Single Mom Gig - Little Golfing Yo!

Saturday morning, Randy and I met his cousin, his cousin's girlfriend, and his cousin's friend at the golf course. I have not golfed for like two years! I was a weeee bit nervous. We had the best time! The guys were so patient with my lack of all-star worthiness! We played a solid 18 holes and had the best time! I only lost two balls. Randy's cousin switched up my grip on the clubs and I was able to hit with lots more power. It was the most beautiful day, too! The colors were amazing, the temperature was perfect, we had some music going in our cart, and the company was the best!

Find what you love to do and make time for it! It's good for you and for those you love!

Kaydon is a Star!

Last night, Kaydon received his Star. All of his grandparents and two of his brothers were there to celebrate with him. He is so blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love him and support him! He has been working really hard on his scouting. He was pretty stoked to get this under him!! I was down in Orem meeting some people. How blessed we are that grandparents can come up and swoop these boys in to their arms and love on them for a bit!!

Friday Favorites - Special Dances

The school asked Kaydon to go with the extra special needs kiddos to their Halloween Bash at Clearfield High School. Kaydon loves these kids and they love him, too. How could they not?!

He said it was the best time until Lance didn't want to leave. Then it wasn't really the best time! Love these extra special kiddos and love love love their helper buddy!!

Broken Down

Monday morning, I was on my way to taking Kaydon, Colton and Amia to school. The truck was acting very funny... except it wasn't too funny at the time. It began to sputter and then died. Like, died. Dead. Deader than a doorknob. Dead. The children got out and began walking the rest of the way to school. I called my brother. He came and tried to jump it, but it wasn't the battery. He took me to the high school parking lot to get the car. That left Jackson and Braxton a bit stranded, but I had to get to work. So, I texted the boys to tell them that they were stranded and I was on my way to work. One of my Streets' guys is a mechanic. I texted him when I got to work. It was their day off. I asked him what he thought I should do. He said, "I'm on my way to pick up your key." I cried. He showed up to get the key. ON HIS DAY OFF. He told me he was picking up Ash (another Streets' guy who had the day off) just in case they had to tow it.

I cried.

He called me an hour later, asking me where he wanted me to put the truck. I asked him what needed to happen. He said it was done.

I cried.

They put gas in it and parked it back at the apartments. They had fixed it. Just like that. They brought back the keys. I hugged both of them.

I cried.

Remember a long time ago when my guys told me, "All you have to do is look behind you. There will be 86 guys holding you up." Remember when they told me, "All you have to do is breathe. We got you." On their day off, they came to the rescue. Why would I be surprised?? They are such a blessing!

At the burial of P, the graveside portion had completed. No one moved. One of my guys handed me two blue ribbons to go place on the caskets. I walked up with Leesa. In front of everyone. I put a ribbon on the caskets, then cried and through sobs told P that I loved him. I went to turn to walk back to my guys. Leesa let out an audible gasp. All 86 of my guys had followed me to the casket and were right behind me as I said goodbye to my P.

Figuratively and literally, they are always right behind me!

Always!

These Boys of Mine

The boys had Fall Break on Thursday and Friday. Braxton went with Cam's family to go camping in Colorado. The others chilled at home. When I got home from work on Friday, the kitchen was cleaned and organized. The fridge and freezers were cleaned and organized. The laundry closet was cleaned and organized. The menu for this week was written and the grocery list was completed. I almost cried.

Jackson handed me the grocery list and told me that all I needed to do was go get groceries. Okay!!

Jackson made ziti on Monday. It was pretty delicious.

I am just so thankful for these boys of mine and for our teamwork. I am so thankful that someday these boys will be amazing husbands and fathers. They will be great missionary companions. They don't just leave household things to me. And, when they do... we have a family counsel and we get our crap together again.

They don't ask for anything return... just a happy mama. And, they make me that every single day!

Single Mom Gig - Dating

I have no doubt that y'all have been waiting for this one! Honestly Friends, this could take days to talk about.

First of all, dating is SO different when you are 40. Dating is so different when you are a parent. Dating is so different when you work full-time, have four babes to care for, a house to manage, and a life to live. Dating is so different at this time, with social media and phones and all of the electronic crap. Dating is so different at this time with all of the evils that surround us. Dating is kind of a big, fat joke!

I get asked all kinds of questions about dating, so let's focus one-by-one:

1. How do you meet people?
Okay, People. I work full-time. I sit in my office, working on my computer. I am raising four teenage boys. I go to the gym - where I sort of demand not to talk to anyone. That's my life. So, how do I meet people? Online. Online "dating" is really something. First of all, 98% of the people on there are simply looking for a hookup, a screw, someone to bang. I'm not kidding. You never know if the person you are "talking" to is married, divorced, a felon... you can put whatever you want to put on that dang profile and unless you have a private investigator at your finger tips, you're going in blind. They post one picture and you meet them and realize they are clearly chronic liars.

My boys asked me a few weeks ago to stop online dating. I promised them I would. I deactivated the two accounts that I had. For some reason, my profile stays up, but they are deleted.

2. What do your boys think about you dating?
My boys are like most kids who have a single mama, I would think. My boys tell me often that they want me to date and be happy and find a nice, NORMAL guy. Normal would be the key word there. It isn't a thing! My boys are at an age where I do tell them that I am going on a date. I think that they need to know that. I answer the questions they ask me. I think they deserve to know the things that are on their mind. Men don't come to our door. If they "pick me up" then it is done at the entrance of our complex. My boys don't need to see men coming and going and it's not like that anyways. I try to go on lunch dates so that it in no way effects my children. I also try to go on dates when they all have plans elsewhere with friends, etc. Wednesday nights are a free night for me to go on a date because they have mutual. I definitely try to plan dating around their schedules so that when they are home, mama is home. Regardless, I always go home and fix them dinner, make sure they had good days and homework is good. They are my priority and they need to always be reminded of that.

3. Like, why Heidi?
Because I have faith that there is a companion for me on this earth. Because I want that. Because I'm not giving up on that.
We've talked about counseling. Thanks the Lord for counseling. My counselor is amazing. Like, awesome-sauce amazing! Last time we met, we talked mostly about all of this. He said, "Heidi. I want you to date. I want you to date and not hunt. I want you to go on dates and enjoy them. Have fun. Don't automatically, in your head, start telling yourself what's good and what's bad and decide if they are step-father material. Just date. Start dating and stop hunting."
That has helped a lot. For some reason, I hand my heart over like first date. Why do I do that?!?! It's not their's to have! Miss B has been working on this with me. They don't get to have my heart on date one! They don't get my heart for like three months!

So... dating. It's kind of a joke that sometimes funny and sometimes not.
So... me. I am proud of myself. I'm not where I need to be, but I am getting better. I am getting better at blocking phone numbers, blocking people period. I am getting better at knowing what I want and what I won't settle for.
So... my boys. They have their mama. We do this life together. It's a sometimes tough life, a sometimes hilarious life, a sometimes maddening life, but an always beautiful life.

Annual Robb Halloween Party and Sleepover

Saturday was the annual Robb Halloween Party and Sleepover. Jackson, Kaydon and Colton headed down to Sandy on Saturday morning for the fun. Braxton was in Steamboat Springs with Cam's family for Fall Break.

They headed down to Thanksgiving Point to enjoy Cornbelly's and the mazes and fun. The boys had a great time. Then they headed back to Papa and Grandma's house for sleepovers. I love that even though my boys are growing and are getting a little too big for Halloween parties, they love to go and spend time with their grandparents and cousins. It's great memories for them and I am so grateful that we live close enough so that they can enjoy it! They love their grandparents and they love their cousins!

Time

Sunday after church, I took a drive all by myself. I took I84 to I80 West and in to Park City. The drive there and back was exquisite. The colors are so bold. There are reds and golds. Along the highway are small streams that were glistening with the midday sun reflecting off of the cold water. There were no cars on the road. Just me and a couple of truckers. I had the NFL football game on the radio until all I heard was static. Then it was just me and the sound of the truck driving. It was such a beautiful drive and I was able to think. Just me.

Single Mom Gig - The Things They Say

For the most part, my boys are really good at telling me everything. Tuesday night, Kaydon came back from a fireside and came in to my dark room where I was reading my scriptures on my phone. He asked if he could talk to me. I, of course, obliged. He walked in, turned on the light, closed the door, then sat on the floor. He told me that he had done something bad and that he was so sorry. I asked him what it was and he told me. Then he apologized repeatedly. I explained that he doesn't need to apologize to me, that I love him just the same and that I was so grateful that he told me. He told me that he had repented and felt like the Savior accepted that. I told him how important that was. He asked me if I felt like he should tell the Bishop. I told him that a decision like that was completely up to him. He told me how sorry he was, again, and told me that he loved me.

As he walked out, I wept. Not sad or frustrated tears. But, humble and grateful tears. I am ever thankful that these boys are mine and that they are trying so dang hard to do what is right.

Friday was a rough (like shit show mess) day. I got a call from the school at 1:30. I was told I needed to get to the school, where Colton was with the principal and a police officer. I won't get in to details about the allegations, because it's not necessary and because I believe that Colton deserves due process just like anyone else - if not more so... But, suffice it to say that a girl made an allegation and Colton was screaming and crying and yelling that he did nothing wrong. He did not understand and could not comprehend what was happening. He was scared and completely confused. I was furious (assuming that this happened), scared, and just exhausted. I went in for another meeting regarding the situation Monday morning, early. It turns out the school has not been following all of the things that we had spoke of. That will be changing. He is exhausted. So is Mama.

The older Colton gets, the harder life becomes for him. The older he gets, the larger the span between his physical age and stature and his behavioral and emotional age. His good friends are in 4th and 5th grade. He is in 8th. If Colton is told me a kid that they will be his friend if he does something or if someone dares him to do something, with the promise that they will then be his friend, he will do it in a heartbeat. He doesn't have the cause and effect that neuro-typical people do.

It's about adjusting and finding what works today because every single day is different.

But, we are doing it. We are trying so hard to do it.

Their Many Faces

I got to spend most of my Saturday with the babes.

The many faces of Asher:

This little man is sitting up so big and is SO close to crawling. He gets himself wherever he needs to go!

The many faces of Anson:

This little man is either super happy and chill and smiling or he is screaming bloody murder!!

Saturday night, they both opted to start screaming at the same time for no apparent reason. I bundled them up, put them in the stroller and went for a long, long walk!!

Friday Favorites - Lip Plumper!!!

This bundle of goodness arrived on Tuesday. I texted Miss T on Friday or Saturday or Sunday (can't remember) and told her that I needed more eye brow gel, eye liner, and that I always love mascara! She replied that it would all be arriving the next day. She kind of knows how I roll! When I opened the box, I had two new surprises - eyelash serum & epic mascara AND lip plumper. O to the M to the G!!!!

First of all, I have loved every single mascara option Younique has had. Love it. Remember, I used to pull my eyelashes out... I don't anymore! LOVE! But, this eyelash serum and epic mascara... YOU WANT THIS IN YOUR STOCKING. You're welcome.

Second of all, lip plumper. I have never worn lip stick or lip gloss. They feel really uncomfortable to me. I don't wear that much makeup to begin with. I definitely re-apply chap stick all day long, but no lip stick. This lip plumper is the bomb dot com. Ladies... put it on your Christmas list NOW.

Then, give that list and this link to your people who will be buying you Christmas gifts:
Teresa's Beauty Shop

Again, it's my pleasure!!

When They Play Together

Last night, I was cleaning up downstairs and was headed back upstairs. I looked out the window and saw this:

These boys are so blessed to have each other. Sometimes they don't think so. In fact, probably a lot of the time they don't think so. But, they are. They were out playing frisbee last night, laughing and razzing each other. Then they headed to a fireside. I love those boys so much!

In the meantime, I ran to Brandon's office because the babes were there. How can I not run over to love on them?!?!

Single Mom Gig - It's All Me

Colton is at work with me this morning. He has his Autism check-up today. So, I dropped his brother off at school and Colton and I came to work. We will be here until it's time to head to his appointment. Then I will drop him off at school and come back to work. It's all me.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom. What would it be like to go volunteer in their classrooms? What would it be like to take them to their appointments without worrying about how quickly I have to get back to work? What would it be like to be there when they get home from school? What would it be like to make an after-school snack? What would it be like to have them call me from school because they were sick and be able to just go get them... without having to figure out how I am going to do that because I am in the middle of a meeting. What would it be like to not rush home to fix a quick dinner so that I can have some mama time at the gym for 45 minutes? What would it be like to not have to worry about how we are going to afford groceries this week?

Then I take a step back in to my reality. I am so blessed. These boys are beyond amazing. They absolutely go with the flow. They never complain. If tuna casserole is what's for dinner, then that's what's for dinner. If Jackson has to check out of school to get a sick brother from school, he doesn't complain. He just helps his mama. If the house isn't clean... which it never is... we do our best to help each other clean it up.

Last night, a sweet friend came to the door. I was about to run away... for real! It was one of those nights. She laughed and told me that she thought I was amazing. I think SHE is amazing. Her mom passed away a couple of months ago. It has been so hard for her. She lived with her mom and cared for her. She has never married and does not have children. In that moment, I realized that I am doing just fine. As I think about our challenges... and everyone has challenges... I realize that I have been blessed with four boys. I have been blessed with the opportunity to care for them, to teach them, to train them, to direct them, and to LOVE them. I have been trusted with their spirits. I have been trusted to wipe their tears, and my own.

It's all me. But, really... we are doing just fine.

The Weekend

Saturday morning, I woke up to Braxton bringing me in some breakfast. Yep, he's pretty cute! I ate it up and headed to the gym. So yummy!

Friday night, we met Brandon and Carrie at Farmington Station. I have to love on those boys as often as possible. They absolutely love the fountains. They are enthralled by them. It's the cutest dang thing!

Sunday, Jackson made homemade noodles. DELICIOUS.

Conferencing

The last two days, I've been at the gang conference. It is always a rough two days. I get really excited about it, then we get there and it's emotionally exhausting. Seeing videos and pictures of these kiddos who are born just as innocent as any other child, going in to a life which they think has no return is heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking to see the damage that it causes to other people, as well. It's all just for nothing. Tonight, I'll be going home to discuss all of the NEW drugs that are now out there that look like any other candy or soda pop with my boys. I will be discussing stranger danger AGAIN. And drug danger AGAIN. I'll be discussing with them their worth and how no one can ever take that away.

And... I really missed my P this year. A lot.

Single Mom Gig - Kitchen Cabinets

As a single mom of four boys, I have always done everything in my power to ensure that they talk to me about everything. I want them to always feel comfortable coming to me to talk to me about anything at all. I have always felt that ensuring an open and honest line of communication with them is imperative. About a year ago, I had a heart-to-heart with our bishop. He explained to me that there are some things my boys don't want to talk to me about because they are so protective of my heart and my feelings. They don't want to tell me things that are going to hurt me or make me sad. As I spoke to my children, this was indeed the case. When they need to talk about their feelings due to things that have happened in the past, they held it in because they didn't want to hurt me. So, I explained to them that we need to always have a couple of people in our life who we trust to love us, tell us the truth, and help us through our trials. My boys have mostly clung to my brothers and their grandpas. They have also had amazing bishops and young men's leaders the last few years who they trust and have confided in. We have been so blessed to be surrounded by people who love my boys like their own.

Recently, though, something changed. Braxton started dating Cam. He started spending time at her house. During the summer, he would take Kaydon and Colton over with him. I began hearing about "Mama V." This was Cam's mom and my boys love her. A lot. Braxton started confiding in her and talking to her about his feelings, his trials, his fears, his triumphs. He spends a lot of time with her. This broke my heart. It was one thing for my boys to confide in men. It's another thing for my boys to confide in other moms. I wanted to shout, "I AM YOUR MOM!!!" But, he already knows that. And, in the end I am grateful that he has people who he can count on to help guide him through this life.

Over the weekend, I was listening to some podcasts. I love Brene Brown. She might be my new favorite person! She was talking about people who we have in our kitchen cabinet. She said that if we have one, we are blessed. If we have two or three, we have hit the jackpot. I happen to have three in my kitchen cabinet. These are people, separate from our family, who we can absolutely count on to be brutally honest with us. But, they are people who are rooting for our rise at all times. They love us. They don't bail when things are hard. They stay in there with us, no matter what. They love us and stand by us because we are imperfect. They pick us up when we fall and walk with us when we are gradually finding our way on our own. She talks about the importance of this kitchen cabinet. These are not people who we have to put makeup on for, or try to pretend to be someone we are not for. These are people who just love US. As is. I have my B Beck, my Miss Teresa, and my Miss Birdie. These are three women who will never lead me astray. Ever. They will love me and pick me up no matter what. And, they do. I hit the jackpot.

In other news, I am getting strong. For me. For my boys. For my sanity. I am getting strong. I don't weigh myself. Once you've had an eating disorder and you've gone through the healing process, weighing yourself is cruel. So, I don't do it unless I am beginning a challenge. I don't want to lose weight and so I'll weigh myself to ensure I'm doing okay with that. Last night, I went in to love on Jackson and Kaydon before bed. They were watching Beauty and the Beast, which pretty much melted my heart. Anyways, Jackson said, "Mama, you're getting strong." So, I took a dang selfie, People!

For me. So that I can be in someone's kitchen cabinet. We all need a kitchen cabinet with people like my three. We also need to be that person for others.

I Needed It

I took Friday off. I needed it. I needed to clean my house, open the windows for fresh air, read the books my counselor recommended, and workout at my own pace. It turns out, Carrie needed some help with the babies and I needed them. I checked Kaydon and Colton out of school after lunch and we went to the babies. We loved on them. We went to Farmington Station again and watched the fountains. We walked around, got a Fiiz, and then headed back to put the babes down for naps. Their mama was home by then. I can't express in words how much I love those babies. And, those babies love their cousins so much. So much.

Saturday, I worked out and ran errands. Then, I watched as my boys left to go to the Lantern Festival. I was home. Alone. Usually, I love that. Saturday, it was tough. I cried... and let myself cry. Then, for the 20th time that day, got on my knees and pleaded for peace, comfort and contentment. I pleaded to have faith in my Heavenly Father's will for me. I watched the morning and afternoon session of conference, then made blankets for Ogden Regional's NICU. I got myself a shake and went to bed. Meanwhile, the boys sent P a message to heaven.

Sunday, we went to my mom and pop's house. The boys ate. A lot. We watched conference and just talked. I told my mom and pops about counseling. Then, Pops gave me a gift.

I love him so much. He is constantly telling me that I am enough, giving me pointers on how to stay strong emotionally and spiritually, and telling me that I'm loved. He listens so well. He has ADHD and sometimes I wonder if I am more than he can handle. But, when he is in "dad" mode or "grandpa" mode, he is completely focused on us and is able to really hear us and then listen to the Spirit and tell us just what we need to hear. And, he loves my mom more than anything in the world.

I needed that.