I Love To See The Temple

After work yesterday, I went to my favorite temple. The Ogden Temple is MY temple. I mean, not really... but I love it there. The pictures throughout the temple are so exquisite. I just love the feel there.

I decided to do initiatories. I haven't done them since I took out my own endowment 22 years ago! A couple of weeks before P got his angel wings, he told me about how he went to the temple on his lunch break and did initiatories. He told me that it was so good to be reminded of the promises that are given to us during that sacred ordinance. So, I decided to do them last night. I, too, was reminded of the immense blessings that are promised to us when we do all in our power to live the covenants we have made. To listen to them again and again and again and again and again is such a blessing. It was a powerful reminder to me of the love that our Father has for us and the small amount asked of us in order to receive everything He has in store for us.

Step One

Yesterday was my first day of counseling.

I've attended counseling in the past, but simply went feeling depressed or anxious and didn't have much of a goal or even a real purpose in being there. This time, I went in knowing exactly what I wanted/needed. I told my very patient counselor that we weren't going to waste any time -- we needed to get right to it! I know that I need to learn to forgive myself and I need to learn to love myself, be content with me, and move forward. I also told him that I don't just want to sit and talk while he listens. I can talk to the wall! I need feedback, tools, and resources. And, away we went! I am really looking forward to this, actually. He left me with two really powerful thoughts in our very first meeting:

1. He asked me if I was an "all or nothing" kind of girl. I wasn't sure what he meant. So, he asked me if I was at all different now than I was when the boys and I left their father 14 years ago. I thought for a minute and said that I am much more vocal now. I'm a lot more sassy. I don't live scared anymore. I am a different parent. I'm physically stronger and mentally stronger. He asked if those were positive things. I replied that they were. Then he said this, "Heidi, no one is going to wake up on any day in this life and be able to say that they made it, that they're perfect, that they have nothing else to learn. This is a journey. The idea is to learn and grow and be more and more the person we are supposed to be, the person we can be. So, you feel like if you aren't where you want to be right now that it's a failure. That's not a thing! It's a journey. Step by step." Oh.

2. He asked me if I knew the difference between guilt and shame. I did not. He explained that guilt is a good thing, a feeling from our Heavenly Father. Imagine for a moment a world without guilt. Guilt is feeling bad about SOMETHING that we DID. It's an opportunity to feel badly about something we did or said and then not do it again, learn from it, and move forward. Shame, on the other hand, comes from Satan. It is feeling bad about ME. It is telling myself that I am worthless, hopeless, helpless, bad, unlovable. Then he asked if I have guilt or shame. I told him that I knew for certain that I had shame. He explained that we will be working on this.

I left feeling excited, genuinely hopeful that I am on the right track, on the correct journey. I am already being very careful with my personal thoughts about myself. And, People, I have the greatest friends. My B Beck. My Teresa. My Miss Birdie. Gosh, I am so blessed. People who have never given up on me, who love me unconditionally. Thank you.

Oh, and!!!! Last night after the gym, I ran to Brandon's office to get adjusted. I walked in and saw my babies!! These boys have my heart. I quickly took them out of their car seats. Their very patient mama just sat in the massage chair like, "Oh, Auntie is here. This could be a while!" Sweet Anson just grins. Asher is a little more excited to see me. He immediately opens his mouth wide and goes in for Auntie kisses. Oh, my heart. Last night, though, he did something a little different. He latched his mouth on to my cheek and then violently shook his face back and forth while he growled. Brandon could not stop laughing.

Single Mom Gig - The Real Deal

Although I try to be positive, patient, hopeful, prayerful, and faithful, this single mom gig is a struggle. It is lonely. It is exhausting. It is scary. It is not what I envisioned when I thought of my future. Sometimes I cry. A lot. Sometimes I wonder why such a righteous desire of being loved and having a worthy, honorable eternal companion is seemingly unattainable. I texted my pops on Saturday, asking him to give me a blessing on Sunday when the boys and I would be down for dinner. He, of course, obliged. Then, Kaydon came in and asked me what was the matter. I had been off all day. I had been quiet, tired, teary, and a bit lethargic. I told him how I was feeling. He told me to rest, then he told me to text Becky Beck and ask her what to pray for. Isn't that sweet that my boys knows who I need to go to for specific answers?! So, I listened to him and I did just that.

B Beck told me that one of my spiritual gifts was that I love, with my whole heart, unconditionally. She told me that I am lovable. She told me that while I am praying for companionship of a loving, adoring, honorable priesthood holder who can take me to the Temple, I can be praying for other things in the meantime. She then told me of a friend of hers. Her friend dated a lot years ago, similar to what I have been doing for the last year and a half. She then decided to begin praying for contentment as a single mother. She prayed that her need of intimacy and companionship would go away until the day when Heavenly Father was ready for her to find her companion. I needed to hear that. And, I promised her that I would do that with as much faith as I could muster. I then watched the Women's General Session and heard words that were comforting to me in many ways.

Sunday, the boys and I drove down to Sandy. I had been prayerful for about 24 hours that my pops would be able to speak for my Heavenly Father and tell me exactly what I needed to know. Shortly after arriving, I asked Pops if he could give me the blessing. I was so eager! He, my mom, Jackson and Kaydon and I sat in the living room. He began by asking me what was going on. I explained to him how I was feeling. He then told me that he would be back. He went upstairs and prayed. Do you know I know that he loves me? You just read it. He listened, then went upstairs to listen to the Father so that he could talk to me for Him.

My pops gave me the most beautiful father's blessing. He paused repeatedly, and for long periods of time, as he listened specifically to the Spirit. At one point, he said out loud, "I'm not sure I understand how to tell her that." My heart about burst. He cried through most of it. Well, we all did. When he was done, he sat in front of me and we talked about the feelings and impressions he had during the blessing. This is what I learned:
1. I have to forgive myself. My past is my past. What is done is done. It's over. Heavenly Father has forgiven me. He is waiting for me to forgive myself. I'm not sure how to do that. But, I will learn and I will do.
2. I have to learn to love myself. I have always felt extremely unlovable. This is obviously not okay. I need to work on ways to learn to love myself, to know that I am enough. I love others with everything I have. I love other unconditionally. But, I don't love myself. This is a necessary step in my progress.
3. I have the most amazing children. When I told Kaydon that I pray constantly that I will just be loved, he said, "That prayer has already been answered, Mom. You have us." He's right. I need to stop looking for prayers to only be answered in the way I envision, and start looking at all of the answers that have already been given.
4. The Lord will not let me down. He's not going to let me down as long as I am doing my best. And, I am.

Waiting means hoping, anticipating, and trusting. In the meantime, it requires me to have faith, patience, humility, meekness, long-suffering, endurance, and diligence. I have been asked to keep the commandments, standfast, press forward, and rely on Christ. I need to not cast away my confidence in my Savior. I need to work WITH Him together for my good.

After my blessing and dinner, Kaydon and Pops made a fire and then the boys played games with Nana and Pops while I watched football.

These are the real feelings of being single. It's not always fun and games. It's not always glitter and unicorns... well it's NEVER glitter and unicorns. It's hard. It can be lonely. It can feel defeating and tiring. But, it's my path right now and so I will try hard to forgive myself and love this sassy pants self of mine.

Layton Homecoming 2017

Layton's homecoming was Saturday.

Braxton went with Cam. They didn't have a group, mostly because most of their friends aren't 16 yet. They went to Boondocks for their day activity, then he dropped her off to get ready. He took her to Annie's for dinner, then they went to the dance.

Jackson asked Lauren, who he used to work with at Cold Stone. She is an SBO, and was very busy leading up to the dance. For their day activity, they played games with their enormous group, then prepared homemade pizzas. He dropped her off to get ready, then picked her up around 4. They took group pictures, then went and made their homemade pizzas in a pizza oven. Afterwards, they went to the dance then back to a friend's house to hang out. He had a great time. Isn't she adorable?!

Silly Boys, Excavators Are For Girls!

Yesterday, I got an early morning text message from Mr. Watkins. It said, "You up for a field trip today?" DUH!!!

Beyta came and picked me up. I put on a few hoodies because it was chilly!! I climbed down in to the river bed and up in to the excavator and did some work!!!!

I love my freaking guys!

Seven Months and Four Months

Asher is seven months old next week! He is now blowing raspberries on his arms, which is just about the cutest thing ever! He loves to be outside. He is eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables!!

Anson is four months old next week! He is smiling so big and it's the cutest thing ever! He is getting bigger and bigger and has the cutest hair. He is still much more chill than his big brother!

The boys and I had them all day last Saturday. We went down to Farmington Station for a half hour, or so. Asher was absolutely enthralled with the fountains. He was so peaceful, just watching them!!

We are in love with these boys!

Single Mom Gig - Getting Stronger

Sunday night, Braxton and Kaydon asked me to go hiking with them. The weather is so much nicer at night time now... it's cooler and much more comfortable! We headed up Adam's Canyon around 6ish. Each time we go, I feel myself getting stronger, taking less breaks, feeling my legs working hard, feeling my heart working hard, etc. This time, I climbed that mountain without one break. Sometimes, people ask me why I go workout 4 - 5 nights per week. I go to workout at night because I need to take care of myself, too. I used to feel very guilty about that. Not anymore. You know why? Because I am getting stronger! Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am healthier and happier. I am able to do so much more with my body than I used to be able to. There are nights when I do a light workout at home, and that is just fine as well. But, this body and mind of mine are important, too. I have a lot on my shoulders, a lot on my mind, a lot of responsibility, a lot of pressure, a lot of stress. If I don't take care of me, no one else will. So, I do!!

Fall Social

Today, we had our Fall Social. I missed my P. But, we had a lot of fun. I love my guys so much!

Personal Body Guards

Last night, after the boys went to mutual, K came and picked me up for a motorcycle ride. I'm slightly obsessed with his motorcycle and going for rides. I had an extremely stressful day and it's been one of those weeks where I just feel like I am crushed by the weight. We rode off in to the most beautiful sunset, and to get some frozen yogurt. Heaven.

When I returned, literally one hour later, this is what I saw at the top of the stairs. I could not stop laughing. Look at them!!

If a girl has got to have bodyguards... these are the ones to have! How cute are they?!?! I asked them when they got home from mutual. There was no mutual. The leaders just took them to get ice cream, so they got home about five minutes before me. Can you even stand the cuteness of these boys of mine?!

Brandon called me yesterday to say that Jackson was worried about me dating and wanting me to by home. I talked to Jackson about it last night. Sweet Boy said that he likes that I'm dating and that it's really important, but that they are just so sick of seeing me get hurt by dirt bags. Amen, Jacks! I normally go on 2-3 dates a week, and try to go on lunch dates so it doesn't effect my boys. They like to hear all of the details about everything. And, to a point, I completely oblige. I think they are at an age where, if they are asking the questions, they really do want to know and that once they have the answers, they are able to worry less.

How blessed am I?!?!

Awww, The Blessings of Mamahood

Monday, I received an email from Jackson's seminary teacher sent me the following message:


He’s a wonderful kid, and I’ve enjoyed his calming influence in class. He has a set of intangible skills that really uplift the class as a whole.

Thanks for letting me know and never apologize for a family situation! Family, at least in my mind, is what it is all about. I’m glad that Jackson was able to help out at home. He’s a wonderful kid, and I’ve enjoyed his calming influence in class. He has a set of intangible skills that really uplift the class as a whole. Thanks for letting me know, and I’ve changed it to parent excused. If it happens again, just let me know.

Thanks for all you do as a mother. You obviously are doing something well, because kids don’t turn out as good as Jackson without an awesome mother like you! In fact, if I may, let me quote your son. In his get-to-know-you letter to me, he said, “She is seriously the most amazing person and I love her to death…” I hope you get a thank you every now and then from your kids, but you should know that it is evident to me as a teacher of one of your children that you are doing a marvelous job!

Jackson missed a day of seminary last week because Colton was sick and school and I couldn't get away to go get him. Jackson went and checked him out, then stayed home with him. I had emailed his teacher to excuse his absence. The above email was his response.

What Jackson said in his class was so touching and it made my mama heart swell!! We don't often hear this stuff directly from our kiddos, but when we do... it's HEAVEN!

Single Mom Life - A Little Help, Please

I have crazy naturally-kooky hair. Sometimes I just leave it like that, but when it grows out, I have to help it along with a flat iron to make the curls hold. I can't see the back of my noggin. So, the kids have to come help. It was Braxton's turn before church on Sunday. Sweet boy did a good job! My hair was ready to go just in time.

How cute are these boys? They are even going to be able to do their daughters' hair when they have little girls! Bonus!!