, my boys have learned the best set up for the camera. They have worked to figure out lighting. They are working to find a better backdrop for Lives and pictures. They have held virtual Facebook parties for their friends. For real. They have talked to their girl friends about this stuff and encouraged them to look on my site. They have edited my bios, in hopes that the marketing will begin to be better. They have researched other Lives for me to find better and more effective ways to market myself. They have spent TIME and effort, not because I ask them to, but because they see a need and they jump in and they support me.

In the real world, I am not the only parent in my home. I am not really a SINGLE MOM. I am surrounded by four teenage sons who teach me and support me and comfort me and remind me and pray for me and with me. I am anything but single in my home. Just last night, I asked Kaydon to come pray with me. He knelt by my bed and prayed FOR me. Braxton came in to kiss me goodnight and said, "Mom, how much longer are you going to be on your phone working? I don't want it to hurt your eyes." Colton yelled over and over and over and over and over again, "Love you Mama!"

In our world, there is abundance. Just the opposite of single anything.

Beautiful Conference Weekend

Braxton, Kaydon and Colton and I spent Sunday with my parents at their home. It was a beautiful... like extraordinarily beautiful day. It seems as though most conference weekends are rainy and cold. This past weekend was amazing. My cousin, Shanna, and her husband brought their one month old baby girl. So, in Heidi fashion... I held her for most of conference. It was heaven. She is the first great-grandDAUGHTER in our family. I have four boys, Brandon has two boys, another cousin has two boy, and yet another cousin has one boy. Welcome to the family, Amberlyn.

Jackson left for St. George with his buddies yesterday morning. He listened to conference on the way down. A cool side note: some of them are members, some of them aren't. My boys have always had more non-member friends than member friends. Those boys on this St. George trip who are members are going to the St. George Temple this week to do baptisms. On their spring break. My breath has been taken away.

Finally... I have had less than adequate patience with Colton as of recently. Like, I have none. Like, my patience tank is on empty and all of the fuel tanks are suddenly dry. Braxton has been incredible the last week or so. He has taken Colton out of the house, to run errands with him, to play with him, to put movies in for him. I have been so thankful for Brax and his brotherly love AND motherly love this week!