Normals

Change happens.

It sucks sometimes.

But, it happens.

P died.

Rock retired.

New manager.

The division split.

No more Monte.

Jaker retired.

A lot at work has changed in the last two years.

I had a stroke.

I have post-stroke days and endless appointments and four kids.

But, there are still normals.

Rock's GF, Chris, makes THE world's best zucchini bread.

She made ME a few mini loaves and sent Rock with instructions.

I had to share three of them with the office and the rest were for the boys and I.

I may or may not have eaten three loaves by my dang self so far.

Rock sat in my office with the smell of goodness from this bread.

I got a big Rock hug.

We gossiped.

We laughed.

We talked about Colton. (Uncle Ernie is his favorite!!!)

And it felt normal for a minute.

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos días!

Another week down, kind of a boring week but we worked hard and we saw the fruits from that work! We had a ton of activities and they all turned out really well. 

The first one we had was super weird. We did like a tour of the church and in 3 hours only like 3 people entered. We talked to a bunch of people and we even talked to a guy who thinks God is a girl. That was a long conversation people. Im just glad that I had the back up of my zone leader. 

The next activity was for the young men and young women and they made completos which are basically just like glorified hot dogs but if you tell a Chilean that they go crazy and try to explain the difference. (There is no difference, just more ingredients) And I cooked for the ward which was super fun actually! Only almost lost my hand once.

The last one was super crazy, we had a birthday party for one of the sisters who is sharing the sector with us Elders and it turned out really fun. I learned a little bit more portugese and I learned that there is a missionary in Brazil and she wanted to talk to me today. I dont have time to do that but she sent a message to her mom and said if I were to propose she would say yes. Uh FREAK, stressin out here folks. Mom you can tell Beta that she found me, I didnt find her. 

We are doing good here, working hard and having fun. I have some photos I`ll send but I hope you guys have a great week and stay safe! Love you all!

Elder Jorgensen

Two In The Middle

These two texted me on Friday and said they were coming to take me to lunch.

I was really, quite grateful because Friday was a bit emotional.

When they arrived, I asked them where we were going.

Lonestar Steak House.

Uh, NO.

I don't have money, Boys!
So, we went to Lonestar Steak House.

They bought.

I ate.

These two are actually hilarious.

In the most inappropriate of ways.

If I told you about some of their shenanigans, you'd judge me and them.

So, I won't.

Just trust you me, they are hysterical.

And, they're mine.

And, I'm so thankful!

Yesterday after church and the gym, I asked Kaydon if we could watch a movie in his room.

He has the projector, full-size wall screen, and popcorn machine.

He put in 50 First Dates.

I freaking love that movie.

It makes me laugh and cry.

I'm just the luckiest.

A Day Off Is Good For This Mama

Pioneer Day is a State of Utah Holiday.

It's also a day-off for us State Government employees.

I slept until 8:45!!!

Heaven on Earth!

I went to the gym and worked my strong body very hard.

I talked to my body the entire two hours - telling it how strong it is and how thankful I am for its strength and courage and hard work.

Because I know what it's like to have a body that doesn't do what my brain tells it to do, I am extra thankful for all of my working parts!

I have been wanting to see Lion King.

I can't remember the last time I was at a movie.

Movies can be tough for my stroke brain.

Lots of stuff going on  and the noise can be intolerable at times.

3D movies are out of the question.

I asked Braxton and Kaydon if they wanted to go.

Kaydon was in!

So, after my Wednesday counseling appointment, we headed off to buy our popcorn with EXTRA butter (like, don't go all skimpy on me, People!!), and sat in our backseat recliners.

I LOVED this movie!

And, I loved that I was there with my boy!

Colton Living His Best Life

Colton is in Sandy this week with Nana and Pops.

He is living his best life!

He read a 300 page book in ONE day.

He went hiking with Pops on Monday.

He gets to work at the Church farm tonight.

He gets to hang out with his friend, Aiden, this week.

He is just the happiest boy!

But, his mama misses him BIG!!!

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos días!

How is everyone doing? I am doing pretty good! We just keep on working hard here! Lots of things happened this week.

So the beginning of the week went really well. We taught and are teaching a family from Venezuela and they are doing really well

and they have a date for baptism at the end of this week! They are so amazing and are seeing miracles every day. But anyways about a day after we were in exchanges and my companion was in another sector and he ended up passing out and hit his head and his hip pretty hard so we ended up going to the hospital and the wait was an unbelievable 5 hour wait just to get him checked. In the end he had a fracture in his hip and is fine now just walking it off really. He is way crazy people.

I have been told that my emails are rough and I need to fix it up a bit but people its a process! I will start actually taking photos and send some your way. But other than that crazy event with my companion we didnt have much happen this week. I learned some pretty awful words in portugese and my comp couldnt stop laughing when I accidentally said the word to a sister from brasil and she just about slapped me. I didnt understand but now I do, learning process.

All in all I´m doing good down here! Pics are coming next week folks! Love you all!

Elder Jorgensen

Doby, The Tortoise

Doby, the tortoise.

Doby loves to be out and wandering the house.

He usually picks a spot in a corner and just stays there for hours.

He is THE world's pickiest freaking eater and it agitates this mama!

My kids are not picky eaters.

Gus, the dog, is NOT a picky eater.

This tortoise, whose name is Doby, needs to figure things out.

He does like me to talk to him and rub his shell.

I think.

I mean, he doesn't try to bite me!

Oh, Doby.

Weekend Goodness

It was a busy weekend.

Most weekends are!
I started my part-time job and worked Friday night and Saturday.

I went to bed when I got home on Saturday!

Mama was tired!

Sunday started with my weekly meeting with the bishop, then a stop at the gym.

Oh, how I love the gym on Sundays.

Me, myself and I!

It's so good for my brain!!

Then, this little peanut... who isn't so little anymore... like 6'3" not so little anymore... and I went to the ballpark.

It's my happy place.

It was hotter than hot, but we enjoyed every minute!

Yup, I sure do keep score at the games!!!

We Are Finally Doing It

The boys and I left our home, and their father, when Colton was four months old.

That would make Kaydon 16 months old.

Braxton 28 months old.

Jackson 4.

It has been 15, almost 16, years of hard.

Not just hard in the single-mother realm of hard (which is HARD).

But, hard in the emotional feelings, dislike, arguing, and every other possible negative feeling you can imagine.

We have never done the co-parenting thing. The parent-time thing. The custody/visitation thing.

It's just not been the way it's been.

Both Ryan and I have had very real feeling about each other, and not one of them has been positive in any way.

Both of us have held and harbored ill feeling toward each other.

For YEARS.

Until now.

Ryan is an enormous reason why I am now in treatment.

It was him that I called on that July 24th and begged to come be with me.

It was him, who very kindly and very compassionately, told me what he saw from a distance.

To explain this miracle would be impossible.

Ryan and I don't talk.

We don't converse.

We haven't liked each other for a LONG time.

But, on that day, in my darkest of dark moments I called him.

It was not a mistake.

I know that now.

Since that day, we have begun to do the co-parenting thing.

Yes, we now have an almost 16 year old, an almost 17 year old, an almost 18 year old and an almost 20 year old.

But, that's not the point.

The point is that we are now going in the right direction.

We talk almost daily about the boys - about what they are doing and not doing, about our feelings and impressions about what they need and how we feel we should go about it, about our concerns for them, about our love for them.

He is trying so hard to get financially stable and trying so hard to get to a point where he can help me financially.

He was so sorry yesterday when I told him that I now have a part-time job outside of the home to try to get everything paid off and be financially self-reliant.

We talk spiritually about how we can help the boys and we discuss game-plans for them.

In the end, the last 15 years are not really what matters. 

The fact that we are finally doing it NOW is what matters.

And, I am thankful.

These Babes, Though!

Nana calls them "The Toddlers."

Auntie will always call them "The Babies."

Oh, how I love them!!!

Asher is 2 1/2.

He LOVES the water.

Like, a lot.

He loves to climb.

He loves everything that spins.

He is super picky with his food.

He is not talking yet, but has in-home early intervention.

He loves his parents and isn't so fond of Auntie lately.

Anson is 27 months.

He isn't as fond of the water.

He loves to watch his brother climb, then copy what he is doing.

He is not picky with his food and he loves ice cream like Auntie!

He is also not talking yet, but is super social and will smile and befriend anyone!

He is still a mama's boy, but is getting much better at going to anyone.

He likes dogs, balls and playgrounds.

He likes Auntie more than his brother!

Kaydon's Temple Tuesdays

Every Tuesday, Kaydon goes to the temple.

He usually goes to the Bountiful Temple.

It's his favorite.

Yesterday, he went to the Salt Lake Temple.

He was so eager to tell me about it!

There was a three hour wait, which has been normal for him all summer - no matter which temple he goes to. Long waits.

That sure says something about our youth, wouldn't you say?!

Yesterday, he had the opportunity to baptize a young man, Kaydon guessed around 15, who didn't have any legs.

Kaydon said it was the coolest experience.

I loved watching him tell me about it.

I am so proud of him for getting up and doing this every Tuesday.

He said that he couldn't believe that he had that opportunity.

I told him that I'm not surprised at all!

When we do what we are supposed to do, we get to have opportunities like that! 

The Good Stuff

Look at these two babies.

My mom calls them "The Toddlers."

I think I will always call them "The Babies."

They LOVE water!

And being outside.

And being outside in the water!

They are the good stuff!

On Sundays, after church, I go to the gym

I'm usually one of five people there.

My brain LOVES it!

The sensory stuff is so mild and I just do my thing!

I walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes, then did Yoga all by my dang self.

Except my 44 ounce Diet Coke.

On the weekends, I always have my Diet Coke with me.

People call me "The Diet Coke Girl."

I dig it!

It's the good stuff.

Sunday, after my 12-step group, I was having a HARD time.

Hard.

Like, wanting to drive to Idaho hard.

I drove up the street from the building where group was.

I parked where I could watch the sun set.

This is what I saw.

I talked out loud to God.

I told Him that I need His help.

I told him that I was struggling.

I told Him that I can't do this by myself.

And this...

This is what I would have missed had I given in to what I wanted to do instead.

This.

THIS is the good stuff.

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos días!

That is right, ladies and gents more and more drunk guy stories are coming your way! But first, how is everyone doing? I hope that you are all doing well and working hard over there. And everyone seems to be rubbing in the warm weather up there so whats up with that!? Its friggin cold down here people, the wind is the WORST.

So the drunk guy chronicles continues. We were on exchanges for the day and I got to be with one of my good buddies Elder Een, he is like 6 foot 8 or something gigantic. But anyway, we were walking to the church to take a quick break and there was a drunk guy talking to some of the sisters and they asked us for help in english and we then walked the poor man home. BUT two days later we saw that same guy in the street and he stopped and asked us if he would prayer for him and then like headbutted me in the chest and stayed there and gave me a hug. I then decided that this is what my life has come to and I gave him a hug back and said the prayer while my companion kept his eyes open. I ended the prayer and he walked away with his little drunk guy hop. Fun times here people!

Love you all and have a great and productive week!

Elder Jorgensen 

Since my child stinks at sending pictures, here is the screen shot of him talking to me last week:

Weekend Date Nights

Friday night, Colton wanted a date night with Mama.

Okay!

Date night it was.

Saturday night, we needed to take Kaydon dinner.

Colton wanted a date night with Mama at Kaydon's work (and to get ice cream, of course).

Okay!
Date night it was.

This boy is everything good in the world.

He is smart and kind and completely innocent to the bad things in the world.

He loves to be with his Mama and with his Mama LaLa.

He loves to be with his brothers.

He loves to play with his nephews.

And, he LOVES ice cream which makes this mama happy!

P.S. Look at those bits of goodness Kaydon created for us!!!

Moving & Such

I am starting a NEW blog regarding my addiction/treatment/therapy/onward progression.

It's a bit depressing-ish to read about it on my family blog. 

We all need a bit more of the boys and dog and tortoise and such, if you asked me!!

So, in the meantime...

Here is a pretty darn good look at my feet last night at the gym.

It was back day.

Cardio day.

Sweaty day - which is every day that I am at the gym.

Happy Weekend, Loves!!!

Years & Years

Counseling was yesterday.

It was amazing.

She is amazing.

I am amazing.

We are all pretty darn amazing.

We talked about the difference between worth and self-esteem.

Worth is unchangeable. It is there no matter what we do. And, everyone's worth is the same.

Self-esteem has a lot to do with self-acceptance, personal development and the direction we are going.

It is ever-changing. It is a path.

This portion of our feelings can cause divine discontent.

Oh, the divine discontent.

What a powerful thing!

But, that comes from God.

Shame comes from Satan.

I have to re-program my brain now, after 35 years of image distortion. 

I have to continue to tell myself out-loud that I have worth regardless of the choices I make and that I am on the right track - going the right direction.

However:

I am pretty badass!

We all are. 

I am on the right track.

That feels so good!

It's a journey.

It's my journey.

The way things happened were the exact way they needed to happen.

My homework for this week is to delve into my weaknesses, write them down and start to go through that closet where I've been shoving stuff for 35 years!

Oh, fun.

Frisbee & Flowers & Meditation

Monday night, after the gym and while boiling eggs for the week, I took Doby out to work on digging his tunnel to China... which he does nightly... as if he's in Shawshank Redemption and is planning his prison escape. Poor tortoise.

Anyhow, when I took him out to work on his digging skills, these two were playing frisbee.

I love watching them.

They're pretty good at the whole throw and catch part of frisbee.

I tend to run away from the flying saucer as not to get hit in the nose with it. Safety first!

For about two weeks each year, this is my view from the bedroom window.

The rest of the however many weeks there are in the year, I just keep my blinds closed because the view can tend to be depressing.

However, these two weeks of the year, I have the window wide open and the blinds wide open and as I lay in bed at night, meditating, I look at these small wonders in the world and offer up gratitude.

I have changed up my meditation practice a bit over the last few days.

I am practicing being silent and LISTENING.

I have always been that girl who hurries through my morning and nighttime prayers and then hurries off to bed or to my car with the radio full blast to work. 

It's weird, isn't it, how I never feel that I receive personal revelations?!

So, I have really focused on being silent and listening.

After my nighttime prayers, I stay on the floor, close my eyes and focus on my breath for five minutes. Five minutes seems like way too short of a time, but I'm just getting started, People. Baby steps!

As I was doing this on Sunday, it came to my mind (weird how silence brought answers to my prayers) that I should drive to and from work with the radio turned off. No sound. Just me and my thoughts and breathing.

I can't report that I have had visions or heard voices, YET... but I can report that I am being faithful in this practice and that I know I will be blessed for doing it.

From my current book:

In our real lives, we are constantly hopping around to adjust ourselves around discomfort - physical, emotional and psychological - in order to evade the reality of grief and nuisance. Grief and nuisance are inevitable in this life, but if you can plant yourself in stillness long enough, you will, in time, experience the truth that everything (both uncomfortable and lovely) does eventually pass... instead of slapping and griping, what if I sat through the discomfort, just for one hour of my long life?

Missionary Moment - Chile Vina Del Mar Mission

Buenos dias! 

This week was crazy as usual! As some of you know I had the opportunity to get socked a bit in the jaw by some drunk guy. That was something of a weird experience. I probably would have tried to punch him back but I know better. My comp pushed me away and then he went like full chileno on him and just talked him to death. But hey! He took the card we gave him!

The rest of the week was crazy. We get information on our transfers today but I highly doubt that Im going anywhere. My "son" still has a lot to learn. But we are doing super well here. We had our last district meeting last week and we sent home one of my buddies from the mission. His body is jacked up after 2 years in the mission. But I have photos!

I hope you all have a good week! Stay safe!

Elder Jorgensen 

Swimming & Babies & Fear

It was a busy, busy weekend - 

Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Friday night, I was able to eat and visit with two of my favorites - Becky and Mo.

We sat outside and talked about EVERYthing possible for three hours while eating Cafe Rio.

Oh, how I love them!

Saturday, I got up early and went to the gym.

My body worked hard and my mind was able to focus on this body of mine that is functional and strong and brave.

Sassy begs almost everyday for Mama Heidi to take her swimming.

I loaded up Colton, Amia and Sass and we went to the pool.

Amia and I sat in our chairs and read our books.

Sassy and Colton swam for three hours - blissfully, unreluctantly, happily, excitedly...

Then, we posed for a picture.

I didn't cover up my body.

I stood right up and wrapped my mama arms around my chidlens.

My children see strength and beauty and Mom.

They don't see imperfections or cellulite or scars or bumps.

They see Mom at the pool, reading a book, smiling and drinking Diet Coke.

And now, so do I.

Later that night, I made all of the kiddos tacos, took Kaydon some dinner and then colored with Sassy.

Sunday was a day that I had been both looking forward to and scared to death of.

We went to church.

Both meetings.

Then I headed to the gym.

Sundays at the gym are like an extension of church for me, and I don't mean that in a blasphemous way at all!

I am usually one of five people there and I can work out and my brain is at ease.

After my workout, I went into the large classroom - where large aerobics classes are held.

I turned out the lights and went into the corner with two mats below my body.

I did my yoga, then I meditated.

In silence.

Focusing on my breath and focusing on LISTENING.

This is the part of meditation that I am most working on now.

Listening.

Then I went and met with my bishop for our weekly visit.

Afterwards, I drove to my mom's where I met Kaydon and Colton and these babes.

Oh, the joy they bring!
For real!
Being an auntie is like the world's greatest gift!

In the early evening, I left my mom's and headed home to attend my first 12 step group meeting.

I was terrified.

I tried to come up with every single reason why I should not attend, then I remembered that I am in treatment. I am an addict. I am no longer hiding or lying.

I am showing up.

To all of it.

For me.

For my boys.

When I got home to grab my notebook, Matt had left all of my belongings from Idaho in a garbage bag.

I was shattered.

Literally shattered.

I have always defined myself as someone else's used garbage - thus addiction - thus treatment.

This was a physical picture of that definition that I am working so hard to release.

I cried and cried.

I prayed.

I got in my car and I drove to the group.

I sat in my car and called my T.

Bawling.

Sad.

Hurt.

Anguished.

Pissed.

(I hate that word)

She did exactly what you would expect a best friend (soul sister) to do...

She talked with me as if she had angels sitting right next to her telling her exactly what to say in that exact moment.

I don't even think she realized it.

Then, I walked in and sat down.

In a 12 step program.

"How did I get to this point?" I asked myself.

Then, hope.

Love.

A tangible Spirit.

My Heavenly Father's love for me and every other person in that room.

Gratitude.

Rest.

The latest reading from my book:

This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now - let the word go out across the seven seas - there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.